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Star Wars VIII, The Last Jedi
Ze Rossman!
The "I Foresee Doom!" ROSSMAN

You had one job, Last Jedi writer and director Rian Johnson. That was "don't drop the ball after JJ Abrams' fun return to the world of Jedi and lightsabers and space battles." Instead, you wrote what turned out to be a a hollow, uneventful, and at times boring two and a half hour-long Star Wars movie that was almost as unnecessary as a filler episode of Star Wars: Rebels.

I am upset. I came out of the theater relatively happy with the outcome of Disney's second chapter in their new money-printing Star Wars machine, but then I took the time to think about what just happened, and my heart sank. Nothing had happened... The story that I had just watched did not move events or characters forward at all. The plot did not proceed any, most of the characters did not grow in any substancial way, and the only thing of importance that happened was a lot of nameless and faceless minions (on both the good and the bad sides) died. Oh, and two named characters kicked it too, but I'll get to those disappointments in the spoilers section below.

Johnson had all the freedom in the world to write and direct this new Star Wars chapter. He had a blank piece of paper to write what could have been the most comprehensible, complete, and well-rounded story in the entire saga. But instead Johnson borrowed too much from The Empire Strikes Back (and not the good, interesting character-driven parts), he added in 30-40 minutes of two characters running around a CGI Space Vegas that ultimately amounted to NOTHING, and although he took some chances with some elements that I didn't see coming (namely MASSACRING mountains of soldiers left and right), the whole thing felt empty.

Empty how? I mean, so much happened? How can a movie with so much happening be empty? You're stupid.

Yes, a whole lot happens in Last Jedi, but almost NONE of it has any real impact on the overall Star Wars story. I'm going to jump into spoilers here, so just beware.

So, things start off immediately after The Force Awakens. The Starkiller base was just blown up, but the evil First Order still knows where the Resistance HQ is, so they send in a shit-ton of Star Destroyers to wipe them out. This starts a costly (and ultimately pointless) battle that pilot Poe Dameron leads against the attacking space Nazis. Yes, the Resistance is able to make a hyperspace jump away from their attackers, but the First Order proves that they can somehow track them across that vast distance of space that they just leapt, and they begin attacking the poor schmucks again.

General Leia of the Resistance is wounded in the attack, and her second in command takes control of the dwindling fleet. But this Purple-Haired new Admiral refuses to do anything but continue to run from Supreme Leader Snoke's armada. This annoys Poe Dameron, and he, ex-Stormtrooper Finn, and some new girl named Rose come up with an idea to go out and find some super-code-breaker-hacker guy, fly him back and sneak him onto Snoke's command vessel, and disable the tracking device that the bad guys have, which would then allow the fleet to jump away without the First Order following them.

This leads to 30 - 40 minutes of Fin and Rose and li'l droid BB8 running around a really lame space resort where they ride a bunch of CG giraffe-horses, make friends with some stable boys, run away from the space Keystone Cops, and meet up with Benicio del Toro's really strange codebreaker character.

Then they race back to Snoke's ship, sneak aboard as if they're a bunch of 14 year-olds sneaking into a rated "R" movie, and proceed to turn off the tracking device... Only they're caught and they can't do it. And then most of their remaining comrades get blown up due to Benicio snitching on the Resistance to the First Order about their escape plan that consisted of a bunch of space life boats quietly leaving the command cruiser and flying off to an abandoned Rebel fortress from 40 years ago.

So, EVERYTHING that happened in that middle portion of the movie (having to do with Finn and Rose) amounted to NOTHING. They might as well have not gone on their stupid, pointless mission. NOTHING would have changed in the plot really, except maybe less Resistance fighters would have died. Honestly though, there's no way the ever-on-top-of-things and super Darkside Force-user Snoke would not have felt Lightside Force-user Leia going to that old mining planet Rebel base. But whatever.

Strong Purple Haired Woman Saves the Day.

No! So much important stuff happened during that time! So much important stuff that was necessary for the movie to move forward!

Like what?

Like... That mechanic chick fell in love with Finn! That was important!

Jesus Titty-fucking Christ... That was the LEAST important element of this entire movie. And Rose's stupid and unearned love for Finn led us to the absolute worst scene in this flick! When she "saves him" from sacrificing himself to blow up the First Order's "Death Star" Battering Ram which could have killed all their friends in one blow. She claims that "love will save them," but at this point she has NO REASON to believe that anybody on their side will make it out of this alive. Finn's attempted suicide mission was the only thing that had a chance to at least delay the inevitable. Rose's declaration is the most childish and retarded thought and action made in the entire Star Wars franchise, and that includes Jar-Jar Binks stepping in space-cow shit. Not to mention that Rose "saves" Finn by SMASHING her plane into his, which could have killed both of them anyway.

This "love story" was sooooo fucking forced (pun intended), and there was ZERO chemistry between Finn and his new gal pal. Their mission to Space Vegas was like watching a brother and a sister go on a stupid adventure that turned out to be them simply going to the grocery store and then NOT buying anything.

You know what would have been a VAST improvement on this portion of the movie? A friend of mine mentioned that he would have liked to have seen Poe and Finn go on their trip to Space Vegas (IF they absolutely HAD to go there for this unneeded plot detour). Then we'd at least get to see two of the main characters interact and possibly evolve. Instead I found I just wanted to shoot myself with a blaster during Finn and Rose's entire stay in Ritchie Rich Land.

You're forgetting about Rey and her training by Luke! That was an interesting part of the movie!

I didn't forget. And yes, Rey's short stay on Jedi Temple World was one of the only well-thought-out and character-improving portions of this long, long movie.

So Rey is on the Jedi Temple Planet with Luke Skywalker, trying to convince him to come back with her to the Resistance in order to kick the First Order's butt. Luke says "no," seeing as he's hidden himself away for a reason, and even locked himself out of the Force due to his failings with Ben Solo.

Eventually Rey breaks through Luke's crusty exterior and he agrees to train her, but then she's too impetuous and decides that she needs fulfillment NOW... So when she and Kylo/Ben are suddenly and inexplicably mentally linked and can somehow see and talk to each other in their own bedrooms, she abandons Luke's help and runs off to "save" hunky Ben from Darth Snoku.

Once again though they shortcut over important scenes (like Luke finding out Han has died at the hands of Ben), and focus on Rey breaking things to the chagrin of the weird Jedi nun creatures. The choices that they make with the narrative are so perplexing and frustrating! It's like Johnson is a man-child with plenty of ideas, but no real understanding of how to EXECUTE these ideas. Oh shit!... He's just like George Lucas! Whoooooa....

But so much happened in this movie! At least it wasn't boring, like most of the prequels.

But you seem to forget the first half of Last Jedi. It WAS boring. And the Space Vegas scenes were not only dull but their tone was completely different from the rest of this flick. Yes, the understanding that Finn and Rose came to on Space Vegas was mildly interesting (that would be that most of the galaxy is neither rooting for the First Order or the Resistance, they're just living their lives and/or profiting from selling to both sides), but the execution of the idea was god awful.

And even though the storyline called for tenseness and fear of total destruction of the Resistance as the First Order slowly mowed them down, it was fairly mundane in the final product. When you look at a movie like Dunkirk — which is 2 hours of intense fear and anxious drama — and see that a bunch of soldiers sitting around waiting for their own inevitable deaths CAN be made entertaining and interesting, you have to wonder how somebody with all the budgeting, script-doctoring, and editing in the world at his disposal (like Johnson had) was not able to even come close to accomplishing the same thing in a movie featuring space wizards and laser guns.

Space Jedi Nuns. Wacky.

If you're going to be like that, what ELSE did you hate about The Last Jedi?

The number one thing I disliked was how much they didn't answer, and how they skimmed over things that were made to feel important in The Force Awakens, to the point where I find it very difficult to believe that we'll ever be given an explanation for them in episode 9. Things like:

  • Why and how did people actually have the map to Luke's hidy hole in the first place?
  • Who and what is Snoke, how did he rise to power, and where did he learn all his Darkside abilities?
  • How does Rey know how to fly the Millenium Falcon and fight with a lightsaber without ANY training of any kind? ("The Force" is not a legitimate answer when the Jedi Order spent their lives learning this shit even with the Force on their side.)
  • How did Maz get Luke's lightsaber? And what was up with Rey's Force-trip when she first touched the lightsaber in Maz's bar?
  • And what the hell happened to the Knights of Ren? Remember that plot point? That seemed very important at the time (Kylo used to have an army of badass Darkside agents to watch his back).

WE WILL PROBABLY NEVER KNOW the answers to ANY of these things.

Is that it?

No. I also HATED the "humor" that they poured all over this movie. Now, yes, I remember, humor was an important part of the original trilogy. But that humor was either sarcasm or slight physical comedy that FIT IN THAT UNIVERSE. It wasn't Poe Dameron making a crank call to a waaaaay too oblivious General Hux. Honestly, after that opening scene there was NO WAY to take Hux seriously for the rest of the movie. He was just TOO FUCKING STUPID to fear.

Oh, and the dramatic scene where Rey is Force-seeking out Kylo, and she finds him shirtless, and she stammers and asks him to put a shirt on... What? Not only does he not put a shirt on, but the scene continues as if none of that even happened. It was just painfully dumb. There were a lot more "gags" like that peppered throughout this movie too. Jesus....

The slight character driven humor with Luke being crotchety and using the leaf on Rey during her training, THAT was a good use of comedy and a good way to break tension in the Star Wars universe. But unfortunately that was a rare example of "how to be funny without bein retarded" in Last Jedi.

Anything else?

I also found Poe, Finn, and Rose, and hell, pretty much everybody except Kylo/Ben and Luke, to be boring and one dimensional. I was honestly very surprised at how much I liked Kylo in this movie after how much I detested his whininess in the previous film. Go fig.

The biggest issue that I had with Last Jedi though is that so many actions and deaths had NO IMPACT on the final outcome of this story. Finn and Rose on Space Dubai, yeah, but also big portions of the plot were dedicated to Poe's mini-stupid-rebellion which not only did nothing to advance the narrative in the least, but it could have been utterly avoided by Admiral Purple-Hair just saying "Hey, hotshot, calm down. There is a plan that will save all of us. Trust me. That's what the order of command is all about. Trusting your superiors and knowing that they're working in your best interest." Moving a plot forward due to stupidity or non-communication is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. And as I've stated already, this 30 minutes of Poe's rebellion didn't even move the story along in ANY WAY.

I liked a lot of the ideas in this movie, but their execution was just soooo fucking poor. Like Kylo turning on Snoke like that in only the second movie of a planned trilogy... The idea is interesting (he cares not for the Lightside or Darkside, or the forces that gather around both), but the execution was so sloppy because now Snoke is a joke (who was he, how did he gather the First Order around him, and what was his reasoning for all this?), and now the only leaders that the First Order has left is tantrum-boy Kylo/Ben and moronic fucktard Hux. I do not fear either of them in even close to the same manner that I was worried about Vader and the Emperor in the Original Trilogy. The First Order is even more of a pathetic husk of its once greatness than the Resistance is at the end of Last Jedi.

Jesus, man... Was there ANYTHING that you liked about this movie?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I liked a LOT of the elements of the flick. A bunch of small scenes, a lot of the action, and the look of the entire film were pretty damn good. In fact, this was perhaps the best looking Star Wars film so far... Except for the prequel-like Space Vegas parts. Those sucked.

Elements that I liked:

  • Yoda's cameo. I loved how Luke just turned around and was like, "Oh, hey, Yoda. What's up?" And Yoda gave great wisdom, as he did in the Original Trilogy. That was great.
  • Grumpy Luke (who locked up his Force atunedness) was pretty amazing too. I understood his actions, and his character arc was pretty much the only one with any real depth to it in the story.
  • Purple-haired woman's hyperspace jump. It was impressive to see her get pissed enough to do this, and the visuals were amazing!... But it just made me wonder why nobody did this before if the results were this cataclysmic? The Rebels could have simply done this to the first two Death Stars very easily. If it had been Leia who had sacrificed herself for the good of the Resistance in this manner, they could have used the excuse that "only someone in touch with the Force could have pulled that off with all the precise calculations needed," or something... But at least it looked cool.
  • Kylo Ren (up till Rey turned on him). I actually felt sympathy for that whiny douche, and wanted him and Rey to best Snoke and his guards together... But then he immediately turned back into a loser crybaby. Ugh.
  • Rey's background. I liked how she WASN'T Obi-Wan's secret love child, or that she wasn't related to anybody else in this already kind-of-small universe. I appreciated that Johnson made her just a normal nobody with Force powers... But it does seem to contradict what we saw in her vision in Maz's basement in the previous film. You KNOW JJ Abrams meant for her to be somebody special with those mystical ball-tripping visuals... Oh well.
  • Luke's final stand. This was the highlight of the movie. I had no idea what was going to happen, and the new use of the Force was absolutely perfect and felt sooooo Star Warsy. My only gripe is that the stress of doing this should not have killed Luke. With Carrie Fisher dead, Luke would have been the only OG who could come back for the final chapter. Yeah, he can (and will probably) be a Force ghost, but having him alive would have been so much more pleasing. But that's a minor gripe for this one epic moment.
  • The final scene with the Force-tuned stable boy. I liked how Luke's sacrifice for his friends made him and the Resistance's plight the thing of legends. I liked how it brought faith to the regular joes of the galaxy, and strength to dream about how they can stand up for themselves in the future, if they're strong enough. That was indeed a good message to end things on.

But these small elements just can't hold a candle to the BONFIRE that is the mess that the rest of this bloated corpse of a movie turned out to be. Like I said, pretty much every decision they made in making this movie, except with how they handled Luke, could have been done so much better and more meaningful. The ideas were there, but they were just executed so poorly.

Well, FUCK YOU! This movie was the best thing ever since Rogue One! Piss off!

I'm very glad that you feel that way. I myself am nervous about where Star Wars is headed though. Not only was this trilogy not planned out in the least, and each episode made up as they go along, but I am apprehensive about the fact that Disney gave Rian Johnson the reigns to make a new trilogy (after episode 9) based on what he gave them with this movie. Shit, I don't know, maybe with no restrictions on what has come before, he can do something magical... I sure hope so.

I am also concerned with where JJ Abrams will take episode 9 now. With all the original cast dead, and with nobody giving two shits about most of the new cast (with the exception of Kylo/Ben and maybe slightly Rey), where do we go from here?

Most of the people that I talked to liked or LOVED The Last Jedi. It simply left me with a bad taste in my mouth though. It took the basic plot of The Empire Strikes Back (i.e. the Rebellion fleeing from the regrouped and pissed off Empire), but didn't do anything important with it; it ended in the same place it started, with nothing gained, and only mountains of dead people in its wake. It looked good though, and small elements of it were impressive, but I found it as disappointing to the Star Wars mythos as the prequels... Well, almost as disappointing as the prequels.

I give Star Wars - The Last Jedi 2 out of 5 Stars of Wars.

Porgs.


Big Papa PALPATINE

Sad... I am just so saddened by how they treated my clone, Snoke, in this movie. No back story given about how I planted my cloned seed inside of Princess Leia before the end of Return of the Jedi, had Snoke pop out fully formed, shooting lighting out of his fingers and everything, how they locked him up in space jail until he broke out and joined the space circus, honing his powers as his body deteriorated way too quickly due to the Darkside making him too bad-ass, until he founded the First Order and began to take over the galaxy just like his big Papa Palpatine... Instead, that loser emo-kid Kylo cut him in half without even a fight. Lame.

I hope that my second clone, Jebediah Snork, comes into play in Episode IX: The Snork Fucks Things Up But Good!

I give The Lat Jedi a big THUMB DOWN. It was boring, and nobody won. Everybody lost. It was just a movie about people losing. That's lame.


The MEGAPLAYBOY

Meh, I liked it.

Things went BOOM, lightsabers cut people in half, and Luke did some badass shit in the end. And my main man Yoda even showed up and was all wise an' shit. What's not to love?

I give The Last Jedi 10 out of 10 Firecrackers of Coolness. Unless you gots a giant three-foot stick up yo' ass, you'll probably like it too, foo'!