Let's try to get back to the fuckin' birthday talk.

Birthday SURVIVOR!: More Reality Than You Need
Part 2

Is It Really Real, and Why Do Lazy-Fucks Like It (Part II)?
Okay, so we already covered that "reality shows" are far from reality and are sometimes too much show. We also explored why people like them (they're fat, stupid and lazy). But I'm (personally) still not impressed with the whole idea of listening in and candidly watching a bunch of conniving ass-lickers fight over a pittily million dollars (Seriously folks! $1mil ain't that much anymore. I know Gordita Folders at Taco Bell that already have close to a million bucks saved up. And all it takes is a couple of expensive Chinese whores to wipe the whole mil clean away in the course of one slutty/sultry night). I only watched an episode or two of Survivor before I came up with my own idea on how to make the whole reality show thing take off to its true potential.
The problem is that people never think big enough. They think "freaks stranded on an island fighting for money" and then they stop and run with it. This is why I never truly got into it... The show could have been a helluva lot more exciting. Think Jurassic Survivor Park!

This time they're T-Rexcrement!

Those dinos are still there on that island, and there really wouldn't be all that much real danger to contestants (hell, Jeff Goldblum survived it twice!), it would just be perceived danger... Up until the final episode at least, where instead of voting somebody off they'd release a shitload of velociraptors on the two remaining competitors and the SURVIVOR would get $1billion (if there is a survivor, but even if their isn't, then CBS would save a few bucks and bag a lot more viewers too!). I say add a few scientists, a couple of paleontologists, some doctors and then a bunch of 10-15 year olds (who've actually seen some dinosaur movies) to the island's natural habitat and watch the fun begin!
I can almost guarantee you that the snot nosed little brats who've seen The Lost World and Barney will be the ones that live the longest. This would prove to be the most "real" of the reality shows as kids are usually always smarter than adults in situations that concern common sense. When a group of survivors would come upon a sleeping thunder lizard in a clearing the adult scientists would say "Hmmm, look at those rows and rows of sharp incisors. I bet this dinosaur eats the meat of little Galliomiseassiussaurus... Let's get a closer look while we hit it with sticks and rocks to see for sure." While the movie-savvy kids would already be high-tailing it up the closest 60 foot tree.


Where the Fuck Was I?
Shit... I lost my point. Did I ever have one?


Oh yeah, that's right! Naked assholes in mud who piss themselves off even more than they piss us off should not belong on TV. I think I already said that, but it's important.
All in all though, I don't think that these reality shows are too harmful to the general lazy-dick population. They are generally far less painful and destructive than such classics of American heritage like Ellen, Full House and anything on ABC's TGiF lineup. And at the very least, I'm grateful that Survivor never once made me feel the need to gouge my eyeballs out and dry heave (the big gay nudie incident only made me want to gouge my eyes out). I leave that to my birthdays now (which are thankfully only once a year and I do make sure that I always have plenty of cake).

MUD ORGY!  How'd I miss that one?!? So the moral of this story is to accept reality and birthdays, no matter how god-awful your life may seem. Don't become a fatty while watching other people make dicks of themselves unless in the process you get to see some chicks wrestle in the mud (see image on left). And most importantly: Gilligan's Jurassic Survivor Park would be the all time coolest fucking achievement mankind could ever hope to create!

Return to part 1 of Crappy "Reality"

(Note to readers: I've just acquired a real live editor, so the next Examiner article will actually be well structured and have a real point to it. I promise!)

Go Back to the Rossman EXAMINER!

And as you already know, none of the pictures and characters and crap that I use in any of the above articles are mine. They're all trademarks of rich people who live in California. I don't claim ownership of any of them (the pictures or the people who live in California).