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The Polka Wizard ROSSMAN

It all started out innocently enough: I went to see the first Harry Potter movie back in 2001 to shut Karen the hell up. THEN she made me read the first four books that were already released at the time in order to make some third world, dying kid's last wish (with his ass still intact) come true. That failed, but I had become hooked on Harry (though really on Hermiotty and Ginny... Oh, man, imagine those two in a witchy gang-bang!... When they come of age, of course [which is actually only 17 in the wizarding world... which is awesome]).

Where was I? I'm only on the second paragraph of this review, and I'm already lost. Anyway, I didn't find myself totally into these books for the same reason as most kids (i.e. all those uber-fans who waited with bated breath, hoping Harry'd conquer Voldermort and save the world, and then nail [my] Ginny in the epilogue). No, I kept reading, hoping to find that Harry and his gang of ruffians would be punished for all the shit they poured over everyone else's pancakes and eggs. To all those who claim that Draco was the worst dickweed to ever come out of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, read the books again. It's all about Harry pissing all over the rest of the world's parade, and laughing as everybody else hits the slab.

BOOK V: The Order of the Phoenix

Picking up right after Book IV: The Goblet of Fire, TOotP starts off with Harry being a prat and biting the heads off of all of his supposed friends and benefactors, and all this after they go through tons of trouble to "rescue him" from his aunt and uncle (who generously raised him for the past 14 years of his ungrateful little life). True, the Ministry of Magic is being assoholic about not believing Harry that Voldemort is back, and they try to kick the chair out from under him on many an occasion (by taking him to trial and by siccing Dolores Umbridge on his ass at Hogwarts), but he truly deserves all that shit. It was good to finally see Harry get some well deserved ass-whooping in this installment... But Harry proves to be an asshole among assholes by book's end, and in his arrogance and retardability his godfather, Sirius Black, ends up Phantom Zoned into oblivion.

Oh sure, we get to meet airy Luna Lovegood in this installment, but man oh man was I hoping that she turned out to be Voldemort's personal assassin or something, and was able to stop Potter before he killed more innocents himself. No such luck, because two years later (our time) came...

BOOK VI: The Half-Blood Prince

After his temper-tantrum year at Hogwarts in Book V, Harry's kind of cooled off a bit; but he still expects everything to go his way because he's a "special boy," and he even cheats his way through his Potions classes with a book that was once owned by the titular character. Harry pisses off his friends many times more throughout this book, kisses the new professor's (Slughorn's) big, fat, fat ass like nobody's business, and forces weak and feeble Dumbledore to walk down his painful memory lane in order to learn more about the great Lord Voldemort.

By the end of this book Harry also physically makes decrepit Dumbledore drink the draught of the living dead in order to retrieve a locket that had already been stolen. Then he leads Dumbledore back to Hogwarts where Snape (the tragic, true hero of the entire series) is forced to kill the helpless, defenseless Dumbledore because it turned out that Draco Malfoy was a bigger pussy than even Harry.

So far it was all just other people suffering for Harry's sake! The final book HAD to bring some punishment on the prick before the final goodbye. It just HAD to!

BOOK VII: The Deathly Hallows

Well, things start out fairly shitty for Harry, but of course the body count of Harry's protectors starts to skyrocket before too long, while the Boy Who Lived lives again. Soon though, Harry, Ron and Herfelitus are on the run from Voldy's army (that took over the Ministry of Magic), and playing "camp out" for like 9 goddamn boring months. Yeah, there were a couple of scenes of Mission Impossible-styled breaking and entering popping up every once in a great while, but overall it was like reading about the Lewis and Clark expedition wherein every goddamn waking hour was recorded:

Day 45: 9:45AM
I am eating some berries, and Clark is washing himself in the stream.

Day 45: 9:49AM
I ate my fill of the tasty berries and thought I'd wander over to see if Clark needed some help, either taking off or putting back on his pants. Maybe he needs me to help towel him off?

Day 45: 10:06AM
Clark and I just raped an Indian warrior, then we made him watch us make sweet, sweet love to each other.

Day 45: 10:15AM
I just found out what a "rimjob" is. Fascinating!

And on and on. Except Harry's trip wasn't nearly as exciting as the L&C trek.

Then things get a bit more fairly interesting when Harry's inconsideration for others gets a few more chumps killed, all leading up to the grand battle in which — what did JK write — FIFTY people defending Harry bite the big bludger and jump through the veil like Sirius. Then the showdown. Then the inevitable epilogue that looks like it was written by a 13 year-old girl who throws out 15 to 20 shipper fanfics a week. Really, JK? THIS is the finale to 7 books and 17 years of your life?

Well there you go, it seems that even though HARRY has a metric ass-ton of people dying because of him he somehow deserves the happy ending. Voldemort doesn't even get a happy ending from his Swedish masseuse.

What did I think of Books V, VI, and VII of the Harry Potter world? In the end I find that I must give them a 24.8702 out of 26.2081 Points of Literary Dyslexia. Good, bad, ugly, it was all pretty good.


KIFF & JAIME

JAIME:
Okay, after a few years I revisited Hogwarts and Harry and Ron and Hermione, and I have to admit, I can see why everybody's all excited about the whole thing now. I just finished the last book about 2 hours ago and cried for a little while. Cried for Harry, all of his friends, and all those who didn't make it to the last page.

So sad, but so fulfilling. I take back anything negative I've said about it. Long live Harry!

Two thumbs up!

KIFF:
Inferiiiiiiiiiiii..... Iiiiinfeeeeeeeriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...... Inferiiiiiiiiiiiiii....

Braaaaaaaaaaaains....


The Muggle MEGAPLAYBOY

Oh, I be down with the Pott-boy. Yeeeeah, G! Harry's one bad motha in my book. Brotha's gone through Hell and back, and he he still pulls through, like some dude caught robbing a bank with no hostages, yet the fucker STILL gets out of there and then spends his bling like an Arab in a tacky gold-chain store! Word.

Only prob I's had with the whole thing is that ending. What is the fa-shizzle, JKR? Why you gots to be all shitty and crappy with the last few pages of your last Potter book eva'? No punishment for the Umbridge, nothing said about the Lovegood, no knowledge of the Potters' lives... And knowledge is power. For real.

Seriously, girl, you's been braggin' that you had the motha' fuckin' epilogue complete for years now, and THAT was it? How about addin' that George now runs the magical joke shop with his sis, Ginny? How about telling us what happened to centaur rights and shit now that Shacklebolt's the new Minister, bitch? Huh? Something! Give us fulfillment, whore! Like at the end of Tolkien's perfect trilogy: We find out what the hell the survivors were up to for years after the events in Mordor. Give us a cookie, JKR! What you wrote jus' felt all gooey hokie. Please no, cracka'! Don't treat us like that.

Great books, G, just a lousy ending.