 The Lord of the Pregnant Brides
(the ROSSMAN)My preshhhhhhious!
My preshhhhhhhhious!!...
*A-hem!* The Fellowship of the Ring. What does it mean?.....
Who's there?!!? Are you trying to take my precious?!?! You rat
bastard!!! Stay away, and I might share with you my experience
with this exquisite feature.
The LotR is perfect. This is what
J.R.R. Tolkien saw when he created Middle Earth in a drug induced
coma in the mid 20th Century. This is the Gandalf the Grey he
pictured. This is the Shire he watched. This is the Fellowship
that he partook in. And these are the Hobbits that he loved...
Those nasty Hobbitsesssss!!! Nasty Bagginsessssss!!!
It all begins
in the Hobbit Shire with the arrival of the coolest wizard
to ever walk Middle Earth, Gandalf the Grey... Scratch that.
It
actually all begins several thousand years ago with the creation
of the Rings of Power.
Some for the Dwarves, a few for the Elves, Nine for Man and
One to rule them all. Sauron, the Dark Lord made the last one,
and he tried his darndest to use it to take over the world.
But he was stopped. Then eventually Sméagol/Gollum and
Bilbo met and the ring made its way to the Shire. But after
60 years the evil forces of the land have caught wind of the
ring's where abouts and the Ring Wraiths are sent to hunt it
down for their resurfaced master, Sauron.
There's lots
of allies to be made, betrayals to weather, and ugly orcs to
slaughter, but all in the name of good clean magical fun. There's
cave trolls that smash things up real good, and lots of halflings
running around too. And let's not forget the Balrog. The Balrog
is a big, bad-ass evil creature that has to be seen to be believed.
The entire scene leading up to its arrival is so tense and pants-shittingly
scary that you'll more than likely shit your pants!
What surprised
me the most was the fact that Peter Jackson, the director, actually
used real Hobbits for the roles of the Hobbits in his movie
instead of midgets. I've heard that the reason they've never
been used in the past is because they're royal bastards to work
with. They demand 8 meals a day and pedicures every night. And
you have to buy extra small curling irons to get their locks
as wavy as they needed to appear. Midgets don't give a shit
about food or feet treatment. Plus they don't bite as much as
real Hobbits. But I guess that Mr. Jackson was going for authenticity
and chose to suffer for his art. This is the same man who used
real zombies for his work in Braindead and real live
puppets for his greatest film to date Meet the Feebles.
The man must know what he's doing.
Anyway, so
go see The Fellowship of the Ring. Even if you haven't
read the books. Especially if you haven't read the books.
You need to experience this story. It's ubertacularly rugged.
It will rock your testes into oblivion. It will make you eat
your own "awe inspired" vomit and make you think
that you like that sort of thing. It will rule you. It will
find
you. It will bring you. And it will bind you. It is soooo preshhhhhious....
I give
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring 7
out of 7 Cool Points of Anti Shittiness. It deserves more, but that would
destroy the laws of logic and physics, and I don't think that
any movie is good enough to make a mockery of Einstein's theories.
See it now. Then see it tomorrow. And always remember, when
Gimli's around there'll be no dwarf tossing! | 
