ROSSMAN Khaaaaan!!!!
My car sucks.
Instead of waiting until the end of this spiel to rate it,
I'll do it right now. I find that
I must give the Exploder an "F-". Make that a "Z-". It is a very bad car. I wish it would roll over a puppy so
that I could
collect
the insurance money (there's always insurance money for occasions
such as that) and buy some kind of foreign car.
What sucks
about my car, you ask? Well, it has had 7 major recalls in
the past two years that I've owned it (that is not an exaggeration
either.... I mean, I could have said 18-20 to make it sound
funnier, but I really just wanted you to know what a piece
of
shit this thing is). And the recalls were for some pretty important
things too, not just "cup-holders that might not hold your
coffee" or "cigarette lighters that set things on
fire". One recall was for the hood latch which unfortunately
had a problem with staying "latched". Apparently around
5-7,000 people had problems with their hoods staying closed
while they were driving at 30+mph. The hood would open up to
allow the engine to see exactly what the driver was about to
crash into. Another recall was for my cruise control, which
even more people had problems turning off. I'm serious. A bunch
of Exploders were in big accidents because the cruise control
couldn't be switched off. Granted those people were idiots for
not applying the brakes in order to "stop" and thus
escape that dilema unscathed, but it still sucked that I had
to once more bring my car back into the shop. Oh yeah, there
was also a bit of a problem with tires on my type of SUV exploding
and killing people all over the world. That would have been
a kick to the crotch.
Now, I hear
you asking, "Rossman, so what. So you had to bring your
car into the garage for some recalls. That's no biggie."
I reply, "You asshole. You might have free time
oozing out of your ass, but I'm busy whoring around trying
to
find cheap PSXII games and used metal CDs all day, every day!
I don't have the time to fuck with this crap." Plus, when
you pay as much for an automobile as one tends to do, you kinda
expect it to not kill you when you turn the key or take a corner
above 2 miles per hour. Another thing that truly pisses me
off
about my car is that when these recalls were/are announced,
I can only bring my SUV into authorized (Car Company's Name
Deleted) Motors Dealerships to have it fixed. These "parts
and service shops" are only legally allowed to hire monkeys
on crack and retarded hobos to fix cars too. One time when
the ABS light was malfunctioning I brought my auto in to be
fixed at the place where I originally bought it. All they had
to do was replace a single wire. What they did instead was
cut
three wires that were doing fine and minding their own business,
and remove a chunk of paint off of my hood about the size of
a silver dollar. They claimed that the paint had just "fallen
off on its own" and the wires must have corroded "on
their own".... In under 2,000 miles... Due to a pair of
scissors. They have done more damage to my vehicle when I bring
it in for repairs then all of the recall malfunctions could
have possibly done if left alone. What's even stupider and
more
ass-eatingly dumb on their part is the fact that my car is
still under warranty. THEY MAKE NO MONEY OFF OF FUCKING UP
MY RIDE.
They have to fix everything that they screw up for free.
It is my
recommendation that NOBODY ever buys an Exploder ever again.
Or if somebody does, they just use it to kill themselves and
their annoying neighbors. You know, the neighbors who make their
pet poodle lick them both while they screw like ugly and fat
rabbits in your bushes every Saturday night while screaming
like banshees. They are total assholes. They must die.
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PEDRO Prime
Holy shit.
Humans of this era are ridiculously dumb. Take the Rossman for
instance. He bought an automobile that was made in America by
fat and lazy Americans. And he did not expect it to
be a deathtrap on wheels. There was honestly nothing I could
do
to make that thing any more dangerous to him. I thought of
slashing his tires or maybe setting mini charges on them to
make them
blow up, but the auto manufacturer was already a step ahead
of me on that one. I was going to fuck up his brakes so that
he would not be able to stop from one of his "120 MPH Races
of Exhilaration and Almost Death" trips he normally takes
down Highway 316 at four in the morning... but the auto makers
had already gone ahead and messed up the stopping system too.
Those humans in charge of making these cars should be made to
lead mankind into the future. Then all of the homo sapiens would
die in horrible horrible deaths of blood and motor oil. Then
the world would belong to us robots. I would be king because
I nuked the most countries in our robotic rise to power. Then
I would "robo hump" all of the fine lady robots that
I ever wished to robo-bone. And all would praise me. God bless
those fine men who make the killing machines that the Rossman
(and most frat-boys) drives. God bless them to hell.
I want
to give the Exploder automobile that the Rossman owns a 5 out
of 5 robot star rating. If only I could be as deadly to humans as this SUV.... If only.
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JAIME and KIFF-tanna
Jaime's review and
rating:
The last time that Kiff and I rode in the Rossman's Exploder
it hit a leaf and blew up in a spectacular display of shrapnel
and (unfortunately) pieces of Kiff's body. Thank Jeebus that
Doctor Dave was able to clone him back to life (with the exception
of his memories of when the Wolfman and Chi-Chi took him to
Vegas for his birthday and got him gonorrhea and the herpes
from that birthday party clown they hooked him up with). Otherwise
the wedding may have been pushed back a few weeks. We almost
have all of the invitations done too! Boy, that would have
been
annoying.
I give
the Exploder SUV a thumbs down. I wish it would die
and go to hell... Only, I wish it would leave my Kiffy-boy
alone when
it did that.
Kiff's review and
rating:
The Rossman has an Exploder? What the hell is an "Exploder"?
Who am I?! Where am I?!? Who the hell are you?!?! KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHN!!!!!!
Rate it?
Rate what? Why are there stitches on my head? What is 4 plus
2? Do I like applesauce? What's a "rim job"?
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