1986 was the year that the greatest movie of all time was released. It was the year that I first met evil face to face (well, face to face across a movie screen at least) and actually trembled in a giddy sort of way. It was, and forever shall be known as, the year of UNICRON.... And for you slow ones out there, yes, Transformers the Movie is the most stupendulous movie ever made.
See, I was a total die-hard Transformers fan. I mean, fucking big time. I had all the TV episodes taped, and over 50 of the changeling robots themselves. I actually even collected the crappy comic book that tried to be more violent and thought provoking than the TV show but just ended up being crappy. I had it all... Except for one thing that I pined for for over 17 years: The monster planet UNICRON.
Unicron, for the uninformed, was the big bad of the first and only theatrical Transformers adventure. He was a giant planet with rings and two claws positioned in front of a great big maw that he used to grab and eat other planets with. I mean, fuck! He also had the power to transform into a colossal devil-like robot complete with horns, wings, and the cool as shit voice of Orson Welles (the Academy Award Winner's final role, FYI). Screw the Death Star! Even with Darth Vader and Grand Moff Tarkin in it that thing still only took down one planet during its lifetime. Unicron had been munching planets and moons for millions of years before Transformers - The Movie even began. Unicron IS the darkside!
Anyway, as I said before, I had waited 17 years for the powers that be to actually get off their butts and make a Unicron toy. There were plans in the past to do so, but the production sketches and prototypes blew ass. They were fucking horrible! The designers spent all their time trying to make the Unicron toy's planet-mode look good, and they completely neglected the uber-schway robot-devil mode. I thank God that they never got any of those old attempts mass produced, as it would have completely ruined the memory of the greatest villain ever painted (yes, even greater than Megatron... Hell, Uni made Megatron his bitch fer Christ's sake!).
But then, almost 2 decades after I first caught a glimpse of the metallic robo-baddie, I finally got what I had been dreaming of for like 2/3rds of my life: The Be All, End All UNICRON TOY... And he is a right old bastard.
I went out and bought myself a Unicron, and as soon as I got the 16 inch jumbo-planet-robot into my house he started giving me lip (mostly about my "highly dubious" attempts at house cleaning). He busted out of his box when I left him alone for a few minutes while I tried to find the Dustbuster to put the little fucker to work with, and ran straight to my DVD collection. He stepped on and defecated on all of my G.I. Joe discs (it was some sort of motor oil I think), and then he karate chopped a good portion of my anime stuff before I could stop the robodick. I picked him up and was just about to spank him when he turned his head around (a la Linda Blaire) and spoke in that awesomely cool voice, "Before my punishment, mortal, I think I should get a final request... I demand to witness the dismemberment of Transformers - The Movie in all its digital glory!" I told him that my point was to make him call me 'master', and he told me, "The point is you are a fool!"... Which made perfect sense when accompanied by his evil, flashing eyes.
We sat down and watched the greatest movie ever made and all the while Uni kept making comments about how "That scene had to be shot fifteen times because Hot Rod couldn't act his way out of an energy cube convincingly", and how "The Galvatron in that scene is really just a sculpted piece of chocolate", which was the only way they'd get Uni to actually eat him... and so on and so forth. Some of his facts were interesting, but it really got annoying whenever he'd just blurt out "Bah!" or "You suck!" whenever an Autobot did something cool. Things got really ugly when he kept making me rewind the whole "opening of the Matrix" segment claiming some shit like "That is complete cyber-shit!! See, that is the only part of the script that I did not agree to! They said that the originally filmed ending where I devour their planet and then meet up with Golobulous and take over the universe was the way they were going to go! I mean seriously... Look at that! It's just a glowing hunk of robot memories!!! How the hell is that supposed to blow me up?!?! Fuck that chink director!! I did Citizen Kane for God's sake!!!" I tried to step on him but he transformed and took a big chunk out of my arm, so I just let him go. I figured that there weren't any planets around my house for him to eat, so he was bound to power-down sooner or later... And when he did, my microwave was going to find out what a robot-god tasted like.
As Unicron was rampaging through my house, destroying beloved childhood toys and looking up robo-porn on the internet, I took the time to see just how well made the little bastard actually was. I found myself quite impressed with his construction. He was super sturdy in robot mode and stood up to several almost pissed off transformations without breaking or getting thrown through the closest window. His planet mode (which thankfully was only second on the minds of his creators) was surprisingly well done! He's got the full orbital rings going on, the spikes, the claws (that actually pinch) and the mouth (that actually chews). But of course, I love his robo-devil form more. LOVE it! I would probably make sweet sweet love to it if some sort of appliance like that was included in the final specs. The "robot" Unicron looks almost exactly like he did in his feature film debut. He's got the wings, the clawed feet, fully articulated hands (that can grab testicles and yank real hard when he's in a foul mood), and glowing eyes. His eyes fucking glow! How goddamn sweet is that?!?!
Now, I don't watch the new Transformers: Crapmada show that this Unicron toy is really made for (it's Pokemon with gay robots... And they don't even use the original Prime's and Megatron's voices!! Assholes!), so I don't know how Uni fits into that storyline or if he's even as cruel and heartless as he is in the original Transformers universe... And I will hopefully never find out. See, Transformers: Armada completely pussified the ultimate good guy, Optimus Prime, and the penultimate bad guy, Megatron. I am terrified of what it will do with Unicron. Granted, with a TV show's schedule they could really stretch out the whole Unicron storyline for the better and totally bulk up his history and such, but if he's just a giant ringed pussy planet... well, I.. I just don't want to find out. I can see those retard producers and writers saying, "That's no good, Brucie... We need to reach the gay demographic more. Give ol' Uni a lisp and make him wear a flight attendant's outfit. Woo Wooooo! All aboard!" I swear to Allah that I would hunt them all down and gut them like trout.
But back to the problem at hand. Running low on energon, Unicron (the houseguest) started to wind down. I finally caught him after he had violated my Gunbuster figurine and wrote "Unicron Rulz! The Rossman sucks stools... You know, like 'feces'" on my bedroom ceiling a couple of hundred times. Fucker. Anyway, his batteries got low and I nabbed him. I then stuffed the little prick back into his box in order to let him sit on my shelf and become valuable some day in the distant future when some snobby rich kid who had mommy and daddy buy him a Unicron because he didn't push the butler down the stairs that week grows up and wants another Unicron in mint condition to replace his that he blew up with an M80 two hours after he opened the box because he got bored with not being able to shove Jeeves down the stairs. Man, I hope my Unicron eats little William Theodore Covington III's liver with some fava beans..
Now here's a guy that I can really sink my fangs into! Unicron, the destroyer of whole planets! I mean, I've tried, but I can only manage to fuck up a few living souls at any one time... But to be able to just munch on an entire population before the opening credits... Wow! There's a real go getter!
I had been following Unicron's career ever since he deleted Percicon VI a few decades ago, and I must give the mighty horned one some heavy props. He had a game plan, and he knew what he had to do in order to reach his goals. His only real problem was that he approached it all wrong.
Okay, let's take a look at the way things played out. Good old Uni knew that the Autobot Matrix of Leadership was the only thing next to a giant plate of bad oysters that could cause him harm. So he set his sights on eliminating it. All good so far. In order to take the Matrix out without getting near it and putting his own ass on the line he recruits Megatron to do his dirty work for him.... Okay, mistake number one right there. Unicron is supposed to be somewhat omnipotent. He can see things from great distances on his super-satellite TV that he's got hooked up into his brain. So how come he didn't see that it took Megatron several million years to do any real damage to any one Autobot ever. Seriously! It's not until 2005 (movie time) that Megatron actually gets the cojones enough to slaughter a few 'Bots. Until then he's only really come close to doing just that on a couple of occasions... This is Unicron's number one "cleaner"? Urgh...
Anyway, so Megatron's now under Uni's control. He goes after Ultra Magnus, the new Matrix holder, and finally catches up to him on Junkeon where he snags the glowy leadership doodad for himself and makes a proclamation that now Unicron will be his to command. Well, Uni gets pissed, sure, but he should know that he's got nothing to worry about. After all, only pure-of-heart Autobots can open that Rubix from hell and Megatron's pretty much screwball now. But, Uni loses his cool, transforms, swallows Megatron and starts attacking Cybertron, which he's got to know will bring the Autobots a calling. Now, that may have been his plan, I don't know. That would have been a good strategy you know. To have the Matrix inside him and just pick off the approaching Autobots one by one as they pathetically attack him like ants against my Mercy B. But then Unicron gets a bit sloppy with his aim and, D'oh!, let's the leaders of the Autobot Party enter into his body where he just threw the Matrix that can only be opened by one of them. Niiiiiice.
Long story short, Uni does a great job of slaughtering the insects that attack him from the outside, but instead of throwing Megatron along with the Matrix into that vat of acid that Spike and Bumblebee almost fell into, he allows that punk-ass-bitch Hot Rod to steal back the doohickey and open it up like a humongous can of whoop-ass. End of Uni, end of story. *Sigh* Why are my coolest minions always the dumbest?...
Whut in the shit-tarnation was that?! The Rossman made me come on over to check out some crazy doodad called a "Unicron" or somesuch, without so much as tellin' me what the fuss was all about.
So's Ah gets over to his place, and he says that he's holdin' behind his back the coolest robo-device mankind has ever done made. Now, Ah'm gettin' all excited thinkin' that he's done got me an early birthday present consistin' of a fancy vibrator or sumtin'... But then he just whips out a strange little Satan-thing that tells me to "proceed on my way to oblivion" or the like, and then it just starts bitin' and humpin' me all over. Normally Ah'd be pretty turned on and maybe a bit more receptive, but that damn thing looked just like the anti-Christ himself, and let me tell y'all somethin', Tammi just don't swing that way. You got me? Y'all can go pee-pee on me if ya want to, I'm fine with that. Y'all can hang me upside down and get some gang bang action happenin' for all Ah care! Y'all can even bring your dawg inta the room and let him watch. Ah don't make no never mind about that! But till the day Ah die Ah will never do it with the devil or some such thang that even resembles the evil one... Ah've got my soul to think about, ya know? Ah mean, if Ah were to bang Satan and God saw that shit, then Ah might go to hell after Ah die. And Ah pretty much know for a fact that Ah've already done most of the poor souls done there. Ah need to get myself to Heaven so's that I can continue to fulfill my mama's dream of raw fuckin' every blue-grass sumabitch ever born. Yeeeeee HAW!