The Vampish ROSSMAN

Vampire. The first thing that pops up in the mind of the Westerner when the word "vampire" is spoken is probably an old and crusty "Dracula" or a bald, and creepy "Nosferatu". But, when the word "vampire" is spoken to a Japanese video game or anime producer, the first thing to pop up in their minds is "hot chick vampire with huge tits cock suck!" And God bless them for this.

Shingetsutan Tsukihime is the newest anime vampire series from the land of the rising sun. It is also a *ahem* dating sim (aka "hentai sex game for hard-up Japanese losers who can't get up the nerve to pay for a hooker, let alone grow the coconuts to ask a real girl out on a date"). It was a game first, and then it was turned into a 12 episode TV show, just with most of the naughty bits taken out of the plot for general public consumption. Granted, most hentai games turned into non-pr0n anime have sucked the milky white substance that usually coats the female characters' crotches during the love scenes in the games from which they originally came from. Kanon, Green Green and To Heart being prime examples. They proved that the only thing that the original games really had going for them was the hard core bumping and grinding. Take that away and the characters and plot just stink (Kanon honestly made me wish that all the female characters would die in a horrible school bus/interstate pile-up/nuclear bomb mishap and thus leave the main boy character to stick an exacto knife straight through his eye out of dispair and boredom... A show filled with cute girls with big tits should NOT make one wish this). But Tsukihime was different. It's story was pretty good and most of the characters didn't grate on your nerves like brushing with razor-wire would grate on your teeth... unlike To Heart, who's cast most definitely did.

Truthfully, even if I had not been told ahead of time what it's background was, I'm pretty sure I could have guessed that Shingetsutan Tsukihime was originally a dating sim. But going in already knowing this I just wanted to shout out "Oh, man, you just know that he did her at this point in the game," and "Dammit! I wish this was the game! I would definitely have chosen 'Put It In' right when she said that!"

Some of the giveaways to its hentai past are as follows (you'll feel pretty silly that you didn't see these before): First of all, THERE ARE TWIN MAIDS that "serve" our hero, Tohno Shiki (THE COMPLETE AND TOTAL WUSS HERO, made in the likeness of 95% of all Japanese men in order to get them to sympathize with him and buy this stuff), and his sister, Tohno Akiha, IN THEIR RECLUSIVE MANSION. Shiki HAD AN ACCIDENT about eight years ago, when he was ten (WHICH MAKES HIM 18 NOW), and he CAN'T SEEM TO REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED around that time. Also, Shiki and Akiha ARE ORPHANS WITH NO GUARDIANS, and at the beginning of the tale SHIKI IS FORCED TO MOVE IN WITH HIS SISTER WHOM HE HAS NOT SEEN FOR YEARS. This is all well and good, but for those of you not in the hentai-game "know", this obviously means that SHIKI AND AKIHA ARE NOT REALLY SIBLINGS. Hindsight is 20/20, isn't it. On top of all that, Shiki HAS A SPECIAL ABILITY THAT NOBODY ELSE HAS; he HAS AN EVEN DORKIER FRIEND THAN HIMSELF who just wants to see his buddy get laid; Shiki is SURROUNDED BY CUTE CLASSMATES WHO HAVE THE HOTS FOR HIM, one of whom being a WARRIOR NUN; and let's not forget Arcueid (Alucard?) Brunestud, the MYSTERIOUS GIRL WITH A MYSTERIOUS BACKGROUND AND MYSTERIOUS GLOWY EYES, WHO ORIGINALLY HATES SHIKI, BUT THEN LEARNS TO LOVE HIM. In the end, I was just totally surprised that there was no horny school nurse, teacher, hot aunt, or perverted "step mother" involved in the whole thing.

But, back to the review. Tsukihime is all about our main man, Shiki. Shiki can see "lines" in everything around him ever since he had that "accident" when he was a child. If he cuts the lines on any object or being, it falls apart or dies. So Shiki, to keep from going mad, has to wear a pair of magical spectacles given to him by a wandering mage... Apparently the game goes more into this, but that's all the anime has to offer. From there we jump several years to the future to when Shiki is living far away from the Tohno family mansion. After the death of his father, the rich family that Shiki is a part of is almost gone, leaving only him and his sister as the sole heirs to the family fortune... and curse! Bwa ha ha ha!!! So, Shiki moves back to the mansion to keep his weird sister and her two twin maids company. This is pretty much where I guarantee the sexual hijinks erupted in the game. But I digress. So, Shiki's in the mansion, his sister levies a bunch of rules and regs on him "to keep him safe", and then Shiki goes out and KILLS A GIRL by slicing her up into 17 or so pieces with his "eye curse" and a groovy switchblade. But then the girl comes back to life and starts to haunt our pathetic hero.

See, Arcueid is a vampire. She's actually an uber-vamp. She's one of the purebloods, and not just a turned human. Kind of like in Blade. Anyway, she's a Shinso (true vamp) and she's out to hunt down all the turned vamps (aka Shito... sound familiar?) because she... Well, because it would have been boring if she didn't have a job to do. But soon we get an evil, reincarnating devil-bastard, an undead warrior nun, and some incredible chick rivalries thrown into the whole mix... Which is all good. Seriously, I was pretty impressed with the way that the whole story was told. It was like an odd mix of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the TV show, not the movie), Divi-Dead, and what I'm guessing the plot to that movie Mean Girls is all about (i.e. "mean girls"). But let me tell you something, I was with it the whole time. I couldn't believe how fast I rushed through the full series. My only disappointment was that they didn't make like an x-rated version for DVD release. You know, with all the dirty dirty scenes edited back in that they couldn't even show on Japanese TV. All the body-boinging and the sucky sucky that I guarantee you filled the game from start to finish. And although the ending to the anime was good, I definitely would have chosen the ending with Satsuki if given a multi-branching option. Damn, she was cute.

One more thing before I wrap this up, I only just found out a little while ago that Tsukihime was originally a DOUJIN game.. Which means that it was made by fans and not professionals. That's pretty damn impressive. From the twisty-turny plot to the character designs to the drama that oozed out of it like something out of a really disgusting Water Closet-type H game (yeah, you know that you know what I'm talking about), everything felt, well, professional. Good job, you perverted fanboys, you.

So, what did I think of the anime Shingetsutan Tsukihime? I thought it was pretty damn good. Very moody, very disgusting at points (from violence, not anything pervy), but very entertaining. If Tsukihime was a woman, I'd hit it. I give it 3.35 out of 4 Rossman Stars of Ecchiness. Go forth and expand yon minds. And get the groovy piano and violen-filled soundtrack while you're at it. It's funktastique. Now I have to go out and find a copy of Melty Blood so that I can use Arcueid to beat the ever living shit out of that pussyboy, Shiki, over and over again. Ciao!

The Unholy SATAN

Damn you, Roa! You were like my ace in the hole for the destruction of Japan, and you got fucking raked by a skinny, pussy, pansy in "special needs" glasses!!! Arrrrgh!! God the Japanese suck!

Not to mention that my main vampire bitch, Arcueid, fucking stopped drinking blood and turned to hunting her own sired down like diseased dogs... Shades of Angel/Angelus, anyone? How unoriginal.

I had plans, big plans, for the perversion and conquest of Japan. I was going to use that island nation's need of perverted poontang to destroy them all. First I had some blue-balled fanboys program a hentai game based around my bad boy Roa, and his body jumping personality. But those computer pervs distorted the whole thing, made Roa a pansy, Arcueid a whipped pussy, and made the lamest assfuck this side of Forrest Gump the "hero". And then Roa saw the game, lost faith in himself, and got capped by some lonely yakuza cast-off who thought he was a "collector" in real life. Then the real life (well, unlife) Arcueid saw the Tsuki TV show and was so ashamed with the wuss that they turned her into that she staked herself in the heart with a broken crucifix (and no, I have no idea what the hell a crucifix was doing in Japan in the first place... those unholy heathens). Goddammit! Why do my best laid plans always get turned into horrible porn ideas by pathetic lonely humans?!?!?! Every single time!!!

I'm going to have to give this shit a thumbs down. True, evil is as evil does, but sucky evil just ain't really evil in my book. Bah!

The Bloody SKIPPER

Arrrrrrr. I remember the first time that I came across a hottie of a vampiress and had her proposition me the likes of which I'd never been propositioned before. She came on strong, but she kept a check on her feminine wiles. Arrrrr, she was a crafty one. She didn't want me blood or me bones to munch on, like I thought I had heard been done by her kind in the past. Instead, it was hard cold cash that she was searchin' for. Before she deflowered me that night, she deflowered my wallet like a fat Scotsman at an all you kin eat haggis buffet. That frigid bitch!... Then she tied me up, plugged me blow hole with her fist, and proceeded to rape the ever living shit out of me till I was begging for her frosty mercy. By the end of the night, me little Skipper was as raw as a cheese-grated flounder, me back was all whipped and bleeding, and me handcuffed hands and feet were going numb. The only thing I could think to do was propose to the cold bitch. Arrrrrrr, it must have been the spell of the vampiress... Wait a minute... Was she a "vampiress" or a "sadist"? I always get those two confused.

I give this perverted show a Skipper Sign of Seaworthiness. It was all well and good, but it did make me pine a bit for me dear sadistic Rosie. We would still be together if only I didn't have her shipped off to the white slave camps of the Congo when she took 2 days to untie me from that wooden horse on our honeymoon. Arrrrrrrr.

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