Do's and Don'ts of Hawaii
I am with the dude from the boat that took me out to shark infested
waters to dive (he was also the guy who had to let the instructor's
widow know that her husband would not be coming home for dinner
ever again. He made a little joke out of it and told her that
her husband had actually become something's dinner. We
all laughed at that).
I use this picture to illustrate another "do" that
you must do at least once while staying in the islands: The "Hang
Loose" hand gesture. It took me around 5 hours of constant
training to get it close to right, and as you can see I still
look like a pud even just attempting it. Wade, the boat champ,
shows you how to do it correctly. He was pretty cool. You can't
see it, but he has a mechanical leg that he uses to smack both
people and giant sea turtles around with. That was fun to watch
cause the turtles can't fight back.
"Do" Diamond Head. It's a
helluva climb (especially when you walk all the way from your
goddamn hotel first and you have to go waaaaaaaaaaaaay to the
back of the volcano to even get inside), but it's pretty much
worth it. Unless you're a total pussy and have a coronary on
the beastly hike up. Or if you're afraid of the dark or are claustrophobic,
in which case the man-made tunnels near the top will make you
shit your pants like those Japanese teenage girls in front of
me ("Aaaaaah!!!! Kowai!!!!! Kowai!!!!! Gojira ate my baby!!
"Don't" let your friend's
asshole friends drop you off at a deserted coral-filled beach
while they leave to go look for some surf boards for 3 hours
forcing you to actually talk to your inner child/woman/demons
until you start sobbing and puking like a madman in need of closure.
That will come close to ruining any vacation.
"Do" go to as many exotic
restaurants as you can to experience the spices and seasonings
of cultures far beyond those of the food court in your local
shopping establishment. We hit Thai, Chinese, Japanese, Mexican,
Swiss, Vietnamese, California Pizza, and Drakovian restaurants
and there were still so many places that we heard good things
about that we missed. I only got sick once, and the MegaPlayboy
was only hospitalized for 6 hours after our Tuesday night choice.
Those are pretty good odds for playing foreign food Russian
roulette (and I won't tell you which places did what to our
intestines 'cause finding out for yourself is the most fun part
of any trip).
"Do NOT" go to a fancy sushi
establishment and order a la carte!!! Especially after you down
a bottle of sake and two 20 ounce bottles of Asahi and forget
to look at the prices per piece. Spike, the MegaPlayboy and I
went crazy there, and our combined bill was over $185. I guess
I did go a bit overboard on the eel rolls, but they were so chewy
and rubbery and luscious! The shark fin soup was probably what
killed us though. $40 a pop right there. That was a little sucky
especially since I knew a place where I could have caught my
own shark and just had them cook it for us. Probably would have
saved us a good $6 bucks!
is a picture of me chillin' Sea Lab 2021 style in my wetsuit
after my 2nd deep sea dive. This unfortunately is a big "don't"
in Hawaii. Whenever you try to look cooly, and you're not a native,
you look fooly. See, here I was attempting to appear all "James
Bond-ish" after a secret underwater mission as he waited
patiently for a shaken and not stirred party drink, but I come
across as "Aquaman-ish" after having gay sex with a
giant sea horse. That's never right.
least I didn't look like that old Mr. Magoo imitator who almost
drowned because he lied about being a certified diver. Wade and
our instructor (before he was eaten) dove in and pulled his lame
ass back to the boat and then Wade pummeled him for a few minutes
with his leg. I just pissed in his goggles and stuck his mouth
piece up my ass in case he tried to dive again and wreck the
remainder of my scuba trip by dying. I'd already been found around
too many corpses on this trip for the police to simply shrug
it off as plain coincidence, and at that point I had only been
there for 4 days.