The Whimsical ROSSMAN
think of the "classics" they think of snobbish
works such as: Shakespeare, Citizen Kane, Catcher
in the Rye and Deep Throat. But in the world
of anime-fandom the classics are a lot more accessible
and less sticky. Anime
fans from the 1st and 2nd generations (i.e. from the 60s through
the 80s) consider quite a few of their beloved shows to
be "classics" of this particular artistic movement.
These would include (but not be limited to): SDF Macross, Gatchaman, Yamato, Maison
Ikkoku and of course, the perpetually stuck in the world
of mid-80s fashion, Kimagure Orange Road (or KOR
is the typical story of a teenage love triangle between a boy
with ESPer powers, a two-faced girl with a whimsical personality
who likes to throw guitar picks at people who piss her off,
and a butch little dyke with a face and a haircut that makes
her look like a monkey. But there's a twist! Also involved in
the mix is the coolest feline in the history of pussycats: one
Kasuga Jingoro. Man, Jingoro rules.
start off when Kasuga Kyosuke (the boy with the ESP Power)
moves to a new town with his annoying family after his clan's
secret (i.e. the Power)
was discovered in the last town they were in. Immediately his
teenage horomones fly off the chart when he meets the ever hot
Ayukawa Madoka (the capricious pick-throwing girl) at the top
of the soon to be infamous 99.5 stairs near his apartment. They
are so hot for eachother that they almost get it on right then
and there! My GOD, the sexual tension in that scene fogged up
my glasses as I merely sat in my living room just watching
the horny events take place on my TV... but I digress. Anyway,
the third wheel of this love induced trainwreck comes in the
form of bad-girl turned annoying-bitch, Hiyama Hikaru. She's
Madoka's best friend and the one who thinks she deserves Kyosuke
the most because her voice can peel the paint off a graffiti-filled
wall in less than two high pitched laughs.
Kyosuke then have to keep their feelings for eachother to themselves
like a couple of gay mimes stuck in glass boxes for 48 TV episodes,
8 OAVs and half of a feature length film in order to keep from
hurting the simian-faced girl. Why? I have no idea. It's painfully
obvious to EVERYBODY around them that Madoka and Kyo-chan have
boners for eachother. Well, obvious except to the oblivious
and retarded Hikaru. I mean, there were times in the series
where Madoka and Kyosuke are caught virtually naked and in bed
with eachother and Hikaru would change the situation around
in her own mongo mind in order to remember the event as puppies
and a walk through a rainbow. The only reason I can see Kyosuke
keeping the dumb whore around is for her free bento lunches
and after credit handjobs (and if he ain't getting anything
out of her after the show ends, then he's more retarded than
lots more secondary characters running around too, and most
of them are rather well developed. Yuusake is a childhood
of Madoka and Hikaru's who is in love with the monkey-girl
and hates Kyosuke for holding all of her attention. Manami
are Kyosuke's trouble making twin sisters with ESPer powers
of their own. Kazuya, the Kasuga kids' cousin, has some mad
skill Powers too, what with the mind reading and body swapping
he can and does do. Then we have Hatta and Komatsu, the two
pervert friends of Kyosuke who have a hankerin' for his twin
sisters and whose hobbies include sniffing panties and taking
pictures of their "buddy" Kyo in compromising positions.
And we can't forget "Master". The master of the ABCB
Coffee Shop who is only known by his position in the establishment.
Even though I can't 100% prove it, I believe that Master is
the anti-Christ. I'm working on a thesis about this, so unfortunately
I can't reveal any of my reasonings. He is evil though, but
he still isn't close to as iniquitous as the dark Lord Hikaru
(who secretly pulls his strings from the background).
Now to explain
the greatest thing about the entire Kimagure Orange Road
storyline. That would be the movie, I Want To Return To That
Day. It takes place after all the TV and OAV episodes and
finishes up the love triangle and entire storyline in one heart-wrenching,
soul-crushing swoop. It is glorious! IWTRTTD has
no humor in it at all. All of the kookiness that takes place
in the regular series is gone. What's left is the most painful
and realistic break-up you will ever bear witness to in an animated
(or live action, for that matter) film. You can actually feel
Hikaru's mongoloid heart rip in two! Oh man is it great! Some
may complain that I just spoiled the whole movie, but I didn't.
It's obvious from the beginning of the TV show itself that this
is how things will end up. Just sit back and enjoy it and I
guarentee you a great big smile.
A few other
quickie things I want to talk about before this thing rambles
on even longer than I planned it to... The original manga that
KOR is based on is almost a completely different experience.
Kyosuke is not perverted in the least, Madoka is twice as
and Hikaru is twice as bitchy as her counterpart in the anime.
Most of the "zany" situations that arrise in the manga
happen because Kyosuke is a total lush. He gets completely blitzed
in almost every single storyline! Kinda gets old after a while.
We do get to know Kyosuke's lesbian cousin, Akane, a bit more
than we do in the one OAV she's in. But that's no biggie. Plus
the ending is as far different from the anime's ending as can
possibly be without creating an alternate world where differences
are magnified further by the presence of a "negative field" that
lives in the spirit of everything that exists. Very different.
Kimagure Orange Road has some of the best and funniest
fan-parodies ever made of an anime show. HARD KOR parts
I-IV are some of the sickest and therefore best written pieces
of sickness I have ever bore witness too. Thank God for that!
The Capricious MEGAPLAYBOY
on a stick! I soooooo want to bone Madoka. That bizatch got
it goin' ON! Hoo-yeah!
Orange is like the first anime that I ever saw in which
I wished that I could physically fuck a drawn girl, yo. Ironically
'nuff, it wuz also the first that made me want to pop a cap
up a drawn girl's ass. Jingoro is fly and all, but Master is
like the Emperor in Star Wars, holmes! He's all knowin'
'bout the bad shit that's goin' on behind the scenes and all,
but he ain't tellin' NOBODY! He keeps that shiznit to hisself.
Probably to use it to blackmail the bitches at a later time
that has mo earnin' potential for his owwwwwn bad ass! Yeah
the Rossman! I liked the Shin KOR movie. The cameo by
that bastard Umoa-san made it allllll worth while... Like a
(Note from the Rossman. The Shin KOR
movie didn't have that cameo of Umao-san in it like the MegaPlayboy
thinks he remembers. It was the I Want To Return To That
Day movie that had it. Once again proving that Shin KOR
The Kurumi-esque JAIME
the Rossman, has made me watch numerous episodes from his large
and sad anime collection over the years, and rarely have I been
even slightly entertained. When I first sat down to see
this Kimegurgoo Orange Show I really didn't think
I'd have any kind of attachment to it. I honestly expected to
spend that half hour wishing that my brother would either fall
asleep or have his head explode in a Scanners-type manner
so that I could make my excape. But as soon as the argument
over the "99 and a half stairs" was over I was hooked.
Kimaboppity Orange Road reminded me so much of my
own high school days. All the sneaking around from the man,
guitar picks at people in fights (Note
from the Rossman. Jaime actually threw Ginsu knives at
people in fights, not picks),
tricking my old friends into thinking guys whom they liked
actually liked them back, skipping class to go work in a coffee
note from the Rossman. Jaime never worked at a coffee shop,
she worked at a place called the "Coughing Shack".
It was a hard-kor bar and strip joint if I remember correctly),
and breaking the hearts of young men left and right whenever
the whimsical mood hit me. Good times.
years have changed me and I'm now living the sweet and happy
life with my Kiffy-boy, far, far removed from those petty,
days of my youth. Some may say it's the drugs that the court
orders me to take (It's the
but I know that I just needed to find my one true love in order
to mellow out and enjoy counting stairs and playing with big,
puffy cats. In the end I just wish that my Onii-chan was half
the man that Kyosakikkime was (Somebody
needs their medication right about now).