After you've gotten enough bitching from the Rossman and his friends you are free to
go back to the Retard's Digest or the Chronicle's Main Page.

So that BP oil rig blew up in the Gulf of Mexico, and the ruptured line is spilling something like 5,000 barrels of oil into the delicate environment every day while all of BP's attempts to close the leak fail... And yet President Bush has done nothing to help the situation at all (nor has he even offered to throw in any assistance, saying it's all BP's fault, and the entire fix and cleanup costs should come out of their pockets)! Needless to say the press is persecuting him over this... Oh, no wait, it's the Untouchable President Obama in charge of things now, so the press is patting him on the back saying "Good job telling that nasty corporation who's boss, sir! FUCK the Louisiana coastline! Those assholes deserve this!"

Seriously, does nobody remember how the NATURAL disaster of Katrina was 100% the president's (i.e. Bush's) fault, and how when he tried to send in the National Guard and the Army Corps of Engineers the Gubernor of LA and the Mayor of Nah'Leans said "piss off" up to like 5 days after they were under water? Is it just me? Was I imaging that shit?
Well, the newest Supreme Court Justice has been chosen by President Obama. And she has ZERO experience. She has never been a judge, she's lived in academic la-la land her entire professional career (and trust me, after working at a University for a decade I can assure you that this kind of person has NO real understanding of how the outside world works), and she's never once even had to settle any matter diplomatically and with the US Constitution as the benchmark for how things must go.

But I guess that's par for the course though, considering she was inducted by a president who's never held a real job, run a real company, or governed a state, let alone a CITY before taking over the reigns of the most powerful office in the world. Experience, schmeksperience... Though Obama (stretching for padding in his praise for soon-to-be Justice Kagan) did point out one of her most qualifying points on her CV at the announcement ceremony: "She's the granddaughter of immigrants." Yeah. Honest to Christ, that's a good reason to make the broad a Supreme Court Justice. By that logic my retarded cousin Mort can be a Supreme Court Justice just because of Papa moving here when he was 5. It's that easy.... Fucking morons.
Greece has filed for bankruptcy, the European Union as a whole is right behind, the Stock Market dipped 1,000 points due to a typing error, most US States are on the verge of having to throw in the economic towel, our president has just dumped a couple of TRILLION dollars into unnecessary (and unwanted) bills that will raise almost everyone's taxes through the roof, the world is collapsing in upon itself due to unchecked greed and bleeding heart retards in charge of the coffers, and I just saw someone pay $10 for ONE cup of coffee at a coffee shop downtown today. I swear to Christ that's HALF of my weekly grocery bill. Maybe we fucking deserve to have our civilization fall and we can start over in another couple of hundred years.
90% of all terrorist acts that have occurred in the past 10 years have had angry Muslims behind them. There's the infamous World Trade Center and Pentagon attacks, the bombings in London, the month-long riot in France, the murder of cartoonists for drawing a long dead man (who did something to a 9 year-old wife of his that I'm afraid to write about because people have been killed for less), embassy bombings, suicide attacks, and hostages taken world wide, not to mention another failed attack to blow up Times Square just last week.... And yet the press is seriously scratching its collective head wondering why the survivors of 9/11 are upset that people want to build a mosque just a block or so away from the fallen Twin Towers in Manhattan.

How fucking stupid are we? And by "we" I mean liberal "politically correct" mongoloids. Seriously, yeah, don't jump the gun and think that every Middle Easterner is a terrorist, but on the flip side, you have to at least question why after ALL of the previously mentioned atrocities why NOT ONE person of real power and authority in the Muslim world (not one head of state, nor one high up religious figure) has come forward and said that these terrorists are evil and do not represent the Muslim community as a whole. Not one. To me that means condoning shit.

Oh, yeah, don't get me started on the Roman Catholic Church and this child abuse scandal... That's just as bad, but that's a rant for another day, and at least the Pope himself said. "Yeah, sorry 'bout that." Nothing even close has been said from Muslims about shit done under their name.

-Steve Johnston, Dallas, MN
Are people always this fucking stupid? I really only seem to notice humanity's incompetence and lack of common sense during election years and media-made panics such as the threat of a possibly potential maybe "Swine Flu" pandemic. (Keeps fingers crossed!)

It all started when a few people in Mexico got the sniffles and the World Health Organization claimed "Oh my GOD! It's a new, incredibly deadly version of the flu! Remember the Spanish Flu in the early 1900s that killed 30 bajillion people?!?!? Well kiss your asses goodbye!" Then people shit themselves and totally panicked about how we were all fucking boned. Within a week, surgical masks (which don't stop you from getting infected by a virus like the flu) were sold out everywhere, hospitals started hoarding TamiFlu and beating people away who asked for it, and people started claiming that up to 3,500 people had died in a few days' time in Mexico (a Third World country) all due to the *GASP* Swine Flu that started there.

The WHO and people in power only fanned the flames of insanity as the whole world started to shut down. US V.P. Joe Biden even warned everybody not to take public transportation at all (maybe not what he meant, but what he said), schools were shut down due to one or two kids coughing in class (this is not a joke nor an exaggeration as it happened in my nephews' school), and stores were soon out of milk, bread, and orange juice as freaked out morons planned on barring themselves in their homes as if they were planning to weather a zombie invasion... Then the real numbers came out.

No, 3,500 people in fact did NOT die due to Swine Flu in Mexico (a Third World Country). Not even 150 people died (like the WHO then claimed). Nope, 7 people died from complications of the Swine Flu in Mexico that week. More died by the drug wars (in 5 seconds), starvation (in 3 seconds), and Chupacabra attacks (30 every minute of every day). ONE person died from it in the US (and that was an illegal whose family was dumb as shit and refused to take the poor kid to the hospital when he began to dehydrate). So, in the first 4 months of the year over 10,000 people died from complications from the REAL flu in the US alone, and only one died from the Swine Flu... Because his parents were stupid criminals. The WHO has still not issued any apologies for sending the world into a panic (hell, they still haven't apologized for the SARS, Bird Flu, and Lindsay Lohan STDs scares either... though that Lohan one is actually a viable threat), Biden has gone on to say even dumber shit, and Mexico pretty much still wonders just what the hell everybody was pissing themselves over. Goddamn I hate stupid people.
Facebook is the devil.
People who jump on the “organic” bandwagon without stopping to realize that the labels are misleading are the dumbest, most obnoxious assholes on the planet. These self-important morons don’t take the time to realize that organic stuff (in many cases) simply replace ingredients with WORSE ones that technically qualify them for the "organic" label. In many cases, they are trading one gram of fat’s worth of difference for 70 extra calories, 200 extra grams of sugar/sodium… But if the effing box says “organic” then they get to climb happily into their SUV and go watch Jon & Kate Plus 8 whilst fondling themselves. Oh, and Kate's a controlling bitch and Jon's a cheating dick.
You have GOT to be kidding me... So instead of solving our energy crisis, or funding researchers enough cash to cure cancer, our beyond stupid government has just passed some reeeeally expensive legislature to bail out the assholes in the banks who were involved in ultra high risk loans to retarded poor schmucks (who couldn't afford them) in the housing collapse over the past year. What the fuck...

Before you start yelling, "Oh, you're such a meanie! Those was only poor people who got in trouble because of, um, those rich people and banks! It's always the richies' fault!!" you need to read up on this shit. The ONLY people who were fucked over by the housing market collapse were people who BOUGHT HOUSES THEY COULDN'T AFFORD. It's that goddamn simple. Either they were a one income family making less than $60K a year, and they thought they could afford a $500,000 five bedroom mansion (thinking that their adjustable rate could NEVER EVER go up... Ever), or even just some poor doofuses busting their butts for minimum wage who splurged on a cheap $110K townhouse that was just beyond their means... It doesn't matter, they tried to buy something they could not afford. And if you lost your house because of getting fired from your job, well then, sorry... But that's part of what makes life life. It's not MY fault you got canned, so why should my tax money fund your problems? I would NOT expect anybody to bail me out if layoffs hit me. That's just part of the game.

Oh, and the reason that we're in this mess to begin with? Well, the Dems would hope you forget that it's because Slick Willy pressured (and in some instances forced) the big lenders (Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac especially) into lending money to the previously mentioned high risk and low-income families... who wouldn't be able to afford them (because they have LOW INCOME). But nope, help the poor by making them poorer. That's the leftist way. So now the stock market is tanking, global recession is the phrase of the day, and everybody's feeling the pinch (more like the "fist clenched on the nut-sack") thanks to short-sighted and incredibly mongoloid thinking by a president who was more concerned with the definition of the word "is" than the state of the long-term economy. Lovely.

Anyway, if you think I'm an asshole for pointing out the truth, well then, you must be happy that Uncle Sam is wiping your tender bottom for you right now. Honestly, the first (and most important) rule of economics is NEVER BUY ANYTHING YOU CAN'T AFFORD. Fucktards.
Relating to the Olympics, or any other sports competition in which doping is a problem, Marius Prinsloo has the following idea:

I have a fricking solution man, and I can't believe nobody else has thought about this before. Just put a drug test kit, in the bowl of the cup that they just "won". Before the athlete is allowed to raise the cup, he/she must urinate in the cup. If you fail the test, you get dunked with your own goo and disqualified from international athletics.
This has been an absolutely fascinating past few weeks in US politics. McCain sealed the Republican nomination, Huckabee refused to let go (aiming for an impossible VP bid), Hillary Clinton's campaign was pretty much over until Saturday Night Live made people realize that Barack Hussein Obama has absolutely NO policies that he's touting except for "Change!!!111!", Hill and Obama's mudslinging took to new highs (well, lows actually), Ex-VP nominee Geraldine Ferraro told the world that the the only reason Barack got as far as he did (with no real political talent) was because he was of color, then she quickly resigned from Hill's campaign, Osama's (whoops!), I mean Obama's pastor (whom he has been good friends with for 20 years, and by whose hand he was actually married to his retarded wife) was recorded and YouTubed slandering everybody and every race (except black) under the sun, after 5 days of silence Obama finally denied being friends with the guy (didn't something like this happen in the Bible?), and now the New York Governor just resigned for using state funds to rent a hot and sexy whore, thus putting a blind man in the office as his replacement which allowed humorists around the country to break out their old handicapped joke books and tell some old blind knee-slappers, simply replacing Helen Keller's name with the new Governor Paterson's. Oh, and just after he was sworn in, ol' Blindy AND his wife admitted to having affairs years ago in order to beat the media to the punch. I would never fucking make it as a politician, though man those high-class callgirls are fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!
So Hollywood writers are on strike... They're on strike because the studios don't pay them enough for DVD sales of TV shows and whatnot that the writers wrote for. I guess that would be a valid complaint IF the writers weren't already PAID for the scripts when they originally wrote them. Let me put it to you this way: Say you work for industry or the government or ANY OTHER company on the planet. When you create something for said company or organization they PAY you a salary or give you some sort of moneys for your JOBLY DUTIES. Once you've created it, IT'S THEIRS to do with as they please, and you should just feel grateful that you are employed. Like a painting. If you're an artist and somebody hires you to paint something, when they buy the painting from you they've purchased it and they can do with it as they like. They've PURCHASED it. After money is exchanged it belongs to the purchaser.

But no, the Hollywood writers want more. Keep in mind they already GET something from DVD sales (something most other real world companies wouldn't even think about doing). But they want more.

On the flip side, yes, Hollywood studios are filled with GREEDY sons of bitches. They could easily afford to pay the writers more if they wanted to... But those writers already GET an ASSLOAD of cash per script that they turn in. I'm sure that each script for a big TV show bags a writer more than I make in a year (for what, a week's worth of typing for an hour-long drama?). I'm sorry, but nobody in this mess gets my sympathy — especially when you take into account the fact that ALL OUR SHOWS will be on hiatus for months if things don't get resolved soon — EXCEPT for the set people and show designers who work behind the scenes. All the blue collar workers (the people who actually NEED their jobs to live) on every TV show and movie now on hold are living off of their savings all because the greedy writers and bastard execs can't decide who's the biggest douche. Personally, I think it's a tie.
The Lord of the Rings novels by J.R.R. Tolkien are the most boring sodding books I've ever read.... Or haven't [fully] read I should say. I first tried to get through them back in high school. I think I made it to Galadriel's Mirror that time. Then I got deathly bored with it all. Then I saw the movies and was blown away by how cool and exciting they were. But it's been years since they came out and much longer since I first attempted to read the books, so I thought I'd give it another try. I didn't even make it to Rivendell. It's just soooooo tedious. Every person, house, sword, tree, blade of grass and the sky is over-described in EVERY SCENE. I honestly don't know how Peter Jackson pulled those three fantastic movies out from this muck. That's right, I said "muck!"
"In a couple of days Paris Hilton is going to jail... The judge says it's going to be a no-frills thing, and that is ridiculous. She is totally going to get special treatment. As a matter of fact, in order to make her like more comfortable in prison the guards are going to paint the bars to look like penises.... I just worry that she's going to break her teeth on those things."
-- Why I love Sarah Silverman so damn much (from the MTV Movie Awards)

Some reeeeally stupid Atlanta man with TB (an extremely rare strain, immune to antibiotics), decided to go against his doctor's recommendation to NOT fly halfway across the globe (and thus possibly infect an ASSLOAD of people) so that he could still get married in Greece. Then, when the CDC found out about it they got in touch with the self-centered dick-and-a-half and pretty much ordered him to turn himself in for treatment in Italy (where he was when they contacted him), and to NOT (read NOT, NOT, NOT) board another commercial jet or even go out in public without a plastic bag on his head (preferably to suffocate himself like the retard that he is).

So what did Mr. Sharpie do? After touring all of Europe he fucking took a flight to Canada (since they redflagged his passport in the US) and snuck back into the country (past a simpleton border agent) -- possibly infecting several hundred MORE people during his return. And after all this, how does the mongo asshole describe himself? "I'm a very well-educated, successful, intelligent person," he told the newspaper [the Atlanta Journal-Constitution]. Yeeeeah, that's real intelligent there, Lou.
Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson got Don Imus fired for an off-the-cuff, lame attempt at a joke in which he called the Rutgers women's basketball team "nappy-headed hos." Whatever. I personally think Imus is a dinosaur, completely out of touch with anything involving the world at large and humor in particular. And now that we know that calling women "hos" is wrong, Al and Jesse THEN went after every single rapper and comedian who uses the word in in their songs and routines, and they got all of them fired too.... Oh, wait, I'm thinking of that alternate reality timeline where common sense ruled and attention-seeking whores actually went after all abusers equally, despite their color. Or was Imus simply fired for calling all the women on the team "nappy-headed" when clearly some of them were white with straight, pokey hair? He should have just said, "Yeah, they're a bunch of curly and straight haired bitches on that team... True dat."

Personally, I don't think ANYBODY should be fired simply for SAYING WORDS OUT LOUD (words that don't include death threats or calls for violence), especially after they apologize for their insensitive remarks (which they don't even have to do). Anyway, who the fuck made "crazy-man" Sharpton the moral compass of this world? He still hasn't fucking apologized for leading an angry mob against those (INNOCENT) Duke lacrosse players who obviously never raped that (skanky ho) girl way back when! Al, you are such a bullshitter you shame even Penn and Teller.
I live in a large goddamn college town, and there are no good (hell, no DECENT) Chinese restaurants, and not even one Hooters. And the strip joints can't even attract hot co-eds to strut their stuff anymore! This place has something like 20,000 eligible lasses with asses to shake in my paying face, and they can't find anybody who weighs less than 250 or who doesn't need major facial reconstructive surgery? When did this place transform itself into Nazi Germany?
I hate it when people call me "Caucasian" or white. I find both offensive. And if any other ethnicity calls me "honky" I'll have to bust a cap, G! But it's okay if some guy named Whitey McWhite-White does. Even if he's black or Puerto Rican. That's just how we roll.
I fucking hate people who hate other people. And I hate the Dutch. No, I'm not trying to quote Austin Powers 3 or anything, I fucking hate the Dutch. Seriously, never go out drinking with a Dutchman.
Hillary Clinton, who's just a potential candidate for the US Presidency at this time (close to 2 years before the '08 election), is warning current President W. Bush to clean up the mess in Iraq before the end of his term. Awesome. I love the balls on this psycho hose beast -- they're 3Xs that of her husband (who if he had just done something during HIS two terms in office to punish those who set off a bomb in the WTC in '93, blew a hole in the USS Cole, or who bombed tons of our embassies worldwide in the nineties [like actually accepting bin Laden when the Sudanese government offered to extradite him to us back in '96], we might not even BE in this mess in the Middle East in the first place). Balls like coconuts.
Is there absolutely NO middle ground here? Back in the 1990s the US' role in the world was pretty much that of a shut it. We stayed the fuck out of other people's business, never started any trouble, and even baked cakes for people in the neighborhood who hated us (in the form of actually GIVING North Korea the components and the know-how for building a nuclear bomb, I mean a nuclear reactor [that's right, Clinton actually handed that shit right to Kim Jung Il... not making that up]).

Okay, so that kind of diplomacy failed (North Korea now has the bomb [surprise, surprise, surprise!] and we got attacked on 9/11/2001), but then we go rolling into battle mode. Sanctions were also placed on North Korea, and we're telling our allies in East Asia that we'll defend them in case of attack (Jeez, why can't they defend their own damn selves?!). We also started placing sanctions on Middle Eastern countries that elected officials from a known terrorist organization (Hamas), who have openly stated that their ONLY goal is to eradicate our sole ally in that part of the world (what is our PROBLEM?! We should stay the Hell out of other countries' democratic policies!). Yes, we took out the guys harboring terrorists in Afghanistan, but then we kept going onward to Iraq. True, Saddam Hussein was a complete asshole, who was killing shitloads of his own people, and openly funding terrorists who were suicide bombing our allies, and trying to buy nuke materials from African warlords and North Korea (who took his money and fucked him over), but... shit, what was my point? People around the world HATE America now because we won't roll over and take it up the ass? Sorry we can't be more like France. We'll try harder in the future.
So Madonna's newest reinvention (instead of wearing conical-shaped brassieres, turning brunette, pretending to be British, or becoming a techno queen) revolves around stealing African babies from their fathers in an attempt to out-do Brad and Angelina... I'm telling you, Madonna has bigger balls than Vinnie Jones. The next thing she'll experiment with is shooting people in the face with a Saturday night special and then taking giant Cleveland-steamers on their fresh corpses.
I don't think I ever truly understood just how stupid some people are. People all over the country are holding rallies right now to show their support for the rights of illegal immigrants. That's ILLEGAL immigrants. People who snuck into our country against the law. Once again, illegally.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all for immigration, when done LEGALLY. Hell, I wouldn't even be here today if it wasn't for LEGAL immigrants. But I just want to ask these people protesting, why do you think that these people who illegally entered our country deserve to stay? They're fucking up the system and making it harder for legal immigrants to enter. Once again: Legal = bueno, but ILLEGAL = malo. Muy malo, muchachos.

My only other question is when is somebody going to start up a rally and a march to show their support for the rights of hookers, bank robbers, rapists and child molestors? Hooker rights now! Hooker rights now!!
True Phone Call:
Me: "So anyway, I was telling Jackie that she's a total slut and should stop sucking dick all around town."
Lenny: "Oh yeah, TOTAL slut."
Me: "And she has that huge cold sore right there on her lip! It's so hard to look at her and not--"
*ACHOOO!*
Me: "Lenny, did you just sneeze?"
Lenny: "Nope, not me..."
New Voice: "Oh, um, are either of you boys terr'ists?"
Me: "President Bush?! Get the fuck off my phone! Stop tapping my line, goddammit!"
Saddam Hussein has balls like coconuts. His lawyers are actually attempting to sue George W. Bush and Tony Blair for "destroying Iraq." Apparently he claims he didn't need their help.
Who knew? It turns out that Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace was actually good for something. It's allowing us Yanks to understand and keep up with what's going on in Canada as they dissolve their own government away in a vote of "no confidence" in order to oust the liberal leaders who bankrupted the country with such one hit blunders as their national health care system and "free beer and donuts on Mondays" propaganda. Now if only they'd elect Palpatine Supreme Chancellor we'd have a northern ally we could count on, but chances are those crazy canucks will just re-elect the same feckers who fucked them over and caused this whole mess in the first place... Seriously, Canadians, who the hell are you trying to spite? You're cutting off and cuisinarting your own nose to piss off your face, you hosers.
Way to go, France! 18 days and nights of Muslim riots! 300+ cities and towns torched down, hundreds of schools turned to ash, and Paris itself getting kicked in the ass! Thank God you have plenty of troops at home to sort this whole thing out before it gets out of hand! Imagine if they'd actually be in Iraq or Afghanistan. Sooooo, why the fuck are all your cars still on fire? Are you going to use pity for the downtrodden jihadist masses to extinguish the flames?
Why do some uptight assholes hate strip clubs so much? Strip clubs never hurt anybody. They don't degrade women (all strippers I've ever talked to [thousands] have said that they love it and it's the best fucking money they could ever hope to make). Strip clubs don't bring in poor people, crack heads, or gangs to the area; quite the opposite, actually. Strip clubs are only visited by people with MONEY. Their clientelle is probably 10Xs more reputable than any shitty little boutique on Main Street -- they just don't like to be photographed going in and coming out is all. So WHY do all these hard-up old farts try to shut down all the titty bars?! They usually start small by declaring "no full nudity if alcohol is served." Christ that sucks, but at least we still have bumping and grinding and titties. THEN the fuckers declare "no lap dances because... errrr, my wife said it's naughty." FUCK YOU! Fuck your dried up, skanky, mummified bitch of a wife too! Nudie bars don't hurt her, so why should you care what she thinks of them. You KNOW that if your daughter had a bachelorette party at Chip 'N Dales she'd be the first one in line to try and get a footlong from Rick the Dick. You're wife's a whore who just doesn't want YOU to see gyrating nudes, realize it, then GIVE US OUR LAP DANCES BACK!
Hurricane Katrina smacked the shit out of the Big Easy, flooding 80% of the city, displacing hundreds of thousands of people, and killing hundreds... But instead of saying "Oh my God, that's awful! What can I do to help?" most blogging left-wing morons say (and I swear to Christ, if I hear or read it one more time I'll start swinging my Big Stick of Justice) "Well, it's too bad all the national guard is in Iraq right now, or New Orleans would be fine;" or "The war has got us in so much debt we can't help people here."

Yes, I too am upset that the government didn't use its precognition to see that there would be a major act of God while we were having foreign conflicts. Why the Hell couldn't they foresee this natural disaster and line up all of our military personnel around the Gulf Coast, holding hands, and play Red Rover with that category 4 storm. THOSE RAT BASTARDS!
Gas prices SOARED right after Hurricane Katrina wiped out New Orleans, and they jumped despite the fact that there was no fucking gas shortage. Well, there wasn't at first, but retards all over the South rushed the stations and drained them of their supply... For like 4 - 10 hours. But, because of their stupidity and gas companies' greed, the price of a gallon of gas jumped up anywhere from $.60 to $4! People were bitching about $2.80 gallons just last week, and now we're dealing with $3.40 to $6+... Per fucking GALLON. What is it about natural disasters that brings out the worst (in either the stupidity or greediness) in people?
Pope John Paul II died last week, and ex-President Clinton insulted the man at his own funeral. I'm serious. I can't make that shit up. Some Italian commie reporter (again, not making that part up either) shoved a microphone in Billy-boy's face and asked him what he thought of PJ the Second. Clinton said that the Pope will leave behind a "mixed legacy," that his Catholic stance was too conservative, and that he didn't do enough to reach out to other religions... Yup, non-Catholic Bill Clinton said that he could have been a better Pope had he forsaken Catholic Doctrine (Clinton apparently didn't pay too close attention to PJ II's globetrotting when he was alive, where he met with world and religious leaders on a weekly basis). I mean.. Wow. Did this fucker really get elected twice to the Oval Office? At least President Bush didn't give the asshat a ride home on Air Force One after that. Clinton had to bum a ride back from a US Naval Base. Awesome.
I had a dream last night and Hollywood's Charlie Sheen (most famous for being Heidi Fleiss' number one customer of her delectable hooker stockpile) was in it. I asked the thespian (who starred in such hits as Money Talks, Navy Seals and Major League 2) why he and Denise Richards (one of the world's HOTTEST women [who generously made out with another hot woman, Neve Campbell, in Wild Things]) were getting a divorce. I asked, "How did this come to be, since Denise's so fucking hot and you treat chicks like dog crap-saturated welcome mats?" Charlie answered me, "I don't know, but it had nothing at all to do with me fucking whores while she gave birth to our child." Thank God that's cleared up.
What the hell is wrong with all the morons out there who are against privatizing Social Security? Why the fuck wouldn't anybody in their right mind NOT want to be in charge of their own retirement money? Other than retards who can't even count to "one" while using their unzipped flies, I mean. We know why left wing assholes in the government don't want Social Security to die: they dip into the SS funds all the time for their own stupid "Save the Serial Killers' Lives" and "Don't Force Welfare Recipients To Work" programs... But why would the normal masses of America want the gov to skimpily plan for THEIR retirements? Don't you fucktards have a 401K plan already? Are you already living in shitty goverment housing and eating off food stamps? If YOU were given charge of your funds, you could make a TON of money, without doing anything more to earn it, by the time you're 65. OR, we can all just stick to Social Security (which was only originally created by FDR at the height of the Great Depression to get old, talented people out of the working force in order to make room for younger, less talented fups in the job community. Seriously, look it up) and watch it die a sloooow, painful death, while draining itself of everything (you've already and) you will be pouring into it over the next 30+ years. It will eventually die, and all you counted on will then be long gone when you feel YOU want to retire (which will probably be at the future retirement age of 85, by the time our turn comes).
Well, it looks like all those people who thought that democracy could only fail in the Middle East were right. Apparently the Iraqi people don't want to be free as none of them turned out to vote in their first election in over 50 years... No, wait, what's that? MILLIONS turned out to vote? Over 60% of all registered voters (making it a more successful vote than even America itself has had in years and years)?! Does.. Does this mean that all those "glass is half empty" fucks who prophesized doom and a quick return to a dictatorship will finally shut the fuck up? Nope, now they just switched trains of thought and are prophesizing that it won't last. Whereas I predict that now more citizens living under other Middle Eastern dictatorships will say, "Holy Mohammed shit bars! Those camel-suckers in Iraq did it, why can't we?" C'mon, you whiney liberals, why not root for our side for once?
Natural disasters suck, okay, everybody knows that. And when one hits and kills an assload of people, the rest of the world gasps in horror. That's their right to. Then the citizens of America start kicking in donations to help those affected by the earthquake, tsunami, nuclear blast, or whatever (seriously, U.S. citizens are the only people on the planet who's hearts are bigger than their brains and wallets... Other governments may kick in a platoon of soldiers to help out in the aftermath, but U.S. civilians are the only peeps to actually put their money where their mouths are... But that's not what I'm bitching about here).

Okay, I got all that. What gets me is that poor fucks, who can't even afford a $.35 bowl of oatmeal for their 5 children every morning, tend to donate quite a bit to these disaster relief efforts. That's just plain stupid! Yeah, you can now claim that you helped a family who almost drowned in Indonesia... What about your OWN goddamn family?! Don't they count? Did you just sacrifice two years' worth of dentistry on your kids to donate to Doctors Without Borders? Well, let me set you straight, not only did you give money just to be able to brag about it to your liberal weiner friends while in line for food stamps, but organizations like Doctors Without Borders already fill their monetary quota for these kinds of disasters hours after the news gets out about them. So, what DID you end up giving your money to, if not to help families rebuild their lives and get medical aid (something YOUR family won't be getting for a long time now, thanks to your unthinking check writing skillz)? Well, your cash just goes into the larger stash of dough that the organization needs to keep itself alive.... Meaning, the people at the computers and telephones who answer your calls and read your email (who live in the U.S. too) are going to have a HUGE year-end party this year, and receive enormous Christmas bonuses. Try to explain that to your kid when he asks you why his dog, Rover, died of starvation after he tried to eat his own leg. My point being: If you can't even take care of your own family, work on that first before pretending to care about the rest of the human race.

Oh, and to you "One time donators" who only give when disaster strikes... Do you seriously think you're better than your neighbor, who actually donates a chunk of his salary every month to such non-profit orgs like The American Cancer Society? Yeah, you gave a one time donation of $10 to save some kid who may not even exist in Thailand. Whoop-dee-doo. I give $40 a month to help save lives worldwide. And I'm not even a left-wing bleeding-heart pussy. Imagine that.
The current debate on Creationism. Why is it that these bible thumping homos feel the need to walk into their BIOLOGY class (i.e. a class about things that REALLY happen in science and nature) and start quoting scripture, saying that a magical invisible man in the sky made us, and how can we be so stupid as to believe a theory so full of holes like the theory of evolution... Yeah kid, right, I'll believe a book a bunch of drunk monks wrote like a 2,000 year-old version of MadLibs, filling in holes whenever the mood suited them: "Hey! Vlad! Wouldn't it be funny if we said something like this dude built a giant boat and put two of every kind of animal in the world on it!" "What, are you kidding? Nobody will believe that crap!" "Well hell, they believed the whole 'virgin having that power-baby' thing, didn't they? Come on, it'll be a hoot!"
Shut up! Shut up!! Shut UP!!! All of you, shut the fuck up! I don't care if you think that Bush is perfect and the only man who can deliver us from terrorists... Shut up! I don't give a shit if you think Bush is the Devil and that Kerry is our only salvation... Shut the fuck up!! Everybody who's going to vote in the 2004 election has already made up his/her mind! Your retarded and uncalled for thoughts on politics in the break room while you have a captive audience waiting for the morning coffee to brew are not necessary! Shut up! Stop bringing it up! I don't care! John from Accounting doesn't care! Mandy from Human Resources agrees with you, but right now she thinks that you're a stupid idiot for not shutting up about it! Oh, and your bumper stickers saying "W in 04" and "Kerry is the Kure" just give me something to aim at when I'm stuck in gridlock behind you after a shitty day in the office.
Bill Clinton's book "My Life" came out, and as expected the Republicans are making a big, overblown stink about it.... No, wait, no they're not. In fact, since the horny Demo left office the Republicans have stopped talking about him all together! What's up with that?! The only re-re's that are even talking about Clinton's book are his Democrat asskissing followers. And half of them are saying that it's a lowsy read. The other half still think that Hillary is a man.
Why the hell do smoke detectors only "BEEP" that they're low on batteries at 1 o'clock in the fucking morning? And why, if they only do it that early in the godforsaken day, are they loud enough to scare dogs five blocks away?! A simple, sexy woman's voice saying, "Hey, sailor, you need to replace my batteries... and I have big titties," would be much more appreciated instead.
Okay, who was the assclown who said that "We're only going to war in Iraq to get cheap oil"? I want you to look at my fucking receipt for the last time I filled up my gas tank. Almost $3 per gallon, and that was of the cheap shit! Christ! The only thing I wanted you morons to be right about, and you blow it.
Goddammit! Those U.S. soldiers who "abused" their Iraqi captives just piss me off! The U.S. is already fighting an uphill battle to show the world (and especially the Middle East) that we're the good guys and that everything will be better once the evil is out of Iraq... But then those G.I. Puds had to go and take pictures of the POWs in their care pretending to sodomize eachother and do naked pyramids and shit. They just sent our country's name straight back into the trash as far as the citizens of the the sand countries are concerned.

What gets me even more than that though, is the fact that some left-wing nutcases are now saying "We're no better than Saddam's Iraq if our soldiers are doing stuff like this to their people." BULLSHIT. First of all, the men that our retarded soldiers (and only a tiny few of our less than smart soldiers even) are setting up for these photographs were shortly before SHOOTING at our men in a war. It is well known that Saddam would take men and women off of the street, have his soldiers RAPE the women, and hang or slit the throats of the men that he either "had a bad feeling about" or didn't like how they thought differently from his dictatorship. Seriously, all our moronic handful of troops are doing is making it look like Akbar was sticking his jimmy up Mohammed's tuccus. Humiliation doesn't even come close to actual rape, disfigurement or DEATH.
People with no originality should not exist. Granted, nothing in this day and age is truly original anymore, but when people go out of their way to rip something off, it just shouldn't be tolerated. Especially if that's all they're good at doing... ripping off other people's ideas and such. This goes for movie and television script-writers, artists (musicians, painters and web designers), and people in their daily lives. Like, for instance, if you're that one annoying fuck at parties who talks like a reject from Buffy the Vampire Slayer's universe... Take a goddamn look at yourself and the mess you have become. If you think that by saying shit like, "Not so much" over and over again is hip and cool... It ain't. I pity the fool who thinks that.
Award shows for movie and television stars are the most asinine concept that humanity has ever come up with in 5,000 years of civilization. "Let's give out awards to people who PRETEND for a living, and get paid more for 20 minutes worth of work than the average American will make in his/her entire life!" What gets me is that people follow and watch this shit like it was the most important thing in the world.

"Hey, honey! That starlet who just made $20million for pretending to be a hooker just won a shiny trophy and is being applauded by her fellow shallow contemporaries because her gown is see-through! You better get in here quick! She's about to tell us that we should stop trying to kill terrorists and we should give more money to Communist nations to help their leaders stay in power longer! Oooo, honey, she just made fun of the president because he's 50 times more educated than she is and he's actually doing more with his power than pretending that he's the reason for the upswing in the New York Stock Exchange! Man, she's right! She so knows what the fuck she's talking about!"
I just finished the DaVinci Code recently, and so this rant goes out to the group of peeps out there who utterly refuse to believe that it's plot is plausible. DaVinci was an interesting read, but nothing great. A decent work of fiction. But what I loved about it (spoiler for those waiting for the eventual movie) is that fact that it's making Bible-thumping Christians piss their pants just thinking that *GASP!* Jesus Christ had S-E-X. I'm sorry but, NO FUCKING SHIT. I don't know if you're caught up in Christian folklore/mythology/history, but here's how it goes: Jesus was 100% human and 100% God. Don't think about that too much, it hurts. But think about this, he died at age 33 and he must have had tons of chick groupies along with his 12 main homies. It's also an uncontested piece of historical fact (to all scholars who actually READ historical documents and not just fanciful stories about world-wide floods and gardens filled with talking snakes) that Jesus and Mary Magdalene were at the very least a couple, if not formally married. And if you're still not convinced about Jesus "doin' it" during his lifetime let me put it to you this way: Have you ever even heard of a 33 year-old virgin?
I just have to comment about President Bush's Thanksgiving. That was by far the coolest thing any president has ever done. Period. Sure, JFK fucked Marilyn Monroe, but did he ever put his life in danger by voluntarily flying into hostile enemy territory just to wish American troops (who were in the middle of fighting a war) a Happy Thanksgiving? Holy shit! I couldn't believe it when I read it! And I love what Hillary Clinton did in her attempt to show how "American" she was: She went to a local army base and ate some turkey on a paper plate with some troops for about 5 minutes before being whisked back to her mansion to have her indentured servants cook her up a 7 course meal (and cursing "W" the whole time after she found out about his day). George W. fucking had his Secret Service fly his ass into Baghdad just so he could thank the stationed troops there for their service in person. Hands down, the coolest thing that any president of these Unites States has ever done.
Wow! Once again it is "World AIDs Day", or something of the sort. And once again celebrities (most without even high school educations) try to push for more money to be pumped into AIDs and HIV cures, despite the fact that AIDs is one of the easiest diseases to AVOID. Seriously, if you don't want to get the AIDs, all you druggies and whores out there, stop drugging up and fucking eachother without protection. And yeah, you have to be careful with the deep kissing too, but unless you regularly suck your lover's lungs out when you smooch them, you're pretty much okay.

Now, let's take those millions of dollars of research moneys and put it all into stopping the disease that NOBODY CAN HELP GETTING: Cancer. Yeah, lots of things cause cancer, but even if you don't smoke, don't drink, don't fuck and don't do drugs, you still have a good chance of getting it. So let's see..... Either be bleeding heart morons and pin a gay red ribbon to your shirt to beg other morons to fork over shitloads of cash for the (already 99.999999999972999999% preventable) AIDs research, or actually give to a research team that's doing something to stop a terrible disease that one cannot help when one gets it?.... Hmmmmmm.
After reading about the "ladder theory", it opened up my eyes to all of the fubarred relationships I'd had in the past. Plus it made me feel really sorry for Ron Stoppable. You just know that he's got a major woody going for his best pal, Kim Possible, but all she'll ever see is a "buddy", with a talking naked mole rat. He makes her laugh, sure, and in a year or two he's going to think that that's all he needs to get into her panties. But as soon as he makes his move you just know she'll karate chop his hiney all the way back to the Bueno Nacho. Poor poor Ron.
(EDIT: Damn! Ron did end up scoring with Kim. Hey, Julie, Kelly or Just Kidding, gimme a call, mmm-kay?)
Ex-Celebrities who haven't had a decent paying job on the silver or small screen in over 20 years should be ashamed of themselves for going to conventions and making people pay upwards of $40 for a simple autograph... I'm looking at you, Star Trek's Chekov and Kung Fu's David Carradine! Honestly, you guys should just admit that you fucked things up in life and that at the very least you'll have loyal fans that will worship you after you're long decaying in the grave. Don't rob the only people who will acknowledge your pathetic existence by charging them for wanting to get a picture with you. You're only shooting yourself in the soft, flabby underbelly there.

At least TV's Spike (James Marsters) was cool about the whole fan thing. He even called me "Baby" when I told him that he rocked as he passed by us for the loo. He does indeed rock.
People who pretend to be vampires (who don't get paid to do so for television or the movies) should be shot in the head with a silver bullet. Ummmm, excluding anybody I know of course. They're just confused.
Evil Nazi Feminists who bitch and moan about how evil and stupid men are should just shut the fuck up. We all know that we're horny, stupid, and hairy. At least we're still better off than all you butch lesbos (who are just stupid and hairy). Would it really kill you to shave your pits every once in a while? Come on, not even for a special occasion? Say for the latest Birkenstock Store opening?
People who sign up to do shit and then "forget" to show up to actually do the deed should eat their own feces and die from feces-loving stomach worms. Say for example, people who volunteer to help me paint a poor family's house, but then say they're "busy that weekend" when I call to remind them about it, and think that they still did a good act of fuzzy feelings by simply contemplating doing the whole helpy helperson thing... Don't they realize that they'll be painting houses in Hell for all eternity over something like that? And that said houses will all have to have 20 coats of day glow orange on them? Fucktards...
This goes out to all the American people who hate our president and everything that he does. Yeah, I know, you're entitled to. That's your right as an American citizen. But now I ask you, WHY do you hate him? "He's stupid" you respond? Well, he may not be the best speech-maker, but so far in his presidency (as of this writing, a little over 2 years) he's done 10Xs more good than Clinton did in his entire 8 years on the throne. Name ONE good thing Clinton did. Just one.... I didn't think so.

Part two
of this rant goes to the fuckers who won't support our troops who are fighting for their personal freedom overseas. Okay, I get it, you don't like war. Here's the kicker though, NOBODY does. Can you believe it? Nobody likes war. Kooky, huh. "Why do we fight then?" you ask (you queef sucking morons)? We fight so that our nation and our allies can live on without any massive threat to our national security. Think about it, what would it take for Sa-Damn Hussein to wipe out Israel? He's completely in-fucking-sane. He would/could do it. What's to stop him from giving some terrorists some nukes or some potent chemical weapons to detonate/release in the States? The answer is "We are to stop him from doing that." Yeah, we're attacking him first. Would you prefer it the other way around?

So go right the fuck ahead, draw your retarded poster of "W" humping an oil barrel and march in front of the White House like a dickless dyke. That's your right. But just think about this one last little thing: If all we wanted was the Iraqi oil fields, why didn't we just take them back in 1991? The whole world was on our side back then. Would have been super easy.
To this day I still cower under the bed in the fetal position whenever I think about that Space Vampire who haunted Erin Gray's character, Wilma Deering, in that one episode of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century. That thing was just so goddamn creepy it isn't funny!
One thing that I learned about people who claim to have "morals" is that they're usually pissed off that they do, or they're simply saying that they have them because they missed out on the opportunity of doing something sinful.

For example: dvd bootleg products. All the fuckers who complain about them, even when thet don't hurt them or effect them in the least, are just mad that they bought the original and more expensive product before they knew a $2 Hong Kong rip of it existed. Digital pornography is another issue here. Those who bemoan the fact that it's out there "corrupting our youth" are just idiots who can't find it for free on the internet.
I can't stand dickwads who start to tell a joke and then either fuck it up completely and only realize their problem once they get to the punchline (which then doesn't make a dicklick of sense), or find that they have to keep starting over or stop to think things through (i.e. like why cum is bubbling out of the hooker's eyes) in order to get it out correctly. Just sit down, shut up and let the professionals handle the joke telling, jackass!
(Note from the Rossman: Hey!... Asscock.)
People who think that killing a murderer (who slaughtered a family of 12 and then set their house on fire while he peed on their ashes and their dog) is wrong should have their heads examined. "It's wrong! If we kill him then we're no better than he is," they claim. All that asshole, who did the initial killing, is doing after he got caught is taking up valuable space and shitloads of our money while he sits on his ass all day long in Sing-Sing. A jolt of electricity to his noggin or a needle full of bleach would put him out of his/our misery and free up several hundred-thousand bucks in government funds each year that it costs to keep the human waste alive.
"Buuuuuut," the wussies claim, "What if he's not really guilty, or what if he's mentally incompetent and didn't know what he did was wrong?" Well then, the blood on his hands and the smile on his face when the cops arrested him wasn't enough to convince you, huh? I guess eye exams can only fix vision and not moronic bleeding hearts that believe all men are goody two-shoes. And as for your "Don't kill the murdering retards" thought goes, I say fuck the mongoloid. If he didn't know that what he did was wrong, then he won't know what we're going to do to him when we strap him to that chair. We'll just tell him it's a roller coaster.
 Until the day that I die I will never figure out why I am such a psycho hose-beast magnet. So far, none of the women that I've had serious relationships with have been anything close to normal in terms of psychological health. I've even had 3 full-blown stalkers and I'm only in my mid-twenties! That's gotta be a higher than normal average. Normal (in the sense of not being nucking futs) women seem to avoid me like a plague of Pauly Shore clones hunting for a retarded laugh-track.
Why do minimum wage clerks who work at the counter at the video store think you want to hear their wisdom that they've accumulated about the world at large for hours on end? They're 35 years-old, still wear a name tag for their profession and they spend a good portion of their day wiping spooge off of the Sperminator 2: Judgment Spray cases. Look out Larry King! You're in for some mad competition.
I never understood how a country with 60 billion people like China can not have one decent beer. Tsing Tao is their biggest export and it tastes like Chinese chicken piss with a hint of ripe cheese.
Why do liberal pussies always shove their beliefs of "peace and love" in your face more violently than suicide bombers with a stomach full of nitro? And why do they think that we can stop people from killing us with gentle words of "peace and love" too? I'd like to see them give said suicide bomber a flower right before detonation and see if that changes his mind.
Cliché as this sounds, I wish that every asshole that drives slow in the fast lane would die. Painfully. Preferably a death having something to do with a giant fish-hook.
I'm sick of all the webpages out there built by retards who do nothing but complain about how shitty our country is but have nothing constructive to say about how to fix the problem. My only problem with this country is that those plug-fucks live in it, and I even have an idea on how to fix this dilemma. It involves them and a giant blender.
Why do most comedy movies that start out funny feel the need to turn serious near the end of the film? It completely ruins the whole movie when we are told in the last 10 minutes that the reason our protagonist is such a dick (but an insanely funny one) is because he never knew a parent's love or some other bullcrap. Let's just get back to seeing him light his goddamn farts with a match!
"Rap music" is not music. Nor are "rap songs" songs. See, music is when musical instruments are "played" to a catchy tune or sweeping score. When you take a record that somebody else made and play it, while scratching it back and forth, that doesn't count. And when you talk, while said record is being mutilated by your retarded hand, instead of alternating your vocal chords in an up and down manner (known here as "singing") you are basically just holding a one sided declarative conversation with the microphone. That is not talent. Country music does not qualify as music either, despite the fact that real instruments are played and singing takes place, but that is because country music just sucks.
Kidnappers: You want to stop these sickos kidnapping children and killing them, or worse? I've got a simple answer we can borrow from our Middle Eastern friends, with a slight variation. When we catch one of these sick bastards, we send him up into outer space to the International Space Station on a live global television execution feed. We put him in a big room floating around with an ape with razor blades tied to his arms. Then we cover the guy's jimmy in banana juice and let nature take its course. Actually, this method can be used on the asshole who dented my fender this morning too.
Whereas giant meteors or volcanoes have been the leading source of Darwinism in the past, today, the leading cause of "thinning out the herd" comes from people with cell phones and driver's licenses.
More annoyances to come soon.

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