 The ROSSMAN and the
Brotherhood of the Nekkid
Women Statue
This has
been a record breaking weekend for me. Not only did I see 3
movies in the theater between Friday and Sunday, but all three
of the ones that I watched took place in France! Two were historical
pieces; Two featured men with missing arms; Two had midgets
that worked into their respective plots (i.e. Napoleon and a
garden gnome); Two were in French with subtitles; and
they were all good. What are the odds on that?!
Yeah, I know,
I always make fun of the French and I really do hate most of
them Frenchies just out of principle. But once in a while one
or two of them will have a vision and make a good movie. Or
in the case of writer and director Jean-Pierre Jeunet, you have
a visionary... but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Let's go
back to Friday night. A bunch of us went to see the American
made Frenchie movie The Count of Monte Cristo. And no,
it really isn't about the inventor of that tasty and artery-clogging
sandwich. It's about revenge! And prison. And mullah.
Lots of mullah. It was originally a book by some Frenchie named "Dumbass" who
was sick of the social issues of the day or something. I wasn't
paying too much attention to that
part. I'm not easily distracted or anything, but there was
a hot little big-lipped and big-headlighted firecracker who
showed
lots of heavy cleavage throughout.
The plot
was cool, even though the acting was cruel. Apparently Americans
pretending to be Frenchies are even more annoying than Frenchies
just being themselves. Who knew? But screw the actors, the
story
was what got me. Revenge! Yeah, there's some kinda love and
longing going on, but I'm talking about full-on, fabulous
revenge!
There aren't many movies that take this subject head on and
just run with it. It should be done more often. The ending
was
a bit too "happy happy" for such a dark story-line,
but that chick was pretty bodacious, so I forgive it.
On Saturday,
we all got together again and checked out The Brotherhood
of the Wolf. A total Frenchie production that took the typical
period piece motif and threw in some sweet martial arts and
a wicked bad-ass monster. Plus it had some hot and sexy Frenchie
babes of its own. The main babe was okay, but that Vatican-trained
whore with the razor-blade fan was one wild tamale! That Mohican
guy was a regular Injun Jackie Chan too. Plus, apparently the
ASPCA doesn't have much of a powerbase in France, since there
were tons of shots of real live wolves getting shot and flipped
and sliced open right in front of the camera. Those PETA freaks
would shit their pants if they ever caught wind of this flick.
But that's what made it so great. It was a cool action movie
with lots of gratuitous fighting and slicing, but it was also
foreign. Meaning that it wasn't the typical Hollywood
summer movie flick. Yeah, the ending could have had more pizzaz
mixed in, but all in all it was pretty damn rugged.
Sunday brought
me to see Amélie. I honestly didn't know what
the fuck to expect. City of the Lost Children and Delicatessen
were both trippy and uber cool, but Amélie was
supposed to be set in the real world (or an amazing facsimile)
in modern times. Far removed from the post apocalyptic and just
plain nutty environments of the director's previous two celluloid
masterpieces.
What did
I get? Pure genius! Amélie was by far the best
movie of the weekend. It was light, but not too light. It was
funny as hell in some parts. It had that dude who was the main
character in Deli and who was cloned in CotLC in
a great cameo/part. It had devious plans to either help or
screw up people that were executed with precision by the delectable
Audrey Tautou in the title role. Amélie is a babe. She
may appear to be goofy looking or comely at first glance, but
some of the faces that she makes in the movie gave me a funny
feeling in places that my bathing suit covers.
Amélie is about ....... revenge?
Well, kinda in a sense. Revenge to a few mean individuals in
the lead character's life who don't treat others very nicely.
And maybe revenge on herself for living such an enclosed life
up until that point when she decided on a new approach to living.
But all in all Amélie was about a cute girl doing
cute things. It may sound incredibly lame, but it is really
trey cool. Once it's over you'll wish that you knew a little
minx like Amélie who'd help you sort things out in your
pathetic little existence and make you feel all pépe
d'poopoo.
In
the end I find that I must give The Count of Monte Cristo
a 6, The Brotherhood of the Wolf a 7 and Amélie an
8 out of 9 slices of Rossman swordsmanship. For such an historic
weekend, that is an even ka-razier way to end things.
Ascending order
from first to last. But as ze French say "Oh ho ho ho
ho, you suck pastry, you annoying pig dog Americans!"
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The Count of KIFF and
JAIMEISTO
Jaime:
French movies are soooooo romantic! I just love how they always
emphasize love and romance. Even in that bloody movie about
the wolves they had love saving the day. *Siiiiigh*
Why can't
more movies be made that capture the glories of life and love
and happiness eternal? Yeah, some bad guys must be slain for
the benefit of our ideals, but love lift us up where we belong!
Love is all around you!! All you need is love!!! *double Siiiiiiigh*
I will
give these movies two thumbs up for showing us that love
does live on in the theater.
Kiff:
Oooooh yeah! Lots of killing, revenging and even some steamy
Frenchie sex! What a weekend!
At first
I thought that the Rossman was out of his gourd when he proposed
that we all check out some of those weird French films that
invaded our neighborhood movie theaters. I thought they would
be all "existential" and stuff, where you'd need
a degree in psychology and anthropology in order to understand
them fully. But once the guns started firing and the swords
started slashing I knew I was going to be pleasantly surprised.
Heck, even in Amélie they had a cameo by Zorro!
Plus all
three had nudie shots of one form or another. God bless those
kinky French and their jonsing for body banging!
I give
all three films a hearty tit-... er, thumbs up!
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CHI-CHI-elie
What the
fuck?!?! These movies sucked! Only one of them was in English
and the other two had to be "read"!!! Who the hell
wants to read a fuckin' movie?!?!
And on top
of that it was quite obvious that none of them were made in
Hollywood fer Christ's sake! The nerve of those Frenchies!!
"Look at us! We are ze masters of ze cinema! We will
make ze movie wissout your stoopeed American movie peoples!"
Goddammit that pisses me off sumtin' fierce!!
Other than
that whole "foreign" thing I suppose that there was
nothing wrong with any of those flicks. Even the fact that
Dumbledore
was living the jail-house-rock life with the Count of Monterey
Crisco couldn't really destroy that movie. And it made me think...
What would I do if I had that much mullah at my disposal? Actually
I guess the questions should really be "Who would
I do? How many times? And how many ways?" Imagine! I could
make Halley Berry my personal whore! And I'd make her tell
me
that she liked the leather and chains every night before lights
out! Each time she asked for another whipping would be another
$300,000 in her pocket. After having all that fun with Ms.
Berry,
I'd probably blow up the moon or something. You know, just
to make a lasting impression on the people of Earth till the
end
of history. Fuck man, at least those werewolf people would
be happy. That's gotta be painful changing into a beast like
that
every month cause la Luna tells ya to.... What the fuck was
I talking about?
1 -
3 out of 5 Stars
from me for all these French movies. That's generous too, but
hey, I'm a generous man.
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