Enter The C.H.U.D.Fest (2000)... page 3
(No, that is NOT the Rossman in the picture above)

I woke up at 9 the following morning (well, by "woke up" I mean "un-passed out") and stumbled down to the kitchen (while trying not to step on any of the many dead bodies lying all over the place) to see who was also up and to try and get them to cook me something for breakfast. I learned a lesson a looooong time ago about how important the "morning after breakfast" actuallyEvil incarnate. was to the weekend drunkard. Greasy foods are the key. No matter how much you don't feel like eating, some greasy eggs, sausage and bacon will always fix your tummy up right. I can't explain it (just like I can't explain why my windpipe felt like it had been crushed in when I got up that morning), but it is 100% true. Trust me, I wouldn't lie to you about something this important and dear to me.
Sooooo, after a good hearty (and heart cloggin') feast I felt almost as good as new. I then went on a hunt for my evil mustache, but alas it was gone forever. That was probably for the best. I was over the evilness and ready to embrace the good again. That hairy piece of malevolence would have just re-corrupted my soul, and that's never good right after a pound of greasy back bacon. I just let it go. To the left you can see the last picture taken of me with my hairy evil stache. I'll always remember the good times.

Not even Nyquil could have cured this.
The Cook D'Jour.

"I had stayed up all night watching CHUD and playing some games and all when before I knew it it was morning. So I went into the kitchen to get some juice or something to keep me going when the Rossman just like appears behind me. He looked around the room for a bit before turning to me and 'ordering' me to cook him something fried and with lots of butter.

"I had no idea what he was talking about and thought that maybe he was still drunk (I still don't know if he was or not). I tried to leave but he put me in a friggin' full nelson and then shoved me toward the stove. Then he began digging through the fridge until he found a shitload of eggs and bacon. He then sat down at the table and forced me to cook it for him. Now, I don't know jack shit about cooking, but I do know that what I eventually served him would have killed a normal man in seconds. It was like runny and raw scrambled eggs and almost a pound of virtually uncooked bacon. He then washed it down with a half gallon of OJ. The man is truly an immortal!... By the way, this has been buggin' me for a while now. Who the fuck invited Jimmy Jammer?! That fat fuck ate almost all of the danishes and other breakfast treats the night before!"

-Temporary Cook


After a little while more and more people started rising from their dead slumbers. They mostly all began to accumulate in the kitchen. Soon everybody started to feel a bit more alive after some black coffee and greasy foods. A lot of people had trouble remembering the previous night and even more tried to forget.
Slowly the breakfast club moved into the TV theater-room and the Sunday morning bad cable movies took everybody's attention away from the mess of the after-party that surrounded us. There was that great midget samurai movie that I thought rocked, and then we found a lawn mower Nascar-like race going on. I was rooting for driver 104+. He had what it took to be a lawn mower driving champ!
It took a while for most everybody to get up (and then go back to sleep again before getting up much later), but soon most of those who survived CHUDFest were watching the race. I found myself needing some air at that point (lots of unwashed partiers crammed into a small room with no real ventilation... you try staying for any length of time, bitch!), so I wandered out to the patio to suck in some fresh afternoon air. A few more guys and gals joined me and we started talking about what could be done to improve CHUDFest for next year. The consensus was "not much"... Except for possibly sacrificing Jimmy Jammer, if he tried to show up again, to the goat god Morrigus.

"It was night. I fell asleep. Next thing I knew it was light outside the window and a bunch of people were running into the room (and stepping on me in the process) to see a samurai movie with a midget in it... Great.

"Anyway, I did finally get to see the newest racing craze to sweep the States in the form of lawnmowers... which didn't even mow any lawns. They just raced. There's no challenge in that. I say that the first person to mow my whole damn lawn should win. Man, it's really hard to sleep when people are cheering all around you for a fat man on a John Deere.

"By the way, did I just imagine that the Rossman showed up at around 3 in the morning with a dead body? Did anybody else see that?.."

-Sleepy Head

Groggy at Greenwood.
Goooooo to sleeeeeeeep!


We talked about a bunch of different stuff but soon we decided that it may in fact be time to call CHUDFest a success and kick everybody out. We thought of a creative way of doing it though. We'd take the tiki-torches from the previous night and light them up. Then we'd bring them inside and hand them to a bunch of people around the TV. We'd have the "host" come in, extinguish one of the torches and whichever 5 people were closest had to leave.
"I'm sorry, but you've been voted out of Greenwood. Please say your quick good-byes and grab your stuff. You have one minute to leave."
It was a great way to end CHUDFest. Ah, but soon enough it was my turn. I said my "sayonaras" and headed out into the real world once again with my chin held up high and my memory fresh with all the excitement and scary happenings that will be known as CHUDFEST 2000!!! It was glorious!!!! And then I died.

"Worship me!"
Some evil memories of CHUDFest 2000.

"Well, I came up with a very creative idea to get people to leave that Sunday morning. I wanted to use the tikis in a Survivoresque type way. You know, give them to people then extinguish the flame and tell them that they must leave. I thought it would be hilarious.

"The Rossman wanted it to be bigger though. He wanted to extinguish the flames and like throw firecrackers at the leaving partiers as they ran out the door. He also wanted to 'borrow' the neighbor's dog to chase after them as they ran to their cars too, but we told him to just go into the TV room and prepare everybody for the torches. Well, needless to say the Rossman and Jimmy Jammer were the first to go. We didn't make anybody else leave for a good 3 hours later..."



Well, that's the end of my story. Despite it being a Halloween party and the fact that we watched CHUD didn't make it very scary in hindsight, I agree. I'll try to do better with my Christmas themed article in December.

CHUDFest was a success. Only because of the dedication of the Greenwood crew, the donators and most especially because of Pimp Daddy Puffy Brush (seen below). God bless ya, PDPB! You saved the night.

Da pimp daddy knows what you needs is da PUD!
"It wuz fly, my brothahs."

The drunk man says "FORWARD!!!  Or I'll piss on your shoes!"
Go to the EXAMINER Homepage