 The Subleasing ROSSMAN
It all started
back when I thought I'd help out some good friends of mine who
were moving to Europe for a little while. The Bannisters had
a problem. They didn't want to sell their quaint little house
in the burbs, and they knew that they couldn't take it with
them. So I volunteered to house-sit for them while they got
their jollies off in lots of exotic locations like Latvia and
Luxembourge (SP?... eh, who gives a shit).
But as soon
as that was settled I came upon a problem of my own: What to
do with my apartment? It may not be the greatest abode
on the planet, but it serves its purpose as shelter from most
of the elements. And unfortunately I got stuck with a 12 month
lease that I couldn't get out of no matter how many times I
tried to blow up the main office to erase my records. So, long
story shortened somewhat, I decided to try and sublease the
shithole.
The purpose
of the design of the flyer that I came up with is two fold.
Firstly, it's supposed to make people want to call me up and
sublease the place from me. Secondly, it's also supposed to
make hot college coeds want to take off their clothes and dance
seductively on my lap for free. So far neither intention has
been met.
I started
off with a cartoon image of myself that was stuck in great
surprise. I couldn't think of a reason for me to be surprised
by anything
at the time, but it was just artistic inspiration, so I went
with it. Then I thought, "You know, I think that a talking
dog would be pretty damn funny if he was giving the surprised
me some sort of advice," because that's how I get most
of my counsel in real life. I thought that it was humorous
how
life imitates art and vice versa sometimes. Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.
Yep.
But then
I was stuck. Although it was a good Surprised Rossman and Talking
Dog, they didn't really tell the reader anything about subletting
my apartment, which was the whole point of this artistic endeavor.
So I looked for inspiration by running over bikers who ride
their bikes at 2 miles per hour in the middle of the road. After
I backed up on them a few times I would ask them what they'd
like to see in a flyer that tried to get a person to sublease
another person's apartment. Most admitted that free gay male
prostitutes would do it for them, but since I didn't know of
any, I opted for a month's worth of free rent (actually, just
half a month of free rent, and I'd try my best to stick them
with the previous month's bills too because I'm a cheaper whore
than Kristin Strader from high school was).
Then I just
put in a bunch of text that basically lied about how nice my
apartment is and what a great deal the subleasee would be getting.
All lies. All very horrible and damning lies.
So far nobody
has called about the room. It can't possibly be the flyer's
fault though. Everybody else on campus must be a total dickhead.
I will punish them all.
What did
I think of My Sublease Flyer? After taking a step
back and looking at it with fresh eyes I can see that it is
glorious! It speaks to me in ways that I never would have thought
a 2 minute piece of art could. I give it a full 8 out
of 8 Rossman Stars of Patriotism. It has everything one could hope for
in a poster pimping a disposable apartment dwelling. Action,
free things, wonderful use of magic marker, and a talking dog.
A fucking talking dog!! Holy shit, why doesn't anybody rent
my goddamn apartment?!?!?!
|
The Subtle CHI-CHI
The first
time I saw the Rossman's apartment I shit my pants. Just so
you understand, I'm not talking all metaphysically and all,
I really did shit my pants. It's an involuntary human reaction
to pure fear. If forced to see it again I can almost guarantee
you that I would still need a clean pair of BVDs after the experience.
Not only
does his whole place smell like old cheese and moldy yeast
(and thanks to Kuni, urine), but it's a horrible sight too.
That
one time that Kandishi, the Indian exchange student, crashed
at the Rossman's place after "Keg Stand Night" at
The Transmetropolitan and suddenly woke up only to believe that
he had somehow fallen into the Christian embodiment of HELL
was a night I'll never forget. He awoke in the middle of the
night screaming like a Hindu pussy after a pile of empty cans
and bottles fell on him and almost smothered him. Then he got
tangled up in that moist/moldy blanket that the Rossman never
washes (and makes all his guests use) and he started yelling
that he didn't "want to go back inside the womb" or
sumtin'. After the Rossman cut him free and shone a flashlight
in his own face Kandishi ran for the door in a state of total
panic only to trip over a moist (thinking about it, most of
the things in the Rossman's place can be described as "moist")
box of used Playboys, and fell head first though the picture-window
and three stories to his doom.
Of course
we told the cops that he was part of the Al-Sharona terrorist
network and was looking for American pornography to send back
to his bad guy friends in Iraq, so instead of going to jail
we got a parade. God bless America!!
The
Rossman's Sublease Flyer should burn in a fiery volcano
for lying like a cheap whore on a cheap rug. I give
it a massive thumbs down and hope that there is no connection
to me and that 12 pack of PBR that I left next to his hot water
heater ever to be found.
Oh yeah, and the Bannisters never "moved to Europe"
as the Rossman puts it. From what I hear they testified against
him in court this one time a few months ago, but their testimonies
were thrown out when it was revealed that Mrs. Bannister had
a steamy affair with the Rossman that lasted 12 minutes last
October. They then started their own "relocation program" and
hit the road without leaving a trace of their former lives
behind for the Rossman or Robot Pedro to follow. That's when
the Rossman and his big gay robot started squatting in their
old house.... Goddammit! Why can't I ever be that lucky!
|
The Subhuman KUNI
Kuni sees
the many lies said by the Rossman in the apartment paper at
the bus stop. All of it is the evil! Kuni is forced to burning
the papers after many peoples are trying to be reading the lies!
That is evil, fuck.
Is the Rossman
said the parts about Kuni starting the fires in the Rossman
apartment? No! How about many times of the vomit in the rugs?
Kuni went vomiting in Rossman rugs around one or two times a
week when it is chosen. Kuni said that the vomit on the sofa
was from the robot, but I will tell you now that lies are true
sometimes with Kuni also.
Also, Kuni
has to ask you to guess of the many dead animals that hide in
the closets? You may say your guess on the number of the bugs
that eat the animals in the Rossman closet for me too. Is there
blood in the closet animals? NO! The blood in the closets is
not there! They are mummies! The evil closet mummies are being
told to be killing the Rossman when it is after 2AM. Soon.
Kuni says, "Hey Rossman bitch fucker! Why is your apartment paper
lies?" The Rossman says, "Kuni eats cocks of the male
horse in bed." The Rossman lies again!!! Kuni only is eats
the female horse cocks. Never mens! Do you want more lying?
Read the Rossman apartment paper. "Nice place to be living" is
all lying. When the Rossman is dead, then no more lying.
How
much badness in the Rossman world is this paper? Kuni
says minus 5 Kunis. That is more evil than Hitler baby with gay
Al Gore. That is EVIL baby. Apartment lies is WORSE!!!
|
