Enter The C.H.U.D.Fest (2000)... page 2 (No, that is NOT the Rossman in the picture above) Evil is evil. It's that simple. And on the night of CHUDFest 2000 I, the Rossman, was evil. "Wacky, out of control" evil, but evil non the less. Everything kooky or bad that would happen that night (i.e. party fouls, people missing the trash can while acting like caucasian basketball players taking a three point shot or even party-goers just tripping on the carpet) I would say "Whoa! Now that's evil!" I couldn't say it enough! People would first look at me when I'd say it like I was a loon, but then they'd see my devil horns and evil mustache and they'd fall to their knees in fits of cachinnation. That's the kind of party atmosphere that the Rossman just loves to be a part of... To tell the truth though, the rest of the night is kinda hazy. I'll do my best to recall important facts, but they might be a bit "out of focus". Apologies in advance. The EVIL was spreading at an alarming rate... for me to poop on! "I..... I don't know where to start. I was ambushed by the Rossman in the kitchen and he smashed a fake mustache on my face.... Then he called me 'Evil' and did a Snoopy dance for a few minutes. "I chuckled and said 'Yeah, that's clever... I'm evil... I have an evil mustache... it must be true', but he just kept grabbing people from all around and pointing at me saying 'Thaaaaaat's evil!!'. Does anybody know if he was on something that night?" -Unnamed EVIL Girl

I remember going out on the back patio for some air later on. Lots of people were outside relaxing and telling jokes. I of course told the Chi-Chi joke and acted the whole thing out as only Colin and I can do... Well, as only Colin can really do right, but I do try;). I had just sat back down on my lawn chair exhausted after performing the joke when we heard a commotion from the back door of the house. A guy in a wheel chair was trying to get out but he was having trouble with the sliding glass. A few of us helped him through and made a space for him in our circle to join us underneath the tiki-torches' bright light of the night. Nobody said anything for a while so I turned to the guy who just joined us and asked him what was going on. He crossed his arms in a deformed manner and replied with "TIMMY!" Everybody fell out of their chairs and out of the backs of pickups all around laughing their asses off! That was the greatest costume of the night! "Timmy! Timmy!..... Timmy. Timmy Timmy Timmy. "Timmy Timmy? TIMMY! Timmy, Timmy Timmy Timmy. Timmy? Timmy!" -Timmy Timmy needs no introduction.

We all laughed at Timmy for a bit but then he left us for greener pastures and less smelly people. We had nothing left to discuss really, so then I hunted down Mikey. I knew that Mikey would be able to keep the evening's funness going at full speed. After searching high and low I found him in front of his computer playing EnemaQuest with a bunch of other online losers, I mean "luckies". Nah, I won't kid myself, that was pretty damn lame. Who the fuck plays online role playing games in the middle of CHUDFest?! What kind of shit eating donkey raping ass spellunker do you have to be to abandon a fun gathering of drunkenness and debauchery to join an imaginary and electronic fake world in somebody's goddamn mainframe?!?!.... No offense, Mike. Anyway, I found the big guy and peeled him away from his monitor long enough to get him to show me some of his great pornogra-, Uh, artbooks. I got him to show me some rugged artbooks. He had some classic "Dirty Pair" (if you know what I mean) and other yummy stuff hidden in his room. Soon we had a few more curious friends join us and the topic of conversation quickly changed to Presidential Candidates and the basic fall of the greatness and all around invulnerability of the American Presidency starting with Nixon's tapes and subsequent resignation from the position of Leader of the Free World. After covering the Iran Contra catastrophe of the Reagan Administration we wondered why Clinton would only go after ugly chicks when he could bag anybody in America that he wanted to. Soon I started arguing with a stereo speaker and everybody left me alone. I think I lost (the speaker had some damn fine arguments). Then I lost track of a bit of time. Everything's cool when Mikey's in da house! "I was in the middle of the fourth temple of the Daenitei Dwarves in the Rhadinae Province when the Rossman shows up and drunkenly demands that I show him my artbooks and what-not. I needed a break anyway, so I led the guy to my secret hiding place and let him look through them. "I found him salivating over a few pages, but when I looked he was just looking at sketches of Mughi. I learned not to ask questions when he gets all weird and stuff. After a while some more guys came in and the Rossman put down the books and tried to get us to talk about 'pillow fights, Chinese whores and Farscape'. I wanted to see what everybody thought about what they were doing to Chiana in this season (I personally think she's totally underused and needs more of an active role on Moya), but then the Rossman started yelling at the speaker in the corner and soon he just started shouting out Billy Madison lines until we all left. I lost track of him for a good 3-4 hours after that. Once again, it's best to not ask questions. Speaking of questions, who the fuck invited Jimmy Jammer?! I'll kick his or her ass!" -Mike (Strikeman)

Man! The next thing I knew it was three hours later, some of my clothes were missing and my fists were all bloody and scraped. I found my shirt in the neighbor's yard (inside the dog house for some evil reason) and my horns were on somebody's mailbox down the street. I also had powder burns on my finger tips and thought that Phil might have had something to do with it (I remember a bit too much of New Year's to let that slide). I couldn't find him anywhere, but I soon forgot about my problem (s) as I joined Dance Party Greenwood already in progress. I remember jumping around a lot for a few hours there, but that's basically it. Somebody (don't remember who exactly) tried to convince me that he saw me do some things over the past few hours that I know I never would have ^o^. What a nutty nutcase. I simply told him that he must've been seeing things and not to worry the other guests with his overly active imagination ;). He soon saw it my way and never said another word. "Ummmmmm, I actually know what happened to the Rossman those three hours that nobody could seem to find him that night.... I have a friend who knew too. The last we saw of him was from a role of film in the 'party camera' that the Rossman had at one point during the night. It isn't pretty. "It's not that bad a story... really... but I guess that the Rossman feels otherwise. I don't even want him knowing that I know cause he doesn't know that I know that he doesn't know I know. He may think I don't know or only know a little, but I do know. The neighborhood kids were like all scared for the next few days and some concerned parents came over to Greenwood to tell us about something one of our guests was doing on that Saturday night and well they basically told us what scared all of their kids and, well.... Oh shit, I think I said too much already! You're not gunna post this anywhere, are you? You could get me into some serious shiznit if you know what I mean..." -Matt (Chujo) I didn't THINK you wanted to tell them anything! More than likely, R.I.P.

Soon the time warp began (it was Daylight Savings Time.... or did DLST just end?... Who really gives a rat's ass, the point is the clocks fell back and we gained an hour [which kinda made up for me losing a few]) and I was feeling a bit out of it. I have got to learn to pace myself better next time. Well, time seemed to fly for me during the next few hours and I only have a few scant memories of some pretty weird things going on that I swear I had little (if anything) to do with. For example: Everybody ran from the kitchen to the stairway when we heard that some chick was "licking Jackie". That was pretty fucked up. I can't even think of anything more screwed up to say about it.   Then the evil mustache started jumping from person to person all the while spreading the evil like a virus. An evil virus. I don't really remember this, but it looks pretty cool. I wonder if the mustache was involved in any way. After all that evil somebody finally remembered to put C.H.U.D. into the VCR. I couldn't make it all the way through though (seeing as it really sucks and I had already collapsed about 12 times that night). So I dragged my sorry arse up to Mikey's room and claimed a small rectangle of floorspace as my own. Despite getting kicked around, stepped on, having the door opened into me several times and a scare of somebody almost vomiting on me I had a pretty good night's sleep. During the course of the night the evil that was in me slowly (but not too quietly) escaped. Nobody seemed to notice (except the kid who crashed closest to me). She was turning Japanese... I really think so. "Well, the last that I saw the Rossman that night he was dancing like a big, drunk 6'4" white guy in the dance party when all of a sudden he stopped in mid 'monkey' and got a really dazed look on his puss. I though he was gunna turn the CHUDFest into a 'Ya Ain't Leavin Till You're Heavin Party', but instead he just sat down (in the middle of the floor) and started chanting 'CHUD! CHUD! CHUD!!' "Well, everybody was pretty tired of dancing at that point and lots more peeps started chanting "CHUD!" too. So sure enough the Greenwood folk broke down and complied and put CHUD on the TV.... Holy shit that sucked. It was worse than 'Manos, Hands of Fate' on MST3K! Anyway, I only made it past the first 20 minutes but the Rossman was already gone. Disappeared into the night as it were. I felt the need to punish the moron for causing the end of the dance for the sake of a crappy movie so I tracked him down to Mike's room (where he was already unconscious on the floor) and proceeded to step on him and kick him and open the door into his kidneys until I felt better. I must've passed out or something cause the next thing I knew somebody was pulling my limp body off of the Rossman's almost corpse and they had to pry my stiff fingers off of his throat. I guess that CHUDFest just makes you do the craziest things." -Kimono Girl (who took a vow of secrecy and ecstasy) Continue forward on your FINAL frightful discoveries of the true horror behind CHUDFest 2000!!! Page 3 awaits! Or go to the EXAMINER Homepage