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Marvel's Avengers

The Avenging ROSSMAN

Ho. Lee. Fuck. Ing. Shit.

How the hell was this allowed to happen? How did all the stars align like this? How did they set up each of Marvel's mightiest heroes in their own individually awesome films and then combine them all into one uber-fantastic feature co-written and directed by Joss "Totally Deserves His Sweaty Dong Sucked" Whedon, and NOT have the Earth explode in a giant ball of Godly jizz? It should never have happened... We, as a species, should never have attained this level of pure awesomeness this early on in our development. Maybe in another 1500 years.... Just not now. I totally feel like we don't deserve Marvel's Avengers movie. I simply feel so unworthy.

So, if you recall, it all started with Iron Man being brought to cinematic life back in 2008. I thought that was a total fluke. At the time, I believed that the fun story, RDJ's awesomely slick Tony Stark, and the inclusion of Sam Jackson as Nick Fury (in the small cameo at the end) were just ingredients for a one-time-only applause-worthy feature that would soon be forgotten as the rest of the planned Marvel-united movies unfurled. But The Incredible Hulk, Iron Man 2, Thor, and of course Captain America: The First Avenger all pretty much knocked their superheroic balls outside of the proverbial megapark.

So, you say that you're up to date on all the previous make-mine-Marvel movies that I just mentioned in the paragraph above, and now you wonder just how they work themselves into a sweaty superhero lather in one complete avenging package without contradicting everything that came before?... Well, thanks to Buffy the Vampire Slayer's Joss Whedon, they all fit together like a jigsaw puzzle that forms a picture of a gorgeous naked woman rubbing up against a statue of her own hot self. (Meaning fan-fucking-tastically.) See, everything that came before in the earlier Marvel movies pays off here... Tony Stark's ARC Reactor from Iron Man; the Tesseract and Hydra's weapons research from Captain America; Bruce Banner's knowledge of Gamma radiation and the super soldier serum from The Incredible Hulk; and Thor's very presence, along with his adopted brother's Destroyer robot from Thor all play a major role in the events that take form in Avengers. And beyond the reasons for all these differing superheroes being in one story, the way that they're portrayed and the screen time that each is given are remarkable! Meaning that Cap, Tony, Brucie, and Odinson each gets a comparable shot at being the leading man, and they each kick an extraordinary amount of ass in this show.

SEMI-SPOILERS

Okay, so we start off at a SHIELD science branch building (and if you don't know what SHIELD is, fuck you) where the Tesseract is being tested, poked, and prodded by Nick Fury's crew, when Loki (god of mischief and other douchebaggery) somehow powers the cosmic cube up and pops up out of seemingly thin air in front of Director Fury and a butt-load of his top agents and scientists. The Norse god turns a bunch of men to his side with his glowy spear, steals the Tesseract, and causes the destruction of the entire base. This pisses Sam Jackson Fury off but fierce, and he starts calling in the biggest guns in the world to help track down the god and his stolen tech, and beat the shit out of him if they can.

Eyepatch Jackson has Iron Mans, Captain Americana, Bruce Banner's giant green penis, Agent Phil Coulson, and Black Widow's beautiful leather-clad ass all gathered in the unbelievably cool SHIELD helicarrier, and then they're off to beat the fuck out of Loki when he reappears as a diversion for his cronies to steal some shit he needs in order to use the Tesseract to open a giant portal to an alien dimension where a shit-ton of evil invaders (unfortunately not the Skrulls, but the Chitauri [sp?, aw, who cares — not the Skrulls]) plan to pour through and enslave a wussy Earth. Loki would then get a ticket back to Asgard where he could then become a douchebag thorn in his father's side all over again.

During this time though, Thor comes into play (how he made it back to Midgard [aka Earth] after the Rainbow Bridge was totaled at the end of his titular movie is only chalked up to "Odin used his power to do so" in the write-off of the year), then there's the required "heroes beat the piss out of each other before realizing they're all on the same team" scene (which is beyond titty-fuckingly awesome), and then we begin to see Loki's well-choreographed and twisted plans come to fruition as he sets up and then kicks events off that will eventually cause the destruction of a major metropolis and a battle royale of the galactic stars that will make the average viewers lactate from wanting to bear Tony Stark's, Captain Hammer's, Hulk's, Agent Coulson's, and Thor's love children. Even the men.

SPOILERS OVER

I am so absolutely fucking glad that Marvel/Disney got Joss Whedon to make this movie. He's one of the only people I know who would have said "No, it CAN'T be just a regular aircraft carrier, it HAS to be a HELIcarrier because.... Just because it does. That's what it is. And YES, we have to have a major beloved character's death because that's what I do, and it's needed to unite the team and make them see their petty squabbles mean jack shit when faced with this kind of big bad. And yes, I'M allowed to use the term 'big bad' because I fucking invented it! Now BACK OFF and let me do my shit! Comprende?!" Joss proved that he knows the characters and the Marvel Universe as well as any and all of the greasy-faced, 400 pound, shut ins of the world; if the powers that be choose to go in another direction with the director of the inevitable Avengers 2 there will be global mutiny... Led by me.

I really don't know what else to say about Marvel's Avengers... It's probably THE perfect superhero movie. No, not the greatest movie ever made (that's still Raiders of the Lost Ark), but a damn solid flick, and the perfect team-oriented big screen super adventure. I am still in absolute AWE that everything worked out as perfectly as it did in this thing. The team play, the action (oh GOD, the glorious action!!!), the lines (of which Hulk gets the best ones), the drama, the comedy.... Everything is so amazingly well constructed, choreographed, and acted. There's this one camera shot in the final big battle wherein we see two heroes fighting the wave of bad guys side-by-side, then the camera swoops up to the rooftops to see another hero kicking unholy ass, then we're following another tag team fighting upon the back of a giant invader, only to fly over to a tower where the big bad and a big good are beating each other down like two drunks in a bum-fight... When I took a step back I realized that what I was seeing was an honest to God two-page splash of an uber-fight straight from the pages of a mighty Marvel comic. Whedon is such a brilliant genius.

Avengers assemble for dinnerOh, and one more thing...

SLIGHT SPOILERS

The set up for Avengers 2 in the end credits?.... Beautiful! When the Other tells the shrouded figure that Loki lied to them, and that the Earthlings are much more powerful than they were led to believe. And "to challenge them is to COURT DEATH..." and then Thanos turns around and smiles at the mention of courting Death.... I jizzed in my pants for the 12th time during the course of the film. Then I did it again with the Shawarma scene.

SLIGHT SPOILERS OVER

So in the end, what did I think of Marvel's Avengers? I was terrified that it wouldn't live up to my own super-hyped expectations... I worried for naught. It was HUGE, it was fast, it was fun as hell, it was amazing to look at, and THAT guy over there is STILL playing Galaga. But I find that I have to give this whole production a shiny new A++. It's the film that ALL superhero movies will now have to aim for... The bar has been set terribly high I'm afraid.


CUPCAKE

With the Avengers being a long-loved nerd staple there may have been some apprehension about whether or not this fan classic could have ever lived up to the seemingly unattainable expectations leveled upon it, but as a geek girl in training I can say without reservations that FUCK YES it does!

And I don't just applaud the hot, muscular guys in the ridiculously tight, butt-molded, figure-flattering super suits (that you'd mock them for wearing if they didn't possess super-human strength.... or look so damn good in them), nope... This whole movie rocked my titties like you wouldn't believe! The film had chops, Hulk was funny as hell, and you were assaulted with more action during its 2 hour runtime than a well-worn hooker in Amsterdam's red light district on a Shriners convention weekend!

I would say that I think I'd even pay to see it twice! Marvel's Avengers is so worth forking over the outrageous admissions price for the big screen experience and the shitty 3D glasses... but I'm sneaking in the Avengers-motifed snacks next time. Bite me, theater owners! $5 for a tiny bag of Sour Patch Kids? I'm spending $2 for a 7-pound bag of Hulk-themed peanut M&Ms next time! Hulk will SMASH my intestines for sure!

I really, really liked this movie. I give it a thumb up, and think that I may even pay for the Rossman's ticket the second time around!


HULK

Hulk SMASH shitty reviewers who no like Hulk in movie! Hulk even shave own balls for nude scene Whedon man make cut from movie! RRRAAAAAARRRRRGH! Hulk clip scrotum too! Hulk suffer for art! No say Hulk not know how to act!...

Hulk even do gay love scene with Robert Downey Jr., even when all camera people gone... And director too.... And all other actors........ Wait! NOOOOOOOOO!!!! RAAAAAAAAAAAWWWRRRRR! Now Hulk REALLY MAD!!!

Hulk like movie he star in, but Hulk now HATE Iron Man! RAAWRGH!!!!!