Rossman Reviews and Ratings
Rossman Reviews and Ratings
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Just waiting for the Keymaster
Lost and Found ROSSMAN

Only once in a decade does a series so cum-guzzling original and trail blazingly spit-tacular come along and alter our perceptions of what animated storytelling is all about. Shows like Macross, Nadia and Evangelion. These special series are more like out of body experiences than entertainment. They make us truly care about the characters, and the plots are so much fun that we basically get taken away and become citizens of their worlds each time we watch an episode. Gate Keepers is nothing like these series.

Gate Keepers is an anime. It's an anime about teenagers that have to save the world. They have to save it from Invaders. Nobody really knows what Invaders are, but nobody cares because AEGIS (the Alien Exterminating Global Intercept System... the good guys' secret agency) is filled with nothing but cute girls with super powers. Invaders attack once a week. Invaders are repelled due to a new cast member or new weapon or new technique each week.

Everything in GK is cliché by now. Characters and designs are taken straight out of other more popular shows (for instance, Shun is a rip off of Akito from Nadesico, Reiji is Kaworu Nagisa's clone from Evangelion, and all of the girls seem to have been kidnapped from Love Hina); the plot has been recycled more times than Kuni's underwear (with a "secret world organization with unlimited funds" trying to stop an otherworldly invasion by creepy beings); and there's also a happy ending that you could see a mile away. When done correctly and with a fresh point of view, any of these ideas can still hold new life for a show and be entertaining. But when creators just yank a few plot details from anime "A", and trace some cels from anime "B" for the main characters (and maybe make their eyes a little bigger), you're not going to experience anything groundbreaking. And you can tell that you've seen everything 10 times before from the very first episode. Actually, you can see that from the opening credits.

But, there are some good points to Gate Keepers as well. It's not all bad stuff (and it's not really bad stuff, just bland stuff). First of all, the animation quality for a 24 episode TV series is incredible. Chi-Chi pissed his pants the first time he saw some of it... and he did it so much he even got a little of mine. It's so smooth and fluid, plus it has some very nice computer aided effects going on. Now, I'm not talking about the cheesy 3D animated vehicles and what-not, but the motion blurs and camera-shakes that give it a look of extreme polish. Second of all, the Invaders themselves (the main faceless minions that do all of the fighting against the AEGIS agency) do look pretty weird and therefore rugged. They look a bit like Pizza the Hutt's right hand man in Spaceballs, right down to their svelt sunglasses. And the sweetest thing of all is the bright, swirly things that glow in the Gate Keepers' eyes when they use their gate abilities. They shine real pretty like.

In the end I find that I must give Gate Keepers a "C". It was pretty to look at and it kinda held my attention for 12 hours (not in a row, thank God), but it was simply way too average. I'm very happy that I only had to pay $20 for the entire season on 3 double layered bootleg DVDs. The audio and visual quality of the discs were better than most region 1 anime DVDs I've seen. Sure, the subtitles were a bit fucked up (being translated first from Japanese to Chinese, then to English), but for a Hong Kong boot, it was very acceptable.

Kun doggy
KUNI the Ass Keeper

Super Open GAAAAAAAATE!!! Yes! Open this gate, Ruripei! You've wanted to look into my special gate glow for a while now, baby!! I know it is true!!

So many sexy girls in the Gates Keepers and they are all of the Kuni-horny kind. I want to keep their gate and make them show me their super AEGIS secret base!! It is hidden, but I can find it if can remove certain clothes from certain body parts. Ruriko is the hottest because she is the one that reaches under her nice dress to shoot that arrow of light @_@! Insanity is the word!!! YES!!!!!

Bancho is a big cock choker because of his lameness. He fucked a baby one time and Kaoru saw him and cut off his frank and beans because he would have done it again. I like the girl with the dress that flies up when the cars move because she looked like the girl in Speed Racer but she had a bazooka to kill the bad men in the final episode. I would hump any body pillow of any waifu in Gate Keepers. It is that dick-loving lickable!!! I do not lie about waifus!!!

Because of all this that I am saying, I would raise my rating to 100% of Kuni satisfaction to this Gate Keepers.

Carl getting wicked pissed off.

This Japanese anime drove the Monkey of Madness into hiding. I hope the Rossman appreciates that.... That shit-kisser!!! If he doesn't buy me a new one, with the same powers to kick his ass, I will have to get out Ol' Hickory again and make sure that he uses up all of his insurance deductibles!!! GODDAMMIT this show sucked biggus dickus! Why can't he ever make me watch something cool! It's always gotta be about some hella-lame grade school kids having gay sex and beating up faggy aliens in a foreign language!!!! Fuck him and his 'tarded cartoons!

Since I have to rate it, I will give Gate Keepers a 3 out of 10. Now to find a rock and pound some sense into the Rossman.