 Great Torpedo ROSSMAN
Many things
in this world are complete mysteries. Like, why is the sky blue?
Why do cows taste so good? Why is prostitution illegal in most
States? And, for the sake of this review, why are all teachers
such bitches and dickheads? Yeah, I've had a couple of teachers
and professors over the years that I didn't truly hate,
but they were nothing outstanding. The reason I didn't loathe
those few individuals was because they either didn't bury us
in homework every night, or, like the bouncy Ms. Trauly, they
let us take pictures of them naked while riding a horse. In
my entire 16 years of schooling I have never found a teacher
who was totally and completely and ruggedly "cool".
One who actually made me want to go to class just to hang out
with him/her. Well, not until now... And Onizuka Eikichi is
fictional.
GTO is the story of a 22 year-old
biker/slacker who never grew up. Onizuka likes to get shit
faced every night with his pals and sit under escalators every
day
in order to look up girls' skirts. He likes to beat the living
tar out of troublemakers who give him any lip and then he enjoys
going out looking for 18 year-old tail while cruising on his
hog. But one day inspiration strikes him in a grand way and
he finds a goal in life. That goal being making it as a high
school teacher and finding some cute pigtailed honey under
his
tutelage to be his wife... In case you haven't guessed, this
show is most definitely from the land of deviants, Japan.
Never before
has a show grabbed me and shaken me (like a red-headed stepchild)
as GTO has. I watched all 43 episodes of the anime in
less than a week. I just couldn't turn it off. It was hysterically
superfragalosticly funny. It kept making me wonder what kind
of kooky educational plan Onizuka was going to come up with
next. It kept me guessing as to how the Vice Principal was either
going to get smacked around or how he would plot his pitiful
revenge against the bleached Great Teacher himself. And every
new character that arrived actually added to the overall plot
of the series. It wasn't like any of those pathetic other anime
and manga out there that just throws in a new cast member for
the old ones to interact with when the ideas run low. The overall
feel of GTO in that sense is relative to Urusei Yatsura.
By the end of its run it's got an extremely large cast, but
each and every one of them feels like a member of your family...
that is if you have an enormous and dysfunctional family.
If I ever
find that I have no career paths open to me in the near (or
far) future I plan to follow my new idol, Onizuka's, example.
I'll become a teacher, beat the crap out of my trouble making
students, hit on my cute female coworkers (who will all fall
desperately in love with me no matter how hard they deny it),
blow up my boss' luxury car a few times, and help the rowdy
bastards in my class see the error of their ways by pushing
them off of bridges, buildings and driving them off of unfinished
overpasses on my motorcycle. Watch out! Great Teacher
Rossman is about to be born!!!
What did
I think of GTO? In the end I find that I must
give it a 98% out of 100% of Rossman Satisfaction Points. If
only it had done the extra credit, it may have gotten a perfect
score. The only problem that I had with it was that it was too
short. I needed more Onizuka-sensei and a lot more Kanzaki Urumi.
She friggin' ruled!
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Great Madman DR. DAVE
Those bastard
children! It's all because of kids like the ones that Onizuka
had to teach that I went bald, lost 4/5ths of my sanity and
started playing bingo with an invisible sasquatch every Tuesday
night at 8PM... If I'm even one minute late that hairy monster
starts anally raping me with my portable phone while I squeal
like a stuck piggy.... You'd think that after 20 times in a
row of being late I'd try to get the bingo cards out early,
but I digress.
Back when
I was a science teacher at East Bumblefuck H.S. I was the king
of my domain. I ruled that school and the faculty and students
all feared me!... At least they did until they found me living
in the janitorial closet on the third floor in a pile of my
own filth, and made me teach an actual class of real students
and not just mops and boxes of puke-covering saw dust. I put
my all into my forced government job. Mostly out of fear of
the invisible giant talking cockroaches that lived in the Principal's
head, but also because I wanted to be able to shape young minds
into the pudding of my own desires. You see, I tried to brainwash
the whole class into kidnapping Cher and forcing her Congressional
ex-lover, Sonny, to write a bill that would grant me unlimited
freedom in my quest and experiments to find a cure for farting
raunchily after a big bowl of baked beans. My only weakness.
After getting
tied up and kicked around by my class and then eventually arrested
for kidnapping (and by mistakenly killing) Celine Dion (my plans
had to change when I found out that Sonny Bono was already a
pancake after slamming into some tree on a ski trip... That
bastard). I don't blame myself for that whole tumultuous episode
though, I blame those darn meddling kids! As soon as I invent
some glow-in-the-dark bananas I will have my revenge!!
*Sigh*
GTO only brought back bad memories for this old man.
Villainous faculty, backstabbing students, heinous parents who
just want to sue you for lopping off limbs... I thought I left
them all behind!!! I give GTO a thumbs down. And
in case you were wondering, the Celine Dion that's walking around
right now is an evil cyborg I had to cobble together to throw
the police off of my case.
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Great Bitch AMY
Fuck you,
Rossman. This show sucked. YOU suck!! Why the hell do you force
me to watch this shit! Yeah, I know you still have those pictures
of me in the mail room after hours with the copy machine and
the staple-remover, but if the price I have to pay for that
is watching crappola like this all the damn time, then just
go to the Staff Newsletter with them! They won't publish them!
You can post copies of those pictures all over town for all
I care! This sucks!! I will not be a slave because of a mistake
I made after a few dozen cups of Irish coffee that day! I'll
get you back for this! I'll somehow reprogram your gay Robot
to kill you in your sleep if I have to! You will DIE!!
One
finger up for this crapfest of a show.
The Rossman
here. Yeah, Angry Amy talks big, but she's just a little pussy
at heart. CAT, pussy cat at heart. Anyway, Robot Pedro
is already programmed to kill me, so her threats mean nothing.
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