 The Movieliscious ROSSMANMy first real job was as a "range dog" at
the local country club (the guy in the fenced-in golf cart
who
drives up and down the driving range picking up all the golf
balls). That lasted from spring through the summer my freshman
year in high school. My next job was at Little Caesar's pizzeria.
That was a great position that lasted March through August
of my junior year of high school. My third job was with Blockbuster
Video. My brother (an assistant manager at the time) got me
in and I worked with BBV from June of my junior year of high
school all the way to 4 months after I graduated college. That's
5 frickin' years behind the counter wearing khakis and blue
shirts. 5 years of eating my fill of candy and playing my fill
of video games day in and day out. It's these 5 years that
I plan to review and rate for your pleasure and my reminiscing.
Blockbuster Video was one of the best places
to work for a high school kid. There are no deep vat friers
spewing mists of grease into the air; the place is air conditioned,
you get free movies each week (well, for the first year we
only got 1/2 off all rentals); and all your classmates come
in all the time to rent, so you always get to hang out with
them even on work nights. Of course, there were some down sides,
but they were far and few between. Honestly, I really can't
even think of any horrible parts of the job right now. Some
people might complain about the rude customers, but I thrived
on them! I fucking loved to either play stupid and watch the
bitchy ones foam at the mouth as they tried to talk their way
out of late fees, or act smart and watch the bitchy ones foam
at the mouth as they tried to talk their way out of late fees!
And the ones who wanted refunds for whatever reason almost
always
provoked
me
into
a screaming
match which
I never lost. My God could I spit venom back in their faces
like a cobra with a mouth full of marbles! It was definitely
something to behold. It was a gift.
There was this one time that a normal looking
customer came up to my counter on the busiest night of the
year (Memorial Day) and about 10 flashing warnings popped up
on his account. They warned that the fucker refused to pay
$30 worth of late fees at another store and that he threatened
an employee's life when he was told to leave. It went on to
say (it was a looooong warning) that the police were called
in to have him removed from said store and that he now had
a restraining order on him to stay at least 50 feet away from
all BBV stores. With a line of 15 people behind the counter
I just smiled to the dickhead and informed him that there had
apparently been trouble with his account before and that the
gods were
not smiling on him today. "Sorry, buddy, but we're not
allowed to rent you anything. You've gotta go before we call
the cops."
That, coming from a 17 year-old punk kid set the douche bag
off like a motherfucker! Oh man, it was incredible. He started
yelling and throwing tapes around, he almost slapped me, and
I had to be held back by smelly Sherman (the one guy in the
store who never bathed) or I would have jumped the counter
and slugged the dickass.
Good times. Good times. We did call the cops
on him too. Wanker.
I can still remember all of my fun coworkers.
They were the real reason why I loved my job so much. Yeah,
I had heard lots of horror stories from other school chums
who worked as cashiers at the A&P, or as pizza delivery
drivers, but it wasn't like I thought my place of employment
was any
better than theirs... It was the quality of the coworkers.
Of course some of them were the biggest fucktards
this side of Michael Moore's moronic ass, but most were a pure
joy to
hang out with and play video games with while on the clock.
And then there was Shelley. Shelley was a cute girl in my Senior
Marketing class: In fact, she was the president of our little
school-run business venture. And she had a great pair of legs.
We'd "find" opened bags of M&Ms or SnoCaps and
practice shooting baskets with them in eachother's mouths for
hours on end. We'd
place fake warnings on customers' accounts to try and get the
other to crack up while they were checking the patron out (things
like "She has a penis!"
and "Customer said he would like to 'spank your ass pink
as a salmon'").
But alas, like most people smarter than me, Shelley quit BBV
in
order
to work
in
a more
glamorous
setting...
Typically
the movie theater, but sometimes the Putt Putt Palace. Man,
I missed scoping out her ass as she bent down to pick up the
movie I just happened to drop right in front of her. Shelley,
If you're out there, call me! I have a video camera now. *Groooooooooooowl!*
Other than the unlimited free candy and videogame
marathons that took place during rushes, the best part of my
job was that I never paid for a video game or movie purchase
the entire time I was employed by the great BBV thanks to the
power
of
lamination
and
knowledge
of the average retail store's
returns policies (I never stole from my own store... Jeezus!
What kind of an asshole did you take me for). Because I worked
retail, I knew what other stores allowed for
returns
or refunds.
Most
needed
the
product
to be in its original wrapping, especially if you wanted to
exchange say a crappy videogame for a less crappy one or
a bunch of
VHS
anime (looooong before the arrival of DVD mind you). That's
where the lamination machine at my Blockbuster came in handy.
I'd take my SNES Mortal Kombat 2 cartridge
that I spent a good portion of my salary on only to find out
that raping large
reptiles was more amusing, and then re-plastic wrap the whole
thing up. Then I'd take it over to the closest Best Buy or
Media Play and make a bee-line for
the returns desk with my once again brand new product. Most
of the employees there knew me by name after a few months.
I never
even needed
a receipt.
After
a
while I actually got a bit bolder and started returning all
of my old VHS library movies (that I'd never watch again) for
all the newest anime releases of the time (for things like
Akira,
Nuku
Nuku, and Vampire Princess Miyu).
If I spent anything more than $50 over the course of those
5 years for any kind of entertainment media
I'd be very surprised. Since leaving Blockbusters, I've tried
to return shit like Metroid Prime and the
crapfest known as Ninja
Resurrection DVD only to have to
lie my balls off to the clerks involved, or exchange the damn
thing
(in MP's case) at 4 separate stores
before I found a place that didn't have any more in stock so
that I could finally get something else! Jeesus! Blockbuster
had spoiled me like three month old milk. But without the chunks.
Before I rate my old job, I have to thank a bunch
of people who made my minimum wage experience such a fucktastic
blast. These people helped me come up with brand new ways to
annoy the customers, get free food with exchange programs set
up with the Chili's or Papa John's nearest us, or just goofed
around with me for hours on end when we were supposed to be
making room on the new release wall for the latest Pauly Shore
movie. God, how I miss all these fuckers:. Corey, Tim, Lynn,
Eric, Angie, Shelley (you fucking hottie you!), Anthony (aka
Mr. Goldtooth), Mark (the mackdaddy),
Christina, and finally Adam (who let me drive his dad's Porsche
that one day when his own car broke down, and he didn't feel
like going out to Wendy's for lunch). You guys kicked major
ass
(literally sometimes too, like when we caught shoplifters and
had to throw psychos out of the store).
What did
I think of my term of 5 years at the video store chain known
as Blockbuster Video?
I find that I have to give it 4.5 out of 5 Rossman
Stars of Hellaciousness. There were some great times had
there (including the time that car crashed into the front
windows, the time the cops came to arrest that guy with
the butterfly knife who tried to steal a Genesis game in
his shorts, and the time those two morons got into a fistfight
over what they thought was the last copy of Hook when
I really
had 3 more hiding behind the counter), but it get's a half
point off because there were times that I actually did
have to work....
I will never forget the good times though. NEVER!!
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The Blockbustin' CHI-CHIMan, the Rossman had it easy back in high school.
I had to work at the goddamn supermarket as a cashier. Those
bastard bagging technicians thought they ran the place. Then
came along our major competitor and they bought our store out.
Don't ask me how or why, I never took marketing or college.
Anyway, so when the new bosses came in they had
all of us re-interview to keep all of our old pathetic jobs.
Seriously, I had to have another interview to continue sliding
boxes over
a price scanner.
Most of the guys and gals ahead of me came out
of the back office disappointed saying that they could stay
on with the new guys, but they had to take a 15% pay cut. Of
course, there were those lucky few who were outright canned.
But then it was my turn. I was kind of pissed off by then,
so I marched right in there and answered all of their questions
fast and boldly and rudely. Then they asked me, "So, if we
were to keep you on, but cut your salary slightly, would you
stay on our staff?" I didn't even wait for the fucker to finish
the word "staff" before blurting out "Hell no! I'll walk."
That took the main interviewer by surprise (he may have even
pissed
his
pants
a little, I really didn't check), but the guy behind him smiled
and stepped forward. "You have spunk," or something like that,
he said. "How would you like a raise and promotion to head cashier?"
I jumped at the money, but as I was being shuffled out the
door I realized that with great power comes great responsibility...
and evil stares by all your new underlings once they found
out that you were the only one who was retarded enough to get
promoted
when you were trying to get fired. Christ I suck!
My high school job sucked. Blue whale.
But the Rossman's was okay. He got me free movies and candy.
I could only steal a six pack of Bud a night at my place
without raising suspicion. I give his Blockbuster job
a thumbs up.
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