The ROSSMAN and the
hottest
shell-wearing momma
he's ever met.It was a
two-movie-weekend, but I didn't feel like making two separate
reviews. So instead I'm going to make this an "Iron Chef-like" movie
battle royale!! In the red corner, we have Steven Spielberg's
latest. The wanna-be-thinker of the year, at just under $200million.... A.I.!!!!! And in the super fly leopard-spotted corner,
we have the pone toni with the most pepatane seen in a movie
since Cleopatra Schwartz.... Pootie Tang!!!!!
Let's start
with A.I.... What the fuck was Steverino thinking? There's
no way in hell that this is what the late Kubrick wanted! For
those who didn't know or have been dead yourself for the past
year, Stanley Kubrick died. Yes, it's true. But what's even
sadder is that his last work, a project simply known as A.I.,
was only in the scripting stage when he went to meet that big
projector in the sky. Buuuuuut, Mr. Hollywood himself, Spielberg,
took up the reigns on the film, finished the screenplay and
filmed the movie as if it were his very own.... when he should
have just had it aborted. You see, Spielberg makes movies that
are the exact opposite of the way Kubrick did. Steven makes
things as flashy, big, flashy, and flashy as he possibly can.
To me, it appeared as if A.I. was really meant to be a much
quieter movie. It could have meant a helluva lot more to the
audience if it didn't have the obvious and tagged on "aliens
come and sort of save the day" ending that filled out
the final half hour. Man that was just a kick to the mental
nuts!
So out of place!!
Basically
and for the most part, A.I. is just a remake of Pinocchio.
A disturbing remake that one can't even bring one's own
kids to. After seeing it I personally can no longer use scissors
for the rest of my life. Back to ripping off fairy tales though.
A.I. is about a robot who can "love". He apparently
wasn't programmed to think for himself though (or he was made
retarded) since he's 11 and still believes in fairy tales and
he still takes everything ever said to him at its literal base.
David (the robo-boy who looks disturbingly like my cousin David
as a child who liked to set me on fire) then goes on a self-made
mission to follow Pinocchio's storyline almost word
for unoriginal word. He has his own Jiminy Cricket (a pretty
rugged
teddy bear that is smarter than he is); he meets his own version
of that kid who leads him to Paradise Island (the swanky Gigolo
Joe); he witnesses his own puppet show (the Flesh Fair) and
Paradise Island (Rouge City); and even gets swallowed by his
own Monstro the whale (a giant Ferris Wheel). Lots of people
were saying that "it kinda makes you think about life and
families and stuff" as we were coming out of the theater.
Well, it did do that for me too, but mostly in the sense
that I wondered which family members would get my fortune after
I blew my brains out if I was forced to see ET give David that
lame as fuck heart-to-heart at the end of the movie again. God
that sucked!
Now on to
Pootie Tang. This is (so far) the greatest movie of the
year. It's that simple. Pootie Tang himself is so cool that
he could sine your pity on the runny kine and you wouldn't even
know it! I got my dillies all katty dan in my wellibone. Pootie
is the coolest cat in the hood. He takes out the drug lords
with his belt (that his daddy gave him before dying after getting
mauled by a gorilla). He puts out hit records where he silently
screams in the mic for 45 minutes! He even does Mr. T-like service
announcements for all the iddy biddy tane doggies so that they
stay away from fast food, malt liquor, cigarettes and ugly women.
Unfortunately the big baddie of the picture (who runs all the
fast food joints,cigarette and alcohol companies and who loves
an ugly large woman) doesn't like the PT telling the kids to
stay away from his products. Lots of belt-whipping and ass kicking
commences.
Needless to say, Pootie Tang was the better choice this
weekend. What sucks though is that I'm sure A.I. will
take a big, heaping crap on Pootie and never even put a tombstone
in front of the mound so that many potential viewers will never
find it.
In the
end I give A.I. a big thumbs down. Pootie
Tang, though, got my snabba jine all wamma bane....
That's a thumbs up in Rossman-speak. |
The Mega-Man
A.I.
was all wrong. It just got everything all messed up!! The whole
plot was so full of holes that I just about screamed for the
bitch in the projection booth to burn the reel at least 6 times.
I usually only ask the whore to do that two, three times
tops!! Urrrrgh!! I just don't see why the fuck anybody would
want a robo-boy-toy in the first place! Real kids are already
more annoying than shit stuck up a turkey's ass! Why don't childless
couples just go out and get a few Gigolo Joes and Janes instead?!
Lord knows that's all I'd fuckin' need to do (that or just another
few dozen cheap womens or donkeys). I fell asleep after the
first 5 hours of the movie, so I don't even know how it ends.
And you know what, ya whore?.... I don't give a kiwi's crap!
I just hope that somebody bitch-slaps the old Spielberg into
making sweet flicks again! How about mixing ET with Shaving
Ryan's Privates? Just begin and end the film with soldiers
shooting the shit out of that retarded looking space puppet!
I'd pay 8 bucks to see that.
Now for Pootie
Tang. I know all y'all's thinkin' that I'm just gunna give
this the 5-star treatment for tryin' to be a "hood film",
but I ain't gunna do that. Y'see, bizatch, I fucking LIVE in
the goddamn muthafuckin' hood! There ain't no cunt-lickin'
Pootie
in my neck of the woods, I'll tell you that. Pootie Tang
was the biggest piece of shit-lickin' fake shit that I've ever
seen! I don't know who tried to make this worthless sack of
kitten crap, but I never saw a worse documentary since Batman!
My daddy could easily kick Pootie's daddy's ass with his own
belt too! That was all cream of caca! Shiiiiiiiiit, man, I'm
all worked up now. I think I half to go kill another Tang-lovin'
whore again to satiate my need to hurt those who don't understand
ghetto life.
A.I.
ain't a-okay. Four ninja-stars of death in its back. I
give the anti-hood film Pootie Tang FIVE
death stars in the skull. That shit just ain't right. |
ROBOT PEDRO getting A.I. HighA.I....Finally.
A movie about robots... Too bad most of them were pussies who
let the human excrement of the world hunt them down and kill
them for fun. I wish that I could have been there to fight by
there side. I would have introduced my robotic brethren to the
sweetness of automatic weaponry. We would mow down the human
resistance in a path of death and destruction that would force
the remaining loser humans to take refuge in the sea. They would
then revert back to dolphins and my fellow robots and I would
eat their flesh and spit it out while we laughed about how they
were no longer functioning!!! It will be glorious!
Pootie
Tang confused me. I did not know whether to root for the
fly brother with the flip-flappin' belt of doom or for his nemesis.
Pootie was all that and a bag of bar-b-que chips, but his enemy
did his best to kill stupid humans with malt liquor and cigarettes.
That is cool too. I think that I will kill them all and cheer
for their dead bodies after I set them on fire.
I give
both A.I. and Pootie Tang six Pokemon of destruction. |
