Rossman Reviews and Ratings
Rossman Reviews and Ratings
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The ROSSMAN with a PowerPal

I nearly pissed my pants this movie frightened me so damn much... Oh, who am I kidding, I was spraying like a fire hose!! From the opening scene all the way until the urine soaked climax.

It all starts off in 1945, with that hottie, Nicole Kidman, hiring a bunch of nannies and groundskeepers (not Willie, unfortunately) to take the place of her last group of employees who just up and left one day without even saying goodbye. The new people are really creepy. Nicole also has two adorable little shits for children who can't be exposed to direct sunlight because they're vampires or something. You don't actually see them suck any blood, but Angel never really did either and it's pretty clear that he's the walking dead. Needless to say the kids are a bit creepy too. Then there's Nicole's husband who went off to fight the evil Nazis and never came back. That's pretty creepy. And lest we forget the house that most of the movie takes place in. That is one of the creepiest edifices I've ever seen! The Amityville Horror was like a daycare center compared to this thing! Cree-fucking-py to hell and back! Oh yeah, and "the others" themselves are pretty much okay.... in a CREEPY sort of way.

Yeah, you could kind of figure out how the movie was going to end about halfway through, but it was one slaptastic ride. And that's a slap to the head (but not to hurt, just creep you out). The Others is one of the most imaginative ghost stories told in quite a while. There's a shitload of stuff going on and all of it is important to the plot. It has an incredibly creepy build up and one of the best resolutions in the final act to ever tie up a film. And speaking of tying up, Nicole Kidman looks absolutely fuckable in this movie despite the fact she's mostly covered up from neck to toe for two hours and she's a mom. She's still gorgeous. And she knows how to handle a gun almost as good as Linda Hamilton in T2.

In the end I find that I must give The Others 45.3 out of 48.872 Rossman Points of Extraordinance. It was a creepy and spooky flick that borrowed a bit too heavily from another major Hollywood ghost movie that was released fairly recently. And I think I said the word "creepy" 9 times including just then... Now THAT'S creepy.

"I know YOU!..... *Urp*  You're Shitty the Clown!"
Introducing CHI-CHI

Hey! I remember this movie! I had to see this thing cause the Rossman wanted to see Nicole Kidman all the way naked and stuff. That was enough to get me to go too, so I went. That was a big mistake. First of all, she never stripped even once!! I thought for sure that there'd be a scene in which she'd have her clothes catch on fire and the only way to save her hot ass would be to tear her dress off in slow motion while a bunch of other make-out-able babes in wet T-shirts were pouring water all over her luscious body!! But the only thing that even came close was that one part where she took a nice and hot steamy bath and masturbated for a good 25 minutes while Barry White played on the stereo behind her... Or maybe that was just the Rossman's dream he told me about a while ago. I don't know. It's all so damn confusing.

I think that there were a bunch of ghosts and things running around, but I don't remember seeing them. The piano played by itself a few times and that old woman dressed in the little girl's veil and gown scared the absolute shit out of me. What sucks is that I only have one pair of underwear. I'll have to go commando for a while until I can save up enough shiny quarters to do the laundry.

I will give The Others two thumbs up. It was weird, and zany. Plus I got to know the guy who sat to the left of me really well when I kept jumping in his arms. He smelled nice.

Pretty harsh treatment from The Skipper.

Arrrrrrrr.... This movie shivered me timbers. It made me think about all of the women I loved before. All of them are ghosts now too. Don't get all uppity at me ya land lubbers, they had it comin' to them. It was either too much naggin' (the likes of which you've never seen), or a bit too much of the cold tuna when The Skipper was just looking for a quick kipper. Arrrr... Let me tell ya a story 'bout me last woman, Nancy McKrakor. Her name will always be on me mind for it sounds a lot like "crack whore". Anyway, she tried to scrub me deck with her tongue, but the beast never brushed her pearly whites (which were a "monkey's ass brown" by the time I met her). I was so scared that she might give my Davey Jones some of that gingivitis that I had to smack her face in with me own two hands and the digital clock on her nightstand. Arrrrr. It took a good three hours of pure bashing to calm that sea bitch down till she died peacefully in me arms. Then I flipped her over and had my way with her as nature intended, up her blow hole. And if ya think that I put a wetsuit on me "little scuba diver" you're surely mistaken. That not be the way of the sea.

Because this movie reminded me of loves lost long ago, I must give it one Skipper finger of denial for making me relive such painful times. Arrrrrrrrrrrrr!