The Nuke 'Em All ROSSMAN
Someone must have seen Mel Brooks' History of the World: Part 1, and while watching the preview of Part 2 at the end of the movie thought, "Jews in Space?! That's funny... But it needs something more..." And then that someone watched Dead Snow and they said, "Ha! Nazi zombies... Awesome... Wait a tick!.... Jews... Space... Nazis........ Holy shit, I've got it! Nazis on the fucking dark side of the Moon!" And thus Iron Sky was born. And this someone was drunk, did I mention that? And high. On cannabis.
So yes, Iron Sky is about Nazis on the Moon. Now, going into it in my mind, this movie could have either been an epic fucking train wreck the size of 5 made-for-Sci-Fi-Channel movies rolled into one, or it could have been a sci-fi masterpiece that took itself seriously, with only some hints of satire and silliness in the background (like Dead Snow). Instead, it's a totally uneven blend of schlock and goofiness (like what FDR: American Badass attempted and actually got right), and some forced drama and danger thrown in because the writer thought that a real movie needed them. Granted, the political satire in this thing is absolutely hilarious when done right (I'll get into it in more detail below, but for example, when the Moon Nazis first start their "asteroid blitzkrieg" attack on Earth, the United Nations asks its delegates "Who of you is behind this?!" Everybody looks around nervous at each other, not knowing what's going on, and not wanting to be blamed, then North Korea stands up and in a dignified and stately manner says "Uh, it's uh, us, North Korea! Our glorious leader built those space ships with his own hands too!" Then everyone else laughs at his retarded ass and President Palin [or whatever the character's name is who's totally based on Palin] marches in and yells "Sit the fuck down, North Korea... Goddammit." It's really fucking funny), but they only ever totally nail it with 1 in 3 attempts.
Iron Sky is a Finnish, German, Australian production, and this may be the reason for its lumpiness — the humor that the people of each of these countries finds funny is actually pretty different from each other. Some of it is painfully broad and hits you in the head with it's "this black astronaut who gets captured by the Moon Nazis is a ebonics-spewing black man!!! HA!" (I'm guessing this is the Australian mind set), but then you get some really smart political jokes, like President Palin turning two Moon Nazi soldiers into her chic new poster children for her fairly fascist second term campaign.... Which was probably the German humor shining through, 'cause it's kind of angry and very mocking.... And smartly funny.
Okay, okay, I've pussy-footed around the plot of this movie like a citizen of Berlin who insists that everyone in the country was on vacation from 1938 to 1945 (yes, that's a Family Guy joke — that doesn't mean it's not funny) long enough. You want to know what it's all about, don't you, Alfie? Well, I'll tell you then.
Iron Sky starts out in the year 2018 with a new American Moon-landing taking place (mainly as a last ditch reelection campaign stunt by President Sarah Palin [or an amazing facsimile].... despite the fact that the Finnish/Germans/Australians don't seem to know that 2018 is NOT an American presidential election year) on the dark side of the Moon. Upon landing on the lunar surface, one of the two astronauts sees an enormous Helium-3 mining operation going on in the giant crater below him, is then immediately shot in the head by a Nazinaut (who goose-steps around in a really cool looking — though still ridiculous — SS-uniform space suit, complete with badass goggles) while his companion (the first black man on the Moon; a guy named James Washington) is captured by the surprise space Nazis. Washington is then taken to the Nazis' giant Swastika-shaped base, where a new super Aryan race has been raised in secret for over 70 years (since just before the end of WWII) in preparation for their prophesied return to the planet in order to "peacefully" rule it with POWER and an asteroid blitzkrieg.
Since the Moon Nazis have never seen a black man before they don't know what to make of Washington, so one of the mad scientists in the group turns him white (I shit you not, he Aryanizes the shit out of him). The Nazis are also enamored with his smart phone (that he had on him on a Moon landing for some reason), which has 10,000-times the memory and power of their most impressive computer (which fills up a large room with all its dials, spinning tape drives, and lit-up buttons). They believe that with more smart phones from Earth they will have the computational power to run their giant Nazi flying saucer, and subjugate the entire planet!... Which calls for a mission to Earth (which in the past has never been successful because nobody ever returned). So the Krauts pack up White Washington as their guide (he says he knows the president), and off they go.
We soon meet the addicted-to-stairmasters-and-sports-bras President and her advisors, and find that the whole White House is desperate to try anything to get another 4 years in power, even if it includes screwing over the entire United Nations. Two of the higher-up Moon Nazis (a thirsty-for-power commander, and his hot youngling-educator girlfriend) get introduced to Palin's number one advisor/fashionista, and they begin using the Nazi-style and flair of the invaders to salvage the president's floundering reelection campaign.... I'm telling you, in the right hands this whole thing could have been comedy gold.
Anyway, betrayals upon betrayals then occur, lots of bodies start piling up, Washington is rediscovered on the streets of New York by the hot Nazi babe (ranting and raving like a crazy white hobo about Moon Nazis coming to invade the Earth), and he gets her to see that being a Nazi is actually not a GOOD thing... seeing as the original Nazis were mass-murdering assholes bent on power, not peace; it seems the younger Moon Nazis were kind of lied to about their heritage and beliefs... (Go fig... Lied to by Nazis! I did NAZI that coming!) Then everything comes to a head when the Moon Nazi attack fleet (complete with mini saucers and giant space zeppelins) attack the planet, and only the secretly constructed, fully armed and operational new US Space War Plane (the USS George W. Bush) starts shooting the shit out of them! There's a great joke about the MIR Space Station in there too, but I won't ruin it (any more than I already have).
White-black Washington and the hot Nazi chick use their original Nazi saucer to fly back to the Moon and try and stop the Nazi babe's dickish ex-boyfriend from using a powerful Earth laptop (powerful by Moon Nazi standards at least) to start up the giant attack craft and blow the fuck out of the wonderful United States with its uber-guns (that can apparently turn 1/6th of the entire lunar mass into stardust with just one mega shot). There's a huge space battle followed by a bitterly funny finale that rivals the final scene of Terminator 3, then, the end... Or IS it? I don't know... What was that thing out over by Mars?
Iron Sky had major potential, and it's not like I hated it, I just wanted it to be either fully slapstick (think Army of Darkness or the aforementioned FDR: American Badass) or fully serious (where the humor would come from its utter self belief in its own ludicrous situations, like Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter). Iron Sky is an adventure movie with its tongue firmly thrust into a stranger on the train's cheek, but its tone is all over the place... Hmmm, how best to describe it?.... It'd kind of like watching Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope, with scenes from The Naked Gun, and a political sketch from Saturday Night Live spliced in throughout its runtime. It's a fun movie at first, but then some slapstick spits in your face. Then you're back to the adventure, but before you know it Tina Fey is up there dressed as Palin mocking US and global politics. Each element of Iron Sky is good in and of itself (the slapstick is pretty funny, the satire is sharp, and the adventure is entertaining), but it's like they had a good beef stew boiling up, but then somebody threw in some shrimp, and then somebody else thought it needed some monkey brains (I'm looking at YOU again, Australia... You sick fucks). Not a good combination.
All in all though the acting was pretty good, and the visual effects made me very happy (LOTS of 'splosions and destruction for a $7million US-dollar budget), but I just don't know how to finally rate this sucker. I did laugh when I was supposed to, and got caught up in the story when it called for it, but the whole feel of the venture was off. It left me wishing it was done by more capable hands. Though if it was made in America the political attacks would have either been dulled down or removed all together.... And dammit if I don't love it when people bash Palin!
The IRON FUHRER
Das ist der größte Film, den ich je gesehen habe! Neben diesem 10 Minuten-Version von "Der große Diktator" von Charlie Chaplain das ist das erstaunlichste Film jemals kreiert wurde! Ich werde alle meine Stoßtruppen um ihn zu beobachten, und ich werde alle meine Top-Wissenschaftler bestellen zu Beginn der Arbeit an einer Mondbasis. Wir erobern den Mond und dann die Welt! Es wird mir gehören! Anstatt Panzer und Flugzeuge und Öfen Ich werde Asteroiden aus der Höhe ins Leben gerufen, um ganze Städte Niveau! Heil mir! Heil mir! Heil Hitler! Ich bin der größte Mensch mit einem Schnurrbart, der jemals gelebt hat! Nun, abgesehen vielleicht von Stalin, aber das ist nur weil sein Schnurrbart ist super gut aussehend. Uncle Joe ist ein attraktiver Mann. Aber sag ihm nicht, dass ich das gesagt habe.
Yes, I actually watched this movie. Yes, of my own volition. Yes, I wasn't actually blackmailed into sitting through it by the Rossman... I had actually seen it about a month ago while I was in Europe trying to hire a professional French assassin to murder the Rossman painfully for me. I thought the premise was clever, but the execution left a bit to be desired. But all in all it wasn't that bad really. You could always do worse with your movie schlock.