 The Glitzy ROSSMAN
Ahhhhhhhhhhh.
Las Vegas. Visions of Wayne Newton. Elvis. Gay white tigers.
Flushing money down the shitter. Sherryl Crow... She sang "Leaving
Las Vegas". But I digress.
I know that
they call New York the "city that never sleeps",
but that's mostly due to worrying about terrorists now. Nowhere
in NY can you go gambling, get married, eat a $7 steak and
lobster
buffet, lose your life savings, see an expensive show and get
divorced all at 4 in the morning and all at the same time.
That's
the Vegas magic, baby! Anything you've ever wanted to do you
can do in Las Vegas. Yeah, it may not be legal, but you can
still do it and barely anybody would even look twice. You might
even get applause from those who do.
The food
is incredible (if you go to the right places). The sites are
papercut-to-the-eyeball unbelievable (if you know where to look)!
And the gambling is out and out hyper-hysterical (if you like
to blow wads of cash in a matter of minutes). Though it's that
last thing that makes me start to wonder about human civilization
as a whole.
You see,
Vegas is a city of dreams. 99.99999% of the people who
go there believe that they deserve to win (and WILL win)
a million bucks before they go home. The other 0.00001% arrived
as millionaires and proceeded to crap their mullah away in the
course of one night's drunken blackjack game. What these morons
don't realize is that dreams are NOT reality. Yeah, it's good
to think that you could somehow win $1million for doing
nothing but looking at a row of dealt cards or by pulling the
arm of a slot machine... whatever keeps you from hanging yourself
because you live in a shithole in the ghetto and work behind
the counter of a McDonald's at age 55. But to sink your hard
earned $4.25 an hour savings on that total unreality is dumber
than Jimmy Jammer when he thinks that telling women that he
has a 3-inch wang is a good thing.
I watched
first hand as hundreds of people (rich, and poor & stupid
alike) wagered more than they could spare on a roll of the
dice
or the spin of the dollar slots. That's anywhere from a dollar
to $20,000 on less than a second of hope, and an eternity of
feeling like a dipshit.
I never understood
this "addiction". How do people get a high out of
throwing money away? Eh, like I give a shite. I personally
just
had fun watching those schlongs while I ate my 16oz. New York
Strips, ice cream buffets, fancy Chinese Foods, cakes and pies,
and drank my $1 a bottle beers. At least I have happy memories
of the money I spent in Sin City. And a gut to last me
about 2 months.
What did
I think of Las Vegas? I would have to give the City
of Neon a good Rossman thumbs up. It was a sight to see. Everything
was 10Xs the size that it would be in any other city. Plus
there
was lots of "classy" shows with nekkid women to watch
and enjoy. I also did win $50 myself, but that's a story for
another repetitive article.
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The Sinful WOLFMAN
Elvis said
it best before... Back when he was blimpy, out of shape, hepped
up on drugs and wearing that dazzling and sparkly jumpsuit: "Viva Las Vegas!" I don't know what it means, but
he probably meant to say "Fuck you, Las Vegas!!"
Dammit! I
put aside $300 to spend on that trip and it was gone within
10.34 minutes of stepping into the casino in the lobby of
the
hotel. That bitch behind the table said that "the next
hand" was going to be the Wolfman's "lucky chance".
S'matter of fact they all kept saying that. But you know what?
It was a frickin' lie! The Wolfman don't like no lies.
Shit. Anyway,
other than that "gambling problem" where I had to
put a second and then third mortgage out on the Wolfman Homestead,
I enjoyed the damn city. Did you know that there are nudie
dance
shows in every hotel?! Now that's the good life that
I'm sure them city folk live all the time. Plus there's lots
of steak to eat. LOTS. Every huge hotel/casino apparently has
to have 6 or more slaughter houses just to supply all the cow
that they serve. Do we raise cattle on Mars now? Where the hell
does it all come from?! Steak and eggs, steak buffet, steak
and lobster, steak ala steak, triple porterhouse steak appetizers,
and the Wolfman's favorite, steak on top of an entire charred
cow corpse. And that was just on the first day.
I think after
careful consideration the Wolfman has to give some evil props
to the architects of "the strip" too. Sure, some
hotels were beyond the cheese factor... I'm looking at you,
Excalibur!
But for the most part they were reeeeeeeal nice and perty.
Some, like the MGM Grand even had a huge 300 foot television
screen
out front on which they'd show ads for their La Femme nudie
show every 2 minutes. How's that for service?
One other
thing that sucked the shit out of a dog's anus was the walking.
My feet were bleeding after the first goddamn day! Everything
is so Oprah-like large that it fools you into thinking that
the next hotel is right around the bend, when it's really about
3 miles away. If only the hotels would comp you with midgets
to sit on and carry you around town whenever you lose several
hundred thousand dollars at their betting tables from hell...
In the end all I got for my losses was a complimentary pen with
a woman on it whose clothes come off when you tilt it.... and
the Rossman broke that from overuse in only 4 minutes.
I suppose
that the Wolfman has no choice but to give the almighty city
in the desert a 3 and 1/10 Eternal Fires of Damnation out
of
5. It truly is a "Sin City", but when it sins
against me I tend to take it personally and start fires. Too
bad I couldn't find any matches.
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SATAN
"Sin
City" my ass! Yeah, maybe back in the golden days when
Vegas was still run by the good ol' mobsters. That was kind
of sinful. But today the whole strip is just one mega-Di$ney-esque
hotel and casino after another. Each of them is trying to out
do the other in becoming bigger, flashier, more obnoxious and
more kid friendly than the previous. Even the legalized whore
houses have daycare centers set up in them! That's not evil,
that's scary! And when something scares me then you know
it's bad... but not in an evil way. Which makes it even worse.
It just irks
me sometimes when I think of the potential that Vegas had.
Yeah, it still might become a new Sodom and Gomorrah some
day, but
I won't hold my breath. The town's becoming twisted, but there's
still no advertised live beastiality shows or anything (that
was the final straw that brought all that fire and brimstone
down upon S&G way back when). Well, at least none that
I saw. And if there were any I'm sure that kids are 1/2 price
and get a free soda with their admission.
One
Thumb up, One Thumb down....... What potential. What waste. Yeah, I am disappointed in Las Vegas,
but at least thousands of people a day lose their children's
college funds while playing poker and boozing it up.
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