Man, if Iron Man was really this cool then he wouldn't have ever had to join those pussy Avengers to help his image.
IRON CHEF: the Battle for Fate!! Part II

THE JUDGES cont...
Thank God that Asako isn't the only honorable peasant that Kaga lets sample his wares. We the viewers are lucky enough to see some pretty hot starlets too. While some of the movie and TV star babes that sit in the judges' booth pretend to know how to boil water, nobody actually gives a shit what she's talking about as long as she keeps smiling and looking so damn cute.
My favorite chickie star that appears fairly often is Azuma Chizuru. Fukui-san will actually stop talking about his hemorrhoids for a few minutes during the intense cooking action to listen to what she has to say and ogle her chest. Every so often she even comes up with some insight into what the Iron Chef or the competitor is doing.

"Well, so I thought that if the garden hose was about the right size, why should I go about installing a bidet in my bathroom anyway-... Oh, Azuma-san, did your tit- uh, did you have something to add?"

"*Giggle* Yes, Fukui-san, it appears that Iron Chef Italian is actually adding pasghetti sauce to his noodles. That looks yummy!"

"Yes you do!"

Azuma-chan is a cutie pie. She's one of the best commentators to listen to too. And you just know that behind the scenes Fukui-san convinces her that "nibbling his shrimp cocktail" is a right of passage for all TIC honorable judges. Ya know, I'm sure he cons all the judges into doing that. What a sick bastard!


After the chefs have slaved away for precisely an hour the cooking must stop and be presented for judging. Both the Iron Chef and the Visiting Team must repeat everything that they already told Ohta on the floor that they did to each of their courses. Then the praising begins. Seeing as it takes place in Japan, the judges have to suck up as best they can (especially because the mighty lord of the land Kaga decrees it!!). Actually, it seems that the old witch Asako never does, but I'm guessing that's because she's already legally dead and Kaga can't really threaten her with anything anyway.

First the honorable competitor serves his meals. Even though it must be hard to not regurgitate the sweet and sour baby elephant's rectum, the judges usually hold together well and sometimes even find some compliments that are not really lies.

"*Giggle* I like how firm the rectum still is after you basted it and broiled it for an hour. I close my eyes and I cannot believe it is baby elephant anus!"

"Yes, I tried to contain the feel and sapor of the element. It was a challenge, but I believe I succeeded."

Bitchy Asako:

After both of the chefs are spared from dishonorable remarks (and damnation from the rest of the culinary artists in Japan) the actual judging commences. Each judge can give up to 20 points to each chef taking into consideration things like "appearance", "originality", "flavor" and "least amount of chunky or dry heaves". Then after the results are tallied there is a 20 minute pause with the Jeopardy theme playing in the background before Chairman Kaga announces the winner. Usually it's the Iron Chef. Hell, I mean they are his chefs. I bet that he even has the judges watch videos of their families dangling over pits of saltwater crocodiles while they write in their secret ballots. It's only once in a blue moon that a competitor wins and that's usually because Asako the leather face was totally pissed off about an Iron Chef's banana pudding salad (I doubt very much that she cares enough about any of her family to save their lives with a vote... that is if she has any loved ones at all) or Chairman Kaga found his chef in bed with his gay lover and thought that the punishment of losing the competition was penitence enough. Man he's a harsh master!

IC Japanese kicks it old school!   Beeyatch!
Morimoto Masaharu (the Iron Chef Japanese) is the coolest! He uses ancient, tried and true ingredients to raise his masterpieces of sustenance to new levels previously unheard of in the field of cooking things! He keeps his countries old traditions alive while at the same time merging them with modern ideas and magic warming devices such as the "mi-cro-wave"! He is honorable to a fault, courteous to his enemies and above all else, he kicked Bobby Flay's ass in the Battle for New York City!!!!


After TIC had become a huge hit outside of Japan it was decided by Chairman Kaga that outsiders would be allowed to compete in Kitchen Stadium with his Chefs of Iron! This was a good and bad idea for the rich dude. Good, because ratings were getting higher and higher, but bad because the gaijin were winning more and more often.
So, what does a rich man with no taste buds and an army of world class gourmets do? Why, he takes them to America to compete with the State's biggest loser of Tex-Mex cuisine. I speak only of Bobby "Flabby Boy" Flay. The man who only knows how to cook things with corn and tomato chunks. It seemed like a win-win set up for the Iron Chefs and their soul master.

The battle was whored for days before hand and the N.Y. Kitchen Stadium was packed on the day of the fight. Kaga even allowed real Americans to be judges! That's how confident he was that Flay would fuck up big time. For his opponent Flabby Boy chose Iron Chef Japanese. The battle lines were drawn.
Kaga then unveiled the theme ingredient and it was a shitload of giant crabs. Iron Chef Japanese smiled, Flay frowned. Despite the home-turf advantage, Flay looked to be in serious caca. He Iron Chef NY BATTLE!  Will Micky D's ever be the same?!?fought valiantly for the first 5 minutes, but then he started electrocuting himself over and over again as he began slicing his fingers down to bloody stumps all the while cursing himself and his luck. Soon, after a couple of hissy fits, Flay even lost the support of the crowd. I was rolling on the floor laughing my ass off when the audience began cheering for the Iron Chef (Celeste told me that the 12 bottles of Asahi had something to do with it, but what episode of Iron Chef is complete without a drinking game [more below on that]).

After the hour was over Bobby got up on his cutting board and tried to get the audience to "Raise da Roof". He looked like the world's biggest pussy! He was like the geek in science class who tried to make a joke about the subject matter that nobody understood or found the least bit funny, but being unfamiliar with things like popularity or an actual sense of humor he never knew when to just shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down.
It was to the "cutting board shuffle" that Flabby Boy danced that the Iron Chef actually lost his cool and insulted him over. "The cutting board is like a part of the body to a chef. He disgraced the cutting board. He is no chef!!!" I began laughing so hard that I almost lost control of my bladder!

I missed the first few minutes of the judging due to trying my damndest to avoid the Poseidon Adventure reenacted in my living room, but Celeste told me that all I missed was Flay serving up his crab tacos and fajitas to the judges. I swear to God that's all he made. Fucking Tex-Mex with $30,000 worth of Giant King Crab! Then the Iron Chef presented his 5 courses of crabby perfection! I'm allergic to crab, but I'd be willing to be rushed to the hospital to try some of what he made!
No surprise, Flay lost by a full 9 points (I never saw anybody lose by more than 5!).
It seems that Chairman Kaga is chairman for a reason! He got his ratings by having his chef-whore fight an American, and he didn't even have to threaten the judges in order to get his man to win by a landslide! That's my Kaga.

Well, I hoped that we learned that despite American "reality shows" being less entertaining than watching stool float in the john, the Japanese know how to do things right. They know that people don't want to see ugly fat people nekkid on a desert island! People want to see knives cutting things fast and furious! The want to see men of honor lose face in front of a live studio audience. The want to listen to Ohta yell out "FUKUI-SAN!!!!" every 10 seconds to tell us what the Iron Chef French put into his bowl of gelatinous walrus snot! We want a show that offers a multitude of incredible drinking games for beginners and full fledged alcoholics alike! Screw the Olympics, what we want most of all is our IRON CHEFs battling for the fate of all mankind in the Chairman's fancy schmancy Kitchen Stadium of Doom! That, my friends, is true entertainment.

"I cut off Flay's manhood like it tiny carrot!!  He no man no more!!!"
Even Iron Chef Chinese (Chin Kenichi) hates Bobby Flay with a passion! And who can blame him, after all behind David Hasselhoff he's the third coming of the Anti-Christ.

EDITOR's Note: Uh, crap... Sorry everybody, but I overslept today and I missed the Rossman's final draft of this article. After I proofed it last week he saw fit to "make some improvements" in my handiwork. That is the mess you just read. Quite honestly though, I think it was kinda on target and on track up until the final paragraph of ramblings and the use of the phrase "fancy schmancy". I promise I'll wake up on time to fix the next one.

Please go to honorable Part I of Iron Chef Article

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