Rule #7: Wash yourself, boy!
Do yourself a favor, shower daily. Seriously, don't even think about missing a day. You'd be surprised how many of my friends actually ask me if they could skip cleaning themselves during an Über-Week. Disgusting.
Sure, you may be tempted to just get up in the early to late afternoon and just jump straight back into the game, but after more than 24 hours the human body starts to go rank with no bath or shower. Do you want to spend your mini-vacation feeling greasy and grungy? Do you want to start picking ants and maggots from your hair? I mean, you're going to be sitting still, eating nothing but fat-making foods for 4 to 5 full days, bitch! That crap turns into "human grease" and fatty fat fat-shit on your body within hours! You NEED to cleanse your body, as well as your mind (you cleanse your mind with sleep, dipshit. Keep up with me here). Don't question it. Just do it. One of many things you should trust the Rossman on in life.
One exception to the "clean is spiffy" rule is shaving. Guys, take this time to finally grow that beard you've always wanted. Going a week without shaving is one of life's greatest luxuries! The three beards I've grown at different points in my life have all started during Über-Weeks. It's cool to see them get thicker and scratchier day by day, and hour by hour. Now, the only exception to this exception is if you're a girl. If you are female, then you must continue to shave. Hairy legs, even when nobody sees them, are NEVER alright.... Fucking hippie chicks.
Day 3 - Sunday - 9:52PM
Ooooh crap. So Karen, after apparently almost kicking my door in earlier in the day, gave up trying to wake me to get me to do some gay shopping with her or something. She did come back at around noon though, woke me up for good, and made me take her out to lunch. But I quickly got back to Kingdom Hearts when we got back to my place.
Karen's lived through quite a few Über-Weeks in the past, she fucking knew what she was getting herself into by wanting to "watch me play". She'd try to sit patiently for a while, just watching me kick some Heartless ass, and commenting on the game and my fighting style with such gems as, "So, you can use Simba to fight the shadow guys, right? Can you use Timone and Pumba too? Do they fart at your enemies for you?" and, "Why are you wasting your life doing shit like this? Come on!... You took these days off and all you're going to do is just piss that time away playing a faggy little game aimed at toddlers? This is like the biggest WASTE of time that I think you've ever participated in, and yes, I know about the time you hung out with Just Kidding!"
A little below the belt, but I'm used to it. Anyway, Kare left at about 4 (after eating half my remaining wings and the rest of the first bag of Dark Chocolate Hershey's Nuggets With Almonds), and I continued on with my gaming unabated... After a few quick computer breaks that is. Oh, and one little suggestion, if you pull a Ü-W during the cold, dry, winter months, keep a bottle of lotion available at all times.
Rule #8: Go outside at least once per day
This is basically so that you can measure time a little better and separate which days you did what. It also seems to stretch the week out a bit longer. You have to do something different each time you go out too. Don't just go to Best Buy each day. And don't stay out too long either. Don't go to a movie or over to fuck your girlfriend... Though if you think this whole "Über-Week thing" sounds like fun and you want to try it yourself, you're probably single anyway, so you don't have to worry about that last one. You'll probably never will have to worry about that last one.
Day 4 - Monday - 3:33AM
Holy shit! Winnie the fucking Pooh! This game is the shit to end all uber-shits! THE shit! Ever since I was a kid and I read the original books I've dreamed of playing with all the animals in the 100 Acre Woods, and especially Pooh! Talking to and playing with Pooh was... Heh... Heh heh... Bwa ha ha ha ha!! Oh man, that's like the funniest thing I've ever written! Hee hee wa ha ha ha!! Oh god, my chest!! Heart attack? Too much fried mushrooms and ice-cream?!.. Yes, and too much physically acting out the whole "bouncing with Tigger" mini game in my living room, using sofas and tables instead of tree stumps.
Thinking back, what were my previous years Uber-Games? The first was, of course, Final Fantasy VI. Although that was my official first Über-Week, I had done some long game-marathoning in previous years with Zelda - A Link to the Past and Final Fantasy IV... And, in all honesty, I had done a full two week marathon back in '88 with both quests of the original Zelda over Christmas break (it was a loooong break). But I was way too young to fully appreciate an Über-Week back then, and I hardly followed any of the rules that I have since set up... So, whatever.
I know I did Chrono Trigger at one point, but was that my second official Über-Week, or my third? No, Secret of Mana was my second, then Chrono Trigger. My fourth must have been.... Dammit, I can't remember. Though to be honest I can't even remember my own middle name right now. Did that shadow just move?!
Final Fantasy VII was definitely 1997, followed by Xenogears and Zelda - Ocarina of Time (That's right! I only played Xeno for the first night and then switched to Zelda for the rest of the week! This WASN'T the first time I did that!) in 98. FFVIII, FFIX, FFX, and Zelda - Windwaker round out the rest of the Über-Games. Man, I still can't recall what my fourth one was. This is going to drive me fucking bonkers. Oh well, onward to more Dizney Fantasy! Heh-YAH!
Rule #9: Start talking to yourself
Just give in to your geekiness. Start gabbing out loud to yourself. After the second full night with maybe 3 or 4 hours of sleep you will at least begin mumbling to your lonesome anyway, so just take it to the next level. I have found that I have had some of the most brilliant conversations of my life during Über-Weeks.... just by myself. I've developed my theories of "Living Life Right" and how me fucking Nicole Kidman would be the best thing to ever happen to the world as a whole (theoretically it will stop world hunger and ozone erosion). Just remember to leave your split personality behind after you beat your game. If you take him/her with you into the outside world you will be locked up.
He's right, you know. They will lock you the fuck up. Especially if you make a hand puppet for your other voice and let HIM talk to the cop who pulled you over for driving naked.
Oh man, like they needed to hear that. God, you're such a faggot. Just go away. You had your chance.
......................................I know where your family lives.
Day 4 - Monday - 9:06AM
The garbage truck actually made me aware of the time. Goddamn, I almost fell off schedule! If I had gone much further, I would have slept much later, and then my whole nocturnal-mood would have been broken. BROKEN I say!!
Hey! Hey! I can make squigglies with my pen. On the paper! Sweeeeeet!
Okay, so I blasted through Agrabah, saved Aladdin's pansy ass, lost Jasmine to the darkside though, but I did punt Jafar's pointy hiney all the way to genie Hell. He's fucking fried! He's crispy. He's roast mage. Mmmmmm, maybe I'll grab one more slice of the last pizza before bed. The cave of wonders was pretty fun, but figuring out that I had to go to the goddamn sub-basement to knock out that final pillar to get to Jafar in the first place was... What's the word I'm...... ASSTASTIC!.. Or is that a positive thing? Shittastic, maybe? I dunno.
Then I got swallowed by a giant whale. In space. In a gay Gummi Ship. The movie Pinocchio sucked, and so did the Monstro maze. Pinocchio was basically an hour and a half preaching of how stupid kids shouldn't lie. The Monstro maze was basically an hour and a half of me getting my pathetic self lost, while wandering through the same six (well, I had trouble in the first 5) rooms over and over, etc., again. Jezus Fucking Homer Christ! This game has absolutely no direction!! You wander around, get lost, and then wander for ages until you accidentally become unlost. I hate potato chips! I really do. Make the dog eat the rest of them. Wait... No dog. Get dog, then make it eat the chips... Did I even buy potato chips?
I finally found the fourth room, which was the sixth room, and then kicked that Heartless' rear all the way to Monstro's rear... Cause we were still in Monstro. Screw this. Head is kind of spinning. In all honesty I think it takes more than a day or two to get used to a night schedule. Could my calculations be inferior?! No! Soundwave superior, Constructicons inferior! And uncrozamatic.
Rule #10: Create a unique atmosphere to play your game in
This is a pretty important part of the experience, though it may not seem it. For some, just switching to a nighttime habit may be enough. But I've had to expand the mood of the event by putting up a few Christmas lights or other glowy trinkets to give the playing space a unique feel. Now, you should be playing in darkness already (why the fuck go nocturnal if you're just going to light the place up like high noon during a nuke test?! Fucktard...), so these few twinkly or dull lights don't ruin that, they just make your environment something that you'll remember as special.
THE MAIN POINT OF AN ÜBER-WEEK IS TO MAKE IT A SPECIAL OCCASSION THAT WILL STICK WITH YOU AND BE EASILY AND FONDLY REMEMBERED.
So, if you do end up making a habit of holding Ü-Ws every year for yourself, try to switch the feel or the mood up with each one. You don't want them to start blurring together like all your bland and boring childhood birthdays now, do ya? Well, except for your 10th birthday party... That one will always stick out. Goddamn clown and his fucking penis-biting donkey...
Day 4 - Monday - 8:40PM
I forgot to unplug my phone before crashing this morning. Somebody called at around 11AM to try and get me to buy spoons or an insurance policy on my still nonexistent children. I unplugged the house phone, but then at ten till noon Marksy called me on my cell phone that was right next to my fucking head after finding out from Kare that I had the day off. Apparently he wanted to hang out for the day, but he didn't want to die at my sleep-deprived hands so he quickly hung up and cried like a little baby, because he is one.
On and off sleep until 2, then I gave up. I then tried to stay awake, but got tired again rather quickly. I tried to then get an hour or two nap in, but found that the Red Bull I just ingested was making me horny. I mean "awakened". So I went online for a little while.
I started playing KH again at around 5PM, and found a reason to love this game more than any other game I've ever played. I was really getting into the whole thing thanks to the novel idea of "playing the movies, but with an outside character and a strangely strange alternate universe where the Heartless interrupted the original storyline and teamed up with each movie villain," but I really only LOVED the game when I got to Atlantica. Once I found out that I could ogle Ariel from 360 degrees of sweet shell-staring angles, I proposed to it. Yes, I asked a video game to marry me. Oh, man, if I get to check out Pocahontas' nice rack and firm butt later on in the game I will try to make love to my Playstation 2... I just know it!
Sushi. So, I tried to feel up Ariel for a while, let her show me her grotto of wonders, and then killed her fishy nemesisi, Ursula and the shark and the eels. Eels. Eeeeeels. Eeeeeeeeeeels. Eels. Say that like 100 times and it sounds really weird. The weirdest is "Garfield" though. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. Garfield. God I love Ariel. Ariel. Ariel. Ariel. Ariel.
Rule #11: Don't overdo it
No, I'm not talking about each individual Über-Week. While you're in the middle of one I recommend that you overdo the shit out of it. Live it up. If you start to crave something specific at 4 in the morning, by all means, run out to the 24-hour Super Wal-Mart and pick it up. If you are cruising the web while on a "computer break," and you stumble across a site that you've ALWAYS wanted to check out, sign up for it! Overdo anything you want, as long as it does not interfere with any previous rule.
What I'm talking about here with rule #11 is "Don't have more than 2 Über-Weeks a year, and space them at least 8 months apart." You want to look forward to these things, you don't want to grow accustomed to them and then get tired of having them. Having Christmas only once a year as a kid always made the weeks leading up to it almost unbearable, right? Well, this takes that sweet anticipation, and fuses it with a full 4 - 5 days of payback! In that respect it's kind of like mixing Christmas and (the unsucky parts of) Chanukah together into one uberliscious holiday!... With some Halloween thrown in for good measure.
Day 5 - Tuesday - 6:23AM
So, I got to see and do the pleasantly surprising (as in "I didn't even know it was in the game") Halloween Town, from Nightmare Before Christmas. All the voices! Oh, man, it sounded and looked JUST like in the movie! Jack, the Pumpkin King, is the coolest rhyming sonovabitch I know! And I got to help him take down the mighty Oogie Boogie with my goth Sora. Goth Sora is da bomb. But what was more da bomb was what came next. It was perhaps the most coolacularsomeness thing EVER in any game I've ever played. I flew with Peter Pan and fought Captain Hook while flying with the pixie dust too! Oh man! I replayed the Neverland World twice before moving on! Then I got to fly around Big Ben!... Not Matt^3's tubby brother, Ben, but that clock in London! Oh man, this is the kind of feeling that that retarded Psychic Forces game tried to capture but failed miserably at way back when. I think I returned that shit within a day of buying it... Used... For like only $9.95. It wasn't even worth $9.95.
So then, after hangin' with Jack and Pan, I kicked Herc's rump all the way back to his olive-filled, greasy homeland, like the whore that he is. Then I met him at the doors to the Hollow Bastion where Sora's old pal, Riku, was holed up. I met THE BEASSSST!! The Beast is bad ass, bitch! They got his original voice, they made him move like the movie, and they made him kick ass like the monkey cunt mo'fo' he truly is! Oh GOD YES!!!!! HEIL TO THE BEEEEEEEAST!!! The ONLY sucky thing about the Beast is that he fucking blocks out the camera completely when you stand in place and he stands behind you. Man, who the fuck designed the shitty shitty gang bang play mechanics of this game?!... Who cares, THE FUCKING BEAST!!!!! Oh man... This probably means that we won't get The Beast's Castle World in this game. Oh well, I get to kill with the FUCKING BEAST!!!... I am happy.
One more thing before I continue; If I hear Haley Joel as Sora say the word "heart" one more fucking time, I'm going ape-bat shit (i.e. that's when an ape eats a bat, then shits it out). Every other word out of his Dizneyfied mouth is "heart". "We can't let our HEARTS go! We must trust our HEART, and everything will be okay. My HEART tells me HEART that HEART you HEART truly HEART do HEART have HEART a HEART heart HEART!" AAAAARRRRRRGH!!! I wish the BEAST would just rip out HIS heart... Then he'd be a Heartless... Heh heh. Bwa ha ha ha!!.................................... Why is that funny? Wait, where am I? Am I IN a Dizney movie?... Again?
So there you have it
The makings of an Über-Week. Now, don't get overwhelmed and freak out at the number of rules I set up for this kind of special week. These are just things I've come up with over the past ten years of experimenting. They do offer the best possible combination of pleasoyment and funtitude, but they're not all entirely necessary to pull off an inaugural Ü-W of your own. Have fun. Piss your entire family off by telling them that you're taking a vacation and that you don't want to hear from them for about a week. Play a great game from start to finish. Get fat(ter). Start a tradition that you can eventually pass on to your offspring that will mean more to them than setting up a dead evergreen in your living room. The Über-Week is a "ME Holiday" to end all selfish holidays! Wallow in it. Become ONE with the ÜBER.
That is all I can teach you. Now go out there and LIVE IT UP!.... You lazy sonovabitch, you.
Day 5 - Tuesday - 10:01AM
Ooooooh yeah! Fuck you, Maleficent! Fuck you, Riku! Fuck you, Samson!... Hamson?... Anderson?... Whatever! Fuck you ALL! I am your master, you are my BEECHES!!! HA!
It is done. It took fucking longer than Final Fantasy X, but Kingdom Hearts is defeated... defiled; at just under 34 hours of gameplay (though granted, about 4 of those hours were spent getting lost in Alice in Wonderland and Monstro). Holy shit, KH had more final bosses than ALL the Final Fantasies combined! But they were kind of easy. I never died once through the whole game. Bwa ha hah ha!! I even killed that fucking Bald Mountain demon! Holy Shit! I fought and killed the Bald Mountain demon!! I AM A GOD!!!!
The Hollow Bastion was a kind of cool level, but what the fuck did those Final Fantasy kids mean that it was their home?! And why was Alice a "Princess of Heart" but not Ariel? And why didn't they use more Mulan shit instead of just that gay Eddie Murphy dragon? And why didn't they use any of the Black Cauldron or the shitty 60s, 70s and 80s Dizney movies in the game? You know, like Jungle Book, Robin Hood, or Oliver and Company? Yeah, they sucked, but so did Lion King, and Simba was still the strongest summon.
Fighting Maleficent was reeeeally wicked cool! Yeah, it was pretty obvious that she'd turn into that demon-dragon before all was over, but it was still a jolt to see her transform right in front of you. I also called the fact that Riku or Kairi would be the final big baddy. Well, it was Riku and that Hanson guy merged into one, but still I win. I WIN! I AM YOUR KING! BOOOOOOW BEFORE ME!!!!
Cloud finally hooked up with Aerith, which was cool to see, but no Rinoa for Squall. And how the fuck did Mickey get past you and into that Dark Heart gate?! Was I sleepily drunk passed out again when that happened? I AM KING!!!! Still would have liked some FFIV or FFVI characters... So sad. But whatever, I met Belle in the library and made sure that the Beast finally got some yellow tafata-action of his own. I saw Sephiroth in Herc's world, and he's still mega-gay. I can't get that "Simple and Clean" ending, J-Pop song the fuck out of my head, and I am about to collapse from holding my breath for some reason while writing this last paragraph. BUT I AM YOUR KING NOW, YOU HEARLTESS BASTARDS OUT THERE! YES!!!!
NOTES FROM THE EDITOR:
"Über-Week"? Is he serious? This is really kind of sad. I guess it shows how popular the Rossman is when he's out of circulation for a week and nobody seems to notice. He did tell me that after he finished the game he slept for about 14 hours straight, and then did nothing but watch Disney movies till Wednesday night.... That rat skunk! If his game playing was over, why didn't he invite me over to watch those flicks with him?! He knows I never pass up a chance to sing along with Aladdin's genie, Mulan, Tarzan's monkeys and Ariel! I wouldn't have snuggled up on the couch with him and Karen, I would have stayed on the floor, like he always makes me do anyway. Well, to heck with him, I say! I think I'll have an Über-Week of my own, but instead of stupid role playing games, I'll do it with Strong Bad cartoons. I'll watch them all 30 times over, in a monster marathon! Then... Then the Rossman will respect me.
Oh, and did you notice that Saturday log that he made, where he scratched that one part out? I made sure that stayed in.