 The Amazing ROSSMAN
Spider-Man.
The Webslinger. The Wallcrawler. Puny Parker. Spider-Man. Stan
Lee may have been on something there, though I'd still like
to see what would have happened if he went for Dung Beetle-Man
like he first envisioned.
Spider-Man
is about power and responsibility. And ironically enough it's
not about a man at all. It should really be called "Spider-Boy".
As if you didn't know, Peter Parker is a lame loser who lives
in Queens and gets picked on daily by the jocks in his too
clean
to be realistic NY high school. Then he gets bitten by a spider
and things change. This is where I talk about the changes,
not
only in Peter himself, but in the original story of the man
spider and his many comic book and movie retellings.
It all started
out simply enough in the early sixties with an AMAZING FANTASY-like
tale about a nerdy student who got bitten by a radioactive spider.
This boy then gets some super duper powers like the ability
to make gay costumes, the mastery of sticky string, and cosmic
knowledge of the ins and outs of talking like a complete loser.
Actually, everybody in the early issues of Spider-Man talked
as if they were completely out of touch with not only real
teenagers of the day, but the planet Earth in general.
Stan Lee may have had some sweet ideas for his time, but he
could not write for any character other than 60 year old men
with bad haircuts and Hitler mustaches. Overuse of the words "groovy", "cat" (in reference to people),
and "groovy lesbian fish eating cats" completely
date the original webcrawler and still make people today ponder
if
teenagers in 1962 really did all have sticks up their asses
and speak as if they were reading bad bad cue cards written
by Rip Taylor on a stoner-boner trip. My parents refuse to
tell
me the truth.
Now, flash
forward almost forty years. The original Spider-Man had aged
only about 10 years, had gotten married, cloned (20 times too
many), a new alien costume and some cool and some lame new super
villains. For the most part though Peter Parker had begun to
blow. The Gwen Stacy incident and the creation of Venom are
the only cool parts that I can think of right now. That's only
2 plot points in over 40 years! that just ain't right. Anyway,
somebody at Marvel Comics thought the same thing, but at least
he had the ability to do something about it. He (whoever he
truly is... I'm too lazy to look it up) decided to have the
spandex-wonder rebirthed. Thus, Ultimate Spider-Man was
created. And there was much celebration.
US-M
started from scratch on the origin of the web designer. It's
the 2000s and Piss Ant Parker is bitten by a spider that's been
lab tested on by Osborn Inc. (the company owned by Peter's sort
of friend's dad, Norman Osborn). This is what makes this series
so much better than the original. The 60s comic book takes about
3 pages to chronicle Peter Parker's loser-ness and quick rise
to web god. And all of his enemies are random encounters with
nuts in even gayer suits. Where as the new millennium Spider
story takes its time in setting everything up and totally revolves
around that fateful arachnid bite. Because of that bite Norman
Osborn turns himself into the Green Goblin. Because of the Green
Goblin the crazed Doc Ock is fused with some mechanical arms.
And because of Peter's callousness after getting the shaft in
the wrestling ring his Uncle Ben gets a cap up his ass and the
Spider is soon introduced to the Kingpin. Everything spirals
out from there. Plus lots of people know who Spider-Man is from
the very beginning. All in all US-M is off to a much
better start than the original Amazing Spider-Man. And
I'm especially glad that the overrated Fantastic Four don't
pop up in every other issue.
Finally,
on to the year 2002. We meet up with the rugged deliverer of
the Evil Dead, Sam Raimi, and his crew of Tobey, Willem,
and Kirsten. Their gift to the world of superhero cinema is
in the form of Spider-Man the Motion Picture! We get
one more brandtastic origin story (genetically enhanced
spider bites Peter, Uncle Ben dies in a carjacking, Mary
Jane is Peter's next door neighbor [which is perfect
for some almost scary voyeristic moments], and the Green Goblin
looks like a Power Rangers' reject who should be stomping
through mini-skyscrapers instead of launching pumpkin bombs
and missiles) with this 2 hour spectucular too. While the movie
is not my favorite Spidey yarn, it is one of my fave comic book
films of all time. Actually, that one scene with a wet Mary
Jane jumping up and down in the cold cold rain puts it slightly
above the X-Men into the top spot. Good stuff. Go see
(though judging by its box office take you already have. Four
times).
So, what
did I think of the many incarnations of Spider-Man? The
original Amazing Spider-Man comic gets a 3 out of 7.56 spider
bites of radioactivity, while Ultimate Spider-Man receives
7.23 bites. Spider-Man the movie earns 6.93 bites for
the aforementioned rain nipple, er, dance and for having Bruce
Campbell kick ass with Randy Savage in the wrestling ring.
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The Incredible DOCTOR DAVE
Back in my
day, comic books were strange and kooky. The first Human Torch
was an advanced cyborg bent on being the biggest flamer in
the
world. Superman was a freaky alien who could only "jump" over
buildings and was greatly harmed by a glowing green rock. And
let's not forget the Batman. The orphaned son of rich industrialists
who put on panyhose and big ears to fight a clown and a bird
man all around a gothic city. Classics, all of them.
Then the
big gay 60s rolled around and the hippies of the day apparently
needed some new heroes. I guess the bat and his boy lover
weren't
gay enough for those long-haired peace freaks, as the homo-erotic
Spider-man was given a book deal. People were all like, "He
swings, baby!" and "Those tights are giving me a penis
wedgie, baby!" It was all very disturbing. Though to be
fair, it was Peter Parker himself that got me into the sciences
in the first place. It all started out back when I wanted to
dissect the fruitcake to see what made the radioactive bug-boy
tick. I still think he's chock full of insects and stuff just
like the Oogie Boogie Man in the Nightmare Before Christmas.
Now that Spider-Man is real (in the form of Tobey Maguire),
I just might have my chance to cut the monstrosity open like
a fish and attach some electrodes to his testes for some much
anticipated experiments. MUCH anticipated.
Yes, I
admit it, the Spider-Man scares me. Deep down in my heart I
just know that Aunt May was right and that he is the Anti-Christ
out to kill JJJ's new age Hitler. Because of that (because of
what?) I feel that all Spider-Man stories (in comic book
or cinematic form) deserve a thumbs down.
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The Spectacular MEGAPLAYBOY
Ho-lee-sheet!
A man... with the powers of a spider?!?! What a fuckin' concept!....
about 70 years ago! Jee-zus, man, I mean what with all the hip-hoppin'
human genetic manipulation goin' on in the world today, you
just know we could make a REAL man spider that actually looked
cool too and didn't needs ta be dressin' up in all that blue
and red Dorothy-luvin' tights and shit. My man spider would
look like a 7 foot tall tarantula with 16 arms (with genetic
manipulation this be easily possible for evil Dr. Moreaus and
their midget helpers). Big hairy fangs the size of 2 liter soda
bottles would be hyper-rugged in biting off the heads of flying
Nazi goblins and all too. Webs? My man spider be shootin' out
webs from his fuckin' ASS. Webs from the wrist is all shat up.
The MegaPlayboy man spider is the kind of bad ass muthafucka
that sees a pussy-like vulture man and chews him up like Big
League Chew! Then he stomps that crap-jockey Venom flatter than
Mariah Carey's singin' voice. THEN he reaches out of the damn
mofo comic and bitch slaps you till you don't know anymore!
Take that, you web slingin', back door ringin' Parker!
And sit on it!
Spider-Man
is the world's biggest web fairy. If I saw his pathetic (yet
firm) ass climbing a building near me I'd hit him up with some
industrial RAID spray. I give all versions of the S-M
a Winger Salute of Fagginess!
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