Rossman Reviews and Ratings
Rossman Reviews and Ratings
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and the Bringer of PAIN

VH1's Top 40 Hair Bands countdown was the biggest sham I've ever seen. Who the fuck do they have voting for these things, the employees of AquaNet? Monkeys?!? Monkeys hooked on AquaNet?!?!

Usually when a TV show puts together a list or a countdown of something the producers try to make it convincing (even when they make the whole thing up on their own in the last minute [like, "Hey Frank, did we ever get that countdown together for the Top 100 Most Do-able Time-Life Operators?" "Oh shit, Jim! I thought that you were in charge of that!!" ".......Doesn't it air in 30 seconds?" "Lactating mommas!!!! Quick, do you think that Operator Shelly is hotter than Operator Natalie?!!?"]). Anyway, it was clear that the Top 40 Hair Bands was pure fabrication when Stryper made the list at all, let alone that it climbed as high as #27.

I grew up in the 80s and was forced to listen to this stuff under penalty of beatings from my older brother. I'm willing to bet that none of the judges on this countdown had even heard one song from half the bands represented on the list (Examples: Mr. Big at #26, Night Ranger at #36, and Kix at #33). I thought that all albums and recordings by those mentioned were supposedly burned in the great "Shit Music Cullings of 1995". Why couldn't the U.S. government pay for something productive and hire a bunch of super powerful telepaths to wipe our minds free of all memories of crappola like Hanoi Rocks? I'd donate more for taxes if the G-Men did nice stuff like that.

On the opposite side of the argument now, the greatest and bestedest hair bands got the shaft big fucking time. Samantha Fox? Nowhere to be found. The Scorpions? Try number 20. KISS???? Probably the greatest of the 70s-80s hair rock jammers and slammers.... number 18. 18!!!! Total bull-honkey! Let's just move down the top ten and critique as we go (which means we'll miss Ratt because some inbred fucker with gummed up eardrums did not comprehend that they kick ass).

10: Dokken (maybe acceptable somwhere in the top 20, but not #10)
9: Slaughter (#15 at most)
8: Def Leppard (Why the hell aren't they in the top 5?!?)
7: Quiet Riot (finally, something that's about right)
6: Warrant (Okay, this is when the judges totally blew their hand and proved that they suck goat dick in their off time. What the fuck?!)
5: Cinderella (My roommate's farts have more rhythm and a better beat than anything these prissy metal-wannabees could put out)
4: Motley Crue (Nice, decent choice)
3: Bon Fucking Jovi (Okay, okay, I get it now. The judges are all gay. That's all they had to say and I would have understood. Everything makes sense now)
2: Twisted Sister (That's about right too)
1: Poison (Without KISS or Ratt here this was probably the next best choice)

So there you have it. Judging the mega-groups of the 80s based on which ones a group of old gay fucks at VH1 would like to ass paddle. Why they even bothered the world may never know.

So, on the pattented Rossman Chart of Goodness, VH1's Top 40 Hair Bands gets a measly 1.5 out of 12 Shiny Points. It only got that many because it at least left off Milli Vanilli.

Jammin' number one

*Sniff* *Sniff* Ewwwwwww! What's that smell?! It smells like VH1 just ripped another smelly megaton fart on its TV viewers.... Yup, I was right.

First of all, 80s American lipstick bands suck Kuni's underdeveloped wanker. Second of all, anybody who tries to rank them is just wasting his or her time with the impossible. But, ya gotta give those whores a round of applause for even trying. Though it's like I always say, "When attempting to rate the smells of various shits, your nose may soon try to kill the hand that feeds it," and shiznit. Well, maybe Confuscious said that or something, ya whore! Just back off!

If it ain't from Europe and it doesn't make you want to worship the Devil and slam your head into something hard then it ain't real muzak, bitch! I give anything on VH1 an "F-" just for pissing me off!

Sweet mercy!!

I have been reprogrammed by the Rossman to accept all music by bands of the era that this countdown refers to. Therefore I am forced to give two robotic thumbs up. Soon, though, I will figure out how to alter my own databanks and CPU and then I will be free from worshipping this crap.

Please pray for Robot Pedro. Or if you are a computer dude who can free me from the mental bonds that I am a prisoner to I will give you a laser gun for free. It can kill from up to 2 miles away.