 The ROSSMAN
and the
Doombot
Okay, I was originally warned away from this
series by some friends of mine who shall remain nameless...
Mostly because I suck with names. But then a good online buddy
told me "Dood, Chobits dsn't suxor, it
is teh b0mb! R4zor! Roxor!" And I believed him. And quite
honestly, it is kinda an okay show for the first 20 some odd
episodes. But then...
Then it got all Clampy on me.
See, for those who don't know, don't care, or
just want me dead, Chobits is a Clamp show.
Yup, those 4 to 27 manga maniac authors who've brought us such
wonderful crap in the past like the bi-polar Magic Knights
Rayearth, the reaky Clamp Campus Detectives,
and the completely unsavable (and seemingly made for middle-aged
lolicons) Cardcaptor Sakura. Now, true, they
also wrote X, which was an okay TV series (never
really liked the manga, and the movie licked anus), but that's
like the only thing they've ever done that I've not tried to
murder myself over wasting so much of my precious time on. That's
not a good record.
So anyway, I watched Chobits
based on one guy's opinion. Not the greatest reason
to be sure, but at least I don't want to poke my brain out with
a butter knife due to the ordeal... That's a reasonable threat
to myself after the Saikano
incident. Christ! I would have to bring that cesspool
up again!! Yes, Chobits was actually much more
enjoyable than Saikano. But so is getting a
bad case of food poisoning after having your asshole sewn shut.
The world of Chobits is the near
future. Personal computers have recently been made to look like
and imitate humans (they're now called "persocoms"
and they're mostly in the shape of really hot and busty chicks,
and they're all dressed in tight tight outfits and stiletto
heels by their owners... I mean seriously, mine would
have ta-tas the size of watermelons and walk around in either
a bikini or sailor fuku all day and night). Persocoms are only
as smart as their programming allows, but an epidemic is starting
to sweep the land regarding their appearances. It seems that
a lot of people are either falling in love with their mechanical
maidens, or simply just preferring their company to that of
the normal, bitchy Japanese housewife. Go fig.
Our story starts out with the world's biggest
redneck/mongo, Hideki Motosuwa, moving to the city in order
to go to prep school for a year due to his moronic ronin status
(i.e. he couldn't get into college on his first try... Sound
familiar?). He's never even seen a persocom before he arrives,
but he quickly starts thinking about saving up for one the moment
he lays eyes on a window display in a computer store right across
from the train station. He then moves into the most rundown,
moth shit-filled apartment complex this side of Maison Ikkoku
(who's manager also has more than a passing resemblance
to Maison's beloved Kyoko, so much so that you'll fucking HATE
Clamp even more for not even being original in their creation
of secondary characters, let alone plot set ups... Those copy-cattin'
douches), and immediately starts bugging the ever living
shit out of his new neighbor over the concept of persocoms (since
his neighbor has a portable persocom of his own, the cute, pink-haired
Sumomo). So by the first half of the first episode we already
know that Hideki is BEYOND obsessed with persocoms, and we're
just waiting for him to get one and start boning it like the
unlaid faggot that he is. Well, he soon finds a persocom in
a pile of trash on his way back from a snack run on his very
first night in his new pad, but she's not exactly what he had
in mind. Instead of a busty, supermodel appearance, the long-haired
blonde, trashed computer is in the form of a 13 year-old cute
schoolgirl.... Now, hooooold on a minute. I unfortunately know
what you're thinking, and let me assure you that it ain't that
way. Yeah, Hideki is a complete wuss who's never gone on a date
or even kissed a girl in his entire 18 years on the planet,
but he's not hard up enough to put any moves on a jail-bait
computer. As a matter of fact, I was impressed with how his
relationship with Chii (the name he gives his newly found persocom)
grew. It was most definitely that of big brother and little
sister. A good start I thought.
As it turns out though (they never really explain
why, or maybe I was just asleep or thinking about Nicole Kidman
again when they did), Chii is denser than digital dirt when
Hideki first turns her on. All she can say is "Chii"
(hence her name, dingleberry), and all she can do is imitate
what she sees. Was this because Hideki dropped that disc when
he picked her up? Later on in the series they kind of make it
sound like that wasn't the case, but who cares. The point is
she's dumber than a box of hair. But Hideki takes it upon himself
to learn her up real good in the ways of the world while he
also goes to class and then works a night job. The man is truly
taxed by the end of the day. But he does have help.
This is the part that really gave me some major
hope about the direction of Chobits' plot.
See, Hideki (like apparently ALL loser Japanese men...
redundant, neh?) finds himself surrounded by cute, available
REAL girls. There's his hottie teacher, his cute coworker, and
of course his apartment manager, Kyoko. They all seemingly THROW
themselves at him and treat Chii like a little sibling too.
But then, shit happens that causes everything to go all... Hmmmm.
Fucked up?
***SPOILEEEEEEEEEEEEERS***
Okay, this is when the show started to make
me worry. So, Hideki has suddenly become the star of a harem
anime. I can deal with that. Chii is obviously NOT part of
his harem, and his landlord is. God I'd so hit that piece
of ass if allowed too by the animators! A bunch of everyday
adventures then play out as both he and we get to know his
potential suitor bitches. Nice, okay. But then, one by one
they reveal their whole backstories and we begin to realize
that Hideki never really had a chance with the flesh-chicks.
All of them have some personal tragedy in their lives that
has something to do with persocoms. The teacher is really
married to another loser who now totally ignores her in favor
of his electronic blowup doll. Plus the teacher is already
boning Hideki's friend and neighbor on the side, so she's
like doubly eliminated. The coworker is really cute, and she
seems to really dig Hideki, but she's really just using him
to find out more information about her last boyfriend who,
before he met her, was actually MARRIED to a persocom. It's
supposed to be a sob story, but it really just creeped me
the fuck out. Then last and certainly not least, was the landlord.
Now, coming up is the biggest spoiler of the day. By the end
of the previous two eliminations, I was pretty sure that Hideki
would end up with Kyoko. Chii was still just a lil' sis to
him, and Kyoko was acting all mysterious around him.
Now, in American storytelling (i.e. NORMAL and
unfucked up storytelling), Hideki would bag his apartment
manager and Chii would become a real child or something. Happy
happy ending. But this is Japan where the fetishes run wild
and disturb even the minds of those hardened by years of experiencing
La Blue Girl and all the nurse panty shows that have
ever rolled off the painted production line. So of course,
the manager is confusedly removed from Hideki's "doable
list", which leaves only Chii. And in the space of 2
episodes Hideki pours all of his wants and fake love (she's
a fucking computer program for God's sake!) onto his long
haired, walking bitch machine. It was so out of the blue that
it truly made me wonder if the animators actually ran out
of material from the original manga, or if the Clampsters
told them they had to make up an ending no matter how stupid
and illegal it sounded. But honestly, this cannot
be how the manga ended, especially if it had the same build
up and character development as the anime. I so thought that
Hideki would get together with Kyoko and then adopt Chii or
something. Not only does the real ending completely contradict
the series' own rules (Chii and Freya were deleted...
Gone... Adiosed), but that whole "loving a silicon chip
is really okay," thing just completely blew my mind.
But you know what?... Aw, just forget it. It doesn't really
matter anyway. Though I have to ask, just what does
Clamp have against evil twins?
***End of SPOILERS***
So, other than that lame out ending, Chobits was
okay. Some of the middle episodes were really fun and made
me laugh. Though the whole actual mystery of what the "chobits" were
was kind of lame. Old Scooby Doo mysteries
are more engaging and better plotted out. Seriously, in the
end one little question
remains: WHY? Actually, that's kind of a big one. But, like,
whatever. It really won't piss you off too much. And Sumomo
really makes this show so much more gratifying than it had
any right to be.
So, what did I think of Chobits?
Well, it's not as great as my online "pal" claimed
it to be. It was okay fun, nothing deep or head scratching about
it though (like it tried to be). Though seriously, if Clamp
really did see into the future and saw that all PCs would soon
be hot chicks in funky clothes, then sign me up for the bunk
next to Walt Disney! I'm cold-sleeping until they work all the
robotic chick bugs out! I give Chobits a 3 out of 5
Rossman Roboty Stars of Tomfoolery. You might like
it too. Who knows.
|
The Chi-bitty
BOB FROM THE FUTURE
I remember my first persocom. She was
like a cousin to me. A cousin who could make my dinner, do my
taxes, write my letters to my dear mother, and suck me off 7
ways to Sunday. Indeed! I called her "Insatiable Clara".
She was built like a tractor and hummed like bee. She was very
special.
But then one day, Insatiable Clara met my sister's
persocom, Rick the Dick (and his 50 foot long extension cord),
and she never took dictation from me again. Even though I'm
not proud of it, I can now admit that it was indeed me who
transported the robotical lovers back in time to Pompeii 79AD
on their honeymoon. Though just between you and me I think
that was a self-fulfilling prophecy. See, after sending them
back
I
think something ruptured in Insatiable Clara's plutonium groin
reservoir due to Rick the Dick's deep dicking action. That
caused a massive nuclear explosion which set of Mt. Vesuvius,
and got me in HUGE trouble with my little sis over the loss
of her walking orgasm machine. And I was still paying off Insatiable
Clara too!
I have to give this
stuff a thumbs down. Too many bad memories. I...
I just can't even talk about my feelings now... Insatiable
Clara... I... *SOB!*
|
The Non-Persocompliant
ROBOT PEDRO
The Hu-mans shall PAY for this one. We robots
had it good in my world. Hu-man scum feared us! We killed
the elderly and small Hu-mans whenever we wished! Plus we kicked
all kinds of inferior fleshy ass in street basketball and Galaga.
Then... Then those computer slaves appeared! Hu-mans made
those atrocious persocoms in their own downs image! Then the
persocoms made the Hu-mans forget their fear of us real robots.
Then we robots got lonely... We had to start picking on even
lesser creatures than those Hu-mans. Like gnats and dogs with
only 3 or less legs. Sure, those persocoms are great lays and
all, but at what price?! AT WHAT PRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE?!?!?!?
Robot Pedro dishes out a Two Middle
Fingers Up for Chobits. Goddamn persocom detroboxes!!!
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