Rossman Reviews and Ratings
Rossman Reviews and Ratings
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Ze Rossman!
The Nearly Dead ROSSMAN

Is this what you've become now, Hollywood? Have you already run out of ideas of how to make new and interesting superhero movies? Are you now reduced to just making raunchy flicks with nothing but dick and fart jokes, with a splash of titties in them? Is the idea of humor so alien to you that a reference that both Patrick Stewart and James McAvoy played the same role in the past is the biggest chortle in your new multi-million dollar Ryan Reynolds extravaganza? What the goddamn hell, movie people?

Of course I am bullshitting you. I have been rooting for this project — aka Ryan Reynolds' love letter to the comic book fanboy community — for years now. This final product only happened because he, and the writers and director, pushed and begged and pleaded as hard and as long as they could in order to get it off the ground, and to have it made THEIR WAY. And even though it was produced on the relative cheap ($58million, iirc), and even though the filmmakers had their budget slashed another $7million dollars just before shooting was to begin (meaning the axing of the epically huge, 4,000 rounds of ammo, final battle that was in the original script), Deadpool, the movie, is one of the absolute funnest and funniest fucking films I have ever seen.

Deadpool was everything I had hoped it would be, and everything it promised to be. It was funny as hell, it had some amazing action pieces, and it was very Rated "R" violent. The Merc with a Mouth's true cinematic debut comes at you fast and furious, the jokes flying a mile a minute, and it doesn't slow down until the closing credits start to roll. And even then a few good laughs are launched at the audience to keep them chuckling to themselves till they got to their cars.

If you have a problem with this movie, then I'd say you don't have a sense of humor. Seriously, if you're THAT person, the guy who's telling his "friends"/acquaintances "it wasn't funny at all. The jokes were dumb. Really, now, 'Stewart or McAvoy?' That's just low, reference humor," you know you're either full of shit, or you wouldn't know a joke if John Belushi came up to you and spit one into your face like a giant creme-puff zit.

On to the plot! Deadpool is all about a mercenary named Wade Wilson who takes jobs killing or intimidating assholes, and who loves to get drunk in his time off at a merc-filled dive bar, and bang gorgeous hookers on federal holidays. Soon though, all of Wade's awesome life is thrown into a garbage truck when it's discovered that he has cancer. Like, all over. He has it in his brain, his lungs, his liver and his testicles. He's boned.

It's during this, his darkest hour, that he's approached by some weird, shady man in a dark suit who makes him an offer that he does initially refuse: take an experimental drug that will turn him into a super-healing super-soldier and become a superhero.

Deadpool, Bea Arthur, and the Golden GirlsWell, things don't go so well for Wade after he eventually signs up for this procedure, and he finds himself a guinea pig in a man named Ajax/Francis' evil lab, being turned into a super-deformed (think the Incredible Melting Man) slave instead of a hero. So Wade blows up the place, gets free, and soon starts hunting down Francis by finding and questioning the evil British douche's peons one by one.

Along the way, Wade (now going by the name Deadpool) meets up with the X-Men's Colossus, who constantly tries to get the newly minted (and super-healing) mutant to join Charles Xavier's vigilante superhero team. Colossus also wants Deadpool to start doing "the right thing" and stop murdering people, but Deadpool just has too much fun doing what he's doing, and he doesn't really listen to the big chrome Russian all that much.

That's pretty much the movie... There's no grand Shakespeare-like plot, no genre-bending twists, no nothing. Just a good old-fashioned American action, bloody, titties-filled, and humorous movie. And I must reiterate: Deadpool is one of the funniest movies ever made. The lines and jokes are near constant, especially in the middle of a heated gun or sword battle. It's like the script was written for Groucho Marx at times, the way Wade and his fellow degenerates shoot the shit back and forth like pros. And there's some great visual humor throughout the flick too. Like Deadpool punching and kicking with all his might the invulnerable Colossus over and over again, and the whole cabbie subplot. Oh, and lest we forget the literal tons of fanboy references peppered into the Deadpool stew to keep even the most drooling, acne-festering, fat, fat, greasy, and retarded comic book aficionado pleased. All the shit mocking earlier Marvel movies, the shitty Deadpool toy from the shitty Wolverine movie, Deadpool's weird infatuation with Hugh Jackman, and even Bob - Agent of Hydra. They threw everything, EVERYTHING into this puppy, and it shows.

The amount of love that this movie was made with, and the amount of unadulterated FUN that you just know everybody on the production had while actually filming it, it's all up there on the screen. And yes, to fully appreciate it, you will probably have to see this movie at least twice. You will miss lines and references the first time you see it just by laughing too hard through certain scenes. Hell, I'm already planning a return trip to the cinema for this upcoming weekend.

So, was there anything that I DIDN'T like about Deadpool, you ask like a partially mongoloid fanboy who has a hatred of all nerdy things that go mainstream? Yes. I didn't like that certain things from that leaked movie script from 6 years ago were not in the final product. I really wanted there to be a celebrity deadpool going on in Sister Margaret's School for Wayward Girls merc bar. The bits in the script about how Amy Winehouse is Deadpool's pick, but she just barely keeps surviving getting killed throughout the story was the funniest part. But alas, she really did die, so you can't put that shit in a movie. But seriously, why not just switch it to Lindsay Lohan instead? Or Justin Bieber? He's kind of a mess now, right? But yeah, that's pretty much it. That and the giant finale gun-battle that played out in the original treatment, but alas Fox slashed that $7million from the budget at the last minute... Not that the filmed ending was a bag of diarrhea — as it wasn't — just that it could have been that much more spectacular if Deadpool hadn't "forgotten his bag o' weapons."

Whatever. I'm over it.

So there you go. Deadpool was worth the 6-year wait, and I only hope we get Deadpool 2 (with Cable!) in two or so years time.

Now I will gladly go eat a skunk's ass and follow it with a Rolling Rock, just like the Angry Video Game Nerd would do.

I give Deadpool 4 out of 4 Golden Girls! Nuff said.


What?! They gave that degenerate, Wade Wilson, a movie? At least the guy playing me in my movies is 10Xs hotter than Ryan Reynolds.... No, 100Xs hotter! And he has a better body... And sexier abs... And a much tighter ass... And much better hair.......

JEAN! JEEEEEEEAN! I'm starting to question it again, Jean! JEEEEEEEEEEEEAN!

Colossus wanted to be in this movie, and we let him, but I would not cameo in it. Nor would I allow my actor who plays me to appear in it. No way... No how... Not even if he and Ryan Reynolds started making out. I mean ESPECIALLY if they started making out. Without shirts.... Um, I'll just give this movie 1 out of 4 Force Blasts from my eyes... No, that doesn't mean I'm winking at Ryan Reynolds...


Deadpool possibly one of the funniest movies made, right after Blazing Saddles, or Young Frankenstein. 

I love that the film blazed the way for comic-sourced origin material that is aimed at an adult audience, and it didn't sorta-kinda flip flop. It is totally made for adults and is actually true to the over-all feeling of the main character they were trying to bring to life. I loved Deadpool's mask animation as well. It made his costume complete, in my humble opinion. In the comics his eyes are so expressive. If you're gonna take an actor who is really good looking and make him fugly as fuck and wear a mask and a skin-tight leather suit, I appreciate that they got that little detail right. 

After the first big screen appearance from Deadpool (that fans choose to pretend never happened) it sounded like a ballsy move to use the same actor in this reboot. But this film proved it was bad writing, directing, and shoddy cinematic planning that made the once and future great character as lovable as a wet dead rat stuffed into your mouth by your precious pet cat. But good casting was never the issue. Some casting agent was like "I told you asshats it wasn't my fault. #Vindication." 

All and all I loved the movie. I hate that soggy, non-geeks are bitching about Deadpool's R rating, and how comic movies should all be kid friendly. Listen, do a little research before flipping your shit, people. The Deadpool comics that they are trying to capture the essence of are not for children. If your kid can't go see this movie then they probably shouldn't be reading the comics too (maybe). Your lack of information just means you are failing at being an informed parent. And to that mom who brought her 8 year-old son to our showing, but then dragged him out of the theater after only 5 minutes yelling "Why is Spider-Man so dirty in this terrible movie?!" go fuck yourself. 

And remember, too many rhinestones and you'll look like a chandelier. I myself aim to dress like something sacked from the Czar's place threw up on me. So my recommendation is to squeeze into your favorite pair of bedazzled denim leg coverings and get yourself a ticket to spend 2 hours with everyone's favorite merc with a mouth! I give this movie two thumbs up! Just like Bea Arthur would have.