IRON CHEF: the Battle for Fate!! Part II
THE JUDGES cont...
First the honorable competitor serves his meals. Even though it must be hard to not regurgitate the sweet and sour baby elephant's rectum, the judges usually hold together well and sometimes even find some compliments that are not really lies.
After both of the chefs are spared from dishonorable remarks (and damnation from the rest of the culinary artists in Japan) the actual judging commences. Each judge can give up to 20 points to each chef taking into consideration things like "appearance", "originality", "flavor" and "least amount of chunky or dry heaves". Then after the results are tallied there is a 20 minute pause with the Jeopardy theme playing in the background before Chairman Kaga announces the winner. Usually it's the Iron Chef. Hell, I mean they are his chefs. I bet that he even has the judges watch videos of their families dangling over pits of saltwater crocodiles while they write in their secret ballots. It's only once in a blue moon that a competitor wins and that's usually because Asako the leather face was totally pissed off about an Iron Chef's banana pudding salad (I doubt very much that she cares enough about any of her family to save their lives with a vote... that is if she has any loved ones at all) or Chairman Kaga found his chef in bed with his gay lover and thought that the punishment of losing the competition was penitence enough. Man he's a harsh master!
THE BATTLE FOR N.Y. CITY
The battle was whored for days before hand and the N.Y. Kitchen
Stadium was packed on the day of the fight. Kaga even allowed
real Americans to be judges! That's how confident he was that
Flay would fuck up big time. For his opponent Flabby Boy chose
Iron Chef Japanese. The battle lines were drawn.
After the hour was over Bobby got up on his cutting board
and tried to get the audience to "Raise da Roof". He
looked like the world's biggest pussy! He was like the geek in
science class who tried to make a joke about the subject matter
that nobody understood or found the least bit funny, but being
unfamiliar with things like popularity or an actual sense of
humor he never knew when to just shut the fuck up and sit the
I missed the first few minutes of the judging due to trying
my damndest to avoid the Poseidon Adventure reenacted in my living
room, but Celeste told me that all I missed was Flay serving
up his crab tacos and fajitas to the judges. I swear to God that's
all he made. Fucking Tex-Mex with $30,000 worth of Giant King
Crab! Then the Iron Chef presented his 5 courses of crabby perfection!
I'm allergic to crab, but I'd be willing to be rushed to the
hospital to try some of what he made!
WHAT DID WE LEARN?
EDITOR's Note: Uh, crap... Sorry everybody, but I overslept today and I missed the Rossman's final draft of this article. After I proofed it last week he saw fit to "make some improvements" in my handiwork. That is the mess you just read. Quite honestly though, I think it was kinda on target and on track up until the final paragraph of ramblings and the use of the phrase "fancy schmancy". I promise I'll wake up on time to fix the next one.
Please go to honorable Part I of Iron Chef Article