The Berserker ROSSMAN
when Berserk first got fansubbed and brought
to our college club's attention, the Chief and all his
subordinates hailed it
as the second coming of Jesus Christ himself... Except 30-times
more violent and asskicking. The Megaplayboy and I just scoffed
at those fools though. We sat through the first 5 episodes
of it and were kind of scared that there were no less than
4 male nude scenes, 3 talks of one man saying that he "wanted" or "needed" another
man, and one pissed off dyke in a faggy man's world. We never
let them hear the end of it.
years passed and the Chief was still adamant that Berserk was almost as
good as Giant
Robo (I know, I know... That's
a tough load to swallow, but I was well aware of how the
Chief perceived Robo. He actually thought
that God himself animated it.) So even though I thought
it was all bullhonky,
I knew that the Chief wouldn't blaspheme against such a holy
series like GR. So I decided to give Berserk another gay
I've seen it all the way from beginning to end all that I
can say is, "I WANT MORE." I need to know what
the fuck happens next! Holy sphincter-raiders, that was a
shitty way to cliff
hang the viewers! Honestly though, even if the ending was
clean-cut and perfect, I'd still want more. The way the story
out and told was like having sex with a blow up doll that
has a hermit crab with an evil temper hiding inside one of
the holes: Fulfilling, yet very bloody... Or something
thing starts off near the end. We meet a very large and very
pissed off man named Gatsu (or "Guts", or "Gatts"...
or whatever) with a 7 foot long sword, as he's hunting down
and powerful guy named Griffith. Gatsu isn't taking any shit
from anybody as he
into a dark town and begins slicing miscreants in halves
and quarters all over the damn place. Then he kills a giant
snake man (I'm guessing it's more symbolism).
Then we jump back in time a few years to when Gatsu was just
a young merc just trying to make his way in the violent medieval
world of wherever and whenever the hell it's supposed to
be. I suck with time and geography, so it could have been
last week in Australia for all I know. But I digress.
just minding his own business when he's attacked by a small
army who's leader is attempting to fulfill his dreams of
becoming a king someday. The leader is a man named Griffith
(duh-duh-DUUUUUH!), and his number 1 commander is a hot,
almost-lesbian chickie named Caska (or "Casket"...
once again, whatever). Griffith takes Gatsu down a notch
some not too
subtle gay offers at our protagonist while he forces/enlists
him into his ranks. This pisses off Caska and the whole damn
motley crew (of whom Gatsu just maimed or killed a few members
hate telling the whole plot of the show that I'm reviewing,
so I'll just stop there and let you wonder how things turn
out. Honestly, I was kept guessing the whole time. There
were some huge plot twists that had me completely blown away
(no gay pun intended). The characters are very 3-dimensional
and their actions have very real reactions in their world.
Little things that happen early on become huge matters with
which they have to deal with later on in their lives. Plus
Berserk brings up the question of "What
are your dreams worth?" Should you really try to attain
your dreams if it means that you might fuck up everything
else that you already have?
And most importantly, Berserk made me wonder
just how humongously homosexual the director was. Honestly,
the whole "giant
symbol not withstanding, the faggy sexual tension that ran
between a bunch of the soldiers in this series was scarily
palpable. Once we found out for certain that Gatsu was 100%
hetero-HeMan, I breathed a little easier knowing that there
wasn't going to be any yaoi action going on before the final
end credits rolled. Call me crazy, or tell me that I'm not
very secure in my masculinity, but if I saw Gatsu and Zodd
the Immortal going at it while Griffith watched in the corner
with that annoying smirk on his face, I think I would have
for life... Well, more scarred
I am right now.
The Casket MEGAPLAYBOY
television shows, Batman! Yowza! I saw the first few episodes
of this gayfest years ago, and not even the Chief or the
Rossman could get me to give it another chance today. Yo
yo yo, listen... The Megaplayboy is not afraid of the cock,
fool! In fact, my secret weapon is my bloody horse cock that
I don't like to show off except at parties and other fine
female-filled social gatherings.
will NOT, however, "whip it out" in the company
of other men, unless one of them is directing the porno that
obviously be in, G. You get me, Mr. fallywag dong-stroker?
Just as long as we's all down wid dat.
holmes, all I remember of this shiznit show is that there
was this dude with a Ron Jeremy-sized sword killin' peeps
and talkin' about finding some 'mo that he used to get it
from or sometin'. That just ain't right, you know. So lots
of people died and then some more shit happened, and then
they met Zodd Nosferatu and things got really whack. That's
when I said "Goddammit! I'm leavin' and I'm taking all
my Debbie Does tapes with me!" And
that was that.
the Megaplayboy is a pretty open fly-guy about lots of shi-att...
But that albino guy just creeped me and the little Megaplayboy
the fuck out! Whoa!!
The Warrior Queen ANGRY AMY
know what to kick the Rossman's ass for more... The fact
that this show was the bloodiest hackfest I'd ever had the
misfortune of seeing, or the fact that I was trapped under
the Rossman's sofa for a full week with a dirty sock stuffed
in my mouth that kept me from screaming for help.
be a bit more fair to that wank-rod, I was trapped by my
own stupidity. See, I thought that the Rossman had stolen
my vintage collection of My Little Pony dolls (Hey, they're
valuable!!) and I snuck into his place late at night in order
and find them. But as I was lifting up his
sofa to check underneath it, a dirty (and unwashed for at
least 3 years) sock fell on me and knocked me out better
than any ether that I've ever taken. When I came
to I was pinned under the couch. I couldn't move
any part of my body and I was a bit dazed. All I could see
was a pair of feet and the TV screen just a few feet away.
Some gore-filled cartoon was on that put anything that Ralph
Basci (sp?... Aw, who gives a shit) dishonored his family
with to shame. After about an hour of consciousness I was
finally able to scream again, but just as I began to really
shriek, the Rossman stuffed the sock that had originally
knocked me out into my mouth to muffle the cries of pain....
He will die by my hand one day... Make no mistake. And his
death will be just as disturbing as the hundreds of people
that that man with the big-dick sword did away with during
the course of whatever it was we were watching.
you were wondering, I was stuck there for 7 full days and
16 hours. The Rossman claims that he thought I was only the
likes to sneak into his place and piss under his sofa....
That just makes me even more mad because I know he never
ever cleans his carpet. How much do ice-picks cost anyway?
from the Rossman: I think that's a thumbs down for Amy)