The Interview of a Lifetime and a Madman
(Saddam Hussein and Me)
(This Interview took place on 03/19/2003, just 1 hour before [US President] Bush's deadline for Saddam and the Hussein boyz to leave Iraq)

I got the chance assignment of a lifetime on the 19th of March, 2003! My editor was able to get in touch with then Iraqi dick(tator)'s press secretary/slave girl, and help me wringle my way into the Iraqi Imperial Palace of Doom for a quid pro quo, gloves-off interview that the world had never seen the likes of before. This is that interview.

The Rossman
Me

 Well hellooooooooo, Sadman! Whooo! This is quite a downtrodden little country you got here. What's up with the guy holding the knife to my throat? I kid. I kid. That's what I do. No disrepect intended, you shitball of evilness.

Seriously, though, what's up with the dude with the knife at my throat?

Saddam Hussein
Sadman Hussein
 Infidel American pig dog! You burst into my palace while I am shtooping my number three sheep, and you start demanding answers to your stupid American me-hating questions?! You disappoint me, laddie...

The Rossman
Uncle Sammin' it!

 Oooooh shit! You can speaka the English?! Note to self, read background info on interviewee before next interview.

I think we got off on the wrong sandal there, Sandman. Let's start again, shall we?......

Saddam Hussein
Sadman Hussein
 *Cricket Noises*

The Rossman
Me

 Yeeeeeaaaaah... Okay, tell you what, we'll do some squid pro blow. Just like Hannibal Lecter and Clarice! I'll go first.

*Ahem!* Okay, when I was in 1st grade, my older brother's friend talked me into pinching all the girls' bottoms as they walked past me on the bus. My brother got in trouble for it though and was almost beaten to death by an 8th grade girl on the high school wrestling team. Now, let me ask you something embarrassing. Sadham, does Iraq have weapons of mass destruction in its possession?

Saddam Hussein
Sadman Hussein
 *Sigh..* Very well, Pinchy. I shall honor your soon to be dead body with an answer. Ye-.. Errrr, No. It would be stupid of us to have mass weapons in our arsenal. We do not even celebrate the "mass". That is your evil stupid Catholic tradition. We, and by that I mean me, are evil people. We only use weapons that can kill lots of people at one time. Like anthrax and airplanes into buildings. Shit like that.

The Rossman
Me

 I see. Okay, my turn. I think your mustache is sexy.

Now riddle me this, riddle me that... Did you really put a hit out on George Bush Sr. after the original Gulf War? If so, are you really that fucking insane? If so, do you like to lick razor blades too?

Saddam Hussein
Sadman Hussein
 Ahhhhh, I see confusion in your eyes, little one. Or is that fear? Is that why your trousers are filling up with urine? Very well. (Hussein then procedes to shout lots of things out in a foreign language that sounded like he was trying to clear his throat after swallowing a couple of glasses of gism. Then the guy who was holding the knife at my adam's apple sheathes his weapon and backs away) Is that better, Betsy Wetsy? Need a hanky?

The Rossman
Me

 *Sniff* No, I'm fine. But let's move on. Let's see here... I gathered a bunch of questions from some 8 year-olds and some grown members of the United States government to ask you, and unfortunately I seem to have gotten them mixed up. I wanted to ask you the grown-up questions first. Hmmmmmm....

Okay, here's one: Saddam, why do you like to get fucked in the ass with red-hot pokers? I was fucking your dead mother last night and she wanted to know where she went wrong in raising you.

Saddam Hussein
Sadman Hussein
 *Nervous laughter mixed with rage* Heh-heh... Boy, I believe you got your questions out of order. I will not respond to such juvenile slander with any kind of an answer... Ask me something from one of your evil bastard government officials.

The Rossman
Me

 Ummm, I did. That last one was from Senator Kennedy. But, ummm, Oh! Here's a good one from Timmy Sanders of Texas. Timmy asks: Mr. Booger Licker, why are you trying to kill me and my family? Please be nice and do not do it anymore. Plus why do you feel that the economic instability of the Third World Arabic countries owes its turbulent existence to countries outside of OPEC, and more specifically, the US and its allies?

Awwwww, isn't that cute... It appears that Timmy thinks that your vendetta against the US and non-Muslim states is a personal death-threat to him and his family.

Saddam Hussein
Sadman Hussein
 Actually, Mr. Rosswoman, Timmy is very astute. I have been trying to assassinate the little bitch for many a moon now for reasons that I cannot get into for fear of exposing some secret government secrets. But, for his own benefit, Timmy is quite elusive. I have theory that he is ninja trained. Timmy is very very bad boy to say the least. I would like to spank him.. Yesssss, with a leather glove! Ohhh yessssss.

The Rossman
Me

 (Flipping through note cards) Hmmmmm, you know what? Let's just screw these reader questions. Most of them are all like, "Do you rape babies?" and stuff. Since we all know that you do, there's no sense covering them.

Oh! Here's something I've been meaning to find out: Since you're really a woman in disguise, who really fathered your children?

Saddam Hussein
Sadman Hussein
 Oh boy... Sajida told me to expect this one.. You see, my lovely, hairy wife was never unfaithful to me. First, let me back up a little. Clarify a few things for you Yankee Russian cows and your fat fat hind quarters. I am not a woman. I am not. I did suffer a terrible tragedy when I was 16 years old and I tried to have sex with my father's Volkswagon and--

The Rossman
Me
 Whoa there! I think your sprechen sie Englisch is a bit off. Did you mean "When I had sex IN my father's car?"

Saddam Hussein
Sadman Hussein
 Unfortunately no. I speaka sie correctly. That was the whole cause of the accident. I attempted to have relations with the tailpipe of my father's automobile, but then something went horribly horribly wrong. My mother did not know that I was attempting to impregnate the vehicle and she wanted to go to the Kabalachimachankahn Shopping District for to purchase some more of that ass-wart cream that she loved so very much. Well, I was burned and then dragged for a good 16 kilometers before my peepee was disconnected from my body. That was a very embarrassing day.

The Rossman
Me
 I said goddamn! Dude, why didn't you just do what everyone else in your backwards little country does when they need some poontang: rape your sister or sweet talk the neighbor's goat or something instead of fucking a car! I mean, you find just one rusty spot in the tailpipe and you're turning the lil' general into ground beef on a stick!

Saddam Hussein
Sadman Hussein

 *Sigh* Unfortunately, kabeleschtahrah fondler, I did not have your wisdom in my youth. Besides, zee car, she joost sat zhere and begged me to stick my purple headed soldier into her plum pudding.

Anyway, my children are not out of wedlock. I gave my wife permission to get fooked by man who was wearing mask of myself. Therefore it was indeed me who did the fooking.

The Rossman
Me

  .................Sweet zombie Jesus!

Ooooh, wait, I've been meaning to ask you this really important question that would clear up a whole lot of speculation back in the States. Are you French?

Saddam Hussein
Sadman Hussein
 How dare you insult me, you bitch of a mosquito penis you! Come on now! I may kill and torure my own government officials, but I'm not even that low.

The Rossman
Uncle Sammin' it!
 Well let's just look at the facts! You don't bathe. You wear berets. You have tons of mistresses. You're rude. You hate Americans... Face it, buddy, if not by nationality, you're spiritually French. Go suck a snail or something, guvnor! Sacre blur! Eat a baguette and dress up like a mime. You are French!.... Or even worse, a French Canadian.

Saddam Hussein
Sadman Hussein
 Do not deflower my presence with your Frenchy insinuations! At least we Iraqis know what kind of a threat we pose to the free world! Fuck the French!

The Rossman
Me
Well, uh, next question. Sadie Hawkins, do you know Osama bin Laden, and if so, what do you think about his beard? Yikes, right? I mean, that thing is like Don King turned upside down!

Saddam Hussein
Sadman Hussein
 Yes, yes, I know Osama. He is, how you say, "camel jerking cum sandwich" of a man. We have not been friends since that time that I invited him over to the palace for some casserole that the little missus had whipped up. He comes prancing in, insults the murals of myself that I have up on all the walls, tells me my evil sons are stupid and worthless, claims the meal is burnt and he never once said a simple "thank you" to us for entertaining him that night.

The Rossman
Me
 What an ass cock!

Saddam Hussein
Sadman Hussein
 ?...................

The Rossman
Me

 "Ass" as in "donkey".

But I digress. Continue your gay little story. Please.

Saddam Hussein
Sadman Hussein
 Shay shay. So, the turban head mongo didn't even have the courtessy to take off his goddamn sandals while walking on the brand new carpet I just had put in! It took my slaves 3 days to get all that ground in shit out of it!! And by "shit" I mean shit! He must have walked through a sheep field right before coming over. Oye what a stench!

The Rossman
Me
 So no love lost between you and Froin Laden, huh?

Saddam Hussein
Sadman Hussein

 Welllllllll, don't get me wrong, puppy penis. I respect the man. I really do. He is as big as a dickhead as I sometimes. I mean, flying fully fueled jets into big American buildings?!? Come on, that is just genius, man!

Oop! You might want to watch what you do there, Turkish snake.

(Saddam is referring to the punch I tried to throw at him which was blocked and then thrown back into my face by his Frankenstein-like bodyguard)

The Rossman
Me
 *Owwww!* Clit poppers! Snizzle fopp ticklers!!!

Saddam Hussein
Sadman Hussein

 Come, boy. Walk with me and admire the many homoerotic portraits and busts of myself around my palace!

(We begin to walk around, and I notice that in most of the images of himself just lying around, Hussein is molesting young boys or himself. I begin to gag.)

What? Oh for the love of Pete! Surely this cannot be offensive imagery to your Western eyes! I mean, this kind of act is tradition with the priests of your country, no?

The Rossman
Me

 *Urk!* Ugh, let's just get back to the interview, shall we?

So, how many of your own people did you kill today?

Saddam Hussein
Sadman Hussein
 Ahhh! That is trick a question. None! I killed 20,000 Kurds and stuff this morning, but they ain't my peeps. Seriously, anybody who doesn't like me is not part of my posse in the first place, so they are tastefully exterminated.

The Rossman
Me
 "Tastefully exterminated?" What the hell does that mean?

Saddam Hussein
Sadman Hussein
 *Sigh* You and your weak Western culture. It means that I made them "tasty". I had them turned into a nice and spicy curry powder and ate them for lunch. Duh! That's how it's done.

The Rossman
Me

 You... You fucking monster! That's disgusting!

(Then I spit out the crackers and pâté I was eating just in case)

Saddam Hussein
Sadman Hussein
 What?! You never heard of Kurds and whey?

The Rossman
Me

 You make me sick, man. You really do.

But on to the next question. Do you really think you can beat the US led coallition that's going to march into your country in about 15 more minutes and paint the sand with your intestines? Do you think you have a chance?

Saddam Hussein
 Is no question, comrad. I have God and 27 virgins who are waiting for me in the next life on my side! Plus you Americans are weak and cannot possibly make it across the entire desert to get to me before my handpicked troops can--

The Rossman
Me
 Uhhhhh, excuse me, Sadnads, but I think you have something on your forehead. It's like right here. No, that didn't get it off. You know, it seems to be coming from that window up there.

Saddam Hussein
 Probably just the moonlight. Anyway, back to my brave and undefeatable troops. I would like to point ou-

The Rossman
Uncle Sammin' it!

 Crap in a hat!

(I then wave to the US Ranger in the window)

Well, it looks like our time is over. Excuse me while I step out of the line of fire and blanket myself in a big American flag. Thank you for your final moments, Mr. Madman Hussein, but by the looks of my watch it's about time for me to get the hell out of Dodge.

Saddam Hussein

 Beat it, you scorpion sitter uponer! Go back to your precious Democratic Republic! See if I care! I'm just going to watch everything unfold on your pathetic CNN.

(He sits down and turns on his big screen TV)

Waitaminute.... Is that my front door on the news?

Notes From The Editor: This sucks! I never get to travel anywhere with the Rossman! I had to stay in the States while he went off to interview Saddam. I bet he had belly dancers and Pudding Pops galore while I had to continue living off of whatever he left in his cupboard after I broke into his place right after I dropped him off at the airport. He didn't even ask my question about My Little Pony!


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