Page 2 (more monsters to kill)
(click here for page 1)

Godzilla (Gamera, King Ghidora, etc.)
What they are --
Giant monsters with awesome powers and a pure, unadulterated hate for humanity are probably the biggest monster-worry you'll ever have. They fucking HATE us, man. Although giant monsters are by far the coolest monsters ever, they are the hardest to avoid and kill. Most are like 100 meters tall and crush 5 to 10 humans with every step that they take (when they parade around highly congested and busy metropolises [2-3 humans during rural strolls]). Most giant monsters are somewhat radioactive (due to volatile genetic mutation thanks to atomic bombs, or by time or space travel to get to Earth in order to start stepping on humans), so try to stay a minimum of 100 feet away from them or you may be irreversibly contaminated. Also, be aware of their radioactive breath or lively tails. Most people, when trying to kill a giant, radioactive monster, forget about their whipping tails -- That's just what the monsters want. Although some giant monsters may have some sort of hair or fur on them, most appear to be of reptilian decent (i.e. they're "big lizards"). Not that that really helps in dealing with them (giant monsters have been known to "hibernate" in icebergs and emerge full of vitality and rage, something a normal crocodile would have trouble with if it somehow found itself trapped in the arctic), it's just a fun fact. Giant monsters have tough hides, and some even have shells, like a turtle; and if you've ever tried to blow up a turtle with firecrackers as a kid, you'd know just how hard it is to penetrate a shell like that. You'd quickly find out that you'd need a sledgehammer to crack that fucker open, and in order to "crack open Gamera," you'd need a sledgehammer the size of the Sear's Tower. They are tough as all fuck. Tanks, missiles and even nukes don't seem to work against them (they're already radioactive, so a nucular detonation would be like a trip to the sauna for them). What is a fleeing and screaming Japanese crowd to do?

How to kill them -- Giant Monsters can really only be defeated by other giant monsters. All mankind can ever do to a giant monster is chase it off (apparently that Japanese scientist's "Oxygen Destroyer" is the exception that proves the rule [I never understood that phrase myself]. But seriously, that thing ATE Godzilla's flesh down to the bone!... But, ironically enough, the Oxygen Destroyer was eventually responsible for creating the giant monster Destroyah years later, which then threatened humanity itself... But then Destroyah was killed by a human weapon after being roughed up by the new Godzilla... What the fuck was my point?). If you want a giant monster utterly obliterated you'll need a giant monster of your own to do the dirty work for you. Now, you can go about this in two separate ways: One, you can build your own robotic, giant monster; or Two, you can trick another giant monster into destroying the first giant monster. Both plans have flaws though. Obvious flaws (if you build your own monster, it will either suck or cause even more damage than the monster you originally built it to kill would ever cause; and if you trick another giant monster to fight for you, no matter who wins, you'll then still have a giant, rampaging monster on your hands). But really, what the fuck else are you going to do? You're pretty much up Shit Creek if a giant monster comes a callin'. And if you do happen to chase a giant monster away, don't get your hopes up too high as they tend to return to previous stomping grounds more often than a priest to the choirboy changing room. Seriously, I wonder why Japan even bothers to rebuild Tokyo all the time.

What they are --
Not all Leprechauns are evil monsters that you would want to kill, though most do have a pot of gold that would be very nice to get your hands upon. Leprechauns are all drunken figments of lush Irishmen's imagination come to life after a couple of dozen rounds of cheap-ass whiskey. They spend all their time gathering gold trinkets, and storing it all in a pot that you can only find at the end of a rainbow.... Hmmm, does this mean Glomer's a leprechaun? Or, since there wasn't any pot of gold at the end of his rainbow, does that mean that the legend of such treasure is false? Eh, whatever. If you kill a leprechaun or a Glomer you'll at least have a great story to tell your friends the next time you go out whoring.

How to kill them -- They may be magical little creatures, but you can snap one of their necks like a chicken's. Leprechauns are like ugly, mutated midgets in green top hats and shamrock shoes. If one goes insane and tries to kill you (watch out! They can be like little wolverines in green overcoats if you tick one off), throw some gold jewelry (or shit that looks like gold) at him and he'll be distracted long enough for you to drop a large rock on his head. I've heard that throwing shoes or something at them works, but I can only guess this is in reference to actually hitting them with the shoes, or if your specific leprechaun has a nasty little shoe-sniffing fetish. But, you know, whatever. Diff'rent strokes and all.

Ghosts and Poltergeists
What they are --
Spirits of the dead who have unfinished business in our world. Unfinished business that usually includes driving living beings insane and/or killing them violently. Specters like this are all intangible beings that you unfortunately can't punch or knee in the groin. They are so fucking annoying too. Like, you'll be hanging out at home with the family, when all of a sudden your daughter gets sucked through the TV, the walls start bleeding and your son's clown toy begins prancing around the room with a demonic grin on its face. Your evening is then screwed. Ghosts don't give a damn about inconvenience. Why they can't just live in harmony with normals I'll never know. And if they don't like who's living in their old house, fucking move into the goddamn light! Jesus, it's that fucking simple. Though, on the other hand, the only reason ghosts seem to get pissed enough to go beyond "moving a chair across the kitchen floor" to doing the scary and violent as hell shit is when the living people who live in said haunted house don't get the hint and move out themselves. The first time I see spooky lights descending my staircase at night and then have a hallucination of my face getting peeled off in the bathroom mirror, you'd better believe that there'll be a "For Sale" sign in my front yard the next morning. Those stupid fucks who stay in houses where giant trees reach in and eat their children deserve what they fucking get.

How to kill them -- You really can't. Ghosts and Poltergeists are deader than vampires and zombies. They don't even have a physical form. The best you can do is to capture them with a proto-plasm trap, or convince them to move into the Coiles house next door (Tell them that the Coiles are attractive and in good shape, and very kinky, what with all those "nude days" they have all the time). Ghosts usually have a strong sense of belonging to the places that they haunt though, so good luck with all that. If you meet a ghost in your house, your best bet is Century 21.

Giant Gorillas
What they are --
Giant gorillas are just that. Large apes. Most of the time they're pretty docile (especially if you keep dangling a nice piece of human tail in front of them), but watch out! If you run out of bananas, or set an orphanage on fire in front of them, they can go ape-shit and out of control.

How to kill them -- Like you'd normally kill a monkey. Guns, explosions, drops off of very tall buildings. I'm sure you could run over the smaller giant gorillas in a tractor trailer if you wanted too. There's nothing magical or supernatural about them. Get creative!

Frankenstein's Monsters
What they are -- Frankenstein's monsters are creatures stitched together from various dead bodies and brought back to life with electricity or some crap. They really hate fire and they talk like they can converse freely with Tonto and Tarzan. They dig chicks that hisssss at them and who have finger-in-the-socket hair, like that old, saggy whore who hangs out on 5th and Main on weekends. They love sluts. You might mistake a Frankenstein's monster for a slow zombie, but Frankenstein's monsters can be fairly smart (at least smart enough to figure out how to open up doors, hide from angry mobs, and stick pretty things in a pond)... Their intelligence directly relates to how long their brain was decomposing before it was shocked back to life. If you find yourself face to face with a monster, and you're not sure if it is a zombie or a Frankenstein's monster, try to converse with it. If you can get an almost complete thought out of it (like "Me need pussy. Where whore house?"), you have a Frankenstein's monster. If the creature tries to bite you and isn't wearing any big, black, size 15 shoes, you have a flesh eating zombie. Run.

How to kill them -- Frankenstein's monsters are really just normal dead people given a second chance at life, so killing one is pretty simple. You can shoot them, stab them, drown them, poison them, decapitate them, crucify them, disembowel them, or blow them up. But I don't think that electrifying them does much damage, seeing as that's how they were brought back in the first place. Though, if you're sadistic and you have some time on your hands to really torture a Frankenstein's monster, you could try to get the beast to stand in a pool or a puddle of water, and then fry the fuck out of them with a 100,000 volt uber-livewire. If you try this, take pictures. I'd like to see what that kind of thing does to a living creature who possibly has a soul.

Serial Killer, Paranormal Monsters
What they are -- These creatures were once normals. Normals who delighted in torturing and then killing other people for whatever reasons, who were then killed (or had enough damage done to them to be killed), and then came back from the beyond to keep torturing and killing... Mostly teenagers. Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger and Michael Myers (not the Wayne's World guy... Well, I wouldn't rule that completely out) are all serial killer, paranormal monsters. They are pretty much indestructible, but they do each have their slight weaknesses (that are tough to figure out at first and then even tougher to act upon). For example, Freddy can control dreams. If you meet up with him while you're asleep, you're dead. He'll either erase your legs and stitch your mouth together, so you can't run or scream, or he'll chase you down endless boiler-room corridors with steam and red, swaying lights everywhere, and then he'll take a few hours eviscerating you until your real body dies from the shock. But, you can kill him if you're quick and smart enough, though it does take some planning. Jason and Michael are less supernatural in nature, but they seem to be more indestructible than Freddie, and that's never good when they're coming at you with a hockey/William Shatner mask and a machete. Your best bet with serial killer, paranormal monsters is to not be the child of parents who originally killed them, or never taunt them when they're alive (so that when they do start killing, they will just avoid you all together).

How to kill them -- You have to be pretty creative in killing these guys, and they never stay dead for long anyway. Freddy is probably the toughest to take down as you have to first drag him out of his dream world and into the real world by grabbing him right before you wake up (if you grab him too early, he'll carve you up like a Thanksgiving turkey that the dog got to right before the meal began... i.e. giblets and turkey neck parts everywhere). Once he's in the real world, he's still a dangerous mother fucker, but now he can really be harmed. So keep a loaded shotgun or a couple of grenades near your bed so that you can take the bitch out before he figures out what you've done (you want projectile weapons so that you can stay far away from his knifey glove and old burned-guy smell). Good luck.

As for Michael and Jason, well, if I remember correctly, you can scare them both like Mumm-Ra in Thundercats. Take off their masks and make them look in a mirror. That should petrify them long enough to chainsaw their heads off. Remember, bullets and stabby things rarely do anything to serial killer, paranormal monsters. I think they actually like getting shivved and shot. They're very S&M. You have to really do some major damage to them to take them out for good. Oh, and don't quote me on that "their reflections stop them in their tracks" thing... I could just be remembering what we did to stop Jimmy Jammer that one Halloween that he started throwing dog crap at people (we're all hoping it was dog crap) and stealing little kids' bags while wearing that Strawberry Shortcake mask. God I hate him.

(Bonus Hints) Here are just a few more hints on how to kill monsters.

  • Problem: You are surrounded by a ton of monsters at once, like the plot of a horrible Hollywood movie starring Hugh Jackman.
    • Solution: Being in that kind of situation would suck enough because even if you survive, your friends will never let you forget that you were in a situation that reminded them of a bad movie in the first place. The good news is that you might be able to use each monster's strengths and weaknesses against them. Say a vampire, werewolf and Frankenstein's monster surround you. Try to convince the vampire that werewolf blood is much tastier and more fermenty than human blood. Then when he attacks the dog-boy, tell the Frankenstein's monster that whichever one of the previous two survives said that he likes to lick Dr. Frankenstein's anus. Even if his brain is totally decayed he'll still understand the insult (even if the Frankenstein's monster is gay himself, he would never chase after his own father's ass... Ick! Trust me, he'll be insulted) and bash some vampiric or wolfy balls for you. You can easily outrun a Frankenstein's monster and take your time in coming up with a plan to kill him later by yourself.

  • Problem: You wonder if there is a be all, end all way to either stop or kill all forms of monsters.
    • Solution: Well, I don't know about one sure way to kill every type of monster out there (remember, nuclear weapons don't work on giant, fire breathing lizards, and they probably won't harm ghosts and Freddie Krueger either), but, if you play "Monster Mash" really loud on a boom box held above your head (like John Cusack in Say Anything) 98% of all monster types will either run in fear, clasping their hands to their heads, or fall into a catatonic state of unadulterated pain and suffering brought on by the gay lyrics and melody. They fucking HATE that shit. It's like that squeaky nails-to-the-chalkboard sound, but cranked to 11, for them.
      Warning: Just because you're a normal doesn't mean that you're immune to that really retarded ditty yourself. It could cause internal bleeding if you blast it too loud or aim the speakers of your boom box at your own head. Be careful.

Now go out there and kill some monsters!


Send me money.
Or just go back to the How To Page
or the Digest Main Page
or the Chronicle's Main Page.