The Do's and Don'ts of Hawaii

"Wiki wiki!!" Here I am with the dude from the boat that took me out to shark infested waters to dive (he was also the guy who had to let the instructor's widow know that her husband would not be coming home for dinner ever again. He made a little joke out of it and told her that her husband had actually become something's dinner. We all laughed at that).

Anyway, I use this picture to illustrate another "do" that you must do at least once while staying in the islands: The "Hang Loose" hand gesture. It took me around 5 hours of constant training to get it close to right, and as you can see I still look like a pud even just attempting it. Wade, the boat champ, shows you how to do it correctly. He was pretty cool. You can't see it, but he has a mechanical leg that he uses to smack both people and giant sea turtles around with. That was fun to watch cause the turtles can't fight back.

"Do" Diamond Head. It's a helluva climb (especially when you walk all the way from your goddamn hotel first and you have to go waaaaaaaaaaaaay to the back of the volcano to even get inside), but it's pretty much worth it. Unless you're a total pussy and have a coronary on the beastly hike up. Or if you're afraid of the dark or are claustrophobic, in which case the man-made tunnels near the top will make you shit your pants like those Japanese teenage girls in front of me ("Aaaaaah!!!! Kowai!!!!! Kowai!!!!! Gojira ate my baby!! Kowaiiiiii!!!!").

"Don't" let your friend's asshole friends drop you off at a deserted coral-filled beach while they leave to go look for some surf boards for 3 hours forcing you to actually talk to your inner child/woman/demons until you start sobbing and puking like a madman in need of closure. That will come close to ruining any vacation.

"Do" go to as many exotic restaurants as you can to experience the spices and seasonings of cultures far beyond those of the food court in your local shopping establishment. We hit Thai, Chinese, Japanese, Mexican, Swiss, Vietnamese, California Pizza, and Drakovian restaurants and there were still so many places that we heard good things about that we missed. I only got sick once, and the MegaPlayboy was only hospitalized for 6 hours after our Tuesday night choice. Those are pretty good odds for playing foreign food Russian roulette (and I won't tell you which places did what to our intestines 'cause finding out for yourself is the most fun part of any trip).

"Do NOT" go to a fancy sushi establishment and order a la carte!!! Especially after you down a bottle of sake and two 20 ounce bottles of Asahi and forget to look at the prices per piece. Spike, the MegaPlayboy and I went crazy there, and our combined bill was over $185. I guess I did go a bit overboard on the eel rolls, but they were so chewy and rubbery and luscious! The shark fin soup was probably what killed us though. $40 a pop right there. That was a little sucky especially since I knew a place where I could have caught my own shark and just had them cook it for us. Probably would have saved us a good $6 bucks!

"That's not fair!  He can't be a robot tiger if I'm only 5 feet tall!"This is a picture of me chillin' Sea Lab 2021 style in my wetsuit after my 2nd deep sea dive. This unfortunately is a big "don't" in Hawaii. Whenever you try to look cooly, and you're not a native, you look fooly. See, here I was attempting to appear all "James Bond-ish" after a secret underwater mission as he waited patiently for a shaken and not stirred party drink, but I come across as "Aquaman-ish" after having gay sex with a giant sea horse. That's never right.

At least I didn't look like that old Mr. Magoo imitator who almost drowned because he lied about being a certified diver. Wade and our instructor (before he was eaten) dove in and pulled his lame ass back to the boat and then Wade pummeled him for a few minutes with his leg. I just pissed in his goggles and stuck his mouth piece up my ass in case he tried to dive again and wreck the remainder of my scuba trip by dying. I'd already been found around too many corpses on this trip for the police to simply shrug it off as plain coincidence, and at that point I had only been there for 4 days.

MegaPlayboy time. The Rossman seems to have totally forgotten one of the greatest muthafuckin' moments of the week. We got one of them catamaran boat captains to let us in on an island tour, kinda like Gilligan and the Professor's. We even had some hotties on our vessel like Ginger and Mary Ann. They are actually the point of this story.

So, this big bruiser of a Samoan captain takes us out to sea. There are about 12 peeps on the craft, and a bunch of us take to the mesh in between the two pontoons at the front of the boat in order to "feel the motion of the ocean" as the Rossman put it. What we didn't realize was that the Samoan cat liked to see other people in pain. He was aiming for every giant shit eatin' wave on the wild blue water. Everybody on the netting in the front was getting soaked and smashed by each turbulent encounter.... Whore.

Anyway, so after about the twentieth wave, some Indian guy who was laying down next to us got up to escape to the goddamn back of the boat 'cause his pussy ass had enough. But he didn't realize that the water was as powerful as it was and it actually pulled his wussy, floral print pants down to his ankles!! URGH!!!... Don't worry, that isn't the good part I was talking about.

So everybody starts laughing at him, and all the Asian people start taking tons of photos too (to show their friends how teeny Hindu peckers are I guess). He tried to cover himself up and slink to the other side of the boat, but soon he got some help in making folks forget his inadequacies. Two hottie mainlanders on the netting next to us on the left rolled over onto their backs they was laughin' so hard. Only prob for them was that their bikini tops had come off too and those pert bad boys were bouncin' around like a buncha hyper kangaroos on the crack rock! It was a sight to behold. They didn't realize that their breasteseses were going commando either until the Rossman tried to get some nipple action of his own. I was able to buy a roll of film of the incident from some Chinese dude for only $100! What a steal, bitch!

Don't forget to "do" get some heavenly mamas with gorgeous gazoombas to get all wet and show them to you out on a boat in the middle of the ocean where they can't run away. And "DON'T" look at the crotch area of a naked Indian (or any ethnic variety) man in the same context. But that should be horse sense.

"Breaker one, this is Horny Toad three.  Come in, over.  I need to see some melons asap!!  Over."

When it became clear that the two chicks who bared their tomatoes for us would not share the experience again once we got back to shore, I got on the boat's radio and called in a Navy strike force to fire some kind of "bikini removing raygun" at the girlies so that I could have good dreams that night. Unfortunately I'd have to mark that off as a "don't". You see, apparently it's illegal to hack on to a secure line like that, and unfortunately one of the girls who I wanted to see was the visiting niece of the Navy SEAL dude on the other line. Navy SEALs are trained to break 98% of the bones in the human body without leaving any scars. Trust me.

Rossman back yet again. That just about covers all the "do's and don'ts" that we can think of for your Hawai'ian stay... Wait, I almost forgot! "Do" go ice-cream hunting with some of the island prostitutes that you can find on every Waikiki street corner at night. Some of them are gorgeous and very voluptuous!! There's no way in hell I'd bang any of them though (Spike could smell the gonorrhea off of them from two blocks away), but they were mainly for cosmetic show and tell. Plus some of their stories about which Hollywood stars and which politicians on vacation liked to do what with coconuts and lobster jizm (for instance, the guy who played Higgins on Magnum PI liked to have his two Dobermans participate) were funny and educational.

And the final "DO" of this article is "Do go to Hawai'i". It is one of the most perfect places on the planet! And Polynesian women with tight bodies riding surf boards is the greatest sight a man can ever hope to witness in his short hard-up life. I think it's the way they bend and twist while riding on top of a big, stiff phallic symbol..... I have to go now.

Finally, here is a picture of me saying aloha (in the "goodbye" sense) to the MegaPlayboy on my last day in paradise. Actually, it was just my last day crashing in his hotel room after he found out that I blew my half of the hotel rent on booze and cheap Hawai'ian shirts. That bastard!! I got back at him though when I snuck back into the room that night (with the key I pocketed from him the day before) and filled his shampoo bottle with Nair. He now claims that the skinhead look was his idea and that he was trying to imitate Vin Diesel in The Fast and the Furious. That lying cockfest!

"Why don't you sit on THIS the whole trip home!"

EDITOR'S NOTES: That scrotum sucker!!! The Rossman promised me that he'd take ME to Hawaii with him as payment for this past year of service (so far free of charge). Goddammit!!! I should have know that something was up when he got me to drive him to the airport but he told me not to bring any luggage of my own and not to bother to park. Yeah, it sounds so obvious now, but he can be a convincing booger when he's face to face with you. Just once I'd like to be able to do something nasty back to him... Only problem is all I can do to him is fuck up his precious Examiner articles, and he already does a better job at that himself than I could ever hope to equal. So until I think of something I'll just keep taking shits in his cartons of Rocky Road in his freezer when he's not looking.

Go back to the EXAMINER Homepage