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Kuromukuro

The Ultimate ROSSMAN

My first impression of this show, Kuromukuro, made me think that somebody got a little crazy with MadLibs: Anime Edition.

The 450 year-old samurai woke up in modern Japan with his giant robot just in time to meet a purple-haired girl and go to high school with her. Then the aliens that looked like oni arrived in their weird space ship and attacked the militarized United Nations with all their strange-looking robot minions. Then a weird ending happened, and everybody went out for some intergalactic vengeance. Oh, and don't forget the clone of the princess who was originally a bad guy but then became an ally.

I mean that right there would let everybody in the room win "Anime Bingo" in one round.

So anyway, yeah, Kuromukuro is an amalgam of lots of the most popular tropes in anime. Not that it was bad, mind you, but I just didn't find it original. Not that THIS is necessarily a bad thing either. Hell, one of my favorite shows of all time (RahXephon) is a complete ripoff of Evangelion, almost plot point to plot point in many instances. No, being original doesn't mean that something is automatically great, just like copying ideas from something else doesn't mean something is a shit sandwich.

So, what did I think about Kuromukuro then? Meh, it wasn't bad, but it did feel very generic most of the time. It didn't even have its own unique tone or feel. It was simply "basic giant robot anime" ambiance.

The characters weren't all that unique either. You have the ditsy cute main character girl, the super disciplined soldier who has a hard time adjusting to a more civilian lifestyle, the adorable little sister, the parent who is 100% dedicated to her job, the hot best friend, the boy at school with the unrequited crush on the lead girl, the rich blonde girl who's great at everything, the strange doctor who acted too much like Archer's Kreiger for my liking, and then we have the bad guys.

I can't talk about the bad guys... Not because it'd spoil anything for you, just because except for the one alien girl who's a clone of the princess (whom the time-tripping samurai fought alongside 450 years ago). SHE had a small story arc that might be worth mentioning. None of the other alien invaders had any sort of personality beyond "faceless minion." Even the leader of the aliens (who call themselves the "Efy Dolg," because, I guess, they thought it only sounded slightly more menacing than their backup name of "Pow Pow Poo-doo Kitty") was wearing a literal mask the entire time he was on screen.

The only other alien invader (other than Princess Clone) that I remember (and we JUST finished this show like 20 minutes ago) was a pink-haired bitch who backstabbed (quite literally) Princess Clone. I don't think they ever even bothered to explain WHY she went all psycho and tried to kill her compatriot like that... I think that the writers simply could not think of a plausible reason for Princess Clone to switch sides, so they just said, "Fuck it... That pink-haired bitch should like, try to kill her or something... I don't know why... Just... Come on, man, cut me some slack. This story-writing meeting is cutting into my bar time. Come on, let's wrap this up. First round is on me."

Other than that, the other characters in this thing (especially the internet-otaku kid) drove me fucking bonkers with how much I wanted to Bruce Lee-punch them in their annoying fucking faces. Goddamn I hated that YouTube-famous otaku douchebag. But I digress.

The opening and closing songs were as generic as they could be, and I don't think I could pick them out of an audible line-up even after just coming off listening to both openings and closings 13 times each over the course of a few days. This whole show was SOOOOOOO by the numbers it was almost painful. The robots were boring and non-interesting too, if you cared anymore.

The one truly shining thing that I will say about Kuromukuro is that the animation quality most of the time was well above average. I only felt that it was wasted on this production, and would have been MUCH more appreciated on something like KonoSuba or something FUN. But whatever. I'm done. You should be done with your desire to see this boring show too.

KuromukuroMcKuro was not a terrible series, but neither was it anything exciting, interesting, or new. You've seen it all before. Even if this is your first anime series ever, I guarantee that you will go into this thing and immediately feel like you're having deja vu... only the kind of deja vu that puts you to sleep. I give it a "Meh," and only recommend it for people who need to see all the pretty anime ever made, and for those who have insomnia and ran out of their melatonin pills.


BOB from the FUTURE

This show reminded me of this one time on the job that I almost got fired. The Time Chef Agency of Justice that I work for had apparently put me on "double secret probation" for that one instance of me accidentally giving Napoleon a nuclear bomb. Well, technically it wasn't really a "nuclear bomb," but simply a malfunctioning robot horse that I gave to him in order to make up for blowing up his own steed. Unfortunately, Napoleon used Cheese and Wine (his name for the robo-steed) to actually conquer Russia with nuclear fallout. But that's neither here nor there.

I was trying to lay low and let the heat die off, but my superior obviously had other plans in mind for me. Apparently he was also very upset about what I did to his daughter... I, well, I just could not copulate with the poor girl because she was so hideous, and apparently her father really wanted her impregnated so that she could stay on the Intergalactic Government dole for a few more years.

So I was assigned to guard Tokugawa Ieyasu from some unscheduled time assassins who wanted him dead so that when the US finally came around to sending ships to Japan in the late 1800s, it would be to meet a severely pussified realm that was never fully united, and would then become a colony of the US, and therefore never invent tentacle porn.

But while I was hanging out with Ieyasu-sama, I apparently got a little tipsy on the much stronger sake of the time, and proceeded to show the shogun my three-story-tall Iron Chef mecha in action, which ended up with a little time-traveling accident. By that I mean that I accidentally stepped on the Great Uniter with my mecha, which caused me to slip and fall, which caused me to accidentally time travel to 1998 and accidentally blow up Tokyo, the capital of the 51st State of the US.

Luckily I was able to avoid any long-term punishment by promising to have intercourse with my superior's very ugly spawn. But after I blindfolded her and tied her to her bed, I used a turkey baster and inseminated her with some sperm that I had stolen from the frozen Time Vaults... Unfortunately I accidentally used some frozen Hitler sperm, and that led to... Well, that led to a story for another day.

I found this show charming, and I loved its positive view of very basic time travel. I give it 3 out of 4 Laser Gun Salutes of Salutation.


The MEGAPLAYBOY

Boo! Hiss! Boo-hiss!

Man, I just don' get it sometimes. So, like when you have a good thing in your life, like if you found a great local deli with the PERFECT reubin, would you then only go back to that place and only ever eat that mothafuckin' reubin every day of your pathetic life? Or would you, after first eating that tasty sammich, find yourself hoping that every other restaurant in town would make a reubin that tasted just like that first one? Like even the Chinese and fried chicken chains? Would you want them to only serve you reubin sandwiches? And only reubins that tasted just like that first one you partook of that blew your mind?

The answer, G, is HELL NAW! Of course not! Variety being a spicy life and all that shit...

So why in the hell would you want anime companies to only redo the same shit over and over and over again. The same giant robot story where the pilot is an inexperienced high school student fighting impossible odds but always wins (despite their whininess) because they're the main character... It's. Been. Done. Loser.

Leave it be, and then start branching out and trying some new shit every once in a while. You know, I heard that China Boat place around the corner has the best mothafuckin' "Emperor's Pork" that you've ever done tasted! Give it a try, you might like it, and then you might be willing to try some fuckin' Thai. You never know.

I could not get through this regurgitated garbage. It'll never top Gundam, Gunbuster, or Evangelion, though it try... It try. I do not recommend it, nor will I reward it with even forcing myself to finish it. The Rossman said it wasn't worth it, and so I plan not to waste my time.

Next time, Netflix, why don't you try spendin' your cash on something a little more original?