 The ROSSMAN and the
Brotherhood of the Nekkid
Women StatueThis has
been a record breaking weekend for me. Not only did I see 3
movies in the theater between Friday and Sunday, but all three
of the ones that I watched took place in France! Two were historical
pieces; Two featured men with missing arms; Two had midgets
that worked into their respective plots (i.e. Napoleon and a
garden gnome); Two were in French with subtitles; and
they were all good. What are the odds on that?!
Yeah, I know,
I always make fun of the French and I really do hate most of
them Frenchies just out of principle. But once in a while one
or two of them will have a vision and make a good movie. Or
in the case of writer and director Jean-Pierre Jeunet, you have
a visionary... but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Let's go
back to Friday night. A bunch of us went to see the American
made Frenchie movie The Count of Monte Cristo. And no,
it really isn't about the inventor of that tasty and artery-clogging
sandwich. It's about revenge! And prison. And mullah.
Lots of mullah. It was originally a book by some Frenchie named "Dumbass" who
was sick of the social issues of the day or something. I wasn't
paying too much attention to that
part. I'm not easily distracted or anything, but there was
a hot little big-lipped and big-headlighted firecracker who
showed
lots of heavy cleavage throughout.
The plot
was cool, even though the acting was cruel. Apparently Americans
pretending to be Frenchies are even more annoying than Frenchies
just being themselves. Who knew? But screw the actors, the
story
was what got me. Revenge! Yeah, there's some kinda love and
longing going on, but I'm talking about full-on, fabulous
revenge!
There aren't many movies that take this subject head on and
just run with it. It should be done more often. The ending
was
a bit too "happy happy" for such a dark story-line,
but that chick was pretty bodacious, so I forgive it.
On Saturday,
we all got together again and checked out The Brotherhood
of the Wolf. A total Frenchie production that took the typical
period piece motif and threw in some sweet martial arts and
a wicked bad-ass monster. Plus it had some hot and sexy Frenchie
babes of its own. The main babe was okay, but that Vatican-trained
whore with the razor-blade fan was one wild tamale! That Mohican
guy was a regular Injun Jackie Chan too. Plus, apparently the
ASPCA doesn't have much of a powerbase in France, since there
were tons of shots of real live wolves getting shot and flipped
and sliced open right in front of the camera. Those PETA freaks
would shit their pants if they ever caught wind of this flick.
But that's what made it so great. It was a cool action movie
with lots of gratuitous fighting and slicing, but it was also
foreign. Meaning that it wasn't the typical Hollywood
summer movie flick. Yeah, the ending could have had more pizzaz
mixed in, but all in all it was pretty damn rugged.
Sunday brought
me to see Amélie. I honestly didn't know what
the fuck to expect. City of the Lost Children and Delicatessen
were both trippy and uber cool, but Amélie was
supposed to be set in the real world (or an amazing facsimile)
in modern times. Far removed from the post apocalyptic and just
plain nutty environments of the director's previous two celluloid
masterpieces.
What did
I get? Pure genius! Amélie was by far the best
movie of the weekend. It was light, but not too light. It was
funny as hell in some parts. It had that dude who was the main
character in Deli and who was cloned in CotLC in
a great cameo/part. It had devious plans to either help or
screw up people that were executed with precision by the delectable
Audrey Tautou in the title role. Amélie is a babe. She
may appear to be goofy looking or comely at first glance, but
some of the faces that she makes in the movie gave me a funny
feeling in places that my bathing suit covers.
Amélie is about ....... revenge?
Well, kinda in a sense. Revenge to a few mean individuals in
the lead character's life who don't treat others very nicely.
And maybe revenge on herself for living such an enclosed life
up until that point when she decided on a new approach to living.
But all in all Amélie was about a cute girl doing
cute things. It may sound incredibly lame, but it is really
trey cool. Once it's over you'll wish that you knew a little
minx like Amélie who'd help you sort things out in your
pathetic little existence and make you feel all pépe
d'poopoo.
In
the end I find that I must give The Count of Monte Cristo
a 6, The Brotherhood of the Wolf a 7 and Amélie an
8 out of 9 slices of Rossman swordsmanship. For such an historic
weekend, that is an even ka-razier way to end things.
Ascending order
from first to last. But as ze French say "Oh ho ho ho
ho, you suck pastry, you annoying pig dog Americans!"
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