The
Rossman
 |
Well hellooooooooo, Sadman! Whooo! This is quite a downtrodden
little country you got here. What's up with the guy holding the
knife to my throat? I kid. I kid. That's what I do. No disrepect
intended, you shitball of evilness.
Seriously, though, what's up with the dude with the knife
at my throat? |
Saddam
Hussein
 |
Infidel American pig dog! You burst into my palace while
I am shtooping my number three sheep, and you start demanding
answers to your stupid American me-hating questions?! You disappoint
me, laddie... |
The
Rossman
 |
Oooooh shit! You can speaka the English?! Note to
self, read background info on interviewee before next interview.
I think we got off on the wrong sandal there, Sandman. Let's
start again, shall we?...... |
Saddam
Hussein
|
*Cricket Noises* |
The
Rossman
|
Yeeeeeaaaaah... Okay, tell you what, we'll do some squid
pro blow. Just like Hannibal Lecter and Clarice! I'll go first.
*Ahem!* Okay, when I was in 1st grade, my older brother's
friend talked me into pinching all the girls' bottoms as they
walked past me on the bus. My brother got in trouble for it though
and was almost beaten to death by an 8th grade girl on the high
school wrestling team. Now, let me ask you something embarrassing.
Sadham, does Iraq have weapons of mass destruction in its possession? |
Saddam
Hussein
|
*Sigh..* Very well, Pinchy. I shall honor your soon
to be dead body with an answer. Ye-.. Errrr, No. It would
be stupid of us to have mass weapons in our arsenal. We do not
even celebrate the "mass". That is your evil stupid
Catholic tradition. We, and by that I mean me, are evil
people. We only use weapons that can kill lots of people at one
time. Like anthrax and airplanes into buildings. Shit like that. |
The
Rossman
|
I see. Okay, my turn. I think your mustache is sexy.
Now riddle me this, riddle me that... Did you really put a
hit out on George Bush Sr. after the original Gulf War? If so,
are you really that fucking insane? If so, do you like to lick
razor blades too? |
Saddam
Hussein
|
Ahhhhh, I see confusion in your eyes, little one. Or is
that fear? Is that why your trousers are filling up with urine?
Very well. (Hussein then procedes to shout lots of things
out in a foreign language that sounded like he was trying to
clear his throat after swallowing a couple of glasses of gism.
Then the guy who was holding the knife at my adam's apple sheathes
his weapon and backs away) Is that better, Betsy Wetsy? Need
a hanky? |
The
Rossman
|
*Sniff* No, I'm fine. But let's move on.
Let's see here... I gathered a bunch of questions from some 8
year-olds and some grown members of the United States government
to ask you, and unfortunately I seem to have gotten them mixed
up. I wanted to ask you the grown-up questions first. Hmmmmmm....
Okay, here's one: Saddam, why do you like to get fucked
in the ass with red-hot pokers? I was fucking your dead mother
last night and she wanted to know where she went wrong in raising
you. |
Saddam
Hussein
|
*Nervous laughter mixed with rage* Heh-heh...
Boy, I believe you got your questions out of order. I will not
respond to such juvenile slander with any kind of an answer...
Ask me something from one of your evil bastard government officials. |
The
Rossman
|
Ummm, I did. That last one was from Senator Kennedy.
But, ummm, Oh! Here's a good one from Timmy Sanders of Texas.
Timmy asks: Mr. Booger Licker, why are you trying to kill
me and my family? Please be nice and do not do it anymore. Plus
why do you feel that the economic instability of the Third World
Arabic countries owes its turbulent existence to countries outside
of OPEC, and more specifically, the US and its allies?
Awwwww, isn't that cute... It appears that Timmy thinks that
your vendetta against the US and non-Muslim states is a personal
death-threat to him and his family. |
Saddam
Hussein
|
Actually, Mr. Rosswoman, Timmy is very astute. I have been
trying to assassinate the little bitch for many a moon now for
reasons that I cannot get into for fear of exposing some secret
government secrets. But, for his own benefit, Timmy is quite
elusive. I have theory that he is ninja trained. Timmy is very
very bad boy to say the least. I would like to spank him.. Yesssss,
with a leather glove! Ohhh yessssss. |
The
Rossman
|
(Flipping through note cards) Hmmmmm, you know what?
Let's just screw these reader questions. Most of them are all
like, "Do you rape babies?" and stuff. Since we all
know that you do, there's no sense covering them.
Oh! Here's something I've been meaning to find out: Since
you're really a woman in disguise, who really fathered your children? |
Saddam
Hussein
|
Oh boy... Sajida told me to expect this one.. You see,
my lovely, hairy wife was never unfaithful to me. First, let
me back up a little. Clarify a few things for you Yankee Russian
cows and your fat fat hind quarters. I am not a woman.
I am not. I did suffer a terrible tragedy when I was 16 years
old and I tried to have sex with my father's Volkswagon and-- |
The
Rossman
|
Whoa there! I think your sprechen sie Englisch is a bit
off. Did you mean "When I had sex IN my father's
car?" |
Saddam
Hussein
|
Unfortunately no. I speaka sie correctly. That was the
whole cause of the accident. I attempted to have relations with
the tailpipe of my father's automobile, but then something went
horribly horribly wrong. My mother did not know that I was attempting
to impregnate the vehicle and she wanted to go to the Kabalachimachankahn
Shopping District for to purchase some more of that ass-wart
cream that she loved so very much. Well, I was burned and then
dragged for a good 16 kilometers before my peepee was disconnected
from my body. That was a very embarrassing day. |
The
Rossman
|
I said goddamn! Dude, why didn't you just do what everyone
else in your backwards little country does when they need some
poontang: rape your sister or sweet talk the neighbor's goat
or something instead of fucking a car! I mean, you find just
one rusty spot in the tailpipe and you're turning the lil' general
into ground beef on a stick! |
Saddam
Hussein
|
*Sigh* Unfortunately, kabeleschtahrah fondler, I did
not have your wisdom in my youth. Besides, zee car, she joost
sat zhere and begged me to stick my purple headed soldier into
her plum pudding.
Anyway, my children are not out of wedlock. I gave my wife
permission to get fooked by man who was wearing mask of myself.
Therefore it was indeed me who did the fooking. |
The
Rossman
|
.................Sweet zombie Jesus!
Ooooh, wait, I've been meaning to ask you this really important
question that would clear up a whole lot of speculation back
in the States. Are you French? |
Saddam
Hussein
|
How dare you insult me, you bitch of a mosquito penis you!
Come on now! I may kill and torure my own government officials,
but I'm not even that low. |
The
Rossman
|
Well let's just look at the facts! You don't bathe. You
wear berets. You have tons of mistresses. You're rude. You hate
Americans... Face it, buddy, if not by nationality, you're spiritually
French. Go suck a snail or something, guvnor! Sacre blur! Eat
a baguette and dress up like a mime. You are French!....
Or even worse, a French Canadian. |
Saddam
Hussein
|
Do not deflower my presence with your Frenchy insinuations!
At least we Iraqis know what kind of a threat we pose
to the free world! Fuck the French! |
The
Rossman
|
Well, uh, next question. Sadie Hawkins, do you know Osama bin
Laden, and if so, what do you think about his beard? Yikes, right?
I mean, that thing is like Don King turned upside down! |
Saddam
Hussein
|
Yes, yes, I know Osama. He is, how you say, "camel
jerking cum sandwich" of a man. We have not been friends
since that time that I invited him over to the palace for some
casserole that the little missus had whipped up. He comes prancing
in, insults the murals of myself that I have up on all the walls,
tells me my evil sons are stupid and worthless, claims the meal
is burnt and he never once said a simple "thank you"
to us for entertaining him that night. |
The
Rossman
|
What an ass cock! |
Saddam
Hussein
|
?................... |
The
Rossman
|
"Ass" as in "donkey".
But I digress. Continue your gay little story. Please. |
Saddam
Hussein
|
Shay shay. So, the turban head mongo didn't even have the
courtessy to take off his goddamn sandals while walking on the
brand new carpet I just had put in! It took my slaves 3 days
to get all that ground in shit out of it!! And by "shit"
I mean shit! He must have walked through a sheep field right
before coming over. Oye what a stench! |
The
Rossman
|
So no love lost between you and Froin Laden, huh? |
Saddam
Hussein
|
Welllllllll, don't get me wrong, puppy penis. I respect
the man. I really do. He is as big as a dickhead as I sometimes.
I mean, flying fully fueled jets into big American buildings?!?
Come on, that is just genius, man!
Oop! You might want to watch what you do there, Turkish snake.
(Saddam is referring to the punch I tried to throw at
him which was blocked and then thrown back into my face by his
Frankenstein-like bodyguard) |
The
Rossman
|
*Owwww!* Clit poppers! Snizzle fopp ticklers!!! |
Saddam
Hussein
|
Come, boy. Walk with me and admire the many homoerotic
portraits and busts of myself around my palace!
(We begin to walk around, and I notice that in most
of the images of himself just lying around, Hussein is molesting
young boys or himself. I begin to gag.)
What? Oh for the love of Pete! Surely this cannot be offensive
imagery to your Western eyes! I mean, this kind of act is tradition
with the priests of your country, no? |
The
Rossman
|
*Urk!* Ugh, let's just get back to the interview,
shall we?
So, how many of your own people did you kill today? |
Saddam
Hussein
|
Ahhh! That is trick a question. None! I killed 20,000 Kurds
and stuff this morning, but they ain't my peeps. Seriously, anybody
who doesn't like me is not part of my posse in the first place,
so they are tastefully exterminated. |
The
Rossman
|
"Tastefully exterminated?" What the hell does
that mean? |
Saddam
Hussein
|
*Sigh* You and your weak Western culture. It means
that I made them "tasty". I had them turned into a
nice and spicy curry powder and ate them for lunch. Duh! That's
how it's done. |
The
Rossman
|
You... You fucking monster! That's disgusting!
(Then I spit out the crackers and pâté
I was eating just in case) |
Saddam
Hussein
|
What?! You never heard of Kurds and whey? |
The
Rossman
|
You make me sick, man. You really do.
But on to the next question. Do you really think you can beat
the US led coallition that's going to march into your country
in about 15 more minutes and paint the sand with your intestines?
Do you think you have a chance? |
Saddam
Hussein
 |
Is no question, comrad. I have God and 27 virgins who are
waiting for me in the next life on my side! Plus you Americans
are weak and cannot possibly make it across the entire desert
to get to me before my handpicked troops can-- |
The
Rossman
|
Uhhhhh, excuse me, Sadnads, but I think you have something
on your forehead. It's like right here. No, that didn't get it
off. You know, it seems to be coming from that window up there. |
Saddam
Hussein
|
Probably just the moonlight. Anyway, back to my brave and
undefeatable troops. I would like to point ou- |
The
Rossman
|
Crap in a hat!
(I then wave to the US Ranger in the window)
Well, it looks like our time is over. Excuse me while I step
out of the line of fire and blanket myself in a big American
flag. Thank you for your final moments, Mr. Madman Hussein, but
by the looks of my watch it's about time for me to get the hell
out of Dodge. |
Saddam
Hussein
|
Beat it, you scorpion sitter uponer! Go back to your
precious Democratic Republic! See if I care! I'm just going to
watch everything unfold on your pathetic CNN.
(He sits down and turns on his big screen TV)
Waitaminute.... Is that my front door on the news? |