 The Hulking ROSSMAN
Before I
start, let me just say that I remember this time at
summer camp that all the kids kept on throwing dead animals
into the latrine (i.e. a hole in the ground filled with noxious
chemicals and gasses) until everyone threw up whenever they
got within 15 feet of the thing.... Well, what made me remember
this fond little trek back into memory lane was the fact
that I have just seen Ang Lee's shitty shitty gang bang revision
of The Hulk. Somebody should just staple
this guy's ass cheeks together and feed him a sack of moldy
prunes and be done
with it. He royally fucked up all that is "the Hulk".
Don't ask
me how any film maker could possibly be that inept, but
he was and is. Mr. Lee actually took on a project about a
rampaging, giant, green angry fellow who likes to blow up
tanks and airplanes for kicks... and he made it boring. I
actually
fell asleep twice in the theater while watching it; and while
asleep I dreamed that I was enjoying Daredevil,
and then Batman
and Robin... and I was pissed when I woke
up and realized that I was still in the theater with the
boring
Bruce Banner
and the ever futuckable Jennifer Connelly as Betty Ross.
Who was hot and orgasmastic. Seriously, I wanted to bone
her ever since I first saw Labyrinth when
I was like 9. She is 100% responsible for my puberty. But
I lovingly digress.
"What's
really wrong with HULK," you ask? It never
gets any steam going until the last 20 minutes (and it's
2 1/2 hours long), and even
then it's not really all that exciting. Sure, it is pretty
sweet to see the Incredigle Hulk jump three miles per bounce,
swat stinger missiles out of the sky, and use tanks as hammer-throw
things... but you see all that stuff happen once and Ang
Lee makes sure that you're already bored with it. It's not
that the script or the acting was bad, as they really weren't...
especially
when it is compared to other gigantisaurus rampaging monster/superhero
movies. Even (the ever druggie) Nick Nolte was passable as
Papa Banner, Bruce's wacko-jacko dad. Although, granted,
he basically just plays himself. Sam Elliot was very good
at General "Thunderbolt" Ross, and even that smarmy
government asshole guy was good at playing the asshole that
he was.
Hell, even the CGI Hulk was believable in a lot of scenes.....
It was just the flow of the whole thing. Drove me batty.
Now, Ang
has a good eye for detail (and apparently moss too), but
he drags shit on for the sake of making it "art house-like".
He's been told that he's an "art house" director
for so long that now that's all he thinks he can do.
"Ang, baby...
Boobalah. See this Hulk thing you're doing is fine and dandy
and pretty and all, but why the FUCK do you have our $500K
per second CGI creation staring at a fucking LOG for two
minutes straight, especially right after he just trashed
out the entire U.S. Military's Western Defense Branch?!?!"
"Ah,
most honorable studio head person, you do not have vision
of me,
Ang Lee. This is art I make. You see? Art. It not 'popcorn
movie'. It is art. It better than Rembrandt! Rembrandt no
big and green. But Hulk feel too. He wish he was butterfly
and fly fly away. Art makes you butterfly."
Yeah, Ang,
so does following 20 shooters with a half dozen joints...
Doesn't mean it's healthy for you... You right bastard. YOU
FUCKING KILLED THE GODDAMN HULK! Fucking asscock. At least
he didn't have old bald guys with green swords flying around
bamboo shoots for 3 hours... But he did have those hyper-gay
hulk-dogs. A giant, man-eating poodle.... What a cumsucker.
So, what
did I think of the big, green and lumbering HULK?
It was
pretty to look at, but all in all it was laaaaaaame. It needed
to be 45 minutes to an hour shorter and move hella faster.
It actually made Phonebooth seem exciting. C--
from the Rossman.
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The Green Machine CHI-CHI
Holy shmoes
and uppity hoes! Those wacky asians, always thinking that
they can make movies based on Western culture and folk heroes
better than we ourselves can. That's just like we Westerners
saying that we can make tentacle rape incest porn better
than they can... That's crazy talk!
As for the
Hulk, well, it was a nice try, but so was
that operation I had to get that goiter removed from my right
lung. In that
case the doctor removed my testes and put them in castanets
and swore that that's what I had signed for him to do. Close
is close, but sometimes it's not close enough.
The Hulk was all about this wussy scientist guy, who's losing his
hot hot girlfriend whom I would so love to ass fuck right
here
and now, who gets turned into a giant green monster for some
reason and then he fights some incredibly gay dogs, and then
he did something where the screen split into four windows
for some reason and then Nick Nolte came and fubared up the
whole ending and shit. Honestly, I didn't watch the whole
thing. I kept sneaking out of the theater to watch Thumbelina
2: The Return of the Thumbilizor the next theater
over whenever the Rossman passed out. Which was at least
5 times thanks
to the dozen or so mickeys I kept slipping him... Kinda wished
I used some on myself.
Yeah, I'll
give the Hulk a half of a thumb up, but only cause I got
to see Thumbelina 3 and a half times during the course of
it's uber-long running time. Shit! Balls! Clit suck! Titties!!
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Dr. (They call him "Bruce"?)
DAVE
After I
was done attempting to make those mutant toad ninja thingies
last week, with all that uranium the Rossman had stockpiled
from Robot Pedro's last crazy scheme to sell his backyard
as a nuclear dump, I didn't know what to do with the glowing
stuff. I just let it sit around the lab for a while making
me seedless and balder, until the Rossman made me go see
this pile of floppy donkey wank-sauce called the Hulk.
Well,
the movie was not all that grand, but the idea behind it,
well, that's the kipper that I was looking for. See, this
gimpy man gets zapped with some heavy radiation and becomes
a big lime-green neanderthal who can't be harmed by any guns,
missiles or even nuclear blasts. That is exactly the kind
of science that I have been trying to do for ages. Then inspiration
struck me like a lightning bolt to the right frontal lobe.
First I
had to set up the controlled situation and the human test
subject. I chose Jimmy Jammer. I had about 20 volunteers
to knock the fucker unconscious and throw him in the sealed
room that I had prepared in the back of my underground lab,
right past the the lemur with the four foot dong. Anyway,
when
the annoying
pigfuck woke up from his concussed coma I let him have it
with the radiation. Nothing seemed to happen at first, so
then I had Robot Pedro enter the room and shove a uranium
rod right up the boy's tuckus. Not only did that appear to
enhance him with the correct amount of juice, but it also
succeeded in making him angry and transform! Unfortunately
he only turned a slight shade of mauve and then an arm with
a pair of testicles dangling from it slowly grew out of
the back of his head. Oh well, I still have some rods left
to test on the Rossman tomorrow.
I
suppose I'll give the Hulk a thumbs up for not
completely killing my mind and for getting me off my
butt to experiment again.
I've been in a slump for a while, and the whole thought
of mutated muscular men in tight purple shorts really
got my fire burning!
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