 The Seed or Die ROSSMAN
Ever since
the greatest anime series ever made wrapped up (that would be
Giant Robo back in 1998), the entire world and I have
been waiting for a successor to the throne of "Earth's
Coolest Animation" to arrive. Then, in early 2001, Read
Or Die stepped forward. And we're still waiting.
Not to bash
it or anything, but ROD tried way too hard to be as cut-ass
rugged as Robo. The animation is beyond cool and some
of the characters are really engaging, but overall it just leaves
you flat.
Well, I think
that's too critical of me. I really enjoyed this three episode
OAV, but it simply needed a lot more time to mix everything
together. Everything felt rushed. The story felt like it could
have easily fit into a 6-13 episode series and filled it out
very satisfyingly.
The whole
thing goes something like this: The Royal British Library Division
of Special Operations has a bunch of super-powered ESPers working
for it who's main job at the moment includes collecting a bunch
of old books with special notes written in the margins that
the bad guys are after in order to make their nefarious plans
work. Lots of things blow up (including the White House), and
lots of fast paced and well choreographed fights (between good
and evil super-humans) errupt through out the story's hour and
a half runtime. It's these fights that make this show worth
a purchase. The ingenuity of the characters and the use of their
powers has to be seen to be believed.
First we
have the main player, Yomiko Readman (aka The Paper). Her special
power, other than being able to read old literature without
falling asleep, is the manipulation of paper. She can use sheets
of parchment to stop bullets, and make giant paper airplanes
and razor-sharp swords. Then we have her partner for this mission,
Ms. Deep (affectionately known to Yomiko by her first name,
Nancy). Ms. Deep can move through solid matter as if it were
melted butter. Melted butter that was like air. She can survive
40 story falls by phasing her way through the ground,
and she can reach into a person's body to knock him out or crush
a major organ. Bullets and fists pass right through her too,
when she doesn't want to be bothered with dying.
Then we have
the secondary characters and the bad guys.... Who are boring
as fuck. Read Or Die moves so fast and furiously that
we don't get to know anybody else. The entire point of why
the
bad guys are doing what they're doing and how they go about
it (the best way I can put it without spoilers) was barely
brushed
over. The overall horror of their plan was kind of just chalked
up to "Eh, that's pretty heinous... but what ya gunna
do?"
Despite ROD's
attempt to be like Giant Robo, the only thing they stole
from Imagawa's masterpiece was the use of super-powered humans
fighting eachother in blast-tastic battles. They missed the
drama and the monstrous scope of the GR production. Maybe
they'll get it right for the TV series.
What did
I think of ROD? After all is said and done I
find that I must give The Paper and company a 55 out of 67
Pages
of Progress. It was a fun ride with hep-tacular visuals
(including the best Statue of Liberty fight scene ever), but
there just wasn't enough to it that warranted a better rating.
Also, the animators who made it must really hate America.
What
with blowing up a good part of D.C., as previously stated,
and making the President a big pussy who wets his pants (literally)
several times when the bad guys look like they are going to
succeed with their plan. Fucking foreigners! I bet that George
W. could kick their Emperor's ass in a match of fisticuffs
with one leg tied behind his back and a rabid duck in his
shorts!
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The Tissue-Paper
MEGAPLAYBOY
"The
Paper?" "Joker?" "Ms. Deep?" Is this
a Batman themed porno or a bad anime? Most unfortunately, it
be the latter, homies. Some of the bitch-slappin' exploits
of those wigged out mutants was pretty fly and all, but it
just didn't pull me into it as fully as I needs ta be in order
to
say "Fuck me upside the head, whore! You better be watchin'
dis bad ass muthafuckin' show o' I'll give yo sorry face some
monster Tooth Fairy patrolin' de-teething!" For that to
happen a show needs at least one titty flash. Just one! Goddammit!
I mean, the
last time I saw a movie with a character named "Ms. Deep"
I needed the pause and rewind buttons along with a shitload
of replacement batteries for my remote control! That was a cap-up-the-asstastic
movie! See, there was this chick who worked as a shrink and
she liked to do the wild thing in her slutty time off. But one
day, this big black dude with a 'tude showed up for a psych
session. Well, that little ho could see the bulge in that guy's
jeans and she started gettin' all luscious and skanky! She started
to lick her lips... Oooooooh yeah! Then she grabbed her basketball
sized titties and ripped her muthafuckin' shirt off! She grabbed
the dude's package and yanked it out of his pants in one smooooooth
move. Then she got right too it and swallowed his whole damn
hoodilly in one gulp! That guy was crying with pleasure like
a bitch-hankerin' bulldog lost in a poodle factory! He said,
"Damn, bitch! You got all of that down?! You must be Miss
Deep, ya goddamn whore!" I had to watch that part
at least 20 damn times afore I could believe it! Lord knows
we
needs more quality movies like that shit!
Read
Or Die should just curl
up and die
for not caterin' to my special needs. I gives it a
thumbs down. I did appreciates the James Bondsian opening theme
muzak, but that ain't enough to get me all riled up over. Especially
when there ain't no Pussy Galore anywhere to be found.
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Mr. Creep (aka ROBOT PEDRO)
Read Or
Die. Wow. That is like what I always tell the Rossman. "Read
me a bedtime story, inferior hu-man... Or DIE!!" I will
also tell him to buy me things... Or DIE!!! Like that one time
that I was running low on basball bats and axes and I had a
killing spree planned that night. I was going crazy. It was
not pretty. I was so upset that I could not even step on any
cats to crush their bones. I hate cats. I truly do. They are
the most amazingly annoying animal ever made. Well, next to
homo sapien.
One time
I got this email from somebody that had a picture of a kitten
in it and the kitten was going to get eaten by these weird creatures
with sharp teeth. I laughed so damn hard at that picture! In
fact, I am laughing about it right now! Holy caca is it a funny
kitten-being-eaten picture! I showed the picture to the Megaplayboy,
and he laughed at it too. We were looking at the picture more
than the TV. You see, the TV can show some funny things every
once in a while, but because of fags like PETA we can't see
real-live kittens getting munched on. Does this world suck or
what?!
I compute
that Read Or Die deserves a 3 star rating out of 5. I do not need to explain my calculations to you, inferior bastard.
By the way, here is a picture
of that kitten getting eaten. Enjoy!
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