The Lord of the Rings:
The Fellowship of the Ring

The Lord of the Pregnant Brides
(the ROSSMAN)

My preshhhhhhious! My preshhhhhhhhious!!... *A-hem!* The Fellowship of the Ring. What does it mean?..... Who's there?!!? Are you trying to take my precious?!?! You rat bastard!!! Stay away, and I might share with you my experience with this exquisite feature.

The LotR is perfect. This is what J.R.R. Tolkien saw when he created Middle Earth in a drug induced coma in the mid 20th Century. This is the Gandalf the Grey he pictured. This is the Shire he watched. This is the Fellowship that he partook in. And these are the Hobbits that he loved... Those nasty Hobbitsesssss!!! Nasty Bagginsessssss!!!

It all begins in the Hobbit Shire with the arrival of the coolest wizard to ever walk Middle Earth, Gandalf the Grey... Scratch that. It actually all begins several thousand years ago with the creation of the Rings of Power. Some for the Dwarves, a few for the Elves, Nine for Man and One to rule them all. Sauron, the Dark Lord made the last one, and he tried his darndest to use it to take over the world. But he was stopped. Then eventually Sméagol/Gollum and Bilbo met and the ring made its way to the Shire. But after 60 years the evil forces of the land have caught wind of the ring's where abouts and the Ring Wraiths are sent to hunt it down for their resurfaced master, Sauron.

There's lots of allies to be made, betrayals to weather, and ugly orcs to slaughter, but all in the name of good clean magical fun. There's cave trolls that smash things up real good, and lots of halflings running around too. And let's not forget the Balrog. The Balrog is a big, bad-ass evil creature that has to be seen to be believed. The entire scene leading up to its arrival is so tense and pants-shittingly scary that you'll more than likely shit your pants!

What surprised me the most was the fact that Peter Jackson, the director, actually used real Hobbits for the roles of the Hobbits in his movie instead of midgets. I've heard that the reason they've never been used in the past is because they're royal bastards to work with. They demand 8 meals a day and pedicures every night. And you have to buy extra small curling irons to get their locks as wavy as they needed to appear. Midgets don't give a shit about food or feet treatment. Plus they don't bite as much as real Hobbits. But I guess that Mr. Jackson was going for authenticity and chose to suffer for his art. This is the same man who used real zombies for his work in Braindead and real live puppets for his greatest film to date Meet the Feebles. The man must know what he's doing.

Anyway, so go see The Fellowship of the Ring. Even if you haven't read the books. Especially if you haven't read the books. You need to experience this story. It's ubertacularly rugged. It will rock your testes into oblivion. It will make you eat your own "awe inspired" vomit and make you think that you like that sort of thing. It will rule you. It will find you. It will bring you. And it will bind you. It is soooo preshhhhhious....

I give The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring 7 out of 7 Cool Points of Anti Shittiness. It deserves more, but that would destroy the laws of logic and physics, and I don't think that any movie is good enough to make a mockery of Einstein's theories. See it now. Then see it tomorrow. And always remember, when Gimli's around there'll be no dwarf tossing!

The Lord of the Finger
(the SKIPPER)

HOLY SHITE! I dinna want to believe it, but there they were, in front of me own two eyes! Leprechauns!! Lots of little Leprechauns! I'd been searchin' me whole life for them little folk with nary a trace to be found, but then comes this Peter Jackson fella, and he makes a movie with nothin' but hundreds of the magical little buggers! Apparently they all moved to New Zealand or sumtin' a while ago, and I only searched Ireland and me neighbor's backyard for them. Actually, by "Ireland" I really mean me neighbor's kitchen.

Anyway, it was good to see the little folk doin' so well fer themselves. But I wish to God Almighty Himself that I could have been a part of that movie shoot. Just to be able to have gotten close enough to grab one of the magical little bastards and make him disclose the secrets of his hidden gold to me under penalty of mass torture would have made me happier than a dog with 3 assholes to sniff. Then I would have used that magical gold to buy meself a new clipper ship to sail and pirate the 5 seas again until the dreaded Captain Scallywag burned me boat down again and left me for dead with 20 knives sticking me in the gut at the bottom of the ocean.... Arrrrrrrrrrr. That scurvy sucking anal intruder!!!! I'll get him! If it's the last thing I do I'll cut off his bleedin' tongue and use it to lick horse balls until it disintegrates!!!

I suppose that if I must rate this tale of the Ring I would have to give it a ten keg salute of me favorite ale, Mermaid Piss Stout. Arrrrrrrr. What I wouldn't do to bang Liv Tyler. She makes one fine piece of elvin tail!

The Lord of the Pansy Dance
(the MEGAPLAYBOY)

Liv Tyler will be my whore!!! I said goddamn!!! I never thought that that beeyatch, Arwen, could possibly be that lick-tastic! I mean, I've pleasured my bad self on many an occassion while thinking of that elvin whore, but all those times I've had to imagine what the ho looked like. So over the years her portrait in my mad mind's eye has become a little skewed. Unfortunately up until last night I've only been able to picture the little slut as an overweight Bulgarian shot-putter with a unabrow. Damn!!! How the fuckin' shit could my mind betray me in such a bogus fuck manner.

Anyway, ya psycho bizitch, that's why I'm so cum-gobblingly glad that those jokers in New Zealand went and put all that mullah into these movies. Screw the quest to destroy that evil badboy, Sauron! Fuck those gay dwarves up their short and stout poop shoots!! Gollum can take his fuckin' "precious" and sit on it in a molten pile of Mt. Doom's lava!!! But leave me Arwen. Make that honey elf my love slave for a few millennia. Let Aragorn get chained up at the foot of our satin-sheeted bed till he dies of jaundice!! I want that dude to suffer!!! Treatin' my love tot like common Hobbit street walkers... he deserves at least 12 different shades of herpes and gonorrhea.

On top of that, seeing Bilbo go all "Gollum-y" after the ring was slashin'! Nice pointy teeth, ya rat bastard! I guess there are no decent dentists in Middle Earth.

In the end I must rate The Fellowship of the Crackwhore Ring a 4 out of 5 Ninja Stars of Destruction. It would have gotten a "5" if Arwen got all nekkid and booby-liscious.