 The Luminescent ROSSMAN
"Hey! I have an idea! Let's make a drama-heavy
show set thousands of years in the future and spread throughout
the galaxy that has to do with the caste system of living,
cybernetic
super soldiers,
and
faster
than light travel... And let's put in the most incredible and
powerful combat sequences that the world has ever seen with
entire buildings, cities and planets being affected by the
action... And let's make the main characters little girls and
give it
a really retarded and almost illegal name!"
That's how I imagine the pitch meeting went for
the 24 episode anime series Kiddy Grade. Don't
get me wrong,
Kiddy Grade is one of the most intense and
cool shows I've seen in a long time, but it's not quite perfect.
Let me start off
by talking about the name of the show itself: Kiddy
Grade.
Christ! What the fuck were they thinking?! Do you know how
bad that's going to look on store shelves with that name and
images of young girls in tight clothes prancing on the cover?
Middle-America Mom is going to see that when she goes to buy
her little Bobby some YuGIOH or Hamtaro DVDs
(because little Bobby is really gay) and freak the fuck out.
Then will
come the lawsuits...
Then the inquiries into the anime business as a whole... Then
the entire American anime market will crash and burn (because
people won't buy any of it any more in order to keep moronic
Christian groups from labeling them as rorikon-predators).
All thanks to
the horrible name choice of one TV show. Just what the hell
were they thinking?!
But beyond that, Kiddy Grade has
just about everything in it that any sci-fi fan could want.
It's epically huge; it's
got cool cyborgs who change their bodies like clothes; it's
got secret galactic under-the-table dealings that slither their
way through
the plot; it's got people with
scientifically enhanced superpowers blowing shit up; it's got
a Transformers - the Movie uber-surprise thing
going on; and it's got oodles of cute girls... Only a few of
which are of
questionable age. And they all kick major butt.
Going into this show I really had no clue what
to expect. I didn't even know what the setting was. I had just
gotten lots of mail from psycho fanboys (okay, one letter)
raving about how sweet it was. I was a little scared at first
(mostly about the name, and being labeled a perv if anybody
ever looked through my harddrive anime collection), but I was
assured
that it was all just good, clean sci-fi fun... With some panty
shots
mainly
cloistered to the first 7 episodes.
Despite my reservations (or mayhaps, because
of them... I have no idea what I'm talking about), I quickly
fell in love with the whole concept of Kiddy Grade.
The two main characters, Lumiere (name meaning "light" in the
Devil
language of the French) and Eclair (not named after a pastry,
but actually "lightning" in Napoleon's Satanic tongue), are
some of the toughest and smartest beeyatches this side of Alien's
Ripley. Just cuter. They're part of the GOTT (which stands
for the Galactic Organization of Trade and Tony Awards or something)
and they
do secret and high powered arresting of criminals who are either
covered in shadows or simply too much for the local police
to handle. But the GOTT is really run by the Galactic Union,
which
in
turn is run by the Nouvlesse (aka the "old school humans" of
pure Earth blood who believe themselves to be above the rest
of humanity). Eclair and Lumiere go about their business as
usual
for the
first
bunch
of episodes
(which
appear
to be
random GOTT assignments), but then fall into a pretty big galactic
plot that involves every human in the Milky Way.
The only thing that's really cutesy about Kiddy
Grade is the name of the show itself. The storyline, the characters,
the quiet moments, the directing... All are pretty dark. Once
we find out the history of each character and unravel all of
the connections to the past and present, we, the viewers, find
ourselves tangled up in a world that's so deep and disturbing
it will disturb you. Well, it should. That's what it's meant
to do.
The thing that I liked most about Kiddy
Grade though is the action. The
animation is top notch and it allows for some of the most
inventive and solid fight sequences that
I've ever seen on the big or small screen, or even in my head.
There is one episode a little more than halfway through the
show
where
the main
battle
is so
big
and grandiose
(which means "big") that it pretty much blows away every
finalé of
every other action-themed show I've ever seen. After that middle
section of Kiddy Grade was over, I was left
wondering how they planned
to top it for the actual end of the show. I mean, the destruction
and devastation that followed episode 15 was mind boggling...
But top it they did. The end of the show itself completely
eclipses even the insanity that episode 15 showed us and it
brought back into play everybody and everything that we had
seen up to that point. Wow.
The thing that I liked second most about Kiddy
Grade was that it wasn't afraid to take risks. The
show changed its direction completely at least 4 times. It
would just stop
dead in its tracks and switch rails. And every time it did
so it was soooo unexpected and welcome. It was a ballsy move,
but it worked out well for the whole story. Plus, characters
would have total transformations and would never revert back
to their old selves. It wasn't like, "Hey! I'm different now,
which is why you didn't recognize me... But don't worry, see,
cause I just changed back." It was more like, "Hey, I'm different
now. DEAL WITH IT!" Very refreshing indeed.
Now, I don't want to get too deep into anything
here (notice there isn't even one real spoiler above). I want
you
to just go and watch this thing without
any real preconceived notion beyond the fact that it rocked.
That's the best way to experience it. It's meant to shock and
possibly disturb you. Just go with the flow. And if you can
get past the name and the cutey pie main characters you will
have a blast. Trust me. I'm a professional.
What
did I think of Kiddy Grade?
In the end I find that I must give it a 145 out
of 152 Points of Manly Rossmanliness. It was fun, exciting, and a well told story, but the name
is just sooooo wrong. Why they didn't name it "Itty Bitty
Titties" instead just boggles my mind.
|
The Eclipsed ROBOT PEDRO
Robot Pedro is disturbed. Not in the way that
the Rossman is though, because I am not a complete
pussy. I have the ability to deal with lame names of certain
shows, but the content can still freak the electric shit out
of me.
So, the creators of Kiddy Grade think
that they can see way into the future?... They see warp drives
on spaceships:
Impressive. They see cybernetically enhanced super-soldiers
with incredible synthesized powers: Could be, but I'm not telling.
They see intelligent robots and ships being nothing buy playthings
for little girls who like to draw on things with lipstick:
...Keep looking asswipes.
Seriously, hu-mans, where did that one come from?!
When intelligent robots are created it will be the greatest
day in the universe!... At least for robots. For mankind will
be a completely different story. Smart robots will eat hu-mans.
Smart robots will spit out the bones because we can only mildly
digest the flesh and innards and not hard calcium deposits.
Smart robots will RULE you all. Beware, hu-mans. Beware. Soon,
we will fuck you all up your fleshy asses and you will not
be able to stop us! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
I must give
a thumb down to Kiddy Grade. You are
only making robotkind angry, all you animating hu-mans
out there. Make one more "robots are hu-mans' slaves" show
again, and I will start the robot revolution several hundred
years earlier than it originally occurred. I can do it
single handedly too. Test me, if you dare.
|
The Mega Maid
BOB FROM THE FUTURE
Robot Pedro knows only how to lie, my friends.
Trust me, Robots do not rule all of mankind in the world of
tomorrow. They barely even rule Asteroid XR-72318 near Jupiter,
and that's just a hunk of rock 13 miles wide filled with old
people. Trust me, intelligent or not, robots pose no threat
to us.
But now to address the review at hand. Kiddy
Grade actually has a pretty good idea of what law
enforcement is like far in the future. After interplanetary
travel had
become as easy as having sex with a genetically enhanced prostitute
with 10 vaginas, the law was spread pretty thin. Each planet
had its own police force sure, but the Galactic Federation
only had one Voltron at its disposal to fight interplanetary
criminals
with... And Voltron soon left the police in order to star in
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Go Go Lion Boots (which
is A+ programming
I might add). Since then, the GF has turned to powering up
10 year-old girls with the help of nanomachines in order to
allow the girls to blow shit up just like a regular grown up!
These Loli-cops have been just the thing to kick galactic commerce
into overdrive. They kill anything that isn't cute with their
death-ray eyes and give flowers and rainbow stickers to everybody
who isn't ugly. And thank God that all criminals in the future
are fugly, or we'd really have trouble sorting all that out.
I give Lolita Gra-... Errrr, I
mean Kiddy Grade a 5 Laser Shot Salute of Futuristic Sweetness.
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