 The ROSSMAN with a PowerPal
I nearly
pissed my pants this movie frightened me so damn much... Oh,
who am I kidding, I was spraying like a fire hose!! From the
opening scene all the way until the urine soaked climax.
It all starts
off in 1945, with that hottie, Nicole Kidman, hiring a bunch
of nannies and groundskeepers (not Willie, unfortunately)
to
take the place of her last group of employees who just up and
left one day without even saying goodbye. The new people
are
really creepy. Nicole also has two adorable little shits for
children who can't be exposed to direct sunlight because
they're
vampires or something. You don't actually see them suck any
blood, but Angel never really did either and it's pretty
clear
that he's the walking dead. Needless to say the kids are a
bit creepy too. Then there's Nicole's husband who went off
to fight
the evil Nazis and never came back. That's pretty creepy. And
lest we forget the house that most of the movie takes place
in. That is one of the creepiest edifices I've ever seen!
The
Amityville Horror was like a daycare center compared to this
thing! Cree-fucking-py to hell and back! Oh yeah, and "the
others" themselves are pretty much okay.... in a CREEPY
sort of way.
Yeah, you
could kind of figure out how the movie was going to end about
halfway through, but it was one slaptastic ride. And that's
a slap to the head (but not to hurt, just creep you out). The
Others is one of the most imaginative ghost stories told
in quite a while. There's a shitload of stuff going on and all
of it is important to the plot. It has an incredibly creepy
build up and one of the best resolutions in the final act to
ever tie up a film. And speaking of tying up, Nicole Kidman
looks absolutely fuckable in this movie despite the fact she's
mostly covered up from neck to toe for two hours and she's a
mom. She's still gorgeous. And she knows how to handle a gun
almost as good as Linda Hamilton in T2.
In the
end I find that I must give The Others 45.3 out of
48.872 Rossman Points of Extraordinance. It was a creepy
and spooky flick that borrowed a bit too heavily from another
major Hollywood ghost movie that was released fairly recently.
And I think I said the word "creepy" 9 times including
just then... Now THAT'S creepy.
|
Introducing CHI-CHI
Hey! I remember
this movie! I had to see this thing cause the Rossman wanted
to see Nicole Kidman all the way naked and stuff. That was enough
to get me to go too, so I went. That was a big mistake. First
of all, she never stripped even once!! I thought for sure that
there'd be a scene in which she'd have her clothes catch on
fire and the only way to save her hot ass would be to tear her
dress off in slow motion while a bunch of other make-out-able
babes in wet T-shirts were pouring water all over her luscious
body!! But the only thing that even came close was that one
part where she took a nice and hot steamy bath and masturbated
for a good 25 minutes while Barry White played on the
stereo behind her... Or maybe that was just the Rossman's dream
he told me about a while ago. I don't know. It's all so damn
confusing.
I think that
there were a bunch of ghosts and things running around, but
I don't remember seeing them. The piano played by itself a few
times and that old woman dressed in the little girl's veil and
gown scared the absolute shit out of me. What sucks is
that I only have one pair of underwear. I'll have to go commando
for a while until I can save up enough shiny quarters to do
the laundry.
I will
give The Others two thumbs up. It was weird, and zany. Plus I got
to know the guy who sat to the left of me really well when I
kept jumping in his arms. He smelled nice.
|
The SKIPPER too
Arrrrrrrr....
This movie shivered me timbers. It made me think about all
of the women I loved before. All of them are ghosts now too.
Don't
get all uppity at me ya land lubbers, they had it comin' to
them. It was either too much naggin' (the likes of which
you've
never seen), or a bit too much of the cold tuna when The Skipper
was just looking for a quick kipper. Arrrr... Let me tell
ya
a story 'bout me last woman, Nancy McKrakor. Her name will
always be on me mind for it sounds a lot like "crack whore".
Anyway, she tried to scrub me deck with her tongue, but the
beast never brushed her pearly whites (which were a "monkey's
ass brown" by the time I met her). I was so scared that
she might give my Davey Jones some of that gingivitis that
I
had to smack her face in with me own two hands and the digital
clock on her nightstand. Arrrrr. It took a good three hours
of pure bashing to calm that sea bitch down till she
died peacefully in me arms. Then I flipped her over and had
my way with her as nature intended, up her blow hole. And if
ya think that I put a wetsuit on me "little scuba diver" you're
surely mistaken. That not be the way of the sea.
Because
this movie reminded me of loves lost long ago, I must
give it one Skipper finger of denial for making me relive such
painful times. Arrrrrrrrrrrrr!
|
