The GXP-O'd ROSSMAN

Let me be blunt. I'm only writing this review as a PSA (Public Service Announcement) for all the unfortunate peoples out there who think that Tenchi Muyo GXP is supposed to be a fun addition to the OVA World Of Tenchi... It is not. No matter what the advertisers may say, it is not. GXP is more of a bastard child to the Tenchi name than even the Shin Tenchi Muyo: Tenchi in Tokyo was.... Yeah. That incredibly and inhumanly bad.

Even if they had completely separated the GXP continuity from the glorious OVA timeline, I would still be inclined to bitch-slap this production around a bit just for it's horrid storytelling and fucktarded characters. First thing I should point out is that the director of Excel Saga is the guy in charge of GXP... Not bad news in and of itself, but he uses the same exact hyper and bizarre style that he used in ES in GXP. That slapstick pace is soooooo out of place in the original Tenchi universe (not Tenchi Universe the TV series, but the original OVA storyline... Follow?). GAH!! Seriously, what the fuck was AIC thinking?! This is their flagship title! Tenchi MADE them! Sure, over the years they've shat upon the Muyo in quite a few of their own productions (the aforementioned Shin Tenchi, Tenchi the Movie 2, and Mihoshi's Special are prime examples), but at least they had the common courtesy to pretend that those extensions were in alternate universes of sorts. But with GXP they blatantly advertised that it was one and the same with the original OVA storyline. That's like saying that The Phantom Menace is in the official Star Wars continuity. It's just wrong.

Why is it wrong, you ask? Well, I'm about to tell you in a completely spoiler filled review. A review that will make you understand just how hemorrhoid-suckingly bad the whole thing is, and hopefully save yourself time, money and sanity that you might have otherwise spent on this unholy abortion from Japan. Enjoy!

Things start off in GXP with one of Tenchi's younger friends (Seina Yamada, a 15 year-old Tenchi clone with a constant band-aid on his temple) biking around town while getting his ass handed to him by way of his bad luck. That's the basis of the show (at least up until the second to last episode where what little there is of a plot stops dead and insanely becomes something 10 times bigger and stupider... but I'm getting waaaaay too far ahead of myself, as per usual). Seina's bad luck is also contagious, as we see when his family's shop is wrecked just by his walking through the front door, and his best friend gets a dose of it due to a quick encounter with the pud. Soon though, Seina's luck seems to change when a Galaxy Police officer (Amane, the hot and toned blonde) mistakenly identifies Seina as a member of the Juraian Royal Family (i.e. one of Tenchi's inner group). Somehow Seina then gets inducted into the Galaxy Police Training program and hilarity does not ensue.

*Deeeeeep sigh* So, on the way to and finally at the GP Training Satellite, Seina runs into a space pirate named Ryoko (not our Ryoko, but a lame wannabe who named herself after the legendary blue-haired one), that gay pink-haired dude who challenged Tenchi for Ayeka's hand in the 13th OVA episode, some furry chick, his best friend's sister (his first crush who just so happens to be of the Masaki family and who's already a member of the GP), some hard-up fellow cadets, Mihoshi's clutsy mom, and some members of the official Juraian Royal Familia (most of whom are either close relatives of Yousho's or his wives..... yeah, I think you're beginning to understand the craptitude we're dealing with here). Okay, so Seina's starting the Galaxy Pig training program, fine. Whatever. This is when the whole "midichlorians" shitfest kicks in and totally ruins any specialness that Tenchi Masaki might have had going for him. It seems that everybody in the universe and their dog has been "upgraded" with nanomachines in order to be 10 times as strong and fast as regular beings on uncivilized worlds... So all of Tenchi Masaki's coolness and originality is flushed down the toilet, and for no good reason either. This "upgrading" doesn't even fit into the plot of the show!!! It's just there. Complete rubbish.

Okay, so Seina is bionicized and all that, but soon his bad luck is causing him and his new nose-bleeding amigos great grief (lots of explosions and stuff). So, for some reason, the Principal of the GP Academy lets Seina stay with three twenty-something hotties in a big mansion waaaay off campus. The three chicks are Amane, Kiriko (Seina's Earth friend's sister), and Ryoko (who's actually in disguise of that furry girl I mentioned earlier because the Pirate Guild ordered her to spy on Seina... mostly because the plot is lame). Then within 2 seconds of everybody moving in everybody falls hopelessly in love with Seina. For no goddamn reason at all. I'm serious, Seina is the world's biggest pussy. He's the kind of dipshit that even the nerdy girls with stains on their blouses and carrots in their braces make fun of in real life. Why ANYBODY is drawn to the scrawny wuss is beyond me. They never even explain it. They could have said that "a love field was formed around him due to his bad luck and the nanomachines in his blood" and I would have bought it! No effort at all is placed into telling us why three older hotties would even give the prepube dude a second glance let alone their hearts!! At least Tenchi Masaki had good reason's for his harem; Here, we are just forced to accept and endure it. It's gotta be the typical beat-down Japanese business man's dream. That's gotta be why all this harem anime is made revolving around the unlikeliest pusswad who ever stumbled backwards into a lady's locker room and then didn't know what to do with his camera-phone when he was staring 20 jubblies in the eyes. It's just so fucking L-A-M-E.

Shit... Where was I? Okay, so Seina moves into the mansion with the babes. Then he's made Captain of his own ship. Don't ask why, it's stupid. Then he runs into Ryo-Ohki. Then Washuu gives him a new Ryo-Ohki of his own despite the fact that back in OVA 13 she told Yousho's mother (the badass Queen herself) that she would never make another Ryoko or Ryo-Ohki ever again.... Ooooooookay? Then the Pirate Guild tries repeatedly to crush Seina because he's causing loads of them to be captured or blown up. Then the pink-haired gay guy turns against the GP and joins the Pirate Guild. Then gay Pinky fights Seina several times with "good luck" as his weapon of choice. Seina constantly wins of course. Soon a new girl is added to Seina's harem. She's a Juraian witch of some sort (I began to lose my focus at this point in the series, so thankfully no details), and only like 11 or 12 years old. Then Seina finds a giant, ancient robot thingy that only runs on Jurai Power, but he can somehow operate it, so of course that means he's next in line for the Juraian Throne...... I FUCKING KNOW! CHRRRRRRRRIST!! It completely analy rapes all the importance out of the OVAs! It turns all of the significant relationships into cheezy jokes!

If all that shit didn't seem completely retarded and horse-fuckingly moronic, then this last bit will do it for you: The end of the series takes place when all the girls who inexplicably love Seina MARRY THE FUCKER. Yup, a big ol' biggomy-styled Mormon wedding caps this mungfest off. And all is forgiven with the pink-haired dickhead who turned traitor on his own forces, and everybody else who was evil at any point in the show. Apparently the GP is more lenient on criminals than bleeding heart liberals.

Now, let me be frank with you; if Tenchi Muyo GXP had been a stand alone series (especially without even the "Tenchi" name attached to it) I might have enjoye-........ Naw, who am I kidding. This thing was a train wreck from the first minute it began. I'd rather watch a 60 year old whore covered in scabs and crabs gargle with gism she just sucked out of a 550lb sumo, himself suffering from puss-filled genital warts. I'd rather watch 13 hours of that than EVER have to watch GXP again. For those of you out there who were unfortunate to have seen GXP before reading my review, just imagine that it was all simply a horrible horrible fever dream. It never happened. Erase it from your memory. And for those of you who have yet to watch it and were looking forward to seeing the official Tenchi story go a bit further and reveal a bit more of the mysteries surrounding Washuu, Tenchi, Yousho, Ayeka, Ryoko, Tokimi and Sasami...this ain't for you. All this show does is fart in the face of the original OVA. It mocks it. It disses it more than all my old girlfriends diss me whenever I even pass them on the street and say "Hi" politely. Fuck them all to hell!

What did I think of Tenchi Muyo GXP? In the end I find that I must give it a 4 out of 625 Points of Tenchi Coolness. I shit on its grave.

The Prisoner of Her Own Doing,
SATAN

First I have to explain to you guys something. I'm not really into the whole "anime scene" as it were. Sure, I've seen Akira and Devilman (talk about false advertising), but that's pretty much it. So, when I asked the Rossman if there was any anime movie or show that would make the damned souls of hell pray for a couple hundred lashings from the Balrog's fire whip instead of watching, I was intrigued when he immediately spit out "Tenchi Muyo GXP! Fuck them all!!!"

So, being a bit of a masochist myself, I thought I'd give the whole thing a whirl to see just how much it would pain my eternal slaves. Christ on a stick!!! I wasn't prepared for the onslaught of horrible plotting, the overabundance of contrived relationships, the utter shittiness of the forced Three's Company styled mishaps!!!!... Whoever wrote this thing has got a standing offer for a permanent job in Hell if they want one.

I must give a thumb up and one down to GXP. It was sucky for me, but guess what you're watching for all eternity if you ever have a permanent layover in my domain, mortals.

No Need for ANGRY AMY

I got an envelope in the mail a few days ago. In it was a few DVDs with a letter that read, "Free TV show for Amy! Fun stuff!!... My God, I can't believe she's going to actually watch this piece of shit! I hope it hurts her more than it hurt me!" Yup, all of that was written there. I don't know if the Rossman was dumb enough to scrawl all that out himself or if he was dictating it to somebody even stupider than him, but there you go.

In case you couldn't tell, I threw the whole package away after I read the note. Fuck you, Ross.

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