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The Aristocratic ROSSMAN

According to the movie The Aristocrats, there's a joke (THE joke) that comedians tell each other as sort of a secret handshake, aptly named "the Aristocrats." The joke is simple enough on its own, but each comedian has to tell it in his/her own lame or funny or fucked-up style, and it should be told different each time it's recounted. And it should get dirtier and dirtier with each enactment too (and it should be acted out for the guaranteed best results).

The first time I had heard the joke, I didn't laugh. My friend Marty told it to me in grade school and he royally fucked it up. He kept having to tell me, "No, wait, ummm, let me start over." Then he got to the punchline and only he himself started guffawing over it -- I just stood there with a quizzical look on my face, waited for him to see that I wasn't even chuckling, and then stated "I don't get it." After which he admitted to not getting it either. The beauty of this joke though is that if represented properly, you can hear it a million times and still laugh at it. As a matter of fact just a few months ago I saw the South Park version of the joke (go look it up yourself, don't be a lazy ass) and couldn't stop laughing for a full 10 minutes. I knew the punchline; I knew the set-up as well (and the set-up is the whole point of the joke, it's where the funny is)... But it's always the WAY that it's told that makes this thing so great.

Again, depending on who's telling it and what the joker himself find offensive, the joke changes (well, that's true of any joke, based on what the teller remembers, and what they add in trying to make it funnier, but they usually fuck it up and end up making it a lot lamer than how it was initially conceived... Fucking retards...). The Aristocrats joke is supposed to be adlibbed as the teller goes through it, but there are some rules for it that I've found; rules that, in order to not fuck the story up, must be followed.

Rule number one: Don't take the joke too far (the biggest problem people have with it) -- but by "going too far" I DON'T mean in terms of taste and disgustingness. You can NEVER make this joke too disgusting. No, the biggest problem is in dragging it on too long. You want to make it sound like this is a rehearsed bit by the people in the joke. Don't make it sound like THEY'RE making it up as they go along even though YOU are making it up as you tell it. Seriously, if anybody starts looking at their watch while listening to you go through the telling, you should never tell another humorous anecdote ever again.

Rule number two: Don't repeat any part of the joke while telling it. Don't reuse a gag like saying that "the father fucked the son" or "the mom crapped on the dog" twice. That really let's 'em know that you suck at telling jokes and can't even remember how the thing goes. Idiot.

Rule number three: Like I said before, you should act the whole thing out if you can. Yeah, it can be funny if told straight-faced and totally serious, but I've experimented and found that this and the "Chi-Chi" joke get the best, most disgusted, results from the person/people you're narrating it to if you physically enact each shit, punch, fisting and fuck. Use exaggerated gestures too. Seriously, one of the best fucking versions of this joke I've seen was done by that Billy the Mime guy. Silently.

Here's the most perfect version of the joke that I could come up with. I took elements from lots of different tellings and even added my own bits (as is required). Enjoy.

A bottom-of-the-rung talent agent is sitting behind his desk when a man enters his office. The talent agent looks up and says, "Yeah, whatd'ya want?" The man's a little nervous, but he enters, and following him are a little girl, a little boy carrying a boom-box, the man's wife and a baby in the wife's arms.

"Have I got an act for you, sir," says the man. "If you sign my family we'll make you the richest agent in the entire world!" The talent agent's heard it all before, and shakes his head in disbelief. "Fella," the agent says, "Everybody who's come through that door promises me the same damn thing. Besides, I don't sign 'family acts.'" "Oh, but we're different from any family act you've ever seen before!" the man claims. "Our act is special!"

The talent agent resigns himself and sighs. "Okay, buddy, you have one minute. You guys better impress me." "All right!" the man says. "Bobby, cue the music." The little boy then puts the boom-box down and hits "play," and a classic Mozart piece starts playing. The whole family starts ballet dancing, jumping, turning and balancing on one foot, and then the kids start doing flips around the room. Then the husband forcefully grabs his wife, knocks the baby out of her hands, rips off her clothes, and then starts deep kissing her while man-handling her huge tits and massaging her round ass.

The baby hits the floor and starts screaming, and the little boy and little girl go over to it, quickly strip, and then start peeing on the baby. The father then stops kissing his wife, winds up and slugs her full on the nose, and sends her flying into the wall. The father then rips off his own clothes, moves over to his three children, and smacks the little boy and little girl in their faces with his giant, erect dick, like a baseball bat, until they both get knocked off their feet. The father then proceeds to squat and shit all over the screaming child on the floor, and soon the mother and two other kids join him. Then the father turns to the talent agent and says, "And now, for our tribute to the victims of 9-11," and the whole family starts running around the giant shit pile screaming, "Oh my GOD!! AhhhhhhH! The buildings!! The buildings are falling!!! AAAiiiiiiEEEeee! Nooooo!!!" Then the husband bends down, grabs a big handful of steaming shit from the pile, rubs it all over his face and starts yelling "Mammie! Mammie! Oh, Mammie!" while the kids pick up the baby and shove it head-first up the mom's twat until it gets stuck half-way in with its feet still outside, kicking like crazy. The father then proceeds to ass-fuck the half-immerged baby while the little girl sucks off the baby's tiny dick, and the son eats out the mother's asshole. The father soon violently cums all over the baby, the daughter and the mother while the son finishes off by shoving his fist up the mother's asshole, punching the baby free where it lands on the talent agent's desk.

The whole family turns to the talent agent and yells, "Ta-daaaah!" Then they take a deep bow.

The talent agent is beyond words. After a long pause he's finally able to talk again and he says, "That's a hell of an act." The family just smiles back at him while patting each other on the backs. The agent continues, "I gotta know, what do you guys call yourselves?"

The man gets all serious and snaps his fingers in a theatrical way and says, "The Aristocrats!"

There. That's it. You probably don't even get it. Like they say in the movie though, it's not about the punchline at all, it's the set-up, you fucking numb-nuts. And feel free to add in grandma, the family dog, aborted fetuses, crucifictions, retarded children and/or more unfamily-friendly violence to the mix. And let me tell you something, this is the perfect joke to use on the parents of the girl you're about to dump, when they just won't leave you the fuck alone about proposing to their self-centered little princess. Just sit them down and tell them, "Oh, this reminds me of the GREATEST joke ever! Here goes..." And remember, it's all about fully acting the joke out. Big hip-thrusts and over-exaggerated squatting...

What do I think of the Aristocrats joke? It makes about as much sense as any joke when you break it down, but there's really no punchline. Most of your audience though will already be rolling around on the ground peeing their pants in juvenile glee by the time you're halfway through it if you don't screw up the telling of it. I give it two thumbs up. Then I'd punch it in the face, knock out all its teeth, and skull fuck it before it knew what hit it.

The High-larious CHI-CHI

Okay, yeah, the Aristocrats joke can be pretty funny, if not told by Jimmy Jammer or the Rossman, but it's not the BEST joke ever told. That'd be the Chi-Chi joke of course... Cannibals, racial stereotypes, anal sex -- it's got something for the whole family! But I won't repeat it here. Like the Aristocrats it's better if you see it acted out while the person telling the thing is preferably as drunk as a fucked-up skunk.

However, I will tell you another great gem from my collection. The only extra requirement for telling this joke to somebody is that you must put on a great Scottish brogue to do it correctly.

So this man walks into a pub and orders a drink from the bartender. The man's just quietly sipping at his pint when a strange old fucker with a grizzled beard and an old, smelly coat wanders up and sits next to him. Without even an introduction the second man says to the first guy, "Aye, you see that fence outside the window, laddie?" The first man looks, nods and says, "Yeah, what of it?" The second man says, "I build that fence, with me bare 'ands! Took me 6 months to do it proper! It's 4 kilometers long, and it's sturdy! I've built hundreds of fences across the land... But they don't call me 'McDougal the fence-maker' now do they?..." The smelly man takes a shot of whiskey.

The first man goes back to his own drink. Soon though, he hears, "Aye, d'ya see that orphanage outside that window?" The bearded man then points out another window to a huge, stone orphanage about a half mile away. "Yeah, I see it." "I built that orphanage meself! Stone by stone, I labored for 2 years on it! It houses 50 children, and it's solid as a castle! I've built dozens of orphanages across the land... But they don't call me 'McDougal the orphanage-mason now do they?..." The smelly man takes yet another shot of whiskey.

The first man drinks a bit more of his pint, but he keeps an eye on the man next to him now. He's not surprised when the grizzled man soon barks out, "Aye, laddie, kin'ya see all those fishin' boats all tied up to the pier outside that window?" he points. "I built them all! They're 'uge, and they'll last a good man a lifetime if treated properly!... But they don't call me 'McDougal the ship-builder' now do they?..... BUT YE FUCK ONE GOAT!"

Eh, I'll give the Aristocrat joke a thumb up. It doesn't suck, and I tell it like a champ.

The Didn't-Get-It ANGRY AMY

Does this count as sexual harassment? Please, let it count! If I can sue the Rossman for forcing me to listen to this filth it'll be all worth while!

Why does every joke that the Rossman tells contain nudity, violence, and fecalfelia?