 The Sci-Fied
ROSSMANI go into most movies with fairly low expectations.
I do this in order to (hopefully) be pleasantly surprised if
and when the movie does not indeed suck. This mentality has
served me well over the years, especially when it comes to sci-fi
movies and their many unnecessary sequels. For example, I enjoyed
The Chronicles of Riddick for the sheer over-the-top
funness of the whole thing. Sure, it's been done before. Yes,
it was kind of silly in parts. And of course, it wasn't Shakespeare.
But because I went in thinking "this movie is going to
blow King Kong" I was able to come out of it with a smile
on my face after finding out that it did NOT suck the grime
off of a giant gorilla's manhood. Now, I did the same mental
preparedness for Alien Vs Predator. I told
myself, "Holy shit, this is going to suuuuuuuuuuck! Not
only did Predator 2, Alien3
and Alien Resurrection stink of fresh dog droppings,
but to put those two (once glorious) title creatures, each from
rated R movies, into one PG-13 film written and directed by
the guy who did Soldier?! That's the Hindenberg
all the fuck over again! Just with more 'Oh the HUMANITIES!!'."
Well, because of my pre-movie mental awareness
I was able to come out of AVP very surprised.
I was so completely surprised that it could SUCK more than what
I thought was possible. I haven't seen (nor will I ever) Catwoman,
but I'm willing to believe that AVP sucked
more. How can this be, you ask? Well, because Catwoman
had absolutely NOTHING going for it. Yeah, Holly Berry's hot
and all, but the costume looked fecking ridiculous, the CG in
the commercials looked like an 8th grader did the rendering
(and they usually put the best effects in the promos), and it
didn't even have Batman in it for a cameo (word was the WB execs
were going to force the Catwoman crew to make
a cameo for the dark knight, but then they saw how shitty the
movie was and didn't want to link it to their next uber Batman
flick, Batman Begins). There were NO expectations
for Catwoman. Alien Vs Predator
however, had the potential to be a fanboy's wet dream
come true.
See, the original Alien movie
still scares the crap out of me when I watch it in the dark
at 3 in the morning. Aliens turned the coolness
factor of the original up to 100% and made itself into an "alien war movie"
with tons more of what we, the viewers, actually wanted. The
first Predator is one of the coolest sci-fi/action
movies ever made. It's got Arnold, Jesse the Body Ventura, Apollo
Creed, little Painless, and the baddest intergalactic hunter
since Boba Fett. Stan Winston did a fantastic job on the creature's
body and face. The predator's muscles look real. His face actually
looks alive! AVP, a movie that featured
both the ferocious chest-bursting bastards and the light-bending
badasses actually fighting the shit out of eachother, could
have been THE MOST PANTS-GIZZINGLY GEEKY EXPERIENCE EVER...
If done by James Cameron or John McTiernan. Unfortunately, the
job went to ol' Paul W.S. Anderson. My God, what have they done....
I'm gonna ruin the movie for you to show you why
it sucked. Since you shouldn't pay to see this garbage anyway,
I recommend you continue reading. Okay, so supposedly the predators
have been visiting Earth for thousands of years and they're
responsible for the technological advancement of mankind. I
can buy that, that's cool. They built maze-like pyramids on
Earth in order to give their young ones a "right of passage"
hunt against imported alien spawn. I'm getting a boner just
thinking about how cool THAT actually is. The predators this
time though have some annoying and stupid human SCIENTISTS (not
marines or green berets or rangers... scientists) bungling up
their attempts to hunt the aliens that were let loose into the
pyramid and feces hits the fan and covers the room in a green-glowing
acidy glop. Ummm, no.
Not only were the human scientists not cool (well,
Charles Bishop Weyland was the only nonretard there,
but he's fucking Bishop, man!) but they were annoying. If
they only had one Dutch, or one Ripley with them...
And no, that Ice-climber human chick was no Ripley. Not even
close.
So it's not the plot that I didn't like (I was
kinda jazzed about the whole idea and set up), it was the execution
of it... And the executions IN it. The way that they hack up
two predators right off the fucking bat... Bullshit. The way
that aliens pop out of their hosts ten minutes after the facehugger
shoves it down their throats... Bad storytelling. The way the
aliens grow to adulthood in about a minute... I'll punch Wes
in the face for that. The way the queen is three stories tall...
Did Anderson even SEE the previous movies? And what about the
predator effects?!?! This is probably what ticked me off the
most. I had just watched the original Arnold movie 3 days before
seeing AVP, and Stan Winston's monster was
still incredible, almost 20 years after its original creation.
That movie was made for something like $16 million, and they
could still afford GREAT creature FX. Now, I'm beyond glad that
they didn't use computer generated predators for AVP,
but they could have at least put some time and money into the
creatures' faces! They looked plastic and fake. Soooooo fucking
fake. The mouths and mandibles of the predators looked so much
worse than they did in the 86 movie. That alone took me out
of the film. My suspension of disbelief was shat upon when
the predator first took off his mask. Who the FUCK greenlighted
this movie with Anderson in charge?! I want his fucking nuts
on the barbeque grill (not to eat them, you sick fucks, just
to watch him writhe in as much pain as I was in after seeing
them destroy such a great premise).
I guess AVP will go on my list
of "movie sequels that never really happened," which
now includes The Phantom Menace, Robocop
3, Jaws 2 - 4, and all odd numbered
Star Treks... And that shitty last even numbered
one. Crikey!
So, what did I think of Alien Versus
Predator? I have to give it a 5.0000002 out
of 12.54 Rossman Sci-Fi Stars of Awesomenicity. It
had such potential.... Such potential.
And like FUNG the aliens would have ripped through
the predator force so fucking easily! BUUUUUULLSHIAT!
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