 The Not so Strong,
but VERY Bad ROSSMAN
1986 was
the year that the greatest movie of all time was released.
It was the year that I first met evil face to face (well,
face to face across a movie screen at least) and actually
trembled in a giddy sort of way.
It was, and forever shall be known as, the year of UNICRON....
And for you slow ones out there, yes, Transformers
the Movie is the most stupendulous
movie ever made.
See, I
was a total die-hard Transformers fan. I mean, fucking big
time. I had all the TV episodes taped, and over 50 of the
changeling robots themselves. I actually even collected the
crappy comic book that tried to be more violent and thought
provoking than the TV show but just ended up being crappy.
I had it all... Except for one thing that I pined for for
over 17 years: The monster planet UNICRON.
Unicron,
for the uninformed, was the big bad of the first and only
theatrical Transformers adventure. He was a giant planet
with rings
and two claws
positioned in front of a great big maw that he used to grab
and eat other planets with. I mean, fuck! He also
had the power to transform into a colossal devil-like robot
complete
with
horns, wings, and the cool as shit voice of Orson Welles
(the Academy Award Winner's final role, FYI). Screw the Death
Star! Even with Darth Vader and Grand Moff Tarkin in it that
thing still only took down one planet during its  lifetime.
Unicron had been munching planets and moons for millions
of years before Transformers - The Movie even began. Unicron
IS the
darkside!
Anyway,
as I said before, I had waited 17 years for the powers that
be to actually get off their butts and make a Unicron toy.
There were plans in the past to do so, but the production
sketches and prototypes blew ass. They were fucking horrible!
The designers spent all their time trying to make the Unicron
toy's planet-mode look good, and they completely neglected
the uber-schway robot-devil mode. I thank God that they never
got any of those old attempts mass produced, as it would
have completely ruined the memory of the greatest villain
ever painted (yes, even greater than Megatron... Hell, Uni
made Megatron his bitch fer Christ's sake!).
But then,
almost 2 decades after I first caught a glimpse of the metallic
robo-baddie, I finally got what I had been dreaming of for
like 2/3rds of my life: The Be All, End All UNICRON TOY...
And he is a right old bastard.
I went out and bought myself a Unicron, and as
soon as I got the 16 inch jumbo-planet-robot into my house
he
started giving me lip (mostly about my "highly
dubious" attempts
at house cleaning). He busted out of his box when I left him
alone for a few minutes while I tried to find the Dustbuster
to put the little fucker to work with, and ran straight to
my DVD collection. He stepped on and defecated
on all
of my G.I. Joe discs (it was some sort of motor oil I think),
and then he karate chopped a good portion of my anime stuff
before
I could stop the robodick. I picked him up  and
was just about to spank him when he turned his head around
(a la Linda Blaire)
and spoke in that awesomely cool voice, "Before
my punishment, mortal, I think I should get a final request...
I demand
to witness the dismemberment of Transformers - The
Movie in all its digital glory!" I
told him that my point was to make
him call me 'master', and he told me, "The
point is you are a fool!"... Which made
perfect sense when accompanied by his evil, flashing eyes.
We sat
down and watched the greatest movie ever made and all the
while Uni kept making comments about how "That scene
had to be shot fifteen times because Hot Rod couldn't act
his
way out of an energy cube convincingly",
and how "The Galvatron in
that scene is really just a sculpted piece of chocolate",
which was the only way they'd get Uni to actually eat him...
and so on and so forth. Some of his facts were interesting,
but it really got annoying whenever he'd just blurt out "Bah!" or "You
suck!" whenever an Autobot did something
cool. Things got really ugly when he kept making me rewind
the whole "opening
of the Matrix" segment claiming some shit like "That
is complete cyber-shit!! See, that is the only part of the
script that
I did not agree to! They said that the originally filmed
ending where I devour their planet and then meet up with
Golobulous
and take over the  universe
was the way they were going to go! I mean seriously... Look
at that! It's just a glowing
hunk of robot memories!!! How the hell is that supposed to
blow me up?!?! Fuck that chink director!! I did Citizen
Kane for God's sake!!!" I
tried to step on him but he transformed and took a big chunk
out of my arm, so I just let him go. I figured that there
weren't any planets around my house for him to eat, so he
was bound to power-down sooner or later... And when he did,
my microwave was going to find out what a robot-god tasted
like.
As Unicron
was rampaging through my house, destroying beloved childhood
toys and looking up robo-porn on the internet, I took the
time to see just how well made the little bastard actually
was. I found myself quite impressed with his construction.
He was super sturdy in robot mode and stood up to several
almost pissed off transformations without breaking or getting
thrown through the closest window. His planet mode (which
thankfully was only second on the minds
of his
creators)
was surprisingly well done! He's got the full orbital rings
going on, the spikes, the claws (that actually pinch) and
the mouth (that actually chews). But of course,
I love
his
robo-devil
form
more. LOVE it! I would probably make sweet sweet love to
it if some sort of appliance like that was included in the
final specs. The "robot" Unicron looks almost exactly
like he did in his feature
film debut. He's got the wings, the clawed feet, fully articulated
hands (that can grab testicles and yank real hard when he's
in a foul mood), and glowing eyes. His eyes fucking glow! How goddamn sweet is that?!?!
 Now,
I don't watch the new Transformers: Crapmada show
that this Unicron toy is really made for (it's Pokemon with
gay robots... And they don't even use the original Prime's
and Megatron's
voices!! Assholes!), so I don't know how Uni fits into that
storyline or if he's even as cruel and heartless as he is
in the original Transformers universe... And I will hopefully
never find out. See, Transformers: Armada completely
pussified the ultimate good
guy, Optimus Prime, and the penultimate bad guy, Megatron.
I am terrified of what it will do with Unicron. Granted,
with a TV show's schedule they could really stretch out the
whole Unicron storyline for the better and totally bulk up
his history and such, but if he's just a giant ringed pussy
planet... well, I.. I just
don't
want
to find out. I can see those retard producers and writers
saying, "That's no good, Brucie... We need to reach
the gay demographic more. Give ol' Uni a lisp and make him
wear a
flight attendant's outfit. Woo Wooooo! All aboard!" I
swear to Allah that I would hunt them all down and gut them
like trout.
But
back to the problem at hand. Running low on energon, Unicron
(the
houseguest) started to wind down. I finally
caught him after he had violated my Gunbuster figurine and
wrote "Unicron Rulz! The Rossman
sucks stools... You know, like
'feces'" on my bedroom
ceiling a couple of hundred times. Fucker. Anyway, his batteries
got low and I nabbed him. I then stuffed
the little prick back into his box in order to let him sit
on my shelf and become valuable some day in the distant future
when some snobby rich kid who had mommy and daddy
buy him a Unicron because he didn't push the butler
down the stairs that week grows up and wants another Unicron
in
mint condition to replace his that he blew up with
an M80 two hours after he opened the box because he got
bored with not being able to shove Jeeves down the stairs.
Man, I hope my Unicron eats little William Theodore Covington
III's liver with some fava beans..
What
did I think of the omni-appetiteful devourer of solar systems
and souls? I find that I have to give the MOVIE
UNICRON an 'A+' for being cooler than any villain before and
after (with maybe the exception of the Joker in Batman
- Mask of the Phantasm), and I give the
TOY UNICRON a solid 'A' for being really cut-ass rugged
with only a slight problem with his planet mode. Still
he's actually
even niftier than the original magnum Megatron. Don't believe
me? Well, you fuck pigs, but I don't lie about these things.
I never fib about matters of G.I. Joe or Transformers.
|
The DEVIL's Due Herself
Now here's
a guy that I can really sink my fangs into! Unicron, the
destroyer of whole planets! I mean, I've tried, but I can
only manage to fuck up a few living souls at any one time...
But to be able to just munch on an entire population before
the
opening credits... Wow! There's a real go getter!
I had
been following Unicron's career ever since he deleted Percicon
VI a few decades ago, and I must give the mighty horned one
some heavy props. He had a game plan, and he knew what he
had to do in order to reach his goals. His only real problem
was that he approached it all wrong.
Okay,
let's take a look at the way things played out. Good old
Uni knew that the Autobot Matrix of Leadership was the only
thing next to a giant plate of bad oysters that could cause
him harm. So he set his sights on eliminating it. All good
so far. In order to take the Matrix out without getting
near it and putting his own ass on the line he recruits Megatron
to do his dirty work for him.... Okay, mistake number one
right there. Unicron is supposed to be somewhat omnipotent.
He can see things from great distances on his super- satellite
TV that he's got hooked up into his brain. So how come he
didn't see that it took Megatron several million years to
do any real damage to any one Autobot ever. Seriously!
It's not until 2005 (movie time) that Megatron actually gets
the
cojones enough to slaughter a few 'Bots. Until then he's
only really come close to doing just that on a couple of
occasions... This is Unicron's number one "cleaner"?
Urgh...
Anyway,
so Megatron's now under Uni's control. He goes after Ultra
Magnus, the new Matrix holder, and finally catches up to
him on Junkeon where he snags the glowy leadership doodad
for himself and makes a proclamation that now Unicron will
be his to command. Well, Uni gets pissed, sure,
but he should know
that he's got nothing to worry about. After all, only pure-of-heart
Autobots can open that Rubix from hell and Megatron's pretty
much screwball now. But, Uni loses his cool, transforms,
swallows Megatron and starts attacking Cybertron, which he's
got to know will bring the Autobots a calling. Now, that
may have been his plan, I don't know. That would
have been a good strategy you know. To have the Matrix inside
him and just
pick off the approaching Autobots one by one as they pathetically
attack him like ants against my Mercy B. But then Unicron
gets a bit sloppy with his aim and, D'oh!, let's the leaders
of the Autobot Party enter into his body where he just threw
the Matrix that can only be opened by one of them. Niiiiiice.
Long story
short, Uni does a great job of slaughtering the insects that
attack him from the outside, but instead of throwing Megatron
along with the Matrix into that vat of acid that Spike and
Bumblebee almost fell into, he allows that punk-ass-bitch
Hot
Rod to steal back the doohickey and open it up like a humongous
can of whoop-ass. End of Uni, end of story. *Sigh* Why
are my coolest minions always the dumbest?...
Well,
I'll give Unicron a thumbs up and a thumbs down. He was good and evil and killed a lot of innocents, but
he also
completely wussed out in the end and just bitched about
his "destiny" when the cookiee crumbled. Hmmm,
his toy is pretty neat though.
|
The Transformable T
TAMMI WITH
AN "I"
Whut in
the shit-tarnation was that?! The Rossman made me come on
over to check out some crazy doodad called a "Unicron" or
somesuch, without so much as tellin' me what the fuss was
all about.
 So's Ah
gets over to his place, and he says that he's holdin' behind
his back the coolest robo-device mankind has ever done made.
Now, Ah'm gettin' all excited thinkin' that he's done got
me an early birthday present consistin' of a fancy vibrator
or sumtin'... But then he just whips out a strange little
Satan-thing that tells me to "proceed
on my way to oblivion" or
the like, and then it just starts bitin' and humpin' me all
over. Normally
Ah'd be pretty turned on and maybe a bit more receptive,
but that damn thing looked just like the anti-Christ himself,
and let me tell y'all somethin', Tammi just don't swing that
way. You got me? Y'all can go pee-pee on me if ya want to,
I'm fine with that. Y'all can hang me upside down and get
some gang bang action happenin' for all Ah care! Y'all can
even bring your dawg inta the room and let him watch. Ah
don't make no never mind about that! But till the day Ah
die Ah will never do it with the devil or some such thang
that even resembles the evil one... Ah've got my soul to
think about, ya know? Ah mean, if Ah were to bang Satan and
God saw that shit, then Ah might go to hell after Ah die.
And Ah pretty much know for a fact that Ah've already done
most of the poor souls done there. Ah need to get myself
to Heaven so's that I can continue to fulfill my mama's dream
of raw fuckin' every blue-grass sumabitch ever born. Yeeeeee
HAW!
This
here's a thumbs down from me. Ya got that?
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