Election 2000 Page 2: the Solution Friday, December 8th Well, after thinking things over for a few days my friends and I got together and came up with some solutions to our nation's problem of weak and pussy-like leaders. It turns out that most of us were so disgusted with our choices for president that we had written in candidates who in our minds would have been PER-FECT for the job, and they'd look cool doing it! My write in was for Batman and Harley Quinzelle. This would have been a goddamn dream come true. Even though Batman's obviously more left winged than most Republicans would like (he really doesn't like guns too much, and I'm sure nuclear missiles are bad in his cowled mind too), I'm willing to bet that a shitload of them would cast their ballots for him just because of his cut-ass rugged costume. I mean, really, do you think that Iraq or China'd try to fuck with America when the guy in charge thinks he's a deductive giant flying rodent? America would soon be like that crazy kid in your high school homeroom class that giggled to himself while pointing at people and counting on his fingers in the corner all the time who everybody would just want to keep the hell away from. Sure we might get made fun of behind our backs, but nobody'd ever dare to say something to our face. If a country ever did make that mistake you know that the Bat would just send in Nightwing or the Huntress to slap them around a little bit. And just to keep the caped crusader in line and make sure that he doesn't get too soft we would definitely need Harley in the V.P. seat. She's sexy and tough, and her wardrobe would add some much needed color to the Bat's at those fancy White House dinners that they're always throwing in Washington. Plus, can you just imagine how zany and kooky it'd get when Harley invites the Joker as her date! Aw man, you can't buy that kind of entertainment! The Bat and the Kook ticket for 2004 has so much going for it too! Guys will vote for them because Harley looks so damn fine in her tights, and women will go for the Batman because he looks so good in his.

One of my friends, Taylor, had an even better idea. His write in for president was an even grander hero than the Dark Knight. He chose Optimus Prime as our elected emperor. Optimus Prime would wipe the floor with Gore! Then he'd Shush the Bush! Okay, so he's not a natural born US citizen. Big deal. We've changed the rules in times of need in the past. What we need now more than ever is a LEADER! We don't need a sniveling and weasely politician who lies so much he can't even tell you the real time of day, or something. We need a fucking robot in command! Especially one that can transform into a giant semi truck. Optimus has morals too. Remember that time he sacrificed his newly resurrected life to ram his ship into the Quintison stronghold so that his friends could escape? He kicks ass. Sure he was killed more times than Tom Arnold's career, but he was also rebuilt and reborn after every unfortunate incident. We have the technology. We have the money. We can make him even better and more of a friggin' "machine god of death" each time some terrorist blows the bejeezus out of him just because the US stopped sending money and goods to his terrorist nation and he can't buy the latest Britney Spears album on its release date (which would drive even the strongest willed terrorist to terrorism... cause that's what they do). Think of all the money he'd save tax payers too! No need for entourages or secret service men anymore. Really, I pity the jackass that tries to assassinate O.P.. You know he'd just whip out his desk-sized laser cannon and vaporize the schmuck on the spot. Then he'd just have the bullet dings hammered and buffed out. He could probably challenge world leaders to drag races to settle peace summits and other political turmoil. That would be sooo sweet! They could do it on Pennsylvania Ave too!

I then brought to my friend's attention the fact that Optimus, although pretty damn cool, was in fact a bit too liberal for my tastes. I was afraid that instead of simply smashing foreign evil countries to dust whenever they even farted in our general direction he might spend billions and billions building up relations between the both of us and "helping them to understand that we're all on the same planet and we should be trying our dandiest to make this a more peaceful and flower-filled world". ACK! This is when I was told the beauty of his overall plan. Not only did he write in O.P. for President, but he wrote in for a Decepticon majority in the House and Senate! Now THAT'S the kind of thinking I like. He's definitely planning for the future. Try to somehow get Megatron in as Speaker of the House (if anybody can sneak his way up it's "hammer-head" himself) and then just sit back and watch the fun and lasers fly. Imagine the entertaining scandals we would be able to witness as Soundwave sends Rumble and Laserbeak to infiltrate the Oval Office and catch Optimus messing around with Arcee! And I'm sure that Blaster would be able to get taped confessions of Star Scream trying to hire Unicron to take out both Prime and Megatron! THIS is why God gave us politics! This is what Washington D.C. was supposed to evolve into by now! Hell, it's well over 200 years since our first president and still no robots in any of the 3 main governing branches. For shame, America... For shame. That bill won't pass us, dammit! Constructicons, merge for the kill! To the left is an artist's interpretation of what might happen if another Presidential scandal rocked D.C. with big O.P. in da House. We're not talking Senate probes and lengthy, drawn out trials with hundreds of people on the witness stand here, we're talkin' all out ARMAGEDDON! Whoo hoo! Giant cannons, neutron bombs, triple changers, planet eating devil robots! The whole works. I figure the Earth probably only has a few more years left in it anyway, so wouldn't it be cool if just like in Planet of the Apes we really did blow it all up. What a way to go! So, I believe that this election has proven only one thing: Politicians do not belong in Washington (we need either the Bat or the Prime). Everybody in the country right now thinks that they're an expert on politics because they've been watching CNN five minutes a day for the past month. Well, let me tell you something, Larry King and Geraldo have their misshaped heads so far up their asses that they can see what kind of colon cancer they each have (FYI, King has malignant and Geraldo has benign). Nobody knows what the hell is going on, and this goes triple for anybody who claims to. All we're doing right now is making ourselves look like complete morons in front of the whole world. We're like the little kid in first grade who calls the teacher "Mommy" and doesn't understand what he did wrong! So, until the 2016 Presidential race where I'll probably be running, I say we vote for people or beings that can actually make a difference. Vote Autobot or Dark Knight in 2004. Do your country proud! (EDITOR's Note: Yup, the Rossman's the leader of both the Autobot and the Dark Knight Political Parties. I don't understand how he can't see the conflicts of interest there [especially since he's going to be starting up the Rossman Party pretty soon too], and he fails to see how I do see one. Oh well, I guess it's just another 13 years until the Rossman cranks his campaign into overdrive and some guy who's in love with Punky Brewster guns him down in a sad [yet lovely] tribute to the beautiful starlet. Here's hoping he has good aim!) Go Back to the EXAMINER Homepage