 The Lord of the ROSSMANFinally!
Part II of the Lord of the Rings trilogy is upon us.
And it was well worth the wait.
That pretty
much sums it all up... but considering you're all bastards who
want me to waste a few more precious minutes of my life
sputtering out synonyms for "awesome" and "pee-your-pants-goodness",
well, here goes.
The Two
Towers is almost everything it should be. It continues the
story of the ring bearer, Mr. Frodo, his amigo in action, Samwise
the Brave, and their new accomplice in sneaking into Molten
Lava Land, Gollum/Smeagol. That last one being two personages
in one body for the most part... And 100% CGI. Now, before you
jump on Peter Jackson's back like a drugged-up howler monkey
that's high on the smack, let me just tell you that there was
no other possible way to create Gollum/Smeagol without computer
use. No way. And, after the initial sight of him, you truly
begin to believe that he is a real, big-eyed, schizophrenic
mess of a thing who's interacting with his fellow halflings
in all the scenes that they share. Honestly, Gollum/Smeagol
is the best character in this episode. I wouldn't shit you about
that. Lord knows I hate crappy CGI more than Mulder. I thought
that I would have been the first to lambaste and charbroil Jackson's
attempt to make us feel sorry for a bunch of moving pixels,
but by gum, he made it work!
The Two
Towers is also about Merry and Pippin and their escape
from their Orcish imprisonment (that was set up at the end of
the first film, The Fellowship of the Ring). We see how
they bust loose and meet up with the oldest living creature
in all of Middle Earth, Treebeard. He's an Ent. That means that
he's a tree herder. If you have to ask any more about that then
these movies aren't meant for you. Go see Harry Potter
again, dweeb.
Anyway, The
Two Towers is also more about the re-meetings of Legolas,
Gimli, Aragorn and their once dead, wise wizard friend, Gandalf.
And yes, for all you dickweeds out there who couldn't follow
plot points if they were tattooed backwards on you forehead
(so that you could see and read them when you looked in a mirror,
ass), Gandalf the Grey DID die while fighting the Balrog of
Moria. Then he was sent back by the powers in the West to complete
his mission as Gandalf the White. C'mon! This isn't half as
confusing as all that time ripple effect in Back to the Future
II. Stay with me here.
Soon we also
meet lots of secondary characters, including: Éowyn,
Théoden, Éomer, Gríma Wormtongue, Faramir
and a lot more characters whose names sound funny to stupid
people. Stop giggling! This is serious stuff! Rohan and Gondor
get their asses handed to them by the dark empire known as
Mordor,
Gollum/Smeagol literally wrestles with his other self in order
to save/kill Master Frodo. Yessssss.... Then they would
have precious... Then THEY would be master... Yessssssss.
Grima tries
to seduce both Théoden and Éowyn (for different
reasons I'm guessing, but can't really be sure. He could actually
be trying to get them both in the sack for Saruman's sake),
Helm's Deep is sacked and raped like Mike Tyson's last beauty-pageant
date, and Faramir is heavily tempted by the one ring. All bad
stuff... trust me.
Now to nitpick.
I said before that The Two Towers is almost everything
that it should be. Let me explain. Peter Jackson apparently
thought that J.R.R. Tolkien's original text was lacking. He
thought that there were serious lack-of-humor problems, so he
made the noble dwarf, Gimli, the comic relief of this movie.
He thought that having other wise and brave people in Middle
Earth other than our original fellowship was silly, so he made
the rest of the kings and noblemen retarded and hardheaded.
Plus he ended the film before we even get to see Shelob, the
giant spider-demon thingy. I just wanted to see her, is that
so wrong? But all in all these are just minor bitchings. The
special effects may seem a bit rougher around the edges than
the first film, but they're still amazing in lots of scenes.
The whole tone may seem a bit more drab and lifeless, but that's
mostly due to the settings (mostly rocky and craggy brown landscapes).
And the biggest problem with this movie is that it ends. All
I want now is to see the final battle in The Return of the
King. Next December seems soooooo far away. But when it
gets here, I just know it'll be very precious (yes, I know
that
the whole "precious" thing has gotten old already,
but it's all I got!).
So, what
did I think of The Two Towers? I
liked it alot. I grant it 41/2 out
of 5 Rings crafted for the Rossman Lords! It could have
gotten a full five, but for those itty bitty quibbles I mentioned
above. But other than me, what's really perfect in this world
anyway?
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The Untowering KUNI(Note from the
Rossman: Oooookay. Kuni was just so damn excited about
this "ring" that
he almost got (says him) that his review was even more messed
up than normal. I attempted to fix it up some, but it
still
doesn't make a lick of sense. Enjoy!)
Kuni saw
a Tower of power!! YES!! Kuni has a tower(s) in his Kuni pants!
TWO towers! How can this be?! Many naked movies made this tower.
Kuni saw the naked girl's ring too. YES!! YESS!! It was very
nice to Kuni.
The big black
man with (the) penis (tower) as big as Kuni's arm took the
girl's ring and is now king of (her) ass! Why is (Kuni) not
(the/a)
king?! Kuni tried to (touch) the ring one time, but the girl
on (the) bus said that it was (her) precious. After Kuni
tried
to slip (his finger) into it, the bus driver (who according
to Kuni was big and black too, but not the "king" from
the movie) grabbed his arm and (threw him) off of the moving
bus. That's when Kuni got a concussion and started seeing
hobbits
and unicorns and shit... And his ramblings just got stranger.
(Note 2 from the Rossman: I don't
think that Kuni saw The Lord of the Rings - The Two Towers.
I think he was just thinking about that porno I gave him last
year for his birthday, Big Black Dicks With White Pearly
Cum. I mean, who wouldn't confuse the two... and apparently
reality? Though he gave a thumbs up for this review,
I'm pretty sure it was aimed at the guy with the huge cock
in the porn movie. )
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The WOLFMAN of MordorAll hail
Sauron! All hail Morgoth!! Allegiance to Mordor!!! Bow to them,
pitiful little men of the 6th age!
Yes, I have
waited my entire life for this movie trilogy to be made. Yes,
I am very pleased with how things are turning out so far, with
this, the second movie to come out. But, I'm beginning to worry.
See, I had
heard that the film makers were going to change a few things
for the better in the bringing of this story to the big screen,
and I guess I was really hoping all along that in order to throw
all us hard core fans for a loop that they would allow Sauron
to win at the end when all is said and done. And while it looks
like that still might happen, I was pretty pissed to see the
Battle of Helm's Deep end as a win for the pussy side. I mean,
c'mon! 10,000 Orcs and just because Gandalf has a white steed
and the sun behind him he kicks the shit out of them?! Jeesus
Fuckin' Christ!! Orcs are twisted Elves, man! They should be
even more bad-ass than Legolas!
I still have
faith though. All Peter Jackson has to do is have Frodo get
killed by the Shelob, have Samwise get twisted by the ring,
and have Gollum steal it from him and then get captured by Sauron
who would then rip Aragorn and his forces a new one and trample
over Middle Earth like a heard of Wargs and Oliphants racing
eachother to a playground of defenseless children. Plus they
should bring back that bear dude, Beorn, from the Hobbit
and make him take Sauron's side. He ruled!
I give
The Two Towers a Lovely Sign of the Devil for
thinking big. It could have been more evil, but I guess that Jackson's
just waiting for part three to tear our hopes asunder. I'm crossing
my fingers now.
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