still here, huh? I guess you want my radical forward thinking
advice on how to stay unpoor. My ideas are pretty simple, and
once you hear them I'm sure that you'll slap your forehead or
a shapely girl's ass and cry out, "That's so simple it's
stupid!" Most of my ideas create that kind of response.
IDEA #1: Start your own credit card
Probably the most legal of all my ideas, if you do
it right. First of all, don't just go around trying to get people
to give you their personal banking information and social security
numbers. You could get into big big trouble and sent to the slammer
where you have to ward off some giant of a man who thinks he's
your child-sexing daddy every night before you go to bed with
your chastity belt firmly locked into place... Or so I've heard.
If you're going to do this one, do it the correct way. Sign all
of the right paperwork that Uncle Sam makes you sign in order
to start your own credit dealing business. Give yourself a friendly
title like "We Love You The Best - Credit Card" or
"Free Whores - Credit Card," and then go to as many
college campuses as you can and get those stupid dicks (aka "the
students") to sign up for your "0% first month APR
(500% per month after that)" service. The key to getting
hundreds of the drunk pukes to sign up is to give away free soda,
glow-in-the-dark condoms, or Doritos with every card. Then, when
98% of your clients fail to pay in-full the $10,000 limit that
they've already hit in the second month, you rake them through
the coals and destroy their financial prospects all the way through
to their great grandkids' fiscal future. And the best thing about
this plan is that the government will help you collect the cash!
Just remember, you must not let the little pukes read
the fine print on the card contract that you make them sign.
That would spoil the big surprise.
IDEA #2: Become the lowly... Beg
in the streets
This isn't my original IDEA #2, but since I don't
want to get sued out of whatever little moneys I have left (and
because I'm a big pussy), I changed it to this present piece
of advice: Beg for money.
Start by finding a spot (preferably in a big city where you're
less likely to be hassled by "the man"). The best spots
are probably already taken (those would be the ones in front
of the subway station, taxi stand, or the hotdog cart), but do
not give up! The homeless bastards who already have claim to
the best locations will probably die within a week from some
hideous lung disease or a knife fight over an empty bottle of
whiskey. Be waiting in the wings to slip in to the then open
real estate! The only problem after that is keeping your spot.
If you actually still live in an apartment or a house and are
only begging for some spending cash or dope money, then you run
the risk of losing your precious bum-space to some psycho with
a crazy eye and a mean twitch if you leave every night. The best
way around this little problem is to set up a chalk outline of
a severely mutilated body (i.e. limbs detached from the torso
and ketchup-blood all around), with police tape cordoning it
off, every single night you retire to your warm four walls and
a ceiling. That'll keep those hopped-up-on-goofball fuckers from
messing with your personal space!
Now, begging doesn't have to be a total humiliation
for you (and your family and friends who, when they see you out
in the street with a McDonald's cup with a few nickels in it
at your feet, will more than likely ignore you from then on).
You just have to be able to do it with some (of what's left of
your) dignity. Wear a shirt! Wear some pants! Shoes are optional,
but remember that most people don't want to see clawed toenails
on soot-blackened feet when they walk to the subway in the morning.
Always think of your customers. Plus, I've found that people
are actually willing to pay MORE to wastrels who actually look
nice. Curious that. They give more money to the guys who
look like they don't even need it. Use that and make it work
IDEA #3: Go with the flow
Yeah, I said that these ideas would keep you from
hitting the poor house (which is an oxymoron since the poor don't
live in any houses, just some cardboard boxes over on Carlton
Street which at 3AM you can urinate on while you stumble over
to the taxi stand), but IDEA #3 may really be your only choice.
Just go with the flow of the whole "poor" thing...
But do it right. First, admit to yourself that you lost
the war and that you're going to be broke in a short amount of
time. Go through the seven steps of coping: That would be anger,
more anger, rage, self pity, clobberin' time, blind Canadian
rage, and acceptance. Then use your last saved pennies and by
a one-way ticket to Maui. Live your life as a beach bum in paradise
and never think about money again.
IDEA #3 might even be the most fulfilling of all my methods.
Just go all wikki-wikki and hakuna mattata. Then write me a postcard
and let me know how it's going... I think I overspent on that
famous divas 20-piece blow-up doll collection I got off of ebay.
Somebody's pounding the hell out of my front door right now demanding
some cold hard cash.
So the moral of the whole
story is: Don't be a feckin' slu-ser. Don't get a credit card
if you can't immediately pay it off, don't call 1-900 numbers
on your own phone (your friend's phone is okay though), don't
get addicted to DVDs, and most importantly DON'T invest in the
Stock Market... Unless you've heard a little insider "Martha
Stewart"-like info. Then buy buy buy!
This picture to
the right is my old stockbroker, Slimmy Jammer. He's Jimmy Jammer's
assoholic uncle. He talked me into buying 25,000 shares of Soylent
Puppy Chow in the mid 1990s. As soon as dogs learned that Soylent
Puppy Chow is puppies... PUPPIES!... dog owners stopped
buying the crap and the stock was soon sleeping with the fishes
along with Slimmy. Actually, I think that's when the whole "Jimmy
Jammer HATE Rossman" thing originally started. See, all
evil is born of the Stock Market. What a Khan.