The ROSSMAN
and Uncle SamWhere to
start? I guess I should begin with the road trip that the MegaPlayboy,
Chief Chujo and I took to D.C. a looooong time ago. We stuffed
the GlamRock Wagon up with Cheezy Poofs, Pop-Tarts and Slim
Jims and hit the open asphalt. I didn't bother to ask my fellow
travelers what we'd be listening too (thinking it'd be nothing
but glorious '80s rock to coincide with the name of our wheels).
Only when we got on the highway and there was no way for me
to jump to my safety did Timmons put in Keeper of the Seven
Keys Part I. My first taste of German speed metal. They'd
tried to get me interested in that kind of stuff for a while,
but I was always reluctant thinking it was all just musician-wannabees
who couldn't play their instruments right, so they learned to
just play them fast and loud.
To say that
it grew on me is an understatement. I now have a tattoo of Helloween's
evil pumpkin mascot on my left ass and I regularly sacrifice
virgin sluts to the god of rock and roll in their name... Just
kidding! The tattoo is on both my ass cheeks :). Anyway, so
began my dive and appreciation into Euro-metal.
Helloween
began with a bang in the late '70s - early '80s. After several
years and name changes they released Walls Of Jericho.
Kai (da man) Hansen was on guitar and lead vocals. While Walls
was a good beginning for the soon to be Legend, only the guitar
work was truly memorable. It was only after Kai decided to just
stick to strumming that Helloween began to shine like my boss'
head in a bright light. Michael Kiske climbed aboard and two
of the greatest albums of all time were created like a Frankenstein's
monster in a scary lab on a dark and stormy (bed wetting) night:
Keeper Parts I & II. The monster vocals and glorious
head-bangitude of these records cannot be denied (and the tracks "Halloween" and "Keeper of the Seven Keys" remain
at the top of of my list of All Time Fave 8+ Minute
Songs that Rock the Casbah). Helloween gelled and kicked
ass with spike-toed boots and they knew it!... Unfortunately
it was not to last. Kai left to start his own band (the ever
impressive Gamma Ray), and Michael felt he had to burn his bridges
for the sake of saving a little integrity when Helloween put
out crap like Pink Bubbles Go Ape and Chameleon.
I actually sold my copies of those CD-sized pieces of dung.
I was actually embarrassed that I bought them. A child even
laughed at me at the time (of course I wasn't wearing any pants
then, but that's a different story). I wasn't too eager to give
them another shot (due to excessive ear bleeding I suffered
from listening to Pink, but eventually I had to give
them the benefit of the doubt and I gave Master of the Rings a
spin. I liked what I heard. They were not "back" per
se, but Helloween (with only like one or two original members)
was finally starting to climb back out of the void of oblivion
they once volunteeringly dove into, to their previous glory
and godliness. Time of the Oath came next and I rejoiced.
NOW they were back. They proved it once and for all, beyond
all plausible deniability with their most recent album (well,
in the US at least as The Dark Ride is already out in
Europe) Better than Raw.
I know that
you were probably expecting me to talk about certain songs
and the "rhythm" and "beat" of some of
my most favorite bridges and other gay stuff, but that ain't
how I work.
Except for PBGA and Chameleon, everything Helloween
has done is gold. Every track kicks ass. Every poetic word of
darkness and obscurity reaches into your soul and punches it
in the face. Every pounding of the drums and twang of the guitar
makes you want to bite the head off a fucking bat and bark at
the moon!!... well, you understand where I'm going with this.
All of their worthwhile albums are 100% worthwhile.
I find
that I must give Helloween as a whole 10.83 out of 12 Shiny
Rossman Points of Goodness. It would have been higher if
they didn't try to master crap as well as they did in
Pink Bubble and Cham. Plus they're still not
as "placed on a pedestal" worthy as Gamma Ray. | 
