 The Combusted
ROSSMANOnce upon a time, in a land far far away, animation
was made not for the purpose of selling little electric rat
dolls, or video games, or porn. It was, in fact, made solely
in order to make the viewer laugh. Laugh his/her ass off if
you will. And the Queen of this laughing-man anime from long
ago was Combustible
Campus Guardress (fyi, the "King" was Prefectural
Earth Defense Force, but that's a review for another
day).
Made by the same crew that did Bastard!!, Combustible took
the same character style, and the same "good guys/gals
versus bad demons" basic plot, but then it revved the
action and comedy (especially the comedy) to full throttle
and just
ran with it until the motor went dead and the vultures came,
ate the carcass and then became super vultures who could kick
any other carrion-eater's ass like nobody's business, except
maybe that swarm from Michael Crichton's Prey,
but those things were just bad ass... Seriously, I have no
idea what that analogy meant, but Combustible is
funny. One of the funniest OVAs ever made (then and now). I
just find it very sad that crap like Final Fantasy
Unlimited and Licensed By
Royal gets picked up for Stateside release,
but brilliant stuff like CCG never sees the
light of day over here. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with
American companies?!
You guys market the ever living shit out of lame
mung like SD Gundam, but let great things
like Master
Keaton get buried under panty shows
on store shelves on their release date. I mean come on! Show
some respect to the things that actually attempt to
tell a story or entertain your consumers! And then you also
gloss over
most older stuff (even if said older stuff happens to be 25,084Xs
better and funnier than anything that's been produced in the
last 5 years) just
because they're not as "shiny" as the newest CGI
shit-show that just hit the
airwaves
in Nippon.
RRRRRRRRRRGH!!! MONKEY BUTTS!!!!! But I digress.
Combustible Campus Guardress is
a Production IG show... Which means the animation is fluid
and very nice
to look at. Combustible Campus Guardress is
also the series with the best supporting characters EVER. Examples
of which
are: Mr. Realtor, Mr. Ramen, Mr. Pachinko, Mr. Laundromat and
of COURSE Mr. Porno Books. Combustible Campus Guardress also
has some of the most insane fighting moves I've ever seen (even
including any Marvel Vs. Capcom game): Kitty
Attack!, Japanese Housewife Textured Noodle Attack!, Super
Ethnic Champion Tabascooooooooo!,
Bow-wow Punchu!, Sexy Dyna-Blast!, and Rapid Power
Fever! put
any martial arts move in Naruto or Ranma to
shame. To shaaaaaame.
"So," you ask, you annoying piece of
shit you,
"We get that you like it, but what is CCG about?"
I'm glad you asked, you complete and total chunk of ass tar. Combustible is
about a brother and sister, Jinno Takumi and Jinno Hazumi.
Hazumi and her young mom both have a mad crush on Takumi...
which means, if you've EVER seen ANY anime or played any hentai
game, Takumi ain't really Hazumi's blood brother. But that's
more important later on. The real meat and potatoes of CCG is
that 30,000 years ago the Dark World (filled with demons and
stuff
of course) tried to invade our world. They were unsuccessful
due to a handful of guardians, one of whom had to sacrifice
his own life force to close the gate that connected the two
planes of existences. Thus the Demons were locked away, and
humanity triumphed!.. Buuuuuut, a few Remnants of the Dark
World were stranded in ours when all that happened, and they've
just woken up after a long sleep. Kijima Touta, the bad bad
ass
leader
of
the Remnants,
has restarted the wheels in motion to reopen the portal, but
are his desires to cause pain in the reincarnated Earth warriors
who stopped the first attempt to unite the worlds (of whom
Takumi and Hazumi are of course chief players) causing him
to lose track of his species' main goals? Will Hazumi be able
to protect her brother/crush without destroying the city building
by building with each swing of her mighty bokken? Will main
good guy, Chiryu-sempai, ever stop looking up Hazumi's skirt?
Would we hate him if he did? Is the ending really
the greatest anime ending ever? Well, I won't answer any of
the spoiler questions above, but I will say that the final
question's answer is a resounding "YES". It IS the
bestest anime ending ever.
Let me back up a bit first. Despite the description
that I gave this show in the previous paragraph, it is not
a drama. It is about as far away from a drama as Grave
of the Fireflies is from a comedy. CCG is
hi-fucking-arious. From the first piece of flung dogshit to
the final realization
that the prophesy
may not have been all it was cracked up to be, you will laugh
for two solid hours (FYI again, CCG is made
up of 4 high quality, half hour OVAs... Last FYI, I swear).
Every character, whether they
be good guys, bad guys, or just throw away part, is fun. The
script is pretty much flawless, both in plot and individual
character lines. The humor is so wacky off the wall, but it
never falls quite into all out slap-stick like Dragon
Half or Fairy
Princess Rane. It stays fairly grounded. And did I
mention the ending is uber-tacular?.... Yes, I know I did,
I was just
trying to make a point. God! Cut me some slack here! You people
can be such assholes sometimes. But yes, great ending. And
best use of eyedrops ever. Ever I
tell you!
So here's hoping that some US anime company realizes
that there is still great stuff out there (that needs
to be licensed from Japanese studios) that WASN'T made this
year. Then maybe we'll see Combustible on our side of the Pacific
before I'm dead (which according to Bob From the Future will
be in about 18 months due to some terrible neck-shaving accident...
I don't want to talk about it). Oh, and maybe Prefectural
Earth Defense Force too. Why not?
So, what did I think of
Combustible (Bakuen) Campus Guardress? Infinitely
better than it's sister show, Bastard!! Most
definitely.
CCG is one of the
unsung greats. Only a few old schoolers even remember it
though, and it seems to be fading from their memories too
as the years go on (CCG is already 10 years old at the time
of this
writing). Hopefully it will make a comeback (somehow, someway),
but until then, I give it 27.114 Points of Combustible
Corpulence Out of 28.555555 Points. And boy, would
I ever bone Hazumi if given the chance and the power to enter
into animation.
RrrrrrrrOOOOwwwwrrrrrr! She's a hottie.
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The Fire Retardant
MEGAPLAYBOYDaaaaaamn, Holmes, if I had me a hottie sis like
Hazumi, I'd fuckin' lay the bitch-slap down pretty much every
weeknight! Whoa, was that shit out loud? Anyway, G, the Rossman
an me saw this shit way back in time ago, and we's wuz both
like, "this is the motherfuckin' BOMB, bitch!" Cuz
like, it was fuckin' wild and all. It had mad pachinko-shootin'
fuckers
and noodle-tossin' bitches all over the hizzy! Man, it kinda
reminded me of that time I went all down to Lil' Tokyo in order
to buy me some crazy hentai shit and some Asian Vaseline...
Yeah, you bitches heard me right. The MegaPlayboy ain't 'shamed
by nothin that jus' comes natural-like.
Anyhows, so like, I
was there, chasin' the dragon and all (that was the coolest
motherfuckin' kite I ever fuckin' saw!), when I noticed this
tough lookin' chick beatin' the snot out of some clown-guy
and three of his friends down some back alley. To be quite
frank, that kind of turned me the fuck on. So I started watchin'
the whore crack her big wooden sword all upside they's heads
and all, and as soon as they was all unconcious and dead-like
I ran up to the woman and said, "GunDAMN, whore! That was
some fine pootie tangin' you was dealin there. What gives?"
And she was all like, "You know, hot stuff, I just like to
beat the shit outta clowns. I don't find them funny, just
scary.
But beating them up sure does make me horny!" Now,
by that point I shoulda jus' run the fuck away with my
dick tucked between my legs due to the weird tingly sensation
I felt all risin' up the back o' my neck and all. But the
bitch grabbed me too fast and had her way with me like nobody's
business...
Though by "bitch" I really mean "HE-bitch", cause that pony
toni was a PHONY! That cock-whore had a pair that made me
blush... Though I didn't, cause that would have been a sign
of weekness
and shit, then he/she would have just eaten me ALIVE!....
What the fuck was the point I was tryin' to make? It sure
wasn't
"Once you do Asian crack you never go back," that's for DAMN
sure!
I'm going to have to give this
shuff a thumbs down. Yeah, the show and all was
groovy, but the whip and shoe marks on my buttocks still
sting when it rains. Daaaaaamn!
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