(Note to readers. Yes, the midget is still the coolest thing here.)
And now we've come to the most annoying and the dumbest creation of homo sapien... Junk E-Mail. Junk E-Mail is like a direct portal from Satan's server to your monitor! It is evil in its most vile form. And I cannot make it stop. Dear Keerist Almighty, WHY CAN'T I MAKE IT STOP?!
To get down to the main problem and understand just what the fuck is up with junk e-mail we have to start at the beginning. The very beginning of it all. You see, the internet was first created in the early nineties by fat and ugly computer nerds who needed a way to see what nekkid women looked like. They first tried to see their own moms in the showers but even they (as perverted and hard up as they were and still are) knew that that was wrong. So they started trading nude pics they found in their Dads' dresser with each other over their computers and phone lines. Soon teenagers who weren't old enough to buy Playboy, Penthouse and Big Black Boobies Monthly got in on the game. After roughly 2 weeks the internet was created and desperate losers and lesbians were in heaven.
But that wasn't enough. This primitive internet was slow and the above mentioned geeks needed their electronic porno ASAP. So along with Al Gore they got to work and made the internet a living, breathing entity of nudity! Soon the world wide web was in place and the losers of the world rejoiced. They could then have porno on demand! As much as they wanted!! And for only a small monthly fee!!! But they did not realize that in their desperate mission for self gratification they had created a monster that could not and would not die. Yes, I speak of JUNK E-MAIL.
You can't reason with Junk E-Mail. It has a programmed mind that forces it to do one thing and one thing only: Advertise porno web sites and crash your computer with their pure numbers and tenacity.
Now don't get me wrong. I think that porno sites are God's gift to 14 year old boys. They're nothing wrong with looking up pictures of two blondes making out. In fact it's our right as American's to be able to hop on-line and type in "woman, horse, big boobies, spung" on a search engine if we want to! That's not what I'm saying. I think it's wrong and (as Hecubus would say) EVIL for said web pages to annoy the shit out of me by reminding me day after day, minute after minute that I can see live "midget fecal porn" anytime I want. I KNOW that I can dammit! Just leave me alone!!!!
Do you want to know what's even more annoying than simple porno ads clogging up my "inbox"? It's Junk Mail from other people. I'm not just talking ads for Viagra or how to buy stocks through "www.flush-yourmoney-downtheshitter.com", I mean mail sent to me by mistake. Family photos of indecently ugly families. Responses to E-Mail sex that I never made. Invitations to parties (really crappy ones I found out) of which I'd never met the host in my entire sober life. When will it end?!
What pisses me off the most though is the fact that the freaks who invented the Net and E-Mail named all this Junk E-Mail after a song in a Monty Python skit. Because these lifeless jackasses like to sit at home on Saturday nights and whack off to "www.sheepass.com" while trading Python catch phrases with other finger fuckers in chat rooms we now have to call it all "SPAM".... Spam... That doesn't even make any fucking sense! URGH! That's probably the most annoying thing in this article. The fact that Junk E-Mail is called fucking "SPAM"! I know I have already asked this, but what is wrong with this world?! Why do we allow the weakest and dorkiest among us to choose what we call irritating things? We should just go to Samuel L. Jackson and describe things for him to name.
ME: "So, what would you call all that irritating E-Mail that one gets that annoy the piss out of oneself?"
SAM: "I'd call it 'Mutha Fucka Shit Eatin Kiss My Ass Mail'. That's MoFoSEKMAM fo' short."
ME: "I see. So, what would you call Barbara Streisand?"
SAM: "Goddamit, white boy! Don't be mentioning her!! You almos' made me lose my lunch!"
Then he'd probably just kick my unworthy ass and throw me out a window. Sam is da man!
As to why he seems to be on the list of every major porn site's mailing list? Well, let's just say that it's payback for trying to pretend that my mom was Stifler's mom in American Pie. The debt is still far from repaid.