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Retard Rossman Ramblin's... and other assorted shiznit
Why am I writing poetry and shit if I think that all poetry sucks? Mostly just to show all you wussy, on-line e.e. cummings-wannabees (who couldn't get jack squat published to save baby puppies' lives [baby puppies that Robot Pedro likes to run over in Dr. Dave's Pinto again and again... but that's a different story]) that I can make up crappola in less than five minutes that's 10 times as entertaining as anything you've ever rhymed and iambicized in your sad, sad little lives. Enjoy, or just go back to the Retard's Digest Main Page.



Haiku of the New Evangelion Movies

New Eva movies!
Anno rapes a dead horse, smiles
"Buy more," he chuckles

Haiku of Government-run Health Care

Free healthcare for all!
Sixty percent to taxes?
Ha! Make it eighty!


Limerick of the Casual Gamer

There once was a Wii from Japan
It caused many to claim "Yes I can
Play games everyday,
Yes I'm good," so they'd say,
But Halo 3 made them see they sucked yam.

Limerick of Carl's 72" Plasma

Carl has a TV that's so large
It's roughly the size of friend Marge,
Movies on it are nice
But porn I'd think twice,
When assholes're the size of a barge.


Haiku of That Preachy Fucker on the Corner Who Slapped Me in the Face With a Bible

Creationism?
Are you high? Stop touching me!
Trust me, God hates you

Haiku of Pizza Hut

If chicks were pizza
I would do one with stuffed crust
Oh! Hot cheese burns good


Haiku of Terri Schiavo's Feeding Tube

No food for Terri
You need a new job, food tube
Why not feed that rock?

Haiku of People Who Like Shitty Movies, and Therefore Get Hollywood to Keep Making Them

Thank God! Fuck me yes!
A remake of Cabin Boy?!
I can die fulfilled


Holy shit! Below is a long lost gem of a piece of shit that I wrote a few months after getting into the worst fist fight of my life, back in my sophmore year in high school. Most of it is actually a play by play of my whole shitty day, but there is a bit of fiction that I added to the end in order to spice the fucker up. Try to see if you can tell when the invented part begins! And so I bring you:

The Final Fight
by the Rossman, age 15

(Oh, and by the way, this story really fucking blows; as do ALL of your short stories that you pathetically paste on your p.o.s. website, Mr. F. Scott-in-training... So STFU, sit back, and read an unapologetically bad, retarded little story written by a whiney teenager.)


Turkey Day

Turkey Day, bright and gay
...But not gay as in "gay,"
More like in the Flintstones' song where they say
"We'll have a gay old time," which just meant "happy."

Not that Thanksgiving can't be celebrated
By homosexuals,
It's a holiday for everyone,
So they can eat turkey too.

Oh shit, that sounded bad, didn't it?
I meant that people of every race and creed,
Even those who like to ride the Hershey Highway,
Can celebrate this joyous day.

I like Thanksgiving, and all the food,
So eat with me, but don't be rude.
Unless you're a savage who belches in "thanks,"
To show just how high my cooking it ranks.

So give in to the gluttony, eat a lot and get fat,
I don't care about you, like the ass of a rat.
Go ahead, eat it all, you'll never be thin,
You're old and you're flabby, you know you can't win.

That's what the day's all about, accept it, you're fine,
You can be queer, black or red, you can even talk sign.
I don't know why I'm rhyming, there's no reason for this,
But I'm hungry myself, so mashed spuds must I kiss.


Haiku of Tandem Skydiving

Falling very fast
Ummm, dude, who opens the chute?
Ow fuck! My nuts! Pain

Haiku of Tetris

Yes! Yes! Yes! Four rows!
Oh hell yeah! The square block rules!
Level sixteen? Sweet


'Twas the Christmas Right Before

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was sober, 'specially the souse;
The noose was hung from the ceiling with care,
In the hopes that his courage would climb him the chair.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While the carbon monoxide poured through their heads;
And mamma in the tub, and I with my pills,
Had just settled down to be free of our wills;

When out on the lawn there arose such a clap,
I grabbed my big gun and yelled, "What's up with that crap?!"
Away shot the window, from the gun came a flash,
It blew out the shutters, the noise worse than the Clash.

There was blood on the ground on the new-fallen snow,
It was crimson and oily, and chunks I did blow;
When, what to my wandering eyes should appear,
But a mutilated man, with one arm and singed beard.

The fat bleeding man looked disheveled and sick,
I knew in a moment 'twas that old fart, Saint Nick!
He had fucked me in the past, my memory still crisp,
One time at the mall, fatty made fun of my lisp.

"Now bastard, and troll, and pig fucker and shitter,
I'll fuck you back up the ass with a hamster, a critter!"
Down from the roof he made a bloody big fall,
Then away on all threes he attempted to crawl.

"That's right," I did bellow as Saint Nick tried to fled,
"You better fucking run, if you don't you'll be dead!"
So out came the dogs as I opened their cage,
And they pounced upon Santa and quenched my deep rage.

And then, in a twinkling, I felt in my heart,
The holiday killing would now fine'ly start.
I drew in my hand a smile with a razor,
What a Merry Ole Christmas to go out with a blazer!


Haiku of the Company Picnic

Burnt burgers and rain
Goddammit, catch the softball!
Who brought deviled eggs?

Haiku of the Ten Year Class Reunion

Holy fuck! 'Zat you?
Damn! Did you see Jen's boob job?
A pay bar?! Fuck that


The Wolfman's Corner
Here are a couple of the Wolfman's famous proses from waaaay back. Enjoy!

The Weed

There is a flower in the door
It is so pretty, I wish there were more

But wait, it's not a flower, it's a weed
So picked it up and smoked it, and you wouldn't believe what I seed.

The cops came and put me in a cell
I told one pig, "I'll see you in Hell."

The punch to the gut made me sway
And then I heard my cell mate say

"Bend over, you damn white honkey
'Cause I'm gonna ride you like a donkey."

Tower of Power

My Tower of Power
It grows strong by the hour

Many young ladies it can deflower
Many experienced ho's it has devoured

Those who have tasted it claim it is sour
But I don't buy that shit


A Short Story About Dinosaurs Written by the
Rossman (age 7)

I went to the park to go play with the friends when a dinosaurs with rollarskates on asked me if I had any more of the icecream. I was scared about the dinosaurs but I told him that I didnot have any more of the icecreams to give him. The dinosaurs got mad and told to me that I was not being a nice person for not sharing.

[Unfortunately the rest of the story has been lost to the cruel hands of time. So I will now take it upon myself to complete this literary masterpiece close to 2 decades later. Enjoy.]

I was so taken aback by the fact that this freeloading fucking thunderlizard had the balls to lecture me about not sharing my goddamn ice-cream cone that I didn't even mention that it would have been nice of the giant mongoloid to lend me his fucking skates as a sign of good faith himself! Instead I opened up my backpack and took out the small container of AIDs and cancer that I always tote around with me (for just such an occassion) and offered it to the giant moron as a token of friendship. He ate the damn jar thinking it was some sort of jelly. I just hope I can be there when that behemoth asshole dies and corrodes from the inside out and is eaten by a passing T-Rex or maybe a saber-tooth tiger. Hell, even a giant mutant monkey like Kong would do. Fuck that godforsaken dinosaurs up the ass!!!


Haiku De Los Monkeys

I saw the monkeys
Throwing feces through the bars
Some hit my face hard

Haiku of the Asshole in the Movie Theater Who Won't Turn Off His Goddamn Phone!

Jeesus Christ what noise!
Halle Berry gets naked
But my heart's not there





Give it up. You're not going to find any hidden meaning in them.
Just go back to the Retard's Digest or the Chronicle's Main Page.