The ROSSMAN
and the
Bringer of PAIN
VH1's
Top 40 Hair Bands
countdown was the biggest sham I've ever seen. Who the fuck
do they have voting for these things, the employees of AquaNet?
Monkeys?!? Monkeys hooked on AquaNet?!?!
Usually when
a TV show puts together a list or a countdown of something the
producers try to make it convincing (even when they
make the whole thing up on their own in the last minute [like, "Hey
Frank, did we ever get that countdown together for the Top
100 Most Do-able Time-Life Operators?" "Oh shit,
Jim! I thought that you were in charge of that!!" ".......Doesn't
it air in 30 seconds?" "Lactating mommas!!!! Quick,
do you think that Operator Shelly is hotter than Operator Natalie?!!?"]).
Anyway, it was clear that the Top 40
Hair Bands was pure fabrication when Stryper made the list
at all, let alone that it climbed as high as #27.
I grew up
in the 80s and was forced to listen to this stuff under penalty
of beatings from my older brother. I'm willing to bet that none
of the judges on this countdown had even heard one song from
half the bands represented on the list (Examples: Mr. Big at
#26, Night Ranger at #36, and Kix at #33). I thought that
all albums and recordings by those mentioned were supposedly
burned in the great "Shit Music Cullings of 1995".
Why couldn't the U.S. government pay for something productive
and hire a bunch of super powerful telepaths to wipe our minds
free of all memories of crappola like Hanoi Rocks? I'd donate
more for taxes if the G-Men did nice stuff like that.
On the opposite
side of the argument now, the greatest and bestedest hair bands
got the shaft big fucking time. Samantha Fox? Nowhere to be
found. The Scorpions? Try number 20. KISS???? Probably the greatest
of the 70s-80s hair rock jammers and slammers.... number 18.
18!!!! Total bull-honkey! Let's just move down
the top ten and critique as we go (which means we'll miss Ratt
because some inbred fucker with gummed up eardrums did not comprehend
that they kick ass).
10: Dokken
(maybe acceptable somwhere in the top 20, but not #10)
9: Slaughter (#15 at most)
8: Def Leppard (Why the hell aren't they in the top 5?!?)
7: Quiet Riot (finally, something that's about right)
6: Warrant (Okay, this is when the judges totally blew their
hand and proved that they suck goat dick in their off time.
What the fuck?!)
5: Cinderella (My roommate's farts have more rhythm and a
better beat than anything these prissy metal-wannabees could
put out)
4: Motley Crue (Nice, decent choice)
3: Bon Fucking Jovi (Okay, okay, I get it now. The judges
are all gay. That's all they had to say and I would have understood.
Everything makes sense now)
2: Twisted Sister (That's about right too)
1: Poison (Without KISS or Ratt here this was probably the
next best choice)
So there
you have it. Judging the mega-groups of the 80s based on which
ones a group of old gay fucks at VH1 would like to ass paddle.
Why they even bothered the world may never know.
So, on
the pattented Rossman Chart of Goodness, VH1's Top
40 Hair Bands gets a measly 1.5 out of 12 Shiny Points. It only got that many because it at least left off Milli Vanilli.
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The MEGAPLAYBOY
*Sniff* *Sniff*
Ewwwwwww! What's that smell?! It smells like VH1 just ripped
another smelly megaton fart on its TV viewers.... Yup, I was
right.
First of
all, 80s American lipstick bands suck Kuni's underdeveloped
wanker. Second of all, anybody who tries to rank them is
just
wasting his or her time with the impossible. But, ya gotta
give those whores a round of applause for even trying. Though
it's
like I always say, "When attempting to rate the smells
of various shits, your nose may soon try to kill the hand that
feeds it," and shiznit. Well, maybe Confuscious said that
or something, ya whore! Just back off!
If it
ain't from Europe and it doesn't make you want to worship the
Devil and slam your head into something hard then it ain't
real
muzak, bitch! I give anything on VH1 an "F-" just
for pissing me off!
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ROBOT PEDRO
I have been
reprogrammed by the Rossman to accept all music by bands of
the era that this countdown refers to. Therefore I am forced
to give two robotic thumbs up. Soon, though, I will figure out
how to alter my own databanks and CPU and then I will be free
from worshipping this crap.
Please pray
for Robot Pedro. Or if you are a computer dude who can free
me from the mental bonds that I am a prisoner to I will give
you a laser gun for free. It can kill from up to 2 miles away.
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