 The Uncelebrity ROSSMAN
I was horrified when I first saw this video.
I was totally disgusted... What the hell were Paris Hilton
and her boytoy-of-the-moment thinking?!?! Not only was the
quality of the tape just horrendous, but Paris herself could
have been replaced with a dead large-mouth bass and the action
would have had more life to it! Seriously! I hope her daddy's
fortune holds up, cause Ms. Hilton has no future in the porn
industry at all.
Let me backtrack a bit here for you readers out
of the celebrity loop. Paris Hilton (daughter of mega rich
Mr. Hilton of Hilton Hotels) and Richard Salomon (now the husband
of Shannen Doherty [that lucky wench]) made a sex video of
themselves three years ago, and now it mysteriously popped
up on the net and in porn stores across the States virtually
overnight. Now Paris is pissed that her ex-plaything would
do this to
her, and Salomon is suing the Hiltons for painting him as
a "rapist" and molester for the way he treats their precious
shnookems in the movie... And I use the term "movie" very loosely
as the acting and action is just ghastly. If you want to see
it for yourself, just get the flick off of the thousands of
live Kazaa seeds going on now. If your office has great porn
blockers,
well you ain't missing much, and you can just stay here while
I review the celebrity turd of a romp for your reading pleasure.
First of all, the whole thing is like a half
an hour long and it was apparently filmed by US Army Rangers
with nightvision goggles. Everything is black and green, and
once you see Paris' nekkid bod you're kinda glad you can't
see much detail. Not that she's obese or anorexic or anything
gross, but she's flat, she's got no ass whatsoever
(her rump kinda concaves a bit... It's really disturbing) and
her hair is just a mess. Seriously, you'd think that she'd
have gone to the stylist or something before appearing on film...
Especially when she knew (oh yeah, she knew) that it would
go public someday (how do you not know when you plan to leave
the only copy of it with the guy who you'll eventually dump
and treat like yesterday's
dog droppings on the world's media stage). The frolicking
couple seems to be watching TV (I could hear a laughtrack in
the background, but honestly that just could have been coming
from Salomon himself when he realized what a joke his date
was in the sack), and Paris actually stops at one point to
answer her ringing cell phone. She literally pushes her man
off of her so that she can pick up the call... I don't give
a shit if you're expecting a call from Daddy Warbucks or Santa
Claus himself, you turn off the goddamn phone, bizatch! God!
That's more annoying
than crying babies in the movie theater.
Anyway, during the whole thing Paris is easily
distracted (like a retarded kitten who's attention is constantly
stolen by the closest
shiny
object
or dangling piece of string), but that's okay cause she has
no idea what she's doing with a naked man on top of her or
behind her anyway. I'm telling you, she fucking moves like
a mime walking in the
wind
who keeps forgetting which direction the heavy breeze is coming
from. Salomon will set her up in a good position and begin
to physically start making
the loving, but then Hilton tries to turn their bodies into
a pose that two connected humans should never ever attempt.
I'm surprised
that
neither
of them are not permanently physically or mentally hurt after
some of her bad calls in bed. She moans at all the wrong times
(Salomon stopped or actually retracted several times and she
kept on moaning in a terrible Marilyn Monroe deep-voiced impression,
"Oh YES, baby. That is how one should be pleasing me like a
stallion"), and she can't even look sexy or wanting to either
her lover or to the camera. It's obvious she wasn't a virgin
when she filmed this thing (she's not shy or ashamed in the
least and she actually says "Hi" and giggles to the camera
throughout the tape), but she acts like a mongoloid schoolgirl
who is being taught about the birds and the bees for the first
time but can't grasp the situation firmly or understand why
that guy's
peepee
stick is trying to poke her.
I will give Ms. Hilton props for giving decent
head. Not the "best" head, but it looked like good head. But
come on, seriously, what chick gives bad head? Unless
she fucking bites down or stabs you with the wrong end of a
tongue piercing, any head is pretty good head.
One thing I'm confused about this whole fiasco
is why it's a such big deal? I mean, Paris Hilton is not an
actress (as is painfully evident in the video), she's not particularly
pretty, and the only reason for her to be famous is because
her dad is super rich (he could probably shut down my site
and my life in less time than it takes to watch his daughter's
crappy sex tape). And her ex-lover is not anyone
popular either (his biggest claim to fame is marrying that
abortion
of a television
star, lop-sided-eye Doherty). So who really gives a damn if
they filmed eachother boppin' bodies in the dark on film? Man,
give me Pam and Tommy Lee any day! They had it goin' on! Their
tape was art!! Pam had/has a nice body (firm and round butt,
big ole titties), and Tommy... Well, if you haven't seen it
you
wouldn't believe my compliments to the man. But the thing about
Pam and Tom was that they knew beyond any doubts what they
were doing together, and nobody got confused (except maybe
the viewer)
while they were doing it. If you ever need a "how to" movie
on pleasing a woman (or if you're a chick, pleasing a man),
watch the Tommy Lee Vs. Pamela show. It's 1000Xs better than
something some moronic rich heiress could ever put together.
What did
I think of Paris Hilton's video? It was boring, almost painful
and horribly filmed. I give it Two Terrible Rossman
Thumbs Down. If
you need porno this evening, do yourself a favor and just rent
Where the Boys Aren't Volumes 4-16. You'll thank me for it.
|
The Tapin' MEGAPLAYBOY
Oh man! This video should mainly be used for
de-bonering a man! This shit ain't right... Yo, fool, I've
seen people in the middle of seizures with more rhythm in the
sack than these two sorry wankers. Sunovabizatch! Now I's gots
ta go and watch some hard core freak-on with Terra Patrick
to make up for this sheet.
Just let it be known that the Megaplayboy
has warned yo sorry ass. Don't be checkin' this video out!
You'll have a worse muthafuckin' experience watchin' it than
those peeps in that Ring movie did watchin they's tape. The
Megaplayboy gives this sucka a thumbs down!
|
The Vampish WOLFMAN
The Wolfman produces asexual-like. The Wolfman
don't give no damn nevermind about no Paris hotel sex tape.
Piss off. She looks like a man in drag anyway.
The Wolfman will save some urine from
markin' his territory to take a whiz on this unoriginal piece
of celebrity stinkpie.
|
