Akira

The ROSSMAN, Lost and
Confused in the Jungle

Akira. Supposedly the definitive Japanese animated movie. The one that started the anime craze in America back in the late '80s. The one that made thousands of animation fans yell out "What the fuck was that?!" in unison. Akira.

Sooooooo, what is Akira? Well, it's the 3rd anime I ever saw back in '91. It's the movie that I used to confuse my friends who took Psych 101 and thought that they fully understood the human mind. It's also a 2 hour ride of incredible hand drawn animation that leads us from violent bike chase, to violent infiltration of a government hospital, to a violent march of madness into the heart of darkness, to a violent and disturbing finale set in an Olympic stadium and featuring a violent giant glob of what used to be a human being who likes to suck people into his chubby thighs. Akira is just plain sweet.

It all starts off with some Japanese revolutionaries kidnapping some blue prune boy from a government facility. Then there's some shooting and dying. During this we meet some punk ass bikers who beat the crap out of a rival biker gang who dress up like the Joker from Batman. After some really cool racing and pounding scenes the blue prune boy and one of the bikers meet face to face... Violently. This sets everything in motion. There's lots of talk about telekinesis, evolution, nuclear war, revolution and of course a boy named Akira. He's the cause of everything it seems. I won't tell you anymore of the plot though, but not because I'm afraid I'll give something important away, but mostly because I'm afraid I'll just confuse you more than you might already be. The first few times I saw Akira I just checked my mind at the door and enjoyed the ride. That's basically what I do for work and pleasure alike. It may get me into a bit of trouble on occasion, but the wacky adventures that I get to live out because of this great ability more than make up for it.

The new DVD release of Akira by Pioneer is incredible! The video quality is gorgeous and the audio tracks are superb. And I never use the word "superb" unless I have to. The English dub isn't too bad either, as long as you can get over the fact that Daisaku Kusama (from Giant Robo) is now Tetsuo's voice. Although the story seems to be all over the place and may feel a bit rushed, chalk this up to the movie only covering about the first 1/3 of the entire manga. This is the only thing that pissed me off about this flick... We never got to see that big momma woman who helped Kei and Kaneda out with her mad gun skillz or those little project children that worked for that old spiritualist lady. They were shibby.

With my telepathic powers from being Child # 29, I can foresee that I will give Akira 3-1/3 out of 4-1/7 Power Stars of Fortitude. After that all I can foresee is doom.

The MEGAPLAYBOY
overcompensating for something

Akira is fly, ya whore. First of all, my brothas, you got them wild street punks with the bitch ass cyber wheels in the future. Sure, they may very well only be little pups in the post apocalyptic world of tomorrow where I'm sure nuclear vampires and deadly giant mutated tarantulas prowl the wastelands looking for a souls to steal, but they were cool enough to hang in my hood.

I was really getting into the movie (what with all the crashing and burning and beatings and blowings up of buildings and cars and peoples), but then out of the blue all these trippin' things started happening! Like, what the fuck was up with that blue kid and his wrinkled mini-pals?! Fuck that shit! I want more chickie nudity and extreme 'splosions!! Then that damn superman cape wearin' muthafucka mental case at the end of the gimp slappin' movie turned into the goddamn blob and ate that underage co-ed love muffin in one bloody slurp! What a waste of young tail!! That's when I got pissed. Well, then and when nobody ever got it on. I mean, in the real hood in a real mega-city of the future you just know that all them young juvies just screw like rabbits on all them hyper bikes they're always cruisin' 'round on. Sunuvabitch! You know that I'd be getting some serious ass with that red motor bike if I was flying that fucker like that Canada kid was. How the cuntlick can you waste a chance like that?!

Yeah, Akira had some nice explosions and lots of people dying horrible and Scanner-like deaths, but it just wasn't enough for me and my homies. Plus that police general guy with the hair on his lip never died!! Piss ant!!! They NEVER kill off da man in these things!
I'd say that this muthafucka movie only gets 2 out of 5 Ninja Stars of Destruction. Only about 10-15 more buildings and/or tanks blowing the fuck up and it woulda gotten a 4.

Angry Amy and the
Finger of Justice

I can't fucking believe that these assholes got me to watch this insipid animated movie. First of all they claimed that it was Disney. Second of all they promised to help clean up the mess they made in my house last week when I was out of town visiting my grandma. They said that no more than 7 people were there, but I found at least 56 pairs of underwear hidden all over my bedroom.

Anyway, the bike scenes were okay, if not a bit needlessly violent. But then a bunch of people got wasted by automatic and tank weapons, kids were beaten within an inch of their lives by other kids, that one boy went psycho and started melting the building with those Oompa Loompa blue people in it, and then there was that mountain of blobby flesh that made me lose my dinner. Totally un-fucking called for.

After the movie was over both of them disappeared and I still had to clean my house up by myself.... If I ever get either of them in a room with a pair of scissors or a weed wacker you can be sure that their genes will never be passed on to future generations.

I give Akira 2 out of 10 points. I just don't ever need a movie that makes me want to vomit in so many different disgusting ways due to so many different and disgusting visuals.