The ROSSMANImhotep was
one baaaaad mutherfucker. So bad in fact that they had to bring
him back from the dead. Twice. Maybe three times. I lost count.
You see,
in the original movie (The Mummy) he was called out of
undead retirement because Rick and Evie were morons. They opened
a book they shouldn't have and read shit out of it that they
shouldn't have after opening a cursed tomb that they shouldn't
have. That's how we get the undead walking around sucking our
souls, people! It was apparent that they'd never seen an '80s
teen horror movie.
Well, needless
to say, at the end of the movie they killed lots of mummies
(including Imhotep of course) and saved the day along with that
gigolo dude from Duece Bigalow. But, it wasn't the end
of evil mummies as we know it because the film made something
like a billion dollars worldwide and on video. After the money
started rolling in the producers were like "Wait! There's,
uh, another chapter to this story of dead dudes from ancient
Egypt and it has the Rock as an arachnid king with 8 legs and
shit!.... And did we mention that it'll make an ass load of
money too?" And so the sequel was greenlit and Dwayne "THE
ROCK" Johnson was cast as the Scorpion King who can grunt
and make it mean anything he wants.
Anyway, the
story of The Mummy Returns is that some idiots want Imhotep
back so that he can kill the bad Scorpion King and thus inherit
his army of evil dog-men who were kind of cool, but not as cool
as Gozer's dog-demons in the original Ghostbusters...
But I digress. So of course Evie and Rick are pulled back into
the action along with their son because it would have been lame
if only Evie's dickless brother fought all the mummies in this
film. Really lame. But the best character from the first movie
also returns and kills lots of bad guys, sand-dog-creatures
and pygmy mummies on his own. Antoine from Duece Bigalow:
Male Gigolo should have been the lead in this flick! He
could have just ordered his collection of hot chickies to claw
the chunky Imhotep and the Rock to shreds. But back to the movie.
It's 9 years
after the mummy died for the second time and Evie is having
lots of flashbacks to some really hot cat fights with Ank Su
Na Mun (the mummy's main squeeze) and she can remember how to
unlock weird doors and stuff. Hell, screw the plot! You want
to see mummies attacking people and big scorpions cutting people
up don't ya! Then check this movie out. The special effects
were not as good as the first one and they seemed a bit rushed
in the end, but it's still pretty rugged to see a bunch of midget
mummies eating a stupid man alive! That in and of itself pays
for the admission price!
I have
to give The Mummy Returns three thumbs up for showing
us that Rachel Weisz can look really damn good dressed in a
skimpy ancient Egyptian princess costume. | 
