Let Mortal Kombat BEGIN!!!

England VS. France: The FINAL Battle!

Round 9: Cities and Streets
London: Crowded, dirty and always cloudy.
Paris: Nicer, wider, much more scenic and gallons more cool tourist traps... The only problem is that for some goddamn reason the city planners decided it would be a great idea if they put "crotch-level" poles all around the fucking sidewalk!! What the hell is the point of this?! These poles make Paris the most dangerous city that I have ever walked through. Point to England (I never lost the ability to have children while wandering around London).

No!!  Oh shit!! Watch out for that *GODDAMN!*... Oh MAN!!!!  The humanity!!


Okay, the sore and humiliating memory of slamming me family jewels into a gay Frenchie sidewalk pole is still to vivid, so here I drew me doing it just so you could understand how fucking painful the Parisian streets are!
I can still feel it...


Round 10: Dining Establishments
The old "Pubs vs. Café" argument again. Pubs serve beer and Cafés serve coffee and hot chocolate. Pubs sound cool and are cool inside (lots of smoke and stuff on the walls) while cafés sound wussy and are even wussier inside. Granted pubs are a little weird (example: I go into a pub and order a pint of Guinness as I've waited years to drink a heavy ale in an authentic European pub with everybody else... yet I find 99% of all the natives drinking fucking Budweiser! Budweiser!! That's farged, man), but they are still 210% cooler than French cafés. Other than that the food in pubs sucks and is expensive as hell, but French food is almost as bad (except the desserts of course) and the drinks are as much as the meal itself. God bless America and the free refill policy we have in most of our fine chains of cloned family restaurants. Point to England.

Round 11: Driving
In England, everybody drives little pieces of shit that Volkwagon Beetles seemed to have crapped out. It's a country filled with toy cars. And they don't even call them "cars", it's "autos" or "automobile". That's just irritating.
As for the Frenchies, they have a bunch of small cars too, but tons of people drive motorcyles or just rollerblade everywhere. That's a helluva lot more rugged. And at least the French drive on the correct side of the road! What's up with Great Britain? Why do they have to be so different? Does it make them feel special to make fun of all the tourists who crash into their monuments and old people on the sidewalks when they try to merge into traffic?! It's not like they invented the "automobile" and originally decided which side to drive on. They are the ones who tried to change it... But like the loser-nerd-kid in your 7th grade science class who stood alone when the teacher asked if the students wanted an extra assignment over the weekend, no other country (well other than fucking Japan) wanted the left side of the road (well, quite honestly I didn't really do any research on the subject seeing as I'm a lazy bastard. So it's extremely possible that the US of A is in the minority on steering wheel placement and I'm talking out my arse).
As for how they drive?... Well both Frenchies and Brits drive like shit. They never put on turn signals, they never look before switching lanes or hitting pedestrians and they all apparently disconnected their brakes before hitting the open road. Point to France (basically for all the motorcycles and rollerbladers that take the place of cars. At least then pedestrians have a chance of taking them down too).

Sanctuary!!!  Sanctuary!!!!!
This is the typical Frenchie in his natural habitat. Identifiable by their gay haircuts, bouts of insanity and (most come with a) "hump". They also apparently like to break into song at odd moments and they enjoy when foreigners make fun of them and hurl rotten fruit and vegetables at them while crowning them "King of the Jackasses"... Well, I don't know for sure if they like it, but it does help emasculate them in front of their hot little girlfriends (as unusual as it may sound, the "attractive gene" of the French must only be available in the female Y-chromosome).


Round 12: Currency
The Pound vs. the Franc. "Pound" sounds much more manly despite "Franc" sounding like a man's name. It is a wussy name (well, when pronounced by Frenchies it is). But the big difference is how they spend. You see, everything in England looks to be the same price as everything in the States. For example, a pint of ale at a British pub would be around £3-4. And at first one might think "Hey, $3 ain't bad at all"... But consider that a £ is worth about $1.70 in real money and that pint begins to look a bit less necessary (well, not really. At this point one usually tries to figure out how much of his budget for food for the rest of the trip can be diverted to the "Pub Fund").
The Franc may sound really lame, but it makes you feel really rich when you go to the currency exchange counter and change like $30 into 20,005 Francs. Even when you buy a lemonade icee on the street for like 700 Francs, you look in your wallet and see that you have thousands left and you begin to feel like Bill Gates or Larry Flint. And let me tell you, feeling like Larry ain't really a bad thing (unless you get shot). Point to France.

Round 13: Things to do
Here we go. Final round.


Watch people smoke Ditto
Hit some cramped and tiny museums See some huge museums
See castles and shit See cathedrals and shit
Make fun of the Royal Family Push frogs off the Eiffel Tower or the Arc'd Triumph
Get piss drunk in a pub with lots of fun drunk Brits Piss off your rude Frenchie waiter by insulting his dead mother (making comparisons to cattle and canines gets best results)
Beat the crap out of freaky looking street performers who pretend to be statues Beat the crap out of gay mimes
Oogle the women Ditto (I must point out how much I love the French chickies' big pouty lips and their exotic eyes *Growl!*)
Shout "USA RULZ!" from the tops of old monuments Ditto
When the drab England thing gets old, take the train up to Scotland and live life fully! Obviously Ditto

Point to England.
Well, I don't give a shit about what the points may really add up to, the French suck and so England wins automatically. God save the Queen and all that. I'm going back to Scotland.

Fuckin' Shit!!!
After Big D, Little J, Celeste, Janet, Dave the Dazzling, Gregory, Chi-Chi, Julie, Jonothan, Leslie, Katie, Sarah, Laura, Rachel, Tom and I had figured out how much the bill to dinner in the pub really was (in US funds), we could fully understand what this statue was so freaked out about. I said goddamn! Buncha marties in this world I tell ya... And that's never a good thing.

Return to part 1 of the Final Battle

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