Now before anybody thinks that I may be a little irrational
with my choice of intangible love interest I feel that I must
point out that I have many good arguments to back up the Buffster.
One has to take into account all the qualities and lifestyle
choices a fictitious lover has before making a commitment. In
the Slayer's favor we have her friends (well, I'm thinking mostly
of the two cute lesbian witches that hang with her), her occupation
(she kills demons and vamps deader than they initially were)
and her sense of duty (to everything in her life).
Let's start with her fish-eating friends shall we. Willow
(the flute floozy from American Pie) and Tara are the
best kind of friends a Vampire Slayer could want. They're both
semi-powerful witches in training and they're gay. While they
may be "happy" gay too I'm referring to their prime
choice of sexuality here. They are a pair of lovely lesbian witches.
And I'm not just talking "Wicca" wiseacres here. Will
and Tar do the whole witch thing in between their hot and oily
love lessons. They cast spells, chant stuff and hang out at the
local magic shop.
I knew a Wicca once. She wasn't hot or a lesbian though...
well, not that I know of or even fantasize about. She was all
weird and head-shaven. It was kinda scary. She even got all pissed
and threatened me when I started making fun of her religion by
saying stuff like "Well, I'm going to Pier 1 Imports
now. Do you want me to pick you up some 'wicca' furniture?"
and "Can you pass me another candle? The 'wicca' on this
one's almost burnt out." I have no idea what crawled up
her ass. She even threatened me with the combined power of her
whole coven if I didn't stop calling her a "Wiccan Wino"
whenever I'd catch her with a drink... Buffy's lesbians would
never do that! But you know what the worst part was? The
favorite movie of my Wiccan acquaintance was The Craft.
I mean, holy shit! That's what caused me to run. That and the
fact that she and her friends cast a spell to shrink a certain
part of my anatomy.
To the left you'll find
a picture of two lesbian witches. No, they're not the two cuties
from Buffy, but they are hot.
Are you starting to understand
why I love Ms. Summers? I mean, sure, the rest of her friends
may be geeks or annoying twitty Brittish farts, but look at the
picture to the left again! Lesbian witches!! That, my friends,
is what we literary and thesaurusy types refer to as "Ingenious"!!
Buffy has more than a few other worthy pals though. While
I might want nothing more than a show of just the Slayer slaying
all sorts of dark beings of the night while the camera cuts to
Willow and Tara giving each other sensual massages in a cheap
hotel, I do understand what the writers are doing by including
a bunch of other freaks and geeks into the mix. I guess I'm not
the only demographic that they're looking for. Geeks like Xander
and Giles hold their own in the course of each episode and they
usually have witty remarks to hurl at the bad guy of the week
while my Buffy is pounding it senseless with a stick or a tombstone.
But it's the freaks like the semi-British (semi-surfer dude)
125 year old vamp Spike, and the 1000 year old ex-vengeance demon
and full on sex kitten Anyanka (aka Anya) that make me realize
that my utopia of nothing but Killing machines and lesbians might
be a bit far-fetched.
Spike (aka William the Bloody) is pretty much a bad ass. He's
killed 2 Slayers in the past and now has a major chubby for my
Buffy. And who can blame him? As for Anya, well she's just a
hottie in her own right. To be honest I'd probably have chosen
her instead of the Buffmeister as the focus of my disturbing
obsession if she were a cast regular when I started watching
the show a few years back. She's just so yummy and she's the
perfect smart ass too. Alas, she doesn't decrapitate demons by
the dozen so I'm still fully focused on Ms. Summers. In the future
I may be a big enough man to share my haunted affection between
the two lovely chicas, so there's still some hope I guess.
Did you ever see
the episode where there were TWO Willows? Holy shit, what a concept!
One was an evil vampire from another dimension and one was the
pre-lez redhead we all knew and loved. I don't know why they
didn't do this kind of ratings stunt every other week! The only
problem was the fact that neither Will ever got fully nekkid
and they never made out with each other.